realtorinturmoil Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I am so glad to have found this website. I am in need of opinions of all kinds. Here is the summary: Married 13 years, 3 kids, 2 dogs, great house, husband has good job as executive. We don't fight. However I don't think I'm in love with him and not sure I ever was. Was young and the idea of "marriage" was so exciting. He has provided for me, always put my needs first and tried to give me all I've asked for. Funny thing is, turning 40 has opened my eyes to the fact that all this material crap (nice car, gorgeous house, and other stuff) doesn't mean ANYTHING. I would rather live in a modest house with someone I love. We agree that our marriage has struggled over the years for a variety of reasons. 1. Sexual - he is overweight and even though I dont admit it, it is a bit of a turn off. Also - he is into guys. He chats on line at nite when I go to bed with them and watches them on the web cam and also has experimented with guys (with me present, as I was trying to be supportive) but this really isn't an interest of mine. Not that I don't like to have fun, but this whole "bi" thing isn't for me. He says he'll stop if I ask him to, but at this point I don't care. 2. Financial - we have overextended ourselves to the point that even though we live in a million dollar house, we struggle paycheck to paycheck. He claims he has done this all for me. But I would have appreciated someone with a backbone. He says he doesn't have the energy to fight me, its easier to just give in. That is it in a nutshell. I am sick about this and to make matters worse..... I sold a house to someone who is a divorced dad and we went out for drinks after the settlement and he kissed me. Well one thing led to another and for the past 4 months we've been meeting at least once a week and have had sex several times. I am crazy about him which makes my head even more crazy. Our kids know eachother and like eachother and my husband used to work with this individual, so they even know eachother. How F'd up is that? Also- my husband is a wonderful father and we make a great parenting team. No problems there, kids think we're completely happy. We go out to dinner at least once a week for date nite and really try, but at least for me, there's really not anything there. How much should I expect from marriage or is this what it is? From the outside, I don't have it so bad. My friends are jealous and think my hubby is the best. I feel guilty because I am not as enamored and throw in this guy who i really hit it off with on multiple levels, not just sexual, I am in a real state of craziness. Thanks for letting me vent.
Lyssa Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I have a question - do you think the divorced dad had opened your eyes towards how you feel about your husband/marriage?
Author realtorinturmoil Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 It certainly brought it to the forefront of my thoughts, but really, it has been there for awhile. This is why I am so confused. Do I talk to my husband about this? We've already had a heart to heart on our 13th anniversary last month. Admitting we were in a really crappy place, the worst in 13 years and how to move forward. I think neither of us much likes the idea of divorce because of the kids, division of assets, etc... but also the flip side is why live with resentment (he has towards me) and just indifference. I guess many people do. I just want more.
Lyssa Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 RIT, I am putting myself in your position - at least I am trying to... If I were you, I would talk to my H. I would tell him every single thing that is on my mind. I am not the one to hold back anything. I don't believe that helps a relationship at all. I was never like this and I thank my current BF for this change in me. I didn't it was so important to be open with one another. Now if you lay out the cards on the table, you might want to prepare yourself for the outcome. It could be what you want or the opposite. You say that neither of you like the idea of divorce because of the kids etc but if you want more, isn't that the only answer?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I think a divorce would be beneficial to all involved. You and he sound like you will remain close, even though you don't function as 'husband and wife' - it sounds like you are more family to each other now than you are (or ever were) lovers. A piece of paper saying 'divorced' doesn't have to break you and your husband up as a parenting team. You don't even have to be living together to continue being a parenting team. Agree to split, and talk to your children - I can guarantee you they would rather be going between two happy households rather than living in one unhappy one. You and he would probably be much better off selling that house of yours, downgrading any luxury cars you have down to more economy type ones and getting yourselves set up in separate and more modest but comfortable arrangements. Then, work together to decide on what you want to do in terms of custody and belongings before you go to a lawyer. Go to a lawyer together with your proposal, work it out and make it legal.
