allegra1971 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Hi all, if anyone reading this has read my other posts they may remember that Fri - Sun is when I have hardly any contact with my MM. This is the first Friday in such a long time that I have felt anywhere near 'normal' and usually this is my worst day. Part of me is now relieved to have this 3-day break (apart from the odd mail) .......am I starting to get past/over him?? It seems that's the case.....and then I'll get a text from him from the office at 8am Monday morning and then I'll call him about 9am-ish and it starts again.....the wanting him and the missing him....etc. Not that I don't miss him on the weekends.....it just feels so much worse when I know he's available to talk to. It seems mad & I'm just rambling really but I want to get all this down and OUT of my head where it has to stay the rest of the time. The other day I stumbled across his username on another 'dating' site - I Googled him and there he was, he'd last logged-on there on 24th Dec. 2006......he was lonely on *Xmas Eve* and it made me feel SO SAD for him and all the emotions welled-up yet again. I know he's been looking for that certain something for so long and it seems that that's me.......yet if I was so special he's leave his W for me. I don't really expect replies to this, guys.....just wanted to ramble on to you because it makes me feel better, so thanks for reading!! xxx
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Don't feel sad for him. That is nothing but wasted emotion on a guy who has no need for it. He had a life and a half, you only had half and yet you feel sad for him. Don't. One day you'll re-read your post here and you'll wonder why you felt sad for a guy trolling for strange on Christmas Eve with his family probably in the other room. You'll feel sad for whichever girl was stupid enough to take him up on it. As for you, understand this: no new contacts = no new hurts It isn't that you weren't special enough for him to want to leave his W, its that he wasn't special enough to take the time or initiative to do what was right for his family, or what was right for you. am I starting to get past/over him?? Not even close. When the anger sets in, and any pity/sadness for him fades away, and you find yourself going out of your way to block any contact from him, and not contacting him - then you may be on your way... You aren't over him until you get to the point where you get an email from him, and you delete it unread with all the other spam and don't think twice about it. Its called indifference. You'll get there eventually.
Author allegra1971 Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 Thanks LB, I must admit I almost didn't read your post because I thought i was going to 'get it with both barrels' as they say. I especially appreciate this from you: "It isn't that you weren't special enough for him to want to leave his W, its that he wasn't special enough to take the time or initiative to do what was right for his family, or what was right for you." I know you're right. Thanks again.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Somehow you need to let him go and move on. He isn't providing you with anything good long term. Sure right in that particular moment he contacts you, you may feel good, but it isn't long lasting. Sadly, you are right, if he felt enough love for you to leave his wife, he would. He hasn't and that says alot. This will go on for as long as you allow it. You are filling in a need of his that is not being met at home by his wife, that's the bottomline and if you are okay with that, settling for so little, that is sad. Sorry, but you deserve better and more...You just aren't going to get it from him.
Author allegra1971 Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 I know, I know......everything I'm being told, by people here and by 2 other people in my life who are very special to me, is absolutely true and part of me knows it. I know I'm settling for scraps from his table, as it were......I must have very low self-esteem to let him use me like this and I'm hoping the day will come soon when I can log-on here and actually give some advice to someone going through the same thing. In the meantime, it helps enormously to be here.
Author allegra1971 Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 P.S. After a few weeks of not mentioning it, he's started hinting again that I show no sign of leaving my H. I've told him before that there's no way I can do it, at least not yet, for a number of reasons. It's so bloody ridiculous to say this but I'm so worried that HE will get fed-up with ME for not leaving my marriage!!! God i sound so pathetic but this is how I'm feeling right now.
Author allegra1971 Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 I'm back with another P.S. .... I think what I need is to find that worthwhile job that I'm after at the moment. I need to be occupied and not be 'there' for him all the time. I know I fill a hole in HIS life but his presence is doing the same for me......only I'm the one feeling hurt & alone for much of the time.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 ......I must have very low self-esteem to let him use me like this Yes, you do. This is YOUR LIFE, you're in charge, you're responsible and accountable for your actions. If you are unhappy with your marriage, your life and want to end this affair for good, seriously get some counselling and learn about you. Understand what it is about you that is making you choose to cheat on your husband. To allow yourself to be treated like crap by a MM who is a miserable person and is too lazy to change himself. If you want your life to change for the better, DO something about it. Yes, venting here and getting help is great - But only if you are willing to do the hard work it takes to fix things. Who CARES if he gets fed up. Let him get fed up...I mean, what if you left your husband, and then he decided to stay in his marriage. Would you be okay with that? You'd be on your own, alone and starting over. If this guy wasn't in your life, would you still be having thoughts of leaving your husband, or would you be trying to save the marriage, going to counselling with your husband? You need to do some soul searching and be honest with yourself.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I'm back with another P.S. .... I think what I need is to find that worthwhile job that I'm after at the moment. I need to be occupied and not be 'there' for him all the time. I know I fill a hole in HIS life but his presence is doing the same for me......only I'm the one feeling hurt & alone for much of the time. This must be mentally and physically exhausting on you. Finding a job to keep you busy isn't going to solve the main issue here in your life. It will only control the 'thoughts' for so long. Does your husband know that you're having an affair? Don't you think HE deserves a choice in whether or not he wants to stay married to you? If you are so unhappy in your marriage, end it as it's not fair to have two men, one who is married and is just (sorry to say this) using you for what he can get, and the other, your husband who deserves ALL your love and energy not someone who is splitting themselves in two to be with another man.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Work on that job thing. Rebuild your own sense of personal confidence, and get your feet under you, get a good counselor who can help you sort through your stuff. Find out what got you in this place you are in. I re-read the last thread you had, and I still think you need to consider divorcing your husband if you do not love him or want to rebuild things with him. There is no reason to trap him in a marriage you don't want anymore, regardless of why you 'have' to stay married.
Author allegra1971 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I know you're both right on many things. I've been thinking and thinking so bloody hard about this - sometimes I can think of nothing else and I let other things slide. I realise that one reason I should leave my husband is to give him a chance to find someone who'll love him for who he is. I do know that. Many times in the past he's told me that if he ever lost me - for whatever reason - that he would never re-marry. I always tell him "never say never". In fact I do want him to be happy, he deserves it.
CAT100 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I've told him before that there's no way I can do it, at least not yet, for a number of reasons. Do you have children- is this why you are reluctant to leave?
Author allegra1971 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 No, there are no children, we were unable to have them - and now I thank my lucky stars for that fact....
CAT100 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Ok, so if you did split at least you wouldnt have kids to worry about. Does your H have any idea about the affair? How is your relationship with your H- do you think you could work things out or do you feel that the relationship has 'run its course' so to speak?
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