Healing, but feeling guilty

[jaelynne52]

After a little over a month of torment for me, I finally made the decision to go NC with my ex. (It’s been 10 days now.) I tried to go NC before, but as soon as I told him I had made that decision he started to talk to me and actually open up, tell me about his insecurities and that he was unsure of his decision to break up with me, so I changed my decision in the hopes that maybe he would try to work with me on problems we had had before our break up, communication and how secure we were with each other. The weeks that followed though had him going straight back to being negative and defensive and not working with me, so I made up my mind to stick with my original plan, and told him again that I was going NC, and that I meant it this time

 

When I told him this, he once again started to talk to me, tell me how he felt. He’s been really good at avoiding his emotions this entire time. We dated for two years, and it was a very serious relationship, and when he broke up with me he told me that he still loved me, but he wasn’t sure that it was enough. I know that this has to be hard for him, and yet he says that it took him a week of sadness, and now he’s fine. I tried to get him to admit to me what he’s been feeling, because I know that was a problem we had while we were dating, that neither of us would open up because we were scared of what the other person would think or whether or not we would hurt each other with our feelings, and he says that he just doesn’t have any negative feelings, no anger or sadness or frustration, just nothing

 

I know that it’s possible he could really be over all of this that suddenly, but my gut instinct is that he’s not. He has a history of turning away from anything negative that he feels, and only dealing with it after the situation has been resolved without his intervention. He didn’t speak to his father for two years, then started talking to him again like there had never been a gap in history, and then a year after spending time with him again, he told his father that he forgave him for everything that had happened. By this time, his dad didn’t even know what he was talking about because the issue had been resolved for so long. I feel like he might be doing the same thing to me, to avoid having to deal with how upset he is. If nothing else, I know that I had to have frustrated him with my constant asking him to give us a second chance in the first couple of weeks of the break up, and yet he says he felt nothing.

 

Since going NC, I’ve been doing really well with keeping myself busy and trying to learn to be independent. I’m starting an art class, and I’ve been taking walks to think and relax and reflect on everything that has happened. I go out with my friends, and I’ve even begun to meet new people and try to branch out my social circle. I’m trying very hard to take this break up as the opportunity it is, to learn about myself, and grow.

 

My problem here is my concern for my ex. I know that he is no longer a part of my life, but I do hope for at least a reconciliation in the future. I still love him, and I want him to be happy and healthy. Before we even broke up, I had started to suspect that he was going through at least a mild form of depression. There had been some serious conflict between him and his mother, and he once again avoided the issue and tried to pretend that there wasn’t a problem, continuing to talk to his mom even though there was a rift between them. I could tell that it was taking a toll out of him, and he was slowly losing interest in his work, his hobbies, his friends, and he was starting to lose his sex drive. My original concern with the break up was that he was trying to use it as an excuse for why he was so unhappy, and I still think that. Since I have gone NC, I’ve had friends tell me what he has been up to, and while he isn’t exactly destructive, he does still seem to be avoiding any issues he has in his life.

 

I know that at this point there isn’t really anything I can do for him, but my heart aches to see him this way. Giving up on our relationship was hard, but it was a lot easier than giving up on our friendship. I feel as though I’ve abandoned him at his worst, and while I had no choice, he wasn’t willing to take my offer of help anyway, I still have a lot of guilt. I guess I’m just curious if anyone has any advice for a situation like this. I don’t want to set myself back by breaking NC, because I’m just starting to move on and get a hold of my heart again, but I still want him to know that I’m there for him when and if he ever needs me. I still hope that he’ll come to a point where he’ll be willing to talk to me.

 

Does it sound like there is any hope? Should I give up on our friendship for good, or do you think there is a chance of me being able to be friends again, once I’m completely over the break up? We were friends for 7 years before we even started dating. Is there a way to let him know I’m here for him without letting myself get hurt?

[Spinderella]

you sound really compassionate and lovely. i think perhaps you could just say that to him. just say that you are still healing from the break up, but that you really do hope that you can be friends in the future, and that you would never turn him away if he needed somebody to talk to.

i think thats all you can do.

i know its hard to see somebody you love being unhappy, but he really needs to come to some realisations of his own, even if its hard for him. just being there for somebody really is enough, you cant take the journey over for them. his life is his own journey.

sometimes if i feel that i cant help somebody personally, i will give them a book or something that has helped me, just to give them a little help to help themselves.

you dont have anything to feel guilty about though, you really dont.

