lovesparis Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 hi all, i've read here and finally decided to join and post. this is my first post, so it's a bit long- sorry about that. about a month and a half ago my bf of almost 6mo ended our relationship. he was never really clear about what happened though i know it had to do with my friendship and extreme dependance on an older married male friend. i had never met his wife in the 3 years we had been friends-- which bothered me, but i let it go b/c he had been very supportive of me during very difficult personal times. i trusted and relied on him when i had problems. my bf said our relationship was not right, he tried many different ways to accept my frienship with this other guy. i asked him to please wait until after my birthday and after he'd met my friend at my party, and i would make a choice. i struggled with that for the whole summer b/c i loved him, but i'd only been with him for 5 months. and i promised myself when i started dating that i wouldn't ever date a man who thought he could pick my friends. i knew that i loved him but was afraid he was controlling. i debated daily about making this choice come my birthday. we had been planning on moving in together the beginning of the year, and i knew the choice would be made before that ever happened. but i really hoped after they met that i would be able to be friends with him while keeping my boyfriend too. we went on an extended weekend trip and a week or so after we got back he told me he couldn't be with me as long as this man was in my life, he said he wasn't going anywhere right then, but he wasn't the type of guy who could accept this. the next day we got into another fight and he packed up and left. i asked him to come back and talk, he did, we agreed to give a couple days of space and talk later in the week. we got back together and the enxt day he told me 'it just wasn't going to work' and ended our relationship. i know that i love my ex and want to be with him. i've only seen my other friend 3x since my bf broke up with me. i explained to my friend what happened and that my bf was veyr important to me and that i wanted to be with him and that i had to stop seeing him b/c i felt that my boyfriend was right, somewhere the lines got mixed up and while there wasn't anything going on b/w us, that our friendship was more than just friends. he filled the role of best friend, sugar daddy, and surrogate father to me. and when i started dating my boyfriend i should have seen that and changed the dynamics in our friendship, but i didn't. i was very reliant on him for support and to solve my problems when they came up. i apologized to my ex, i've written him a few emails asking for closure, and for another chance. i sent my last email on aug 27 and have been NC since. i love this man enough to marry him tomorrow without a doubt in my mind. but i know i hurt him, and i don't know if i'll ever get a 2nd chance. he's gotten a lifetime of second chances from almost everyone he knows, so he knows the value of a 2nd chance. i am not the type of girl who needs a man in her life. i've alwyas been extremely independent, which is one reason i was afraid of being with a controlling guy. now, i've had over a month to think about this, and i don't believe he's controlling at all. i believed he saw a problem and did everything he could to help me get out of it. i don't wnat to be back with him b/c i'm lonely or to have the upper hadn or anything. for the first time in my life i've found a man that i'm willing to put first and make a priority in my life, a man that i'm willing to reconsider my previously held beliefs for, a man that i want to be with and be devoted to. i love him as much now, probably moreso, than i ever did. he's the man i want to spend the rest of my life with and i have no doubt about that. do any of you have any suggestions on how i could go about getting him to reconsider?
coolio217 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 first of all no man would ever let his gf have a male friend,no matter how old is he,married or not.if u ever find a man like that he won't give a **** about you. you said you'v being sending him emails and he won't reply(have you consider he may not have internet)my advice is go to his place and "talk" to him.you said ur ready to marry this man tomorrow without second thoughts then what holding you back?fight for him. and another thing don't be to independent,woman lika that usualy end up lonley with a bunch of cats
reboot Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 i am not the type of girl who needs a man in her life. i've alwyas been extremely independent, which is one reason i was afraid of being with a controlling guy. now, i've had over a month to think about this, and i don't believe he's controlling at all. i believed he saw a problem and did everything he could to help me get out of it. i don't wnat to be back with him b/c i'm lonely or to have the upper hadn or anything. for the first time in my life i've found a man that i'm willing to put first and make a priority in my life, a man that i'm willing to reconsider my previously held beliefs for, a man that i want to be with and be devoted to. i love him as much now, probably moreso, than i ever did. he's the man i want to spend the rest of my life with and i have no doubt about that. Have you said this part to him? If I cared about you at all it would impress me all to hell.
