shadowplay Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 My boyfriend of 2 1/2 months is taking a 4 hr bus trip tonight to visit me for the weekend. We're in a LDR now because he lives in NY, while I live in Boston. Anyway, he led me to believe he'd be leaving this morning (he was never that specific about when he'd be leaving but at least implied we'd definitely be spending Friday night together). So I waited all day to hear from him (I didn't call him, though, because I didn't want to pressure him). Nothing. Then the evening rolls around and he still hasn't called. I get increasingly worried. Finally, he called just now at 8:20 pm and informs me his bus will be arriving at 11pm and I can meet him then if it's not too late or we can see each other tomorrow. WTF. I really want to see him, but I felt like I would be a sap for agreeing to meet him this late so I said "call me when you're closer and we'll see how tired I am." At least that gives me some time to decide. So why the hell would he do this to me? All it would have taken was a simple call earlier in the day to inform me that he was coming in late and when to expect him. The thing I don't get is it was his idea to come at all and visit me...we just saw each other a week ago, but he said a few days ago he wanted to come down to see me this weekend. He also told me two nights about spontaneously that he was really excited about seeing me and started talking about all the movies he would bring that we could watch together. He's done this kind of thing before. Gone out of communication for no apparent reason. It hurts me beyond belief. Should I tolerate this kind of behavior? I've never said anything about it to him because I'm worried he'll feel boxed in. It just takes a toll on my self esteem whenever he does this and I don't know what to do. Should I see him tonight? I really want to, but I don't want him to see me as a weakling. I feel so depressed right now.
Izzy B Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I don't think it is a big deal if he is a busy guy and couldn't make it to your town until 11 p.m., that is really not that late. It is not as if you just started seeing each other, you are an intimate couple in a relationship. 11 p.m. is really early for lovers. That said, it is odd that he would see not seeing you until tomorrow as an option if he is going to be in your town tonight. I am not feeling like he is that crazy about you.
Saxis Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Yeah, that seems kinda strange. If his sole purpose of coming into town was to see you, I'd think he'd call way ahead of time to let you know when he'd be there.... Makes me wonder if he doesn't have some other agenda or reason for coming, but certainly don't take my word on that! Might not be worth bringing up and potentially ruining the weekend, but if you do, at least give him a chance to explain and don't jump to conclusions!
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I don't think it is a big deal if he is a busy guy and couldn't make it to your town until 11 p.m., that is really not that late. It is not as if you just started seeing each other, you are an intimate couple in a relationship. 11 p.m. is really early for lovers. That said, it is odd that he would see not seeing you until tomorrow as an option if he is going to be in your town tonight. I am not feeling like he is that crazy about you. i think the reason he said that is last time he came in around that time i told him it was too late and we would have to wait until the next day. when i just spoke to him now he said 'we could wait until tomorrow if it's too late for you'
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Yeah, that seems kinda strange. If his sole purpose of coming into town was to see you, I'd think he'd call way ahead of time to let you know when he'd be there.... Makes me wonder if he doesn't have some other agenda or reason for coming, but certainly don't take my word on that! Might not be worth bringing up and potentially ruining the weekend, but if you do, at least give him a chance to explain and don't jump to conclusions! i don't know what his other agenda would be, but he did basically the same thing last time he visited me. he always calls me at the last minute right before he arrives. i don't know what the deal is, but i know his last (and only other) gf partly broke up with him because of his poor communication skills. i'm just wondering two things: 1) should i mention anything to him or let it slide. 2) should i see him tonight. i really want to, but i don't want to do the "wrong" thing.
tanbark813 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I'll agree that he should have called earlier but aside from that I think you're overreacting a bit. If he arrives at 11 you're still going to be spending Friday night together, as he implied. If it's a 4 hour bus ride then he left at 7 which seems pretty reasonable if he works a normal work week. Besides, you could have just called him if you were wondering. The "call me when you're closer and we'll see how tired I am" seems more f**ked up, IMO. Personally, if a girl said that to me when I was driving/riding a bus 4 hours to see her I'd either turn around or just tell her I'd see her tomorrow.
