Tomcat33 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 "Ambrose was bishop" is not a grammatically correct sentence. You need the indefinite arcticle 'a' in there. You would say "Ambrose was A bishop, because 'bishop' is a noun. well that example came from the SIL International site, might wanna have it out with them then because those are the examples they are using globally to teach our language.
Tomcat33 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 That is because is is not a adjective. Unless a proper suffix is added. (i.e. whorish) I had fun revisiting those clips as well singing the term "whore". Mostly on the noun one though. you're right it's not a adjective, but it is an adjective nite nite
Tomcat33 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 That is because is is not a adjective. Unless a proper suffix is added. (i.e. whorish) nice try on the "ish" example, and for grade three it is a good rule of thumb to start learning the English language, but when we become adults we actually find out that our language is far more rich than that with many exemptions to the rules! And remember Nobody likes to be called a whore, or a nincompoop!
lavendera Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 e n i t, I might have missed a page here, so sorry if this was already suggested. Have you heard of the book "Not Just Friends"? It would be a great book to buy for you AND your friend. Easy to read and talks sensitively and wisely on the subject of being friends with a married person. Good luck with your journey. I hope you can stay strong.
jj2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 So... after reading your initial post... the gist of what you're saying is "Hey gals, you CAN say no." Yes. So true. It is a falsehood that "you can't help who you fall in love with" - you most certainly can help it. If the person is committed to someone else, you simply say NO. It's that simple. I've done it myself. It is not hard to do. It requires only one thing - a conscience. Thanks! I second that!
silktricks Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 To the OP: I don't know if you're still reading here or not. The problem you are faced with is not particularly rare. It's very understandable that you don't want the lose a 20 year friendship, and it's commendable that you know that you won't agree to his come-ons. But, now that it's out in the open that he's interested in you, you can't simply ignore it, especially since you made the mistake of letting him know that you find him "hot". Rather than cutting the evil genie off at the knees you provided some growing power. So... you've been given some really good information here, and one of those things I want to repeat (with my own twist). You need to set the man down and tell him that you don't want to lose his friendship, that it means a great deal to you. BUT, if he again ventures into an area that in any way skirts the idea of an affair you will not be able to remain his friend. I don't recall if you have a friendship with his wife as well, but if you don't, it may be a good idea to cultivate one. Instead of having a one-on-one relation with a man who is in a vulnerable state, include his wife to make it a completely open and aboveboard situation. Who knows, you may even end up being a positive force in their marriage and help her to see some portions of his personality that she is currently blind to... Anyway, best of luck. Also, don't let some of the folks on LS run you away. There is a large variety of people who post here, it's kind of a "something for everybody" smorgasbord of ideas. None of which you need to pay any attention to.
bish Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Speaking of being sensible, let's get our adjectives straight now. If being an OW is being a whore, by definition and given how strongly you feel about crossing certain lines that would compromise your own principles, aren't you being exactly that by continuing a friendship with someone you know has interests that you don't sit well with? No...she isn't...because she isn't spreading her legs for someone elses husband.
bish Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Yes, and 'hideous' is an adjective describing the noun 'whore'. If you take 'hideous' out of the sentence, whore is still a noun. Sorry Tomcat...nora is correct.
bish Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 And remember Nobody likes to be called a whore you are right...ok to be one...not to be called one.
herenow Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I only have time to read a few of the responses to this thread, but I do want to post my opinion. Yes, it's nice to see someone actually stop before crossing the line to sex, but that doesn't mean she isn't having an inappropriate relationship with this man. One question will determine if she is having an affair or not. To the OP, how would his wife react to the fact that he is discussing their sex life with you? Unless the answer is that she knows and she doesn't mind, you are having an emotional affair that can be very damaging to all involved. Anytime a married person has a conversation that they are not willing to be open about to their spouse, they have already crossed the line. Again, I like the fact that the line has been drawn and you aren't giving in to sexual acts, but I think there was line a ways back that you already crossed. JMHO
luvmy2ns Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I only have time to read a few of the responses to this thread, but I do want to post my opinion. Yes, it's nice to see someone actually stop before crossing the line to sex, but that doesn't mean she isn't having an inappropriate relationship with this man. One question will determine if she is having an affair or not. To the OP, how would his wife react to the fact that he is discussing their sex life with you? Unless the answer is that she knows and she doesn't mind, you are having an emotional affair that can be very damaging to all involved. Anytime a married person has a conversation that they are not willing to be open about to their spouse, they have already crossed the line. Again, I like the fact that the line has been drawn and you aren't giving in to sexual acts, but I think there was line a ways back that you already crossed. JMHO Does this mean you never bitch to your girlfriends or your mom, sister, brother, etc. about your other half? Do you seriously NEVER say anything about him that you wouldn't say to his face? Just because it's a man/woman situation doesn't make it any different, providing that at least ONE of them keep it on the straight and narrow. Hopefully, the OP will continue to do so.
