my girl just broke up with me,i feel guilty and very depressed

[bloodaye]

hi all,me and my ex Gf had been living together for about a yr and a half.Things were great for the first 7 or 8 months,then things started dwindilng.See i loved her to death,but she seemed to idolize me,telling me everyday more then once how "so in love she was with me".She would constantly say wierd things like " your never gonna lose me,your stuck with me for life",these things may sound quite normal to most,but when they are said so frquently throughout the day,it made me a little supicious,almost like she was trying too hard to convince me,it came to a point where i got sick of hearing it and it started to sound fake and phony.I loved her also,but i would let her know through actions and i would tell her i loved her but i didnt bombard her with it.She would also constantly buy me expensive gifts,which i told her were not necessary,cause i loved her for who she was,she said i deserved them.When she bought me things it would humble me,cause i couldnt afford to reciprocate it,and it would dwell in my brain,it almost seemed that she thought i was incapable of doing these things for myself.Another thing is she was extermely needy and touchy feely,i couldnt sit with her for more then 2 mins with out her groping me.We would sit at pubs together,and i would catch her just staring at me intensly,not saying anything,it wasnt just a glance and a smile,it was like she was staring through me,this wierded me out,it seemed creepy,cause there were no words or facial expressions,so it made me wonder what the heck she was thinking.She would also contantly ask me if i loved her,which i could never understand cause i did tell her often enough,or things like " do you love me? your not sick of me yet are you?" UGHHHHH!!! Because of all my doubt about her actions and words i became distant and unavialable,i didnt do as much with her,i didnt feel like having sex with her or being intimate as much,i actually started becoming very moody and inconsistant with my behaviour,i actually became very curse and impatient with her,it sickened me,cause deep down i knew she was being very loving and would do anything for me,i couldnt explain to myself or justify to her why i was becoming such a mean jerk,it was driving me crazy i felt so horribble,cause deep down i loved her so much.As a result of my behaviour she started going out with friends more,cause i wasnt "available",sooner then later she began coming home with guys phone numbers,i was sickened by this,she said it made her feel better about herself,i didnt believe it.Anyway to make a long story short,she ended up leaving me.I feel dead inside,ibegan to hit the bottle,im so depressed,for the first few weeks after she dumped me,i couldnt stop calling her and texting her,it drove her nuts and she finally kiccked me in the nuts by saying " ilove you,but im not in love with you anymore.We have tickets to a concert,she says she still wants to go with me,i dont get it,she wants nothing to do with me,but is still holding out to go to this concert with me,im lost.The main questions i have is,why did i begin to treat her like crap towards the end,when in retrospect she was being nothing short of a good loving girlfriend?Why did what she did for me and said to me bother me so much?Any guy would die for a girl like her,and i just became annoyed. my second question is,how can a girl be so infatuated with you and do and say such nice things,and at a drop of a hat say im notin love with you anymore?I am going through such a hard time,cause i picture her face and remember all the good times we had and how all she really wanted was for me to appreciate what she was saying and doing,and all i did was become a jerk and hurt her,the GUILT is overwhelming,she didnt deserve how i behaved and im starting to realize it now when its to late.Am i being to hard on myself was there a reason for my crappy behaviour?I feel horrible.Sorry for the long post,im not to good at this sort of thing. thnx

[Spinderella]

hi. it sounds like she was very insecure and that you felt insecure about your ability to make her feel secure too. it sounds like a big lack of real communication. sometimes when you have lost someone and you look back you can only see good things about them and blame yourself for not doing enough to keep hold of them.

this kind of happened to me recently too, and for a while i begun to think that i was really awful for pushing my ex away all the time. the truth is that there were reasons why i did. they may or may not have been valid reasons, i still cant say at this point, but there WERE reasons.

all you can do is what you think is right at the time. at the time that you were with her you felt her behaviour was odd, therefore you reacted to that. whether you were right or not, you reacted to something that you thought at the time.

i think you are probably still in the beginning stages of the breakup where you are seeing her in a really good light because you have lost her. really try to let all these feelings happen until the truth comes to you. dont try to overthink it, just let the answers come to you.