oppath Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 While it is inconsiderate of him, I'm not sure if it is that big of a deal. I'm the type of person who makes spontaneous plans and I am very flexible. It is possible that he was busy arranging other things and would get into town when he could get into town, and that happened to be late. I agree it is inconsiderate, but I'd chalk it up to having different types of personalities. He got in when he could get in. Now, he could have let you know "there is a chance I will be late" so you could have had earlier plans. That would have been nice. At face value though, I'd say he doesn't want to inconvenience you which is why he behaved this way. Turns out, it does inconvenience you quite a bit.
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I'll agree that he should have called earlier but aside from that I think you're overreacting a bit. If he arrives at 11 you're still going to be spending Friday night together, as he implied. If it's a 4 hour bus ride then he left at 7 which seems pretty reasonable if he works a normal work week. Besides, you could have just called him if you were wondering. The "call me when you're closer and we'll see how tired I am" seems more f**ked up, IMO. Personally, if a girl said that to me when I was driving/riding a bus 4 hours to see her I'd either turn around or just tell her I'd see her tomorrow. He doesn't even have a job at the moment. He's still in school but no classes today. He does have a terrible sleep pattern, though, and often wakes up after noon. He's pretty undisciplined and irresponsible in general. Do you think I should call him back now and tell him I'll see him?
tanbark813 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Do you think I should call him back now and tell him I'll see him? I think it's the least you can do if it's the second weekend in a row he's traveled 4 hours to see you.
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I think it's the least you can do if it's the second weekend in a row he's traveled 4 hours to see you. actually, i was the one to make the trip last week. he visited me the week before that.
oppath Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 The "call me when you're closer and we'll see how tired I am" seems more f**ked up, IMO. Personally, if a girl said that to me when I was driving/riding a bus 4 hours to see her I'd either turn around or just tell her I'd see her tomorrow. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be told that either. And I get the sense it is a passive aggressive punishment for him being passive in announcing his plans. You can always call him up and say "what time do you think you will be here? I'd like to make plans for earlier in the evening."
tanbark813 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 actually, i was the one to make the trip last week. he visited me the week before that. Ahh, okay. Well, I still think you should see him since you could have just called him yourself if it was that important. Just let him know that you'd like him to give you more of a head's up next time. No reason to give up a night together over it, especially if it's an LDR.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 ^^^^ TB, is spot on! If his day was kind of up in the air... and most of mine are... I wouldnt want to call you 6 times during the day to let you know my plans have had to change. I'd want to call you once just before I leave. I can't even believe he would be Ok with you saying your just too tired to pick him up at 11. Are you over 40? Do you have kids? Why would you be too tired? It sounds like your playing games with this poor guy.
tanbark813 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Yeah, I wouldn't want to be told that either. And I get the sense it is a passive aggressive punishment for him being passive in announcing his plans. You can always call him up and say "what time do you think you will be here? I'd like to make plans for earlier in the evening." Exactly.
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Okay, well I just called him and got the voice mail. Oh dear. I think I may have done something stupid in the message I left. I took Oppath's suggestion but it came out all wrong. I said at the end "give me a call when you get in because i may want to do something before then." Now he's going to be like "what is she doing?? is she hangng out with someone else? is she playing games with me?" Gah...I can never do anything right. And now what if I don't hear back from him until the last minute again right before 11. Would it be appropriate for me to give him another call before then?
tanbark813 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Would it be appropriate for me to give him another call before then? Sure, but give it another hour. It's going to be 11 over there in 2 hours anyway, right? Just have a beer and chill. Did it ring and go to voicemail or just go straight to voicemail? If it's the latter the bus might be in a bad spot.
