Broken Up...NC...and missing him

[Chiquita27]

My story sort of repeats itself once again. Over a year ago I met this awesome guy who I felt deeply in love with. We truly liked each other and enjoyed eachother's company very much. Everything seemed to be ok...but one day, out of nowhere...he broke up with me. He didn't have a reason....he made up a bunch of excuses that really didn't make much sense. I had a hard time dealing with it because I was still very into him and of course had strong feelings for him.

 

He dissapeared for a few weeks and then came back saying that he wanted to keep in touch....I think at that point I was content with anything he could offer me.....so we became good friends.....but I still had strong feelings for him. For about 10 months I was one of his closest friends........he decided to start dating several women...and that hurt me deeply because I couldn't believe he just couldn't look at me and want me back....but still sucked it up and dealt with it.

 

The reason why I stuck around was because he suffers from depression and I seemed to be one of the few people he opened up to....whenever he had a crisis he would call me and I would listen. He always said that I was one of the few people that accepted him the way he is. But one day I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to tell him we couldn't be friends anymore. I said I had to get rid of my feelings for him and that I needed to be away from him in order to do that. We didn't speak for a few weeks.

 

But then he came back saying he had realized what he had in me and that never anybody will care for him the way I did. He wrote this touching letter describing his feelings and asked me to get back together with him and have a bf/gf relationship. I couldn't say no...that's what I wanted and he was offering it. Soo I took him back.

 

Now, after 2 months......it happened again......a week ago he said he can't work on a relationship....he asked for time apart to see if he missed me.....and I walked away because I feel like I can't force him to love me. He says he has issues with people caring for him...and he can't deal with me caring for him because he feels like he can't open up to his feelings.

 

I honestly don't know if it's pure BS......or if he's just hiding the fact that he met someone else.....I don't know. We haven't spoken for a week now...and I am not planning to contact him. I feel really sad and miss him like crazy because we did spend a lot of time together and it's hard to not have him in my life.

 

At this point I don't know if I want him back or if I just want to move on. He seems to play with my feelings and never realizes what a good woman I have been to him.

 

Please give me some advice...I would really appreciate it.

 

Thanks!

[Spinderella]

sorry you are going through such a hard time.

i think you are doing all you can do to keep away from him. its the best course of action you can possibly take. i dont know if he is seeing somebody else or not, but, it really sounds like he panicked to have lost you and so acted rashly in doing anything including offering a relationship with you to get you back into his life.

it sounds as though he just doesnt know what he feels, but until he does and has really really thought about it, not just trying to get you back into his life again, then you are going to have to be strong.

i would suggest if he tries to contact you again and tells you he has feelings for you that you tell him to go and have a think about it and be sure of that. i think this is the best thing you could possibly do, and until that happens then keep trying to live your life as best as you can, but DO NOT contact him.

be strong.

[Chiquita27]

Thank you Spin!!!.......it's hard because I keep on staring at the phone in hopes that he will call. And he never does.......but gladly I don't even try to call him or write to him.

 

I really wished he snapped out of it and truly appreciated me....but I guess only time will decide that.

 

I appreciate your words!

[Spinderella]

no worries chiq!

youre being strong, keep it up.

[ncpd25]

Hi Chiq,

I read your post and wanted to provide my perspective. In a nutshell, I grew up in a rather dysfunctional family. I got along great with my parents but my 3 older brothers were schmucks. One stole money from me, another forged my name on mortgage papers (The list goes on). In addition to that, I ended up in a few relationships were I got burned pretty bad. Betwen my brothers and the relationships, I felt I really couldn't trust anybody. I felt this was not a healthy attitude and I thought it would benefit me to go to a therapist.

I worked through many of the feelings I harbored and was told, I have to allow myself to be vulnerable and let people be there for me. I had gotten so use to doing things for myself and never relying on anyone, that, it was a difficult concept to grasp. My previous relationships were difficult to deal with however, each time, a relationship ended, I would take time for myself and make sure I didn't use anybody as a rebound. The funny thing is, I'm here because I just broke up with my girlfriend because, she was lying to me for a few months about her ex and she ended up running back to him. Burned again! I never take previous circumstances into a new relationship as it's not fair to the person I'm dating.