[jaelynne52]

Thanks, Spin, for the advice. I've been kind of thinking of doing the exact thing you suggested, with the book. I've had a few that I've been turning to lately, and I really wish that he could appreciate them as well. I'm just worried that any genuine concern I express to him he's not going to take as genuine, because he's been so defensive and shut down from me. That's the hardest part of all of this right now, that I want to reach out to him, but I feel like he's built all these walls that he won't let me get behind. He's playing cool and tough to protect himself, I think.

 

I know I can't take his journey over for him, but it's so hard to watch him isolate himself. That's why I finally went NC, because he said that he wanted this breakup to improve himself which he didn't think he could do while dating me, and then now he has the time he was looking for and he's still stuck in the same rut, and it hurt so much to see him discard what we had together and then not even try to accomplish anything. In the mean time, I was hurting and it felt so pointless. But since then I've decided to just accept that he's where he is at for a reason. It just hurts to see him there.

 

I don't think I am ready just yet to contact him and let him know that I'm here for him. Any time I think of talking to him or seeing him I get a little panicky inside. I'm still very deeply in love with him, and I'm just now getting to the point where I can accept that it's over. I don't want to see him and fall back into the habit of hoping to make him see my point of view. I can't make him change his way of thinking or how he feels, and so I'm trying to get myself out of that mindset. I think that's why I feel so guilty, because while I want to be there for him, I know that I can't, not now. I have to think of myself.

 

ARGH, why do emotions have to be so complicated????

[Spinderella]

sometimes men can be like that cant they? its like when they feel really bad about themselves they have to act more like they got it all together. it makes it very frustrating.

i know that it might seem pointless from your perspective, but perhaps he just realised that he had to go through whatever he is going through now, and this is just the first stage of what he has to go through. do you know what i mean? sometimes sadness and acceptance of sorts is the first stage, and healing might not seem to be happening, but there is more going on internally than other people can see.

if you just give him a book as a gift and tell him you would like to be friends someday and that you just wanted to share something which you think is great, then i dont see that it could come off badly.

were you perhaps on some level hoping that he would get himself together so that you can be together again one day? i can understand that if its the case, it must be really hard.

[jaelynne52]

Yeah, I was and am still hoping that. I mean, I recognize that there are a lot of problems between us, just as far as communication goes, but I feel that they are all fixable with a little bit of work on both our ends. But he's currently not even up to the task of talking about problems, let alone working on them.

 

The first month after he broke up with me, we continued to talk sort of regularly, and he said he wanted to work on things with me, but when it came right down to confronting them, he would close off and become defensive. He even recognized this in himself, but he couldn't seem to stop it. I would ask him questions, just simple things like "What do you think about this problem?" and instead of telling me what he thought or even just saying I don't know, he'd get defensive and say "I can't give you what you want" or "It's just not going to work out." It's like he wants to try, but when it comes right down to it he's not emotionally able to.

 

I totally know what you mean about men trying to put on a brave face. I think my guy is very guilty of that. He doesn't know how to make himself vulnerable, even behind closed doors. It makes me sad...

 

So yeah. I'm hoping things will work out, because what we had was great, but I'm not counting on it. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst is my motto these days. Now that I've taken a step back from our relationship and taken a good hard look at myself and him, I see that there is a lot of work that each of us needs to do to be better people. So while I hope things will work out, I've prepared myself that it won't be any time soon.

 

If only I could stop the questions from circling in my head. I swear they are as bad as vultures!!

[Spinderella]

when was the last time you asked him if he was really sure about this?

if he has repeatedly said that he does not want to give it another go then unfortunately, even if you know its a mistake, you will have to accept it.

when he says that he cant give you what you want, do you think its that he feels bad in the relationship because he thinks that what he is giving is not good enough for you?

maybe he just needs reassurance that you will be the judge of what you want. i dont know hun, what do you think?