Author lovesparis Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 coolio, he does have internet. he wouldn't be w/o it. you said you're ready to marry this man tomorrow without second thoughts? then what's holding you back?fight for him when i went to see him, he listened to my apology and said he would rather keep communication to the telephone. when i called him he asked that we keep our communication to email form. when i emailed him he said he'd rather not be contacted until october at the earliest. i'm trying very hard to respect that boundary. i'm trying really hard to give him some space and not push him. i've cooled down my independence considerably from what it has been in the past. i've learned there is a very fine line b/w independence and codependence. but i would rather be alone with cats than be walked on by a man. reboot, i told him the part where i didn't think he was controlling, that i was wrong about that. and that i realized he saw a problem and was just trying to help me. i told him that i love him, but not the rest. the last time i spoke to him face to face, i was still pretty messed up from the inital shock of it all. as i mentioned above i'm still trying to respect his boundaries and i haven't contacted him, in any way, since the end of aug. i want very much to tell him that. but i'm very afraid of pushing him further away. i want to do everything i can to know that i've put every effort i have into making this work out, and i know that saying that to him would be included in that list, but i don't want to hound him or push him away. it really means a lot to me that even though you don't know me, you are impressed by those words.
Author lovesparis Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 anybody else have thoughts?
Spinderella Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 wait a week and then post him those words
Lyssa Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 i asked him to please wait until after my birthday and after he'd met my friend at my party, and i would make a choice. I don't quite get this part. What choice? To either stay friends with the old MM or stay with your BF? If you loved your BF like you said you do, you would have cut contact with old MM. Yes, you have only been with your BF for 5 months but to know that you feel this strongly about him, you shouldn't have waited... you should have just told the old MM youre BF isn't happy with your friendship with him. I'm sorry if I am being harsh... I just find your situation a bit difficult to comprehend.
squeak Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I second Lyssa, the hurt of you basically saying I don't know who I will choose (that is what it boils down to) may have caused harm beyond repair. I can't imagine what you could say to reverse that deep, deep rejection. I don't mean to rub salt in the wound, but was it worth it? Your crumbs of a friendship with the married guy versus a fulfilling real relationship. You chose to stick by your principles, but the principles had some muddled intention involved. It seems the ex was, unfortunately, a sacrificial relationship, and cleared the field for a new guy for you in the future. If you really want to make a good last ditch attempt: You would need to address that total initial rejection (when you said you would choose after your birthday), no words of love or devotion can take that away. Also, you would need to directly acknowledge and be held accountable for that you selfishly chose this principle of imagining he was trying to control you over real empathy and sensitivity to what was needed to make the relationship work. He may be wondering how else that incompatability would rear it's ugly head later on. Issues like this are not compartmntalized to the specific problem at hand, but leak into the whole relationship. What can you say to convince him you have seen this, and will be sensitive in the future? This is a HUGE incomptability, sometimes people just aren't right for eachother. And he may know himself enough to realize he will always have residual anger and resentment about this. You don't want that. I have no idea how you would do that though. Except with a memory eraser. He sounded like he was pretty out of there though. Live and learn, something to think about next time, it sucks but second chances are not always an option.
Author lovesparis Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 spinderella, why do you suggest i wait a week? squeak, you're right. i made a mistake. though my choice was more like choosing to end my friendship, or choosing not to. (which essentially boils down to bf or f.) you bring very valid points of things i need to address. i am fully aware of the mistakes i made in regard to my friend and letting our friendship interfere with my relationship. i tried to have my cake and eat it too, and i shouldn't have. i love this man, and want him to be a priority in my life, i should have acted like it and i didn't. i was too scared, too stubborn, and proud. i have spoken to this friend only a handful of times since my birthday, and have only seen him one time since then (and that was a business transaction). i know that i have insecurities regarding control in relationships, and i am doing my best to work on them. i don't know how that is going to show up in situations i haven't been in, but i'm aware of it, and that is the best i can do for right now. as long as i remain aware of my downfalls i can combat them in situations when they flare up. the changes that have taken place in me are very hard to verbalize. i can do my best, but the only way to ever convince him of the changes i've made are to show him. thank you all for your replies!
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