i dont know why she still wants to go with you, but if you ARE going to talk to her then you need to talk to her properly this time.

its hard i know. my ex said the same, that he no longer feels the same way. to me it was a shock because he never said anything except that he loved me until one day he said that. it seemed like he had just switched over night. the truth is that he had been trying to cut off for ages because of how i was being.

much as that is painful to think about, i have to realise that i was the way i was for a reason. perhaps the reason is something in me that needs fixing, or perhaps the reason is that i saw things in him that i was not happy with. the more i let my emotions settle, the more i see this as the truth. mostly, you react to things that you are unhappy with.

whatever it is, the answers are not going to come suddenly. but they will come, and then i either fix me or be glad that it is over.

either way i have to be glad, because its good either way.

someone said in my thread that if it is meant to be, then it will happen. you have to believe in this.

[bloodaye]

thanks for your reply,i was thinking the same,i must have acted like that for a reason,but i mean what more do i want?,yes she annoyed me,but are those valid reasons for gettingso upset?I feel like i really decieved her for making her think i was so great and that we would have a good life together and i feel devastated as to how i behaved with her at times,it wasnt called for no matter how i was feeling.As for the concert,i have texted her a couple times ( not groveling or anything,i already sent something similar and imnot doing it again)asking if we are still going cause not too long ago she said she still wanted to go with me<she hasnt responed to either text,i need to know so i can book a day off of work.if she wants to go why cant she just type a plain old yes,and if not say no,but i get no reply,why is that? Im not asking anyhting of her except that.just no response period.I simply dont get it.

[bloodaye]

i forgot to ask,and this is one thing that is driving me absolutly insane,its the thought of her with another guy,it makes me sick to my stomach picturing her being intimate with someone else while im sitting at home alone( i work evenings and get home around 2am which makes it suck even more)for some reason i cant get it outta my head,it bugs me that im thinking about it,esp while shes get turned on by some other guy and not even thinking twice about me.Its killin me.

[bloodaye]

hi sry for all the posts,but my ex just this very minute at 330am texted me this "luv u" what does this mean? I have been good with the NC rule lately,only texting to find out something,but no groveling,so im lost,she blatently said she loved me but wasnt in love with me and freaked out in the beginning when i kept calling and such,now all of a sudden she texts me this?

[Spinderella]

i think you need to have a good talk to her. if you really want to try again and make it work then be honest and open. forget about her with other guys, that will only drive you mad and impair your ability to speak rationally. if its happened its happened, but if you really want to make it work with her, you really should not question her about anything like that, and you should get it out of your head right now.

if you want to be with her now you will have to make an extra hard effort to make that happen, if you like, to make up for what happened before. getting jealous over what she has been doing whilst you were not together is no way to be a better boyfriend if you get the chance again.

she does sound like she is a bit confused, but that doesnt mean that she will be willing to jump back into a relationship with you. you would have to really be open with her, without rehashing everything over and over. you would have to say that you would like to try again, but you both have to really be sure thats what you want.

think about what you will say if she agrees to talk, but you need to ask her.

it sounds as though the communication problems are still there, from both of you.

[bloodaye]

what would be a good way to respond to that message she sent without soundign overly anxious and needy? I mean she hasnt responded to any of my texts at all,and i have been good with NC rule as of late,what should i say and when should i do it?

[Spinderella]

maybe, "do you want to talk?"

[Reactor]

Hmmm she sounds alot like my ex. At first she was the clingy one, always round mine, always saying how much she 'liked me'.

 

Then she decides to break up (I did find some of the stuff she was saying and doing beforehand quite strange tbh, but I let it slide). Unlike you and your ex we got back together and it all did a 180, I became the clingy and insecure one, needless to say she broke up with me claiming she couldn't 'Give me the love I needed". That was a while ago now and it still hurts me to think of her with other men, especially now thats she back to Uni, where no doubt she will meet a new guy. But I try to ignore those thoughts, they aren't healthy and to be honest if she can find solice in a new man then I'm happy for her, like I hope she'll be happy for me when I find a new partner.

 

I do think the threat of losing someone dear to you is hard to bare, very hard indeed. And due to all the problems I was going through at the time it was only inevitable it was to happen, I couldn't help myself.