herenow Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Does this mean you never bitch to your girlfriends or your mom, sister, brother, etc. about your other half? Do you seriously NEVER say anything about him that you wouldn't say to his face? Just because it's a man/woman situation doesn't make it any different, providing that at least ONE of them keep it on the straight and narrow. Hopefully, the OP will continue to do so. OK, let me be a bit more clear. In the context of this thread, I would say that when a MM has a sexual conversation with another woman, and is not willing to tell his wife about said conversation, he (the MM) is involved in an inappropriate relationship. That is how the lying begins. Any therapist or affair help book will tell you that when a MM has conversations with an OW that he would not be comfortable telling his wife about, he has already crossed the line. Doesn't even matter if the conversations are about sex. To answer your question, I have made a commitment to never let my marriage get to a point ever again where I can't shared my honest thoughts with my H. I may not tell him about every conversation I ever have, but I wouldn't feel the need to hide any of them either. Also, I would find it very uncomfortable to have a male friend start telling me about the sexual problems in his marriage, however, if I was to have that conversation with a girlfriend, I would listen and try to help her.
NoIDidn't Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Hi All! Sorry I am late to the party. ENIT I wrote a long drawn out story and then decided against posting it. What I want to say is this: if I were his W and knew about the friendship and the conversations being said, the friendship would be on my chopping block because a friend shouldn't be discussing what is not their business to even know. I would deal with my H's part of it, but the friendship will have to end. Escpecially if I am not included in it, at least casually. Like you, I used to be one of the guys, too. But that ended when I got older and got married. One, because its unbelievably rude to talk about sex with another man knowing that I am married. Two, because my guy friends respected my marriage for the most part and wouldn't want some guy talking to their W in that manner either. I know you have felt bashed, but most of the posters were not bashing you but opening your eyes to the reality of your sitch. His W will feel that you are an interloper whether or not you have had sex with him. She has been violated (by him for telling you her/their business, by you for allowing him to continue down that road in conversation). I think you are going to have to let this friendship go for awhile. Pull way back. Maybe it can be saved, maybe it can't. But don't allow yourself to rationalize things by talking about a 20 year friendship. Friends come and go. He may be one that has to go, for now or forever. Tread carefully with this.
NoIDidn't Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Does this mean you never bitch to your girlfriends or your mom, sister, brother, etc. about your other half? Do you seriously NEVER say anything about him that you wouldn't say to his face? Just because it's a man/woman situation doesn't make it any different, providing that at least ONE of them keep it on the straight and narrow. Hopefully, the OP will continue to do so. That kind of bitching is not the same. You are talking about family. You probably bitch to them about tons of stuff anyway, up to and including your spouse. I think the point being made by HN is that the man/woman are not related and the man/woman involved here could replace the marital relationship. You can't marry your sister or your brother. But you probably could marry your "best friend". BTW, I don't think its healthy or fair to family members to complain about your spouse to them either. Its very dysfunctional and creates divisions in the family and spouse relationship. And its disrespectful to the poor spouse being maligned. JMHO.
luvmy2ns Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Here's what Merriam-Webster has to say about word usage. My initial thread about this was deleted, and I was asked to put this on the end of the thread it applied to. Here's the link: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/whore whore 2 entries found for whore. To select an entry, click on it. whore[1,noun]whore[2,verb] Main Entry: 1whore Pronunciation: 'hor, 'hur Function: noun Etymology: Middle English hore, from Old English hOre; akin to Old Norse hOra whore, hOrr adulterer, Latin carus dear -- more at CHARITY 1 : a woman who engages in sexual acts for money : PROSTITUTE; also : a promiscuous or immoral woman 2 : a male who engages in sexual acts for money 3 : a venal or unscrupulous person Therefore, the word "whore" is NEVER an adjective. "To whore (verb) or to be a whore (noun). THAT is the question. Now where's my $20?:lmao:
Woggle Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 OW are not whores but most of them have serious issues. It is obvious that they can't handle a healthy and happy relationship so they chase after MM because they view it as safe but being human they end up catching feelings. If you notice ost of these OW have very warped views on relationships.
luvmy2ns Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 OW are not whores but most of them have serious issues. It is obvious that they can't handle a healthy and happy relationship so they chase after MM because they view it as safe but being human they end up catching feelings. If you notice ost of these OW have very warped views on relationships. I wasn't calling anyone a whore. The word was touted to be an adjective, and in a rather superior way. I just figured I'd let Merriam-Webster lay out the undeniable facts. Yes, we were right. I still want my 20 bucks.