oppath Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 You are really overanalyzing! If I was coming in late and my girlfriend said "let me know when you are going to get in because I may be doing something earlier" I would think "she's doing something earlier. I should have called her in advance to let her know my plans." I wouldn't think "OMG what might she be doing? Is there another guy?" I'd only think "it's friday, she is probably going to be out with friends and wants to know when I'll be there so we can meet up."
squeak Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 This just sounds like beginning of the relationship getting used to eachother quirks. You may be figuring out he is spontaneous and not too great at communicating, as opposed to "not that into you". He may be figuring out you overanalyze and are overly anxious, as opposed to plain old moodiness. This may be an ongoing issue, you could meet him and say: "next time, I would really apprerciate if you let me know in advance if you will be late, I would have liked to have done other things before meeting you tonight, my time is important to me" (but less business like) or you could just let your actions speak for you by saying "I would love to meet you tonight, but since you are getting in so late let's just meet tommorrow-next time let me know if you'll be late so we can plan better!" You'll both work it out. Meeting at 11 is not something she should get him used to though, it would be better to have some real catch up time first. Don't let him get used to having you meet him at any old hour that is good for him.
Replicant Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Okay, well I just called him and got the voice mail. Oh dear. I think I may have done something stupid in the message I left. I took Oppath's suggestion but it came out all wrong. I said at the end "give me a call when you get in because i may want to do something before then." Now he's going to be like "what is she doing?? is she hangng out with someone else? is she playing games with me?" Gah...I can never do anything right. And now what if I don't hear back from him until the last minute again right before 11. Would it be appropriate for me to give him another call before then? I also think you are overreacting a tad, I don't think he's done anything wrong. Many things could or can happen, like delays at the bus terminal, traffic etc.. But if it's the bus i'm thinking of i believe there is a constant express between NYC and Boston all day every day. Now if he was delayed it would be polite to call and say traffic was jammed on the interstate etc etc im going to be a bit late. Where as it seems as if you almost want to spite him for something he may have intentionally not done. Have a few drinks take the edge off, get your butt over to the terminal, tell the dude your sorry for overreacting but glad he made the trip (Don't go into detail) then get off that topic and enjoy the rest of the night.....Shadow relax!
Izzy B Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I am sorry but something is really off in this relationship. You should be able to arrange seeing each other for the weekend without all this tension, this isn't normal.
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Leave another voice message for him telling him you'll meet him at the bus station. Show up there and wait for his bus. Then, at some point over the weekend, you two need to talk about your relationship and make sure you're on the same page. 2 1/2 months isn't that long, plus you say it's a LDR, so honestly, I think you two just need to clear the air. I bet all will be fine by Sunday night.
Star Gazer Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I agree with what da boys have already said.
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Thanks for the input, guys! I'm just about to go meet him. He called me back shortly after I made my last post. I'll let you know if there's anything new to report. Hopefully there won't be. I probably could use a drink...
uniqueone Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 ^^^^ I can't even believe he would be Ok with you saying your just too tired to pick him up at 11. Are you over 40? Do you have kids? Why would you be too tired? Thanks for the laugh. We older folks do need our rest. LOL. Shadowplay, I don't think you and he really fit together too well. He seems too lackadaisical for you. People who are like that don't change. It's just how they do things. And if it's bothering you now...it's going to REALLY bother you later on in the relationship. I don't think you expected too much out of him. You wanted to know your weekend plans and you found them out at the last minute. To the posters who said you could have called him and asked, we women are told over and over how men like the chase and if we look too eager, the man will lose interest. Some people here said she is playing games but she didn't make up the game to begin with. I don't blame you for how you feel Shadowplay. I've been in your shoes before in a sense and you're rearranging your whole schedule....including sleeping...just to fit his schedule. All you want is to be able to coordinate schedules together...and you don't want to have to look like you're taking control of it all. I don't see you being happy with a guy like this long term. He's going to get you frustrated and angry.
Recommended Posts