 

What I'm saying to you is, that re-entering this relationship may cause the same thing to happen to you, I know it sounds strange, but from my limited experience when the man becomes the 'clingy' one, the woman is rarely interested in him anymore. So if you choose to go down the path or reconciliation, keep your feelings hidden as best as possible and have a proper chat with this girl, and tell her what you feel the problem is!

 

I look back now and realise what a fool I was, I put up with so much, was depressed and cried - all over a silly girl, that is not the way forward in life!

 

Best of luck!

Reactor

[Spinderella]

thats why its a good idea to talk ALOT and work out where you are both coming from before jumping back into it, or at least so that you can decide your differences are unresolvable.

[Reactor]

I agree Spinderella. Its very important you talk but don't let emotion get in the way and try not to be defeatist, what I mean by that is don't go into the conversation thinking 'Its over', go into it thinking nothing, that way whatever happens you're not disappointed.

 

But don't talk to much, I mean don't keep saying the same things over and over, it just worries you and makes you a mess - trust me I know. My ex and myself basically went in circles because no matter how hard I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong, she either wouldn't tell me or would say "You're repeating yourself!". Another favourite was "Its the little things". "Like what?" I would say and she would say "I don't know".

 

Don't do this, it just hurts you and them more and more. I think you just have to be kind of cold, only for this period and just turn emotion off as best you can!

 

Sometimes no matter how much you want them or they want you, it just won't work. As painful and upsetting as it is, one day you'll find someone who it will work with and this will all become a distant memory!

 

Good luck!

[Spinderella]

yes reactor i agree with you too. theres no point in talking about the past, just about a workable relationship in the future, and making sure its what you both want.

[bloodaye]

hi guys,well i did respond to her text by saying " it was nice to hear from you ,maybe we can talk sometime?" Guess what? NO RESPONSE again!! I feel like a sucker,she just wanted to c if i wuld reply and i did and shes content again,i have had it man.

[Spinderella]

i dont know, but your response is very different than a direct "do you want to talk" which says, 1>you contacted me, i am assuming you have a reason for it, and 2>i am willing to communicate with you to make this work.

 

still, it may be that she is just making sure youre still hanging around for her.

[bloodaye]

what was wrong with what i said,i mean in her eyes anyway?

[Spinderella]

dont worry about it. generally if someone is not happy in the relationship theres nothing you can do. if its resolvable things that both people are willing to work on, then thats a different story. the difference with contact and how you contact, the worst is it prolongs it for you, so you really need an answer. if she didnt reply, then thats probably answer enough. i know that if i still cared about someone and they sounded like they were scared of pushing me away, then it would probably melt my heart, so it really probably makes absolutely no difference, except that it could keep you stuck in the same place for abit longer.

it sounds as though you are getting sick of this though, so thats good.

[Spinderella]

hope you are feeling alright.

read this link, it might help you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130651/

[bloodaye]

that is agreat post,but i need to know one more thing,i noticed that after about 4 days of me not contacting her,thats when she all of a sudden texts me " luv u" why did she do this? and why "luv u?" why not hey how u doing or something like that? What was the point of that,i feel like an idiot for even responding to that regardless if i was groveling or not which i wasnt,butwhy cant she at least respond with a yes or no **** off! If she really doesnt want to talk,why doesnt she say so?Just say listen piss off i dun want anything to do with you,plain and simple,how hard is that?

[Spinderella]

it sounds as though you already had some insight into why, when you said she wanted to make sure you were still around.

my recent ex has done this to me a couple of times too. i think its kind of like a getting revenge thing on his part aswell. or maybe not getting revenge exactly but enjoying seeing you realising that you threw something good away when you took them for granted during the relationship. its only natural i suppose, but it doesnt help you when youre struggling to get over being dumped.

there will inevitably be some confusion on her part too, but it doesnt mean that deep down she believes in reconcilliation. even if you are the dumper you go through feelings of loss, and loneliness.

you are best off now just not contacting her and not replying to her contact. she no doubt will try again next time she is feeling a bit down. so you get the opportunity again to take a stand and not respond.

keep reading all the good threads guiding you through no contact. if she really contacts you to say she wants to talk, then you can think about things again. if she doesnt say she wants to talk or meet up or anything then do not respond at all. if she says she wants to, then you can think about that when the time comes.

take care.