[jaelynne52]

We had a big long talk the night I told him I didn't want to see or hear from him for a while. He said then that he's sure this is the right decision for him, and that he doesn't see a relationship working out between us unless both of us do a lot of changing. Before that though, he had gone back and forth saying it was right, and he was unsure, and it was right, and he was unsure...

 

Even the night I told him I was going NC, he tried to talk me out of it. He said that we've made progress since our last talk (not with our relationship, but just with dealing with problems), and that we hadn't had a chance to REALLY talk since then. I told him I had tried to talk to him, but that he wouldn't open up to me, he wouldn't listen to me, he wouldn't share. He says that he's not angry at me and doesn't hold any resentment from our relationship, but then he exploded at me in the middle of a pretty calm conversation when I was telling him how I felt. (I meant to say "I think you are doing this" and instead I said "you are doing this". He took it VERY personally.) It's little things like that that makes me think he's holding a lot inside and not acknowledging it.

 

My biggest fear is his depression. You know how when you get depressed, you sort of disconnect from everything around you? You hurt so bad that you close yourself off from all emotion in order to avoid the bad, and so then you don't feel the good anymore either? He says that he loves me, but that he feels disconnected from me, spiritually. I tried to get him to explain that idea more to me, and he couldn't so that's all I've got. But that's what brought this all on, was that he feels separated from me somehow, even though he still loves me, and he's convinced that he'll never feel connected to me again.

 

I don't think he's concerned that what he can give me will be good enough. He knows that I'm happy with how our relationship works. I think he's more concerned that since he's so unhappy right now, that it was our relationship that was making him that way. And I don't know, maybe it was our relationship that made him so unhappy. The only thing that makes me so sure it wasn't was that he seemed so happy when he was with me, and would only get unhappy after he had been away and started thinking.

 

A lot of this all started with the argument he got in with his mother...that was when I first started seeing him becoming detached, and the argument was about our relationship (she didn't like me, but couldn't really give him a reason why.). He pretended that it didn't bother him that she didn't like me, kept talking to her and not addressing the problem, and you could see that it wore on him. He would come home from her house and be moody for days afterward. He avoided her phone calls, and spent more time with himself than with his family when he was there. We've talked about all of this before and after the breakup, and he says that it had nothing to do with his decision, but I feel that it did, subconsciously. It was too much pressure for him, and since he wouldn't confront her, it just kept building. He didn't feel that he could talk to me about it, because it involved me so much, so he kept it all inside unless I asked him directly to tell me what was going on.

 

Since he broke up with me, he's confronted his mom, and things seem to be a little better between them. He's only gone to see her once since though, so I don't really know.

 

He's a very confused individual right now, and I have a lot of sympathy for him. I almost wish that I could just stay angry at him, because it makes it easier to deal with the pain, but it's so easy for me to see all the pain he's going through. I want to help him so bad, but he won't let me, doesn't want my help, can't seem to accept it.

 

He seems deadset on going through this alone, so I've decided to let him be. Trying to talk to him, even just about how he felt, was only pushing him further and further away from me. I made sure that our last conversation ended on as good of a note as it could, and I plan on giving him time to do his own thing, whatever that may be. My own hurt is too much right now. I just wish I could find a way to be a friend to him without hurting myself so much.

[jaelynne52]

The saddest part of our last conversation was toward the end. He kept trying to point out the good we've gone through since we broke up, all the baby steps each of us has made, but even while pointing that out he still couldn't express himself. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with me right now, but it's like he doesn't want to let me go completely either. Our biggest problem is that both of us are always walking on eggshells trying to not hurt the other, and that was the biggest hurdle for me to jump after our break up, to let my walls down and tell him exactly how I feel, but I did it. I want him to be able to do the same, but he can't.

 

Anyway, I told him how I felt, cried a lot, said that I still have hope, even if he doesn't, but that I have to take care of myself first. Then I thought he finally understood that I wanted to move on without him for now, and he asks me "So what's the verdict?" like he was hoping I would change my mind and say I would keep talking to him, as his friend. I understand his hope, but it made me feel like such a traitor to have to say, I'm serious, I can't talk to you anymore, it's too hard. That broke my heart more than anything else.

[Chiquita27]

Is he seeking help from a professional about his depression though?

