ladybug63 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I have been with this mm 4 years he has done so much for me it was said in the beginning it was just an affair no one was to get emotionally attached. That was what is was based on so we already knew that. This man was just gooood to me.Everything was fine until a few months ago, something I said that put fear in him, however never should have said it and never will do it again I was annoyed at the time. He then said it is over, but we can still be friends. It doesn't matter when I call him he come (not for sex). But for whatever I want. he doesn't ignore me he will answer his phone when I call, if he don't believe me he will call me back. We are not having sex at this time we are just friends. Can you be friends after being in a 4 year affair?
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 No. You cannot be friends with him because after a 4 year affair there ARE feelings involved. It may not be deep deep love, but there are feelings of emotional attachment. What did you say to him that scared and annoyed him? Did you ask him to leave his wife, or if he planned on leaving? Just wondering what it was, enough to make him do a 180 and change his mind about the A. You know you do deserve better than what you're getting. Yes, you say you're happy, he is good to you, but you are selling yourself short by being involved with a MM. You can't have kids with him, you can't live with him, share birthday's, holidays, Christmas together. I hope that you walk away and heal yourself because there is no way you can be 'just friends' with him. It WILL prevent you from finding love with someone else if he is still in your life.
Author ladybug63 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I said I would tell his wife but I was angry at that time and he annoyed me and that is what made the change. However I know that I would never tell her. I always told him if she found out about the a it would be because of him and that I meant. As far a b/days and holidays, We have gone out to celebrate my b/day. And the holiday being truly honest, sometime I see him before his wife do, if not that day do not pass and I not see him. But I agree with you 100% when you say I am selling myself short, but it's like if you're not looking for a committed relationship that is the next thing. However I know that it is wrong, but sometime it just feel so right. I will try to find the strength to walk away. Like you said it is an emotional attachment.
uniqueone Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I hate to tell you this but he's being friends with you because it keeps you quiet. If he says he doesn't want to be friends with you and he breaks all contact, he doesn't know what you'll do. You scared him enough to stop what he was doing because he realized what you could do to him. Right now he's just doing damage control. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but he really isn't your friend....these guys just aren't, no matter how much they try to disguise it. They're all very selfish. He's being your friend because it benefits HIM by keeping you quiet. With an affair, the hard part isn't realizing that they weren't in love with you. The hard part is finding out that they were never even your friend.
Author ladybug63 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I can agree with you about the"damage control" but just as I said to him if I wanted to tell his wife, I am sure that could have been done a long time ago. But in the end how would it have benefited me? It was a good affair (if there is such of a thing). After 4 years that is a long time and we shared a lot of great times together. But I do see your point. I never asked him to leave his wife that never came up because that is definitely not what I am wanted which is why I regret having said that. We still have contact with each other, see each other just not as often as before.
noforgiveness Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Ladybug you have to move on with your life. You have no future with this man and being friends will give you a glimmer of hope. There isn't one. After four yearsjust the fear of his wife finding out has made him dump you. This is not a friend. You need to take care of you. Don't waste anymore precious years on this man. Tell him it's over. He's not your friend and walk away with your dignity still intact.
Author ladybug63 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Thank you noforgiveness and I agree with you also. But the hardest part is trying to move on. I would say it is an issue for both of us because I am trying to understand why keep "friendship" if it's over and he think that I am capable of telling the wife? I won't say I can't but I am trying to put forth every effort to do so. I did go this entire week w/o contacting him so that is a start but to be honest I did want to phone him but this is where I have to try to be strong.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 No matter what he told you, the truth is, he doesn't love you, he loves his wife. You were simply....you know. Since you told him that you might tell his wife, he realize that he could lose his wife the one who he truly love and that's why he dropped you, but not completely. The reason he did that is to not piss you off so you will tell his wife. I hope you feel bad, ashamed, and guilty what you've done to another woman and her family. I'm sure your parents didn't raise you that way. I wonder how proud they'll be of you when they found out what you did.