Author realtorinturmoil Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 You are correct that there would be no anger, we care about eachother and our kids enough to not get petty or stupid. I just don't know if a divorce is the answer. Do you think counseling would help? Can someone who is "interested in guys" stop? I am so scared. Husband comes back from a business trip tonite and we're supposed to go out tomorrow night to catch up. Not sure I'm ready to lay this all out.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 1. You are correct that there would be no anger, we care about eachother and our kids enough to not get petty or stupid. 2. I just don't know if a divorce is the answer. Do you think counseling would help? 3. Can someone who is "interested in guys" stop? 4. I am so scared. 5. Husband comes back from a business trip tonite and we're supposed to go out tomorrow night to catch up. Not sure I'm ready to lay this all out. 1. I am going through a similar divorce. StbxH and I still love each other as family, even if the 'husband and wife' part of it didn't work out. We see each other every day, and spend several days a week with our daughter doing 'family type' stuff. Very friendly - its just like spending time with any other close relative I guess. I can't imagine him not in my life. I just can't picture us married, having sex, etc. That part is over. 2. Perhaps you could put divorce on the back burner for a while and try out separation instead. StbxH and I are living separately, but not divorced yet - in my state you have to wait a year and a day after you are living separately before you can file. That is enough time to get used to living apart, without the shock of signing the divorce papers so soon. In your case counseling may help the two of you accept your marriage under different parameters than the ones under which you got married in the first place - but would either of you be happy being married in that way? 3. They can stop the actions, but not the desire. Your husband sounds like he is more on the 'gay' end of the bi continuum. Plenty of gay men marry and have children. They end up either divorced, or living a gay life within a celibate hetero marriage. Could you live that way? Can he? It sounds like you are staying married because you care for each other and want to have max time for your children, but I see other motivations as well: you stay for the status quo, and he stays because he would rather discreetly face his homosexuality from the safety and security of a 'society approved' marriage. If you and he can learn to accept that from each other and restructure your marriage accordingly, and work through that in counseling, then I think you can cohabit well for the rest of your time together. But... any physical or emotional romantic love you find will have to be found in the form of discreet affairs, and there can never be a 'happily ever after' there. Not really, anyway. Are you sure you want that? 4. Understandably! You have a lot invested. 5. It is never easy to initiate a talk like that. I would make sure you know what you want first, and then go from there. I wouldn't bring up OM just yet. There is no need to throw any distractions in there. You and he have plenty of reasons to talk separation as it is. You can still have your H in your life if you are separated or divorced. I think you may be like I was before stbxH and I split - we were scared that the other was going to disappear and even through us finding other people to date and spend time with, we always have time for each other. Always. I hope it can work out amicably for you and your H. It sounds like there is enough there to work with at any rate.
Author realtorinturmoil Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 Thanks for your support. It is such a HUGE decision and I don't want it to be clouded by my involvement with Divorced Dad. Logistically, a separation is just so overwhelming, but I suppose inevitable. I was always brought up that marriage is work and anything can be worked through. My parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary and I have no idea how they would take the news. They love my H like their own. Am I being selfish? I know plenty of people stick it out for the sake of the kids and I'm not miserable or being beaten or anything. I just think we could both find people who we are way more compatible with. He was only 19 when we started dating. A lot changes.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Is it possible for you each to keep it discreet of course, but having an open marriage?
Author realtorinturmoil Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 I was thinking that, but then it doesn't lend itself to me ever really building a life of love and respect with someone, which is ultimately what I'd like to do. I do believe that people find someone amazing to spend their life with, and maybe going through all this will make me appreciate that person when and if I am lucky enough to find them. Thanks for your comments.
notspiritual Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 great house, husband has good job as executive. We don't fight. However I don't think I'm in love with him and not sure I ever was. Was young and the idea of "marriage" was so exciting. He has provided for me, always put my needs first and tried to give me all I've asked for. Funny thing is, turning 40 has opened my eyes to the fact that all this material crap (nice car, gorgeous house, and other stuff) doesn't mean ANYTHING. I would rather live in a modest house with someone I love. Men should read this and understand that no matter how much money you make to spoil and cherish a woman. It does not matter. She may enjoy your material goods for 20 years and then ill spoke it as crap. All your work and sacrifice to cherish her will be labeled as crap when she is done with you. By the way, I am not blaming women for this, they do what they have to do. I am just saying be careful the woman you choose to marry!
Gunny376 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Men should read this and understand that no matter how much money you make to spoil and cherish a woman. It does not matter. She may enjoy your material goods for 20 years and then ill spoke it as crap. All your work and sacrifice to cherish her will be labeled as crap when she is done with you. By the way, I am not blaming women for this, they do what they have to do. I am just saying be careful the woman you choose to marry! No doubt NS, the person one choices to marry has the potentinal to be one's single greatest source of happiness & joy or misery in life. People change and evolve over the course of thier lifes ~ men and women. There are plenty of high paying excuatives that chunk it all to go "find themselves" raising goats in Montana? Go figure?
sumdude Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Men should read this and understand that no matter how much money you make to spoil and cherish a woman. It does not matter. She may enjoy your material goods for 20 years and then ill spoke it as crap. All your work and sacrifice to cherish her will be labeled as crap when she is done with you. By the way, I am not blaming women for this, they do what they have to do. I am just saying be careful the woman you choose to marry! True, in the end there's just no way to EVER know how a person may change or evolve/devolve over time. Sometimes the change is so sudden. I came home from a two week business trip to almost a stranger. At some point there's a leap of faith.