The point I'm trying to make is, maybe your ex really does have a difficult time trusting people in is life. Although, it's not your fault, it obviously effects you and the relaionship. If the two of your are still on speaking terms, you could suggest, he talks to somebody about his issues (a professional). Maybe he can would through it and adopt a new atitude. Of course, I don't know his circumstances or his past but, if he's willing to try, it could make a huge difference in his life. It's a terrible feeling, when you feel, you cannot turn to anybody although, you really can. He needs to understand all that you are and all you could be for him. I don't know if its too late for the two of you or not but, I think he needs to address his issues. I hope this helps and gives you some insight. Take care and I wish you the best.

[Spinderella]

while it is always good to try to look at things fairly from the other persons perspective, i do happen to think that by giving him any advice at all, she is putting herself in exactly the same role she was in before.

of course it is good to be there for other people, but not always helpful to be an avoidance enabler for them.

by carrying on as his friend and advisor she is allowing him to not have to decide whether he really wants to get out of this rut and make a proper relationship happen.

she also has to look out for herself aswell. youre no good to anybody if youre not ok yourself.

[ncpd25]

I agree Spin. Nobody is any good to another unless they are in good enough shape to look after and take care of themselves. That is specifically why I never rush into another relationship in the event I break up with somebody. I was simply saying, if she is still on speaking terms with him and she wanted to mention it to him, maybe she could mention that therapy or counseling might be a good option....and leave it at that. I don't think she needs to coddle him or take him by the hand and lead him around. I believe he is adult enough to make the decision

I just think it's an option and I wanted her to know that it's possible that maybe his feelings are real. I don't know either of them. I was just giving my take on it.

[Chiquita27]

Thanks ncpd25 and Spin for your insights!!!

 

@ncpd25...I'm really sorry you keep on getting hurt by people you care about.....it's truly sad that they are not able to appreciate you and all the love you give them.

 

With my ex, we are not on speaking terms. He asked for time apart and I am giving it to him. At this point I think he has become used to being without me and I don't really think he will come back.

 

About a month ago he had a really bad crisis and we decided the best decision was to go to the hospital and start a treatment. He spent a week in observation and getting crisis help. I was there for him, I took him there and visited him everyday to bring him food or to take him home whenever he was allowed to do his everyday activities...since then he has started new medication and has therapy every week. It's been a month now that he has been doing this. And I thought that being together through those times had made our relationship stronger....I became closer to his family and to his friends.

 

But apparently I was dilusional, because he didn't think it twice to kick me out of his life. Sometimes I feel like I should've put up a fight when he asked for a break...but then realize that no matter what I could've said if he had decided he wasn't going to continue with our relationship he would've just said NO and made me feel rejected.

 

Today is a hard day......the weekends are hard because we used to spend them together. I wish he called me...but then when I think about it...I probably wouldn't pick up. Because at this point talking to him might even hurt more. Specially if he's only calling to see how I'm doing but not to tell me he wants to get back together.

[Chiquita27]

He called Saturday night and I didn't pick up. He left a message saying he's doing well and that he misses talking to me. He said I'm one of his best friends and that it feels weird not to contact me. He also said thanks for giving him his space...and then he said he didn't know what else to say and hung up.

 

I didn't call back...but yesterday I sent a text message saying I was happy to hear he is doing well, and that i miss him and told him to take care of himself. He never replied or anything.

 

I don't know if it was a good idea to text him, but I just wanted him to know that I'm not mad at him or anything like that.

 

I don't know if I should just let go of my feelings for him and move on completely.......missing him is hurting me a lot.....and I don't even know if he will ever come back.

[jaelynne52]

Chiquita, that has to be hard. I feel for you so much. It sounds like maybe he's hurting a lot as well, and misses you, but knows that what he's doing right now is necessary. When you aren't feeling right about yourself it's really hard to reach out to another person, and it seems like maybe that's the trouble he's having with you. I think he cares about you, but everything is too complicated for him right now...

 

I think you are doing the right thing, looking out for yourself and giving him space. As for letting go and moving on, I think that's something you can't force. I've been trying to force it for a while, and my friend pointed out to me this weekend that there's a difference between acknowledging that you need to let go and actually letting go. You'll miss him for a while, but life will tell you when it's time to move on.

 

I think it's a good thing that you sent him the text. I know it might seem counterproductive, breaking NC, but it's good to make sure there are no hard feelings. And he contacted you first, so you were still respecting his space.

 

Just stay strong and take care of yourself. You're doing good!!

[Chiquita27]

Thanks jaelynne52 for your words. They sure help!

 

I guess only time can solve this sort of situations. The thought of not having him in my life anymore makes me really sad. But if that's what's meant to happen then I guess I will be able to move on eventually.

