H0ney Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 So I did something bad and for the first time in our nearly year long relationship, I snooped in my boyfriend's email. It started because I had found some old notes from him to girls, and the curiosity got the best of me. (by the way he had told me the password weeks ago) I feel I have been lied to on 2 different things: 1) when we first started dating he said his friend had wanted to trade naked pics of their girlfriends (meaning me and some other girl) and my boyfriend told me he completely refused to do so- I believed him. I FOUND a naked picture of this girl in his inbox, but couldnt find evidence of him sending a naughty pic of me-- though he could have sent it via aim or some other way. WHat do I make of this? What if I ask him if he had sent one of me, and he says yes... what do I do?? 2) In the beginning of our relationship we made it clear that either of us shouldn't have videos/pics/emails etc from our exes. I am already very insecure about his ex as they dated for 2 years. I FOUND a 15 sec video of this girl giving MY boyfriend oral sex. Granted, it was a long time ago- he should have not kept it, and LIED about keeping it. I also found numerous emails from her/to her from years ago!! -Rediculous dont you think!! I am so hurt, but most of all angry. I apologized to him as it is MY fault for finding it-- but it never should have been there. He is angry at me telling me "F*ck you." I don't really know where we stand right now-- should I break up with him? I'm so hurt and confused-- someone please help!
IrishCarBomb Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Why would he give you the password if it would prove him a liar? Sounds like you're overreacting. Has jealousy been a problem for you?
shoesies05 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 wow- i dunno what to say. i cant believe he said that to you- and u shouldnt have snooped- but i think we've all done it at least with someone at some time in our lives. maybe hes still attatched to her and keeps that tuff cuz its too hard to let go? i dont know what to say about this- but if u stay with him, he deff. needs to get rid of all the dirty vids/pics of her or any other girl on there. emails- later...
birdie Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 it is unfortunate that you found that video but it's easy to have stuff left on a computer by accident. he gave you his password which I think was really generous of him, I'd personally never do such a thing. I do think you are over-reacting, stop obsessing over his ex
Cobra_X30 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 1) but couldnt find evidence of him sending a naughty pic of me-- though he could have sent it via aim or some other way. WHat do I make of this? What if I ask him if he had sent one of me, and he says yes... what do I do?? If you work for Disney... I would be very worried about this! Seriously... He trusted you with his password. Now your busting his chops about crap you found??? Guess what... you just violated his trust in a very tangible way. If I tell you something personal about me... and then you try to use that against me later. No way! You have trust issues? Fine, I understand that. Focus on whats going on right here, right now! If he still has an email from 4 years ago... well thats 4 years ago!
Lyssa Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Oh snooping around is always a NO-NO! See where it got you? Curiosity killed the cat! He gave you his PW out of his own effort - that only means he trusted you not to snoop around behind his back. Or am I wrong? My BF thought it was bogus of me to have all 86 emails of my ex's in my inbox. Those emails were sent by my ex when I was with him in 2002 - 2004. I kept it (I have deleted them all after I got over my ex) because it was nostalgic to me. It reminded me of one love that I had and thought was THE ONE but it turned out otherwise. It was just a reminder for me. Could be the same with your BF - I don't know. You should talk to him and tell him that you are insecure about the naked pic - you still don't know if he sent one of yours or not, right? - and also his ex. Talk to him if you feel your r/ship with him is worth saving.
Krytie TV Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 All I can think about is that it sounds like your bf has a thing for pics and videos of gfs. If I were you, I would not be a party to naked pictures and filmed sex acts. You have no evidence that he sent a pic of you. How badly do you want to create an issue where one isn't? Really, if this is the worst of your relationship, you guys are fine. But if you want to badly enough, you'll find a way to sabotage it.