Author realtorinturmoil Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 I believe H will feel as you said, he loved and cherished me for years and will not understand why this "isn't what I want" after all this time I thought it was. He will feel like a doormat and I guess he was, but at the same time, he let himself be one. I would respect him more if he could say "no" and be his own person. I guess I'm just slow or something. In your opinion, I guess I am a selfish immature woman who has no regard for anyone but herself. That's fine, everyone is entitled to their opinion. However, what about the "bisexual" stuff and chatting with guys after I'm asleep and him getting a lap dance in Toronto by a guy when on a business trip? In some gay club. Don't you think that I have anything to worry about? Not that it excuses what I'm doing now.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Reading your posts , to me you sound very self centered and very selfish and self-absorbed. You only care about your happiness. Nothing else matters. What you have isnt a marriage it is one great lie! He's out possibly cheating and you are and it seems like you just dont care. Why dont you just tell him, I'm having an affair. I know you are too, I know your not happy and neither am I. Let's seperate with the intention to divorce. Why be a fraud? This OM and this other life you dream of will not come to fruition. Your kids will not wholeheartedly accept it and when they have kids expect them to not visit you. Your family wont accept it because while your blaming your husband for his affairs, your engaging in one as we speak. Nice way to be a role model for your children mom! Right now your in this affair fog and as long as things stay light and free it's okay but let you come down with a bad outbreak of herpes, then what will you say to the OM? I thought you loved me?!?! lol. your a freaking joke! Have you even been tested for any STD's? Good god, your making a mockery of a marriage, if you arent so happy why dont you just leave?!?!
Ladyjane14 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 ...what about the "bisexual" stuff and chatting with guys after I'm asleep and him getting a lap dance in Toronto by a guy when on a business trip? In some gay club. Don't you think that I have anything to worry about? Not that it excuses what I'm doing now. Apparently, that wasn't a big enough issue to end the marriage until AFTER you began an extramarital affair... which would indicate that the affair is your impetus for wanting a divorce rather than the bisexuality of your mate. You chose to 'sign off' on his bad behavior for years, and NOW it's suddenly a problem? It's just not credible. Personally, I think if your partner is gay.. that's a plenty good excuse all by itself to end a marriage. But given the fact that you haven't dealt with it before now as a deal-breaking problem... I'm not buying that it's the REAL REASON in your case. I think it's more likely that you're wanting out so you can be with the OM. My advice to you... go to your husband and lay your cards on the table. Then, work it out from there. Salvaging some kind of "friendship" out of this thing is going to be nearly impossible if he catches you lying. The marriage needs fair resolution. After 13 years and 3 children, you owe that to each other.
PWSX3 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I agree with LadyJane, you are using him being guy for an excuse for you to go out & find something on the side for yourself. What he is doing isn't right but you going out & doing something wrong won't make it even. I feel since you have gone along with some of what your H has been doing that he thinks you are O.K. with it & that it is fine. You need to make it clear to him that you don't like him playing with the boys & I also think MC would be a good thing. A MC can help you start putting back some boundaries into the relationship & then if things don't work out try a separation or divorce... Need to work out your problems with the marriage first.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I'm not sure if any amount of counseling will change the fact that her husband is gay. Maybe he is bi? Dunno. Being married and having children is not an indicator that he is not gay. Just that he married and had children. Maybe he did that out of denial because he was closeted? Maybe he wanted a family? Maybe he saw a peaceful coexistence there? Gay men aren't automatically allergic to the idea of procreation in order to have children. I'm more inclined to think that if he is bisexual, then he is way over onto the gay side of the continuum. Can a hetero woman remain in a marriage with a gay man? Perhaps, but I'm not sure how fulfilling it would be in the long run for either one. It might solve a lot of financial things, sticky societal concerns, and the need for each of them to have a comforting family situation... but is it enough? Only they can answer that question. I do think that the first thing that needs to happen is that the husband needs to come to terms with his homosexuality before any progress can be made.