[bloodaye]

hey i appreciate all ur input,but im still confused.If she wanted to c if i was still around,why not text "hey how are you" or something like that? Why an "I LUV U" text? I dont get it! And why is it when i responded casually i again got no reply all i texted back was " it was nice to hear from you,maybe we can talk sometime?" i dont think that sounds needy at all,far from it,so how does she decide to say I luv u,then go from that to ignoring me again? I just dont get that mentality,can anyone explain what her manner of thinking is,cause saying I luv u is a bit extreme,to just not say anything afterward,she culd have kept it a little less personal if u ask me.

[jdm2008315]

She's just trying to get a response out of you to make you squirm so to speak. She's enjoying the attention, and it strokes her ego. Whether she wants reconciliation is hard to say, she could be considering it but trying to make things more difficult for you or she could be just trying to string you along to boost her ego justifying her actions because you may have neglected her during the relationship. Nothing wrong with your response though. Since you have made your intentions clear that you wanted to get back together and since she cheated on you(?) I would follow Spinderalla's advice. You should also go out more and not make yourself so available giving her the impression that you are just sitting by yourself waiting for her call. There is no need to avoid her or anything like that, but just start going out more(don't get involved with anyone else though unless your threw with the relationship.) and just don't give her the impression that you will just put up with whatever she does because you can't live without her.

[Msblueyes]

My boyfriend, who I am having this kind of "talk" with has treated me similiar. I never understood why I was oh so devoted to him in every which way and yet, he used to be distant, disrespectfull, and no sex. We had a blow up over the weekend as he had propositioned two of my friends. I can't understand why that happened. Maybe I will this evening. We've been together over seven years as well as living together. He did mention last night that him gettin his own place might make the desire come alive. I don't know if that's an excuse so he can go and sow some wild oats. So many questions....

[Spinderella]

hey i appreciate all ur input,but im still confused.If she wanted to c if i was still around,why not text "hey how are you" or something like that? Why an "I LUV U" text? I dont get it! And why is it when i responded casually i again got no reply all i texted back was " it was nice to hear from you,maybe we can talk sometime?" i dont think that sounds needy at all,far from it,so how does she decide to say I luv u,then go from that to ignoring me again? I just dont get that mentality,can anyone explain what her manner of thinking is,cause saying I luv u is a bit extreme,to just not say anything afterward,she culd have kept it a little less personal if u ask me.

I think it sounds like she said it impulsively, then changed her mind. Its not fair, but people do it all the time. Thats why its better just to have nc when its got to this stage. You have given her a chance to talk to you, and she didnt take it. At least you gave it a chance. Sometimes I think its better in the long run with the moving on, at least you then dont start to wonder if the other person wanted to talk to you but you just cut them off.

Its almost definetly time to do nc. I know it hurts. You will get through it though.

[bloodaye]

yeah i thought that also,but do u think my casual response turned her off? I mean do you think she expected me to say " i love you to and miss you" or something on those lines? and cause of my response she felt silly saying what she did?

[bloodaye]

My boyfriend, who I am having this kind of "talk" with has treated me similiar. I never understood why I was oh so devoted to him in every which way and yet, he used to be distant, disrespectfull, and no sex. We had a blow up over the weekend as he had propositioned two of my friends. I can't understand why that happened. Maybe I will this evening. We've been together over seven years as well as living together. He did mention last night that him gettin his own place might make the desire come alive. I don't know if that's an excuse so he can go and sow some wild oats. So many questions....

 

 

hi,well we had the same idea,we lived together and she decided to move out with the idea of it getting better,but it actually made it worse,you know being apart,jealousy on both ends,i was suspicious about her decision to move out,so i was never at ease with it,and all the crap we had before just escalated.I admit insecurities on my part,but i had reason to b like that cosidering how she was behaving while still living with me.After she got her own place she became the distant one,its so confusing,im having an off day today