Author ladybug63 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I never denied the fact he didn't love his wife she will be there when I'm no longer. If I have to fill in the blank I was "used" well maybe, but I was getting a lot from this man so if that is the word u wanted to use ok. Actually I don't feel anything because I did not cause his family any harm.I don't believe I did anything to jeopordize his family. He is the one married I am single. And you are absolutely correct my parents did not raise me that way but as I became an adult I was at liberty to make my own choices.The only thing I did was allow myself to get involved with a mm.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Actually I don't feel anything because I did not cause his family any harm.I don't believe I did anything to jeopordize his family. The only thing I did was allow myself to get involved with a mm. Whatever you tell yourself at night to make your feel better inside. The fact is every minute this MM spent with you and every energy or love he gave you, it was taken away from his wife. You're a typical other woman who only sees things from your own point of view. Don't tell me that when your future husband (assume you will have one) screw around with another woman and it still does not cause "any harm" or "jeapordize" your marriage. Your last statement clearly show how selfish you are.
sadbuttrue Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 i do not see how it would be possible to be friends with a MM you have been in an intimate relationship for so long. in normal R's it is difficult to remain friends once it is over, but this is totally different in my opinion. he stopped it because you caused him to doubt your loyalty to him. in these R's with MM, loyalty from the OW is key. without it, the MM can not take such advantage of us. like the others said, i too believe he is trying not to upset you right now so that you wont tell the W. good luck with whatever you do, but i would walk away from this one if you can. he sounds manipulative, as i am sure most can be when threatened.
uniqueone Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 No matter what he told you, the truth is, he doesn't love you, he loves his wife. You were simply....you know. Since you told him that you might tell his wife, he realize that he could lose his wife the one who he truly love and that's why he dropped you, I'm going to disagree here....I don't think he truly loves his wife....or he wouldn't cheat on her. These guys truly love THEMSELVES and that's it. I hope you feel bad, ashamed, and guilty what you've done to another woman and her family. . I'm afraid this part has gotten me up on my soapbox....... You're saying that the OW did this to the W and the family??? I think it's more like the MM did it to the W and family, dontcha think? I don't know too many women out trolling for MM. However, I DO know several MM out trolling for OW. Let's place the blame where it belongs. I'm sure your parents didn't raise you that way. I wonder how proud they'll be of you when they found out what you did. What about how the MM's parents raised HIM? How proud are they?
Author ladybug63 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 I am not so sure either which was why I asked the question. But the thing is he truly do not have to remain friends with me for me to be quiet because to be honest I would never tell her that. It's one thing for a w to assume her h is cheating and another for them to actually know it. But I agree that I need to move on.
Author ladybug63 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Uniqueone I could not have said that any better if I had said it myself but all so TRUE.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 You're saying that the OW did this to the W and the family??? I think it's more like the MM did it to the W and family, dontcha think? I don't know too many women out trolling for MM. However, I DO know several MM out trolling for OW. Let's place the blame where it belongs. What about how the MM's parents raised HIM? How proud are they? I never said that the MM is the angel. He is equally at fault as some horny woman trying to get some with a MM. It does not matter who is trolling whom. Your statement has some kind of indication that the OW is innocent. She is ONLY if she has no idea that the MM is married. And, that's obviously not the case here. Sometimes, as the OW, you got to say or think what you gotta think to make yourself feel better so you can sleep at night.
Can'tGiveUp Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I am not so sure either which was why I asked the question. But the thing is he truly do not have to remain friends with me for me to be quiet because to be honest I would never tell her that. It's one thing for a w to assume her h is cheating and another for them to actually know it. But I agree that I need to move on. Actually, he doesn't know that you wouldn't tell, because you said above that you threatened to tell. No matter the circumstances in saying it, you did say it, and that may cause him some concern. As to the remaining friends, IMO you can't maintain a close friendship. I went NC with my xMM about 9 months ago. I think we lasted 3 months of strict NC. Now, we communicate by email every once in a while. We can't see each other, that was what got us into the A in the first place, trying to be friends when he went back to his wife after being separated for more than a year. We also can't let each other go completely, hence the continued communication. We will exchange emails for a day or two, and when it starts to get too deep and/or personal, then one of us just stops replying. And the other understands and we let it go. This wouldn't work for most people, but for us it does. We know that we were important in each others lives, and that no matter what we will always care for each other. The last time we talked was because he found out I was hurt and just wanted to know how I was, from me, not from others. The time before, I just had to share something with him that no one else would have found funny. It's little things that just say "Hey, I'm thinking about you." I would never ask him to do something for me or meet me. Though I have no doubt he would help me if I asked. We are aware of the limitations of our 'friendship' now and we stay within the boundaries.
blowingthetrout Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I never said that the MM is the angel. He is equally at fault as some horny woman trying to get some with a MM. It does not matter who is trolling whom. Your statement has some kind of indication that the OW is innocent. She is ONLY if she has no idea that the MM is married. And, that's obviously not the case here. Sometimes, as the OW, you got to say or think what you gotta think to make yourself feel better so you can sleep at night. ...and you scolding and chastising OW's does what for you then? I'm guessing you haven't had any use for all those condoms in your glove compartment since your getting off on beating women on a Internet public forum!