Gunny376 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Apparently, that wasn't a big enough issue to end the marriage until AFTER you began an extramarital affair... which would indicate that the affair is your impetus for wanting a divorce rather than the bisexuality of your mate. You chose to 'sign off' on his bad behavior for years, and NOW it's suddenly a problem? It's just not credible. Personally, I think if your partner is gay.. that's a plenty good excuse all by itself to end a marriage. But given the fact that you haven't dealt with it before now as a deal-breaking problem... I'm not buying that it's the REAL REASON in your case. I think it's more likely that you're wanting out so you can be with the OM. My advice to you... go to your husband and lay your cards on the table. Then, work it out from there. Salvaging some kind of "friendship" out of this thing is going to be nearly impossible if he catches you lying. The marriage needs fair resolution. After 13 years and 3 children, you owe that to each other. Bingo! LJ and Perry (PWSX3) hit the nail on the head! You should 1. Break it off with the OM 2. Deal with the issues of your marriage 3. Give yourself some "recovery" time (Regardless of how or what you decide to do with the marriage) 4. Get into some IC and MC 5. Live independent of either party should you and your husband decide to go your separate ways. 6. Learn to live your life with integrity! Your husband may be gay? Maybe Bi ~ but damnit at least he has enough integrity to own up to it, and to be honest about it ~ and that's more than your doing! Me? I know I'm a "butch" lesbian trapped in a man's body!
Ladyjane14 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Me? I know I'm a "butch" lesbian trapped in a man's body! I always tell my Sweetie that in the next life... he gets to be the girl. He just laughs and says "No way... but if I have to, I'm definitely gonna be a lesbian".
MyAbusa Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 RIT... Check out this link http://womensinfidelity.com/ You appear to be firmly planted in stage 3. I guess on a positive note your impending divorce is right on track with 70% of the other divorces in this nation (according to the fore mentioned site that is).
Gunny376 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I always tell my Sweetie that in the next life... he gets to be the girl. He just laughs and says "No way... but if I have to, I'm definitely gonna be a lesbian". Gonna Be A Bear "In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that! Before you hibernate, you're suppose to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too! When you're a girl bear, you brith your children (who by the way are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that! If you're a mama bear everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line you swat them too! I could deal with that. If your a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat! Yup, gonna be a bear!" Author unknown, orginally printed in Dixie Living magazine, Banks Alabama
Author realtorinturmoil Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 MyAbusa - thanks for the link to that website. I would agree I am firmly planted in stage 3 as you suggested. H came home from a business trip Friday and we had a serious heart to heart, both agreeing we are not "in love" but love each other as "friends" and would like to stay together as we don't fight or hate eachother - and we adore our children and wouldn't want to shatter their world. In addition, are looking into alleviating our financial stresses by thinking about selling the house. I think the financial stresses have a tremendous impact on our ability to be happy right now. We made love twice since he's been home and I realize this affair was stupid and immature of me. I do like the OM a lot, but need to end things. I hope to be able to work things through over the next year or so. Do I owe it to H to tell him about affair or would that be just "too much" right now? We've both decided to try things together. I don't want to hurt him by telling him but also don't want to remain dishonest. Sorry for rambling.
PWSX3 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 MyAbusa - thanks for the link to that website. I would agree I am firmly planted in stage 3 as you suggested. H came home from a business trip Friday and we had a serious heart to heart, both agreeing we are not "in love" but love each other as "friends" and would like to stay together as we don't fight or hate eachother - and we adore our children and wouldn't want to shatter their world. In addition, are looking into alleviating our financial stresses by thinking about selling the house.I think the financial stresses have a tremendous impact on our ability to be happy right now. If your house is as expensive as you say it is I would think it is also a "big" house, which to me would also mean you spend a lot of time keeping it clean & maintaining it? I would think having a smaller house would give you extra time to do other things with your H & family, which would also be beneficial for your relationship. Getting out of debt is a good thing no matter what happens. We made love twice since he's been home and I realize this affair was stupid and immature of me. I do like the OM a lot, but need to end things. I hope to be able to work things through over the next year or so. Do I owe it to H to tell him about affair or would that be just "too much" right now? We've both decided to try things together. I don't want to hurt him by telling him but also don't want to remain dishonest. Sorry for rambling. I don't know if now is a good time to tell the H or not, hopefully someone will be able to help you better then me, but I do believe it will need to come out sometime so you will be happy with yourself. It will be something that will bug you forever if you don't address it at some time. I also feel that you will need to address his situation with looking at other guys, to me that is cheating just as much as if it is with a woman so you will have to decide if that is O.K. with you or that is a boundary that has been crossed and that is where I feel a MC might help out. Not seeing the other guy is also a must, just like I heard on the radio the other day, having a relationship with just two people is hard enough, why would someone want to make it hard with more then two? Just remember the talking part is the first step, then after that is when the hard work really begins.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I think your on the right track. Really cutting to the quick will show you both where you stand in your marriage. I hope everything works out for you. I think you should fully disclose to your husband and be honest. Why lie about things that you've been doing. It's only gonna be more painful if he finds out later.
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