 

I don't know if he will contact me again. I feel that as time passes he's going to get used to being without me more and more. But I can't force him to come back. At this point I feel like I had become a burden to his life, since he has to deal with some many things, dealing with me was just adding more stress to his issues.

 

I am not sure what I'm going to do if he comes back offering me a friendship only. As much as I want to be part of his life, being just a friend at this moment will only hurt me.

 

Hope you are feeling better about your situation..........

[jaelynne52]

I worry about the same thing with my ex, that the longer I spend NC with him, the more he will forget about me and move on. But if he does that, then the hope is that I will be doing the same. NC is for both partners to figure out what they want and what is important, so I just have to trust in time and life to work things out for me.

 

And I know how hard being a friend can be. I tried it, and I had to stop, and it still hurts that I couldn't do it. Especially when you know your partner is hurting so bad, bad enough that they have to push you away to deal with themselves, you want to be able to be there for them, but I couldn't do it. If you have the strength for that, more power to you, but don't sacrifice your peace of mind either.

 

You said before that you thought you partner was being selfish in putting distance between you in order to deal with his depression. Just remember you can do the same thing, and it'll be good for you, to keep your emotional state of mind healthy! Being selfish isn't always a bad thing, sometimes you need to set boundaries!!

[Chiquita27]

I think you are right. If he comes back asking for a friendship only, I'm going to think about me before I think about him. Right now I can't do the friendship thing. It's unfortunate, but being his friend only, would cause me more pain than joy. Specially because he's the type of guy that shares everything with his friends and I know he would come and tell me he's seeing somebody or something like that at some point.

 

I guess is time to think about me first.

[jaelynne52]

There you go!! I know that things will work out the best for you! I'm glad to see you have such a strong spirit.

[Chiquita27]

Believe me...it's easier said than done.

It will take a lot of strenght to do this......hopefully I won't have to. But with this guy I never know what's going to happen.

[jaelynne52]

Oh, I know it's easier said than done, but think of everything you will prove to yourself once you do it! That's the biggest thing for me, I've been two weeks NC with my ex, the longest I've not seen or talked to him since we started dating, and every day I want to just shoot him in an email to see what's up, or tell him about some silly thing I read, or saw. But I know that if I do, I'll be back to square one, miserable and having to reorganize my feelings all over again. The little miserable moments of not being able to contact him are a lot better than the all day miserable moments of being rejected and hurt again when I do talk to him.

 

Every time I resist my urge, I'll send my thoughts your way in the hopes that maybe it'll help make it easier for you...!

[Chiquita27]

OMG....I would really appreciate anything that comes from you and helps me out to overcome my sad moments.

 

What you say is nothing but the truth. Rejection from the one you love is quite painful and avoiding it is better than risking any progress one has made.

 

Thanks so much for your words and for sharing your experiences with me.

[Chiquita27]

My story continues.....

 

Ended up bumping into ex online (hadn't blocked him because normally we don't even talk on msn) and had a conversation with him. Turns out he had already decided to move on and to forget to even attempt to work on our relationship. He is working on his life issues but I am not involved on any of it. I was upset because initially he said he needed to get better so that we could have a better relationship but now he says he felt like he was forcing himself to be with me. Which bothered me because I never forced him to anything, and for him to say that really hurt me, but whatever.

I said I needed to be away from him because being around could only hurt me....and he started saying how hard it is to lose my friendship because he does love me as a friend and cares about me and enjoys our time together.....which made me think that maybe I could have a friendship with him only. Soo that night I went to bed and cried myself to sleep and the next morning I woke up with the idea that we should be friends and that maybe I can do it. Soo I write him this truthful email where i tell him how much he means to me and that I wish him well and that I would love to continue our friendship because with the time it has become stronger and stronger and it would be too bad to lose that just because a relationship didn't work.

He said he was happy with that and he promised me he was going to cultivate our friendship more and more each day. And blah blah blah.......

Today I send him an email checking on him because he mentioned he was feeling really sick and I just wanted to know if he had gotten better.

What does he do?

He replies in the meanest tone saying how he's so busy and has no time for little emails and how he has so many things to do and I'm just taking his time.

 

I definitely don't need that........honestly I tried.......but now I don't feel like even trying to be friends because I don't need to be treated like crap but somebody that honestly doesnt' care.

 

I guess my road with him has come to an end and I still miss the good things we had....but I can't force him to treat me right......

 

I'm really sad right now.....