Author ladybug63 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Can'tgiveup, maybe your are right but I can't help but to wonder if he thought I would indeed tell the w why maintain a friendship. Like I said earlier he was still doing things for me even after me making that statement. If I really posed as a threat to him,I believe he should have just relinquished all contact with me. I am sure being the person I am because it was indeed MY fault that he chose to end it,I would be mature enough to accept the fact that it was my fault for him ending it. I would not become belligerent. I believe when the ow informs the w of an affair it is because something went terribly wrong or they want to have that m for themselves which is truly not the case here. I am not a woman scorned.
Can'tGiveUp Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 LadyBug...I just sort of threw that out there because the others all see his keeping you in contact would stop you from telling. To be honest, I don't find my xMM to be anything like everyone describes the stereotypical MM to be like. And I have no animosity towards him, I have no desire to ruin his marriage by telling his W. Nor do I feel any guilt for what we had. But to the question of being friends...well, I explained how my situation works. Your situation may be different. Only you will know what works for you...if you try, it may just reignite the A. And maybe that is what you want.
uniqueone Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 LadyBug] To be honest, I don't find my xMM to be anything like everyone describes the stereotypical MM to be like. And I have no animosity towards him, I have no desire to ruin his marriage by telling his W. Nor do I feel any guilt for what we had. Why don't you feel any guilt?
Can'tGiveUp Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Total explanation of the lack of guilt would require TMI, even for an anonymous internet site. In generalities, I did something for me. I chose happiness, in my life, for whatever period of time it would last, in what was maybe the first extremely selfish action I have ever taken. I do not regret that. I had no obligation to his W. He suffered enough guilt for both of us. I did not put any pressure on him to start or continue the A. I walked away as easily as I could. Our contact now stops whenever it becomes difficult for either one of us. We avoid face-to-face contact. That only ever occurs by chance. I am not taking anything from his family now. Nor did I take anything from his children then. As for what his W might have lost through his R with me, well, that was brought on by her and her actions. Though his thoughts of me may interfere still, I can not control what he thinks.
uniqueone Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I had no obligation to his W. Do you not feel that we have any obligation to one another as human beings? If you and his wife were in a burning building together and she was on the ground reaching out her hand as you were headed out the door, would you just ignore her because you had no obligation to her? I am not taking anything from his family now. Nor did I take anything from his children then. So you took nothing of his time? Of his money? What about when he had to lie to his kids due to his time with you? When he missed their baseball practice because he was with you. As for what his W might have lost through his R with me, well, that was brought on by her and her actions. Says HIM? You might see it differently if you were in her shoes.
Author ladybug63 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Can'tgiveup, I understand what you are saying, maybe I don't want the a to be over but I feel that one mistake on MY behalf caused this issue. Therefore that was why my question was asked "is it over and can we be friends?" Could it be a possiblity that maybe that is what he might want also because he did not so to speak "dump" me because again he was still seeing me.
Can'tGiveUp Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Do you not feel that we have any obligation to one another as human beings? If you and his wife were in a burning building together and she was on the ground reaching out her hand as you were headed out the door, would you just ignore her because you had no obligation to her? We are talking about A's here. In terms of her M, I have no obligation to her. Back to TMI to give details. So you took nothing of his time? Of his money? What about when he had to lie to his kids due to his time with you? When he missed their baseball practice because he was with you. Our time together did not interfere with his normal schedule in any way, shape, or form. He missed no practises, no dinners, no lies to his kids. And no extravagant sums of money spent on me. I probably spent more than he did...but I wasn't keeping track of it. Says HIM? You might see it differently if you were in her shoes. Quick background info is that we had a R when he was separated from her. More than a year after he returned to try to work it out (mostly because of kids), we began our A. We were friends first, we are always honest with each other. We never lie. He never bad mouthed her particularly, discussed actions rather than his interpretations of those actions. As well, we have mutual friends and their comments have only supported what he has said.
Can'tGiveUp Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Can'tgiveup, I understand what you are saying, maybe I don't want the a to be over but I feel that one mistake on MY behalf caused this issue. Therefore that was why my question was asked "is it over and can we be friends?" Could it be a possiblity that maybe that is what he might want also because he did not so to speak "dump" me because again he was still seeing me. Sorry for the t/j in the above posts. Maybe you need then to talk to him about his expectations. If you aren't ready for it to end, then maybe it isn't going to. Or perhaps he is just dealing with the reality of what he is doing, and your "threat" sits heavily in his mind. Doesn't want it to end...but is scared of the fall out.
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