JackJack Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 The whole noun, verb, adjective, what does this mean and that mean, is just hilarious.
Tomcat33 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 That kind of bitching is not the same. You are talking about family. You probably bitch to them about tons of stuff anyway, up to and including your spouse. I think the point being made by HN is that the man/woman are not related and the man/woman involved here could replace the marital relationship. You can't marry your sister or your brother. But you probably could marry your "best friend" I totally agree! It's like when someone says "oh my god are you kidding she could be your mother" yeah, but she's not.
luvmy2ns Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 The whole noun, verb, adjective, what does this mean and that mean, is just hilarious. I just couldn't help myself, JJ. Some just refuse to see the error of their ways.
frannie Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I'd like to add in my ten cents worth if I may. I'm a single female, never been married, no kids, not dating anyone right now. I recently had a friend of mine who has been married for about 15 years indicate to me he wanted to "work something out" in the sex department with me, basically. Let me tell you, from my perspective, why I'm not going to be an OW... I met Ted (we'll call him that) 20 years ago right out of h.s. and we fooled around a few times. We were both single and young, so why not. I liked him a lot, but was so young (he's a little older), we were not compatible at the time I think, and then I moved far away while he stayed put in our hometown. He got married, had kids. He married his h.s. sweetheart. We kept in touch on and off over the years. Sometimes more off than on. It wasn't until about 6 years ago that we kept in touch more regularly and realized we had a lot in common and struck up a friendship (by email at the time). The more we got to know each other, the more our friendship grew. He's a great guy. Really like him as a person. Then I began to hear the downlow about his marriage...almost got divorced before the kids, but then she got pregnant so they tried to work it out. Two kids in two years and that was over 10 years ago. From what he says, they've both been unhappy for about 15 or so years now. They are committed to their kids so they sleep separately, maintain appearances, and try to be good parents. From what he tells me, they have sex a couple times a year. This has gone on for years and years. She never, ever wants it. They've tried counseling, separation, etc. but nothing changes. I'm not friends with the wife and can't comment on her issues. I'm sure there's much more to it (obviously!). He is so sexually frustrated that he just can't deal with it anymore. As a friend, I have tried suggesting so many things to help him find a solution inside his marriage. He has tried them all, he says. He just accepts it'll always be this way. He is resigned to watching his kids finish school and then leaving. He says he stays for the kids. He has not had an affair - ever. He just masterbates a lot. hahaha So we joke about that - we both do it and it's funny to joke about. We've always been able to talk openly. There has always been an attraction between us, but we have never acted on it because it's just not an option! I tell him about my ex's, I almost got married once, etc. like any normal friendship. But then something changed... Fast forward to now. I am back in my hometown after 15 years of being away. Moved back a few years ago. My friend, after all these years, is suddenly seeing me as someone who can possibly be a substitution for masturbation I guess. Partly my fault for the types of conversations we have, I know that now, because I probably put that in his head by discussing sex in general. My mistake. I'm not dating anyone/getting any, he's dying for it, and we're very attracted to each other, so I think he is at the point where he figures let's just relieve each other and be done with it. This is only an evasive comment he made, nothing has actually happened. The thing is, like a lot of posters on here, I really do have deep feelings for my friend. I know that if he were single, we would probably be together and have a fantastic relationship. I care for him deeply. However, the thing is, you have to remind yourself, this person ISN'T single. They do have a wife at home who, despite whatever situation they are in, would probably be devastated and hurt to find out their spouse cheated. They have kids. They have a life. As much as I believe it would be so great to be with him, we can't be together - period! It isn't gonna happen! So I have always compartmentalized him as unavailable in my mind and he will always stay that way as long as he is married. It would also be a shame for me to waste away my life hoping he would leave her. Life is too short! Go out, have fun, date those single guys, and enjoy!! It can be very hard when you connect so deeply with someone, but no amount of desire is a good enough reason. If he's unhappy, he needs to sh*t or get off the pot. Either make a go of it or separate. Either way, I don't want to be in the middle of it. It's a NO WIN situation. As far as my friend, I've decided to not discuss certain topics with him. Obviously it took our friendship in the wrong direction and I don't want to lose his friendship, and