 

I'm asking because I'm also going through almost the same thing as you are. My ex suffers from depression and has stopped our relationship because he wants to work on his own problems before he tries to work on caring about someone else.

 

In my case I have done everything in my power to help him....and have now realized that nobody can help him but himself. He has gone to the hospital and put himself in therapy to work on his issues. He's on medication and sees his doctor every week.

 

It hurts that I can't be with him. But if I continue trying to be around when he has clearly told me that he can't work on a relationship with me it could only hurt me. At this point I think he's being selfish....but there is nothing I can do about it.

 

Sometimes I feel like his depression is only an excuse....but they are the only ones that know what's going on in their head. And the only thing we can do is worry and care about ourselves...because at this point..they are not willing to do it.

 

Good luck with your guy...I hope he gets better....and that you don't feel so guilty for being away from him.

[Spinderella]

i agree. i think you just have to have faith in him that he knows what he is doing. much as it might hurt. sometimes people really do know what is right for them even if it seems stupid to the rest of the world.

i think you have done all you can do, and you HAVE to look after yourself. its hard because you probably dont want to move on too much in case you get over him and its too late then, but that really is all you can do.

you have given him enough chances now.

if its meant to be it will happen, but youre not going to get anywhere by waiting around.

[jaelynne52]

Well, he won't really acknowledge that he's depressed. He acknowledges that he has all the symptoms, but he's been diagnosed as clinically depressed before and he says he feels differently this time than last time, so he doesn't feel that it could be actual depression. "It's just a thing he's going through."

 

I'm sorry to hear about your ex. Hopefully he can help himself and reach a point that he can reach out to you again. I'm still hoping for the same myself. I feel that the emotion is there, because he has told me it is, but he's incapable of extending it to me.

 

All I can do is take the time he's taking for himself, and do the same for me. It's hard, but it's all I've got right now.

 

Are you still talking to your ex, Chiquita? (By the way, I love your nickname. )

[jaelynne52]

Thank you so much for posting to me, Spin. You've had some good insight, and talking to you gets some of the pressure off my chest.

 

I am looking out for myself, I just wish I didn't feel so bad for it...

 

What about you? I read your post earlier, and it sounds like you are taking good care of yourself as well. If you want to share, I'd love to listen.

[Chiquita27]

Tee-hee thanx...I like my nickname too

 

No....I haven't spoken to him since last week......it saddens me because I feel like he doesn't miss me and here I am thinking about him so much. But if I were to contact him, it would only hurt me more.

 

So I'll just focus on myself and see what happens. I'm afraid i'm going to just move on and if he comes back it might be too late. Because once I get hurt I just block people...and I think I might just do that this time. I truly love him....but if he's not willing to be with me...I can't do much about it.

 

Who knows what will happen.....

 

So, if your boy has suffered from depression before....I suppose chances are he might relapse....and that's what's happening now....

[Spinderella]

thanks jaelynne, no probs. it is helping me to keep talking aswell.

as far as my situation, i know i need to let my emotions just do their thing till they settle somewhere before i do anything.

i really think he still has feelings for me, but i gotta worry about where i am coming from before i even think about where he is at.

its a whole different situation to yours, but the answers always the same for everyone no matter what to keep working on yourself.

[jaelynne52]

Yeah, I understand the feeling of being unmissed. He's trying so hard to distract himself that he's been keeping himself constantly busy, and so it's like life just moved on without me. I have to remind myself that I'm doing the same thing, so he might be thinking the same thoughts.

 

I've known my guy for years, and I didn't know about his prior depression until I started dating him. He was very good at hiding it. That's one of the reasons that I am so concerned now, because if I didn't recognize it before, and he doesn't want me to know now, it would be easy for him to pretend he isn't.

[jaelynne52]

I know the feeling of letting your emotions settle. I don't think I was able to successfully think past them until I separated myself from him. Even now, I'll have days where I'll just start thinking about our last conversation and I'll get choked up or angry or frustrated. But then I go for a walk or scribble in my journal, and it helps me focus better.

 

And this forum has done wonders for me!! Reading other people's stories really helps me put my own in perspective. And I love how supportive everyone is here. It's just great.