zsunnydayz Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 There are a few things going on here: 1. You snooped, which indicates a lack of trust. I don't know why we let our curiosity get the best of us, but we do, and we know it. You probably weren't looking for trouble, but ended up finding it, and now it hurts. I don't think he was wrong for getting upset with you, and it's very good that you apologized. 2. You found a naked picture of some random girl in his email. You found a nude picture of his friends girlfriend. If it was just some random picture of a porn star would you really care? You have to face it, guys watch porn. I'm not saying that there aren't any men out there who don't, but if there are, then it is very few. If I were you, I would be more mad at the fact that he is even excepting pictures of some woman who could be totally clueless as to her picture being spread across the net. It's not right...So here is where I think you may have an issue. I also think you should confront him about the nude picture, because his actions were wrong..He shouldn't have accepted the picture period. Chances are since he has that picture, he may have sent one to his buddy. There's really no way of telling. I would be cautious of this man though, because you have only known him for a year, and now that you found out he likes to share nude pictures over the net, you should be be worried about your privacy. How do you know he hasn't taken hidden footage of you before? Just throwing some issues out there. You should really be concerned. 3. You found a video of someone else sucking his junk, and now you are hurt. Again, BIG RED FLAG! How do you know he isn't one of those perverts who captures movies of exes only to post them on the internet..It's disgusting and immoral of people who do this, but there are sick bastards out there. Please do yourself a favor and snoop some more...You might find more than you think. For the first issue
Spinderella Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 i agree. he has a right to be angry that you snooped but you did say sorry. people have snooped on me before and it made me lose a little respect for them, but they were sorry and i felt too bad for them to go crazy at them. he seems to be going a bit crazy over this, which might indicate he is feeling guilty. what he feels guilty about though you really dont know. youve kind of put yourself in a position where you cant really demand him to be honest with you. i think that accepting a naked picture of someones girlfriend knowing that they probably dont know about it is pretty bad. i also happen to think its kind of disrespectful to a person to keep videos of them long afterwards, even if they agreed to make the video. maybe some people see it as just like keeping letters or presents so this is purely my personal opinion. what was it that made you snoop in the first place? were you feeling some gut feelings of mistrust?
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Everyone has a past and it's obvious you're threatened by his. Was this your idea or HIS idea to get rid of ANY evidence of previous relationships with other people? Honestly, I think that's pretty silly because HE is who he is because of his past relationships. Aside from your snooping, IS your relationship with him good? Does he love you, treat you well, respect you? How old are these photos and video? Not recent, right?
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I would find it alarming that he doesn't want to part with past sex videos with this girl, nor part with ancient email correspondence. Also, the immense anger he imposed on you implies that he IS guilty of something. This is the common initial instinctual reaction when caught: to go on the offense and make YOU look like the bad guy. I think he should apologize, but I'm guessing he's going to make you feel that what he did wasn't wrong.
Author H0ney Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Thanks to all who replied! So that night I went to bed without calling him, and put my phone on silent. At 7am I woke up and checked my phone-- I had 3 texts and 2 missed calls from him saying how aweful he felt, how he was sorry, and he didn't want to lose me over this... yadda yadda yadda. I called him back and we talked about it a little. He came over and I asked him, "Could you please show me that the video & picture are gone?" And he responded coldly, "You know the password look for yourself. I'm not going to be like a little kid and have to show you." This thoroughly pissed me off because I wanted HIM to put my mind at ease. So just a minute ago I took another look and yup- they're definitly still there, this time in the trash folder though. However, with this email account trash does not delete itself everyday or every 5 days-- it stays there until YOU empty it. He knows this too. So I'm so confused as to why he wouldnt have deleted it and emptied it. So I really need to know- SHould I ask him why they're still there? And do I have a right to empty the trash folder and get rid of them myself? I'm hurting so bad right now- I feel like he doesn't even care and it's sort of hard to look at him the same. I feel betrayed and like a fool because he lied to me. And everythign before this was so good... ugh.
Author H0ney Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 This video he emailed to himself last year- a month before we started dating. I think it was from a longer time ago... but either way, he was hanging onto it and I don't know why. We are a year into our relationship he shouldn't need that stuff anymore. It makes me want to puke. and it just hurts because I don't keep shi*t like that laying around.
Author H0ney Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Also- one more thing, I feel like I need to talk about this more with him but everytime I mention something about it I get a "oh my god" and an eyeroll. I feel like he doesn't realize how bad it hurts seeing something like that and it's going to take longer than a day to forget about it. I just wish he would be more willing to talk.
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 It makes me want to puke. and it just hurts because