tikster Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 hi all, i haven't been her ein a looong time. mostly due to the fact that i was moving on,but... the drama continues. my story started when my ex broke up with me bout... 6, 7 months ago and immediately started dating some other girl. throughout the five months i believed that he left me for her. however, 5 months into their relationship he tells me and my other friends that he wants to break up with her for number of reasons. she's 18 he's 20. she wants to get married and have babies after only five months...yea. doesn't want to go to school etc. a week before he breaks up with her we have "the talk" he tells me that he still has feelings for me and that he never wanted to break up. it was all his family, especially his sister. they didn't, don't want us together b-cuz i am not from their culture. so they break up and he has been calling me often just to say hi and we have spent time together kissing and stuff. we've talked about sleeping together, but nothing has happened and he has even said that he won't pressure me because i told him that i was having issues with doing it. we've admitted that we still have feelings for one another, but for five months i believed that he left me for someone else and hurt so much and i can't just turn around n act like everything is ok. i have seen pictures of them at family parties and i feel like he treated her as more of a girlfriend than he treated me, like she got everything that i wanted from our relationship. call it jealousy, but i can't take it. i'm confused and don't kno if i can trust him. plus right now we are not in an official relationship, i don't think he's ready or maybe he's just using me. i tried to tell him how i feel, but it doesnt seem to get me anywhere. should i just cut off all contact or just slow things down and talk to him more. i just don't kno. if you need more detail feel free to ask. any advice would be great. thanx for your time.
heartoutside Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I would stop the make'n out and all that physical contact. You need to spend some time thinking about what you want, if you can take that risk again dating him and whatever questions you have in your head. You won't be able to do that if you don't have a clear head and the more you keep up the physical contact right now the muddier your head will be. I would tell him exactly how you feel, and exactly what your need right now. He wants to come back to you, but it has to be under your terms (don't tell him that it has to be under your terms though) and going right back into a physical relationship is the wrong way, you need to fix the problems first or at least address them and work on them before you can even start a physical relationship. I'm not saying you guys can't go out to dinner, or see a movie or have fun together, but you need to act like you're at starting all over if that is what you want.
Spinderella Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 he needs to tell you EXACTLY what is going to be different this time around if he seriously thinks you are going to give him another chance. agree with the above poster, stop with any physical contact at all. what has changed now? has he answered that? whats going to stop his family pressuring him now, and even if they do, what will his reaction to them be this time? these are the answers that you need before you allow yourself to start falling into this again, and the more physical stuff you do, even if it is only kissing, the more you will be falling for him before you get the answers you need. he needs to not just say it, but prove it to you in action, like letting his family see you together before you will so much as kiss him from now on. what do you think?
Author tikster Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 seriously, thank you guys soo much. it's one thing to say all of this in my head than to have a number of people assure me that i'm not crazy or overreacting. i have been feeling miserable for weeks w confusion n hurt and now i feel like i can talk to him and actually say what i need to (b-cuz u kno how important issues never seem to come out the right way that u had planned in your head) i don't kno if he just wants friends w benefits or whatever, but i def. can't let myself feel this way. it needs to be "show me effort or i walk".
Spinderella Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 you are right. dont settle for less than you want or you will get it. be strong.