since we've known each other so long, we'll be fine. You have to have boundaries and I failed to establish them recently, I guess, and he felt tempted, and before it even STARTS to go anywhere, it should STOP. I was just very shocked that after all this time it is suddenly an issue. I feel that it is my responsbility as the friend to say hey, we are just friends, you are married, and let's keep it that way. He's obviously feeling weak and if I'm the trigger of that weakness, I need to put a stop to it. So that's my solution. It should really be the only solution for anyone in this position. I'm not looking for a reply that beats up on this man, or our friendship. I don't need a lecture about emotional cheating, my friendship with him, his situation, blah, blah, blah. I just wanted to share that there are some women out there that have the common sense not to go down this road. And I think that he won't unless I ENCOURAGE IT and it is my reponsiblity NOT to encourage it! Ladies, you have to realize you do bear that responsibility!!! I do care others are involved, I do want better for myself, and I do believe that there's someone out there for me who is SINGLE. No amount of love makes it okay to do this in my opinion. If it's that freaking special, he'll look you up when he's divorced. And no matter how bad they say the relationship is, they still stay...so obviously you're not getting the full story. TRUST ME...there's probably so much you don't know. Let them work it out on their own. Don't be a reason for things going one way or the other. Anyway, just my opinion. Speaking as one who has been an OW for three years, I think you talk an awful lot of sense. Then again, so have many people who responded to you saying, yes, you're talking the talk, but are you actually walking the walk. Everything you said here sounds like the beginning of an OW post on the other forum. Right from the HS sweethearts hooking up again online, the mental anguish about 'doing that unthinkable' thing with someone already committed. And the unspoken question mark over the whole thing... what if..? Like LB said, there aren't many OW who go into an affair thinking this is the best decision they'll ever make. If you're thinking that way, you're incredibly wrong. And that is exactly why you're in great danger here, and why several OW and others have commented on it. We've been where you are, and thought what you're thinking. And we know what comes next... and you're not doing very much to prevent that next step. Almost EVERY OW agonises in exactly the way you're doing here (generalising, obviously many OW are never even aware the man is married at the beginning, but that's not the point here), even when in the affair. All I'm really going to say is, good for you on what you've posted. But you should be aware that OW aren't some kind of breed apart... in fact as you've found, a lot of people would call what you're doing an EA. But stick to your guns. And further than that, put some space between you and him, because you're not superwoman. And being an OW won't just hurt all those people you're worried about... it would hurt you in ways you have no conception of. So when you get tempted, think about that. Oh and just to add that that I'm English, and would never use the terms 'hometown', 'downlow' or 'High School Sweetheart' that you use here To say nothing of the phrase 'non-classless' which I've never heard of and must have been some kind of typo, surely..?
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Excellent post Frannie To the OP: Beginning an affair, especially emotional has no "start date" for some OW/OM. I dont know the day my emotional attachment with MM became an emotional attachment. The lines are blurred, hence why several posters have warned you that you may already be in emotional affair territory. Physical affairs - well, we all know when that line was crossed by the act. Again, it can become blurred in some areas, a meaningful hug, a slow dance are all physical contact but again, sexual contact is where physical affair territory opens up. Many OW, myself included, dont realise an emotional affair is taking place until they can look back - and by then, the damage has been done. I commend you for looking forward for bumps in the road and the dangers of a possible affair beginning. But its helpful to remember, you sometimes cant see the red stop light until you've driven right through it. Lastly, I'm from the UK too, and I haven't heard of non-classless lol - that might mean I'm non-classless, but nevertheless...
NoIDidn't Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Frannie that was a great post! I totally agree with what you said. I ENIT will consider the truth in your words.
somebody Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I have to nip my friendship with this guy... I met him in 1988, he has sinced married and had kids now GROWN and out of the house,...the sexual attraction is very strong but I don't want to be 2nd woman. no ... I am seeking companionship. .but we met in the garage 20 years later. and the electricity was still there. but it isn't meant to be...plus my boyfriend of 10 years died in February so I know I am trying to fill a void...so I have to shut down communication b/c it will not be what is good for me but it is sad that we didnt' get together 20 yrs ago before he got married. ...c'est la vie.
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