[jaelynne52]

Oh, Chiquita, I'm so sorry to hear that!! I can't imagine how much that must have hurt you, after all the soul searching you had to do to even try, just to get spurned that way.

 

My heart goes out to you. It's obvious that he doesn't deserve someone who is as caring and supportive as you have been. Just remember that you are stronger than he is, and you will pull through.

 

I keep thinking about you, hoping that you are doing okay. Now my heart really hurts for you!!

[Chiquita27]

Thanks jaelynne.......I think I want to follow your example and move on....I know you cared a lot about your ex but now you are finding yourself and you have been able to progress with time.

 

I really want to do that. I think the friendship with him would've worked but deep down inside probably seeing him with someone else would've hurt me.

 

I feel weird when I think I helped him start a process to get better and when he does get better someone else will enjoy that and not me. But honestly there is nothing I can do about that. And it's best to just leave and not turn my head back.

 

I appreciate your kind words and your thoughts.

[Curious139]

I've been following this thread and just wanted to say that I feel for you too. It sounds like your ex needs support and help which you have generously given him and now he is able to help himself - or so he thinks.

 

Sadly your relationship may be one of his problems - nothing to do with you, but rather that he isn't able to commit and you represent some mental stumbling block. Its in his own head.

 

Breaking NC is perfectly natural and I went through the same despair as you last week. Don't be hard on yourself, keep going, the pain will start to fade in time.

 

As for being friends, I believe you can. However you first must have a period of NC which could be 6 months - a year, in order to let your emotions settle. You have to be in a place where contact is pleasant rather than painful.

 

Hope this helps.

[jaelynne52]

I agree with Curious, Chiquita. Maybe with some time you can be friends, but to try right now when everything hurts so bad would be too hard. I'm still grieving for my ex, so I know that now would not be the best time for me to reach out for him. I want to be his friend, I do, but I don't want to get hurt, and until I can be his friend for the right reasons, I have to keep my space.

 

It's very honorable of you to have sent him in the right direction, and hopefully some day he'll see that you did that for him. Right now he's very much caught up in his own problems, and he probably doesn't see how much this really hurts you. Your guy doesn't sound like a heartless jerk, just very confused and in pain. He wants to be whole again, so he pushes you away to try and stand on his own two feet, but then he sees how insecure he is, so he reaches to you to try and help him. Making your own stand is better for him (and definitely you...) in the long run.

 

Keep posting, Chiquita. I've definitely grown fond of talking to you!!

[Chiquita27]

After ignoring many phone calls and many messages...I gave in and ended up seeing my ex.

We were friendly and nice to eachother.......but I had to put a front and show no emotions and show him that I'm moving on nicely and that my life has continued in a good way.

In reality I miss him like crazy and wish he had come back to tell me he wanted to try things again. But that wasn't the case.

I think he's going to start looking into dating soon............I don't really know.

I know that seeing him might have been a mistake because I wasn't this sad before, now I have had really down moments in the past two days.

He was cold and distant....more than the usual.....I suppose that's how it should be.

I knew I had to move on..........but I didn't know it had to be this fast.......I suppose only time will help me get over this.........but right now I feel like this sadness is going to last for such a long time............I'm tired of it. Soo tired of it!

[jaelynne52]

Hey Chiquita, sorry to hear that you are so sad!

 

Did talking to him do anything for you besides make you sad? Did you get any closure, or was this mostly his idea and for him?

[Chiquita27]

I thought that seeing eachother was going to be for both of us. But I think it was more for him. I don't really know what he wanted to accomplish from it but I know it took a lot for me to put up a front and be like I'm doing well. I showed him that I'm moving on and that life is good. In reality life is sad right now....and I truly miss him. But he made it clear that there was no way back. So I didn't even bother showing him my true emotions. I can't let him see how miserable I feel.

 

I do think it was to confirm that we are done....and that there is no way back. And probably that's why I'm so sad. He started saying stuff about how only a year of relationship didn't mean much for him. He says that his true friends and people that he cares about have been in his life for more than that, 5 to 10 years....Probably it would take that long for him to care about me....I don't think I'm willing to wait for that long to get some sort of affection from him.

 

He needs to work on his issues....and one day I hope he overcomes everything that right now is making him unstable......but I don't think it would be a good idea for me to sit and wait. For some reason I felt like it bothered him that I'm doing fine without him...it bothered him that I am taking classes I enjoy and that I'm hanging out with new people.

I found that selfish......

 

Anyway.....I know my sadness will go away eventually.........at least I hope it does :S