Tormented Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Hi Tikster...I couldn't resist responding to your post because it's closely related to what I just went through. Like your ex, mine betrayed me by cheating with his ex girlfriend and then moved her in. The pain was absolutely incredible! Especially given the fact that when he was with her (before he met me) he told me she lied to him, cheated on him, stole money and expensive items from him the day she left, and even married the man she was cheating with. He told me several times that he wouldn't spit on the best part of her, wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, was completely over her and was in love with me. We did everything together for the year we were together...including plans to build a life together. Then...*poof*...he was gone and it was then I discovered what he had done. I have spent a year in anger, pain and anguish over this betrayal. He kicked her out within a month and began calling me constantly. In fact, he was calling me while she was living there. But I wanted nothing to do with him. The anger and hurt ran deep and I swore I'd never forgive him for what he did. Still, though, I always wondered if this hadn't happened, could we have had a good future together? And the "what ifs" continued to haunt me. Fast forward to the present: He returned into my life just a few weeks ago. He told me over and over again how sorry he was for what he did, that he knew immediately it was a mistake, that he realized it was me he was in love with but didn't know how to "fix" what he did. He said he made his bed and would now have to lay in it. Did it feel good to have him back? Initially, yes. I was happy. But it didn't take long before the anger and mistrust to set in. Everything he said, I questioned. My anxiety level went through the roof and I found myself unhappy that I agreed to put myself in this situation. I couldn't relax, couldn't enjoy our "us" time. Not like I use to before his betrayal. Everytime he wanted to touch me, to get intimate with me, visions of him touching HER flashed through my mind and I couldn't help but tense up. The result of our reconciliation? Just this week I reached a decision to walk away for good. I knew the "magic" we once had in our relationship was gone for good. It was destroyed when he betrayed me. The dynamics in our relationship had changed...from love and trust to resent and suspicion. And I found that I couldn't remain in a toxic relationship such as this. So I walked... we've admitted that we still have feelings for one another, but for five months i believed that he left me for someone else and hurt so much and i can't just turn around n act like everything is ok. Of course you can't, because what he did wasn't "okay." It doesn't matter WHY he did it, what matters is that he DID do it. He has basically proven to you that he's capable of doing this and your trust in him has been severely damaged...perhaps permanently. That's the demon I had to face - to come to terms that our relationship had been permanently damaged despite my deep desire that things would be "okay" given enough time and assurance from him. So I had to make a choice between reconciling with him or losing my self-respect. I decided to walk away with my self-respect intact. Because I felt that by accepting him back after what he did was basically giving him a green light that he could do it again and I'd continue to take him back. Not only do you lose respect for yourself, they lose a little respect for you as well. i have seen pictures of them at family parties and i feel like he treated her as more of a girlfriend than he treated me, like she got everything that i wanted from our relationship. Yep...I know exactly how you feel. Went through the exact same thing myself. My ex told me that he was miserable with her there, that he knew he made a mistake, that he knew he was in love with me....blah, blah, blah. Then I found some pictures of him and her together during their little "one-month affair," and he certainly didn't look miserable in those pics to me. In fact, in several of these photos they had their arms around each other equipped with big, happy smiles. And my stomach turned when I saw this...thinking to myself that while he was busy with his Kodack moments, I was somewhere crying with a badly broken heart. I actually shook while looking at these pics and I knew then that he was lying (again!). She was the one who lied to him, stole from him, cheated on him, broke his heart. Yet *I* was the one tossed aside like yesterday's trash...left to lick my wounds alone. And the deep anger set in again. Yep...I know EXACTLY how you feel. should i just cut off all contact or just slow things down and talk to him more. i just don't kno. if you need more detail feel free to ask. any advice would be great. thanx for your time. Because of my recent experience with my ex, I would advice you to walk away. Even you talk to him about it, will you honestly believe what he said? Probably not because he betrayed your trust. So it's a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation and a very hard, if not impossible one to overcome. Perhaps your situation will work out better than mine...it DOES happen, but very, very rarely once the trust has been broken. I so wish I could have given you more positive feedback, but I don't think I'd be doing you any favors or justice by doing so. I know how painful and hard this is for you, and when I advised you to walk away, I didn't give that advice lightly or easily. It's damn hard to walk away from a man you love regardless of what he's done. Your heart cries out for his touch...your brain screams to resist him unless you want further pain. Oh yeah...I DO know. Good luck, Tikster...stay strong! ~T~
tinke Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 HE DID LEAVE YOU TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! no matter how painful that may be...it is the reality. sugar coating it will only confuse you and prevent you from reaching any decisions. regardless of his reasons...you are faced with the outcome. and that is knowing he is capable of hurting, tossing a relationship without regard. think about it...and yes, i know you may think you are special in his eyes.....but, he did not just leave you with a clear explanation and move on. he left with much unresolved AND...demonstrated once again, his disrespect, by cheating on his g.f. with you! as tormented, i have experienced the same feelings of disgust when i had reconciled in the past. he would vanish without warning....very soon another woman would be in the picture. it is very draining to repair that trust only to have it disrupted again. i guess what i am saying is that from my experiences, i have learned not to give a cheater a second chance. yes, the dynamics have changed...there is a barrier now. lessons we learn! you will have to weigh it all out....follow your gut feeling. 5 mo. apart and with someone else is something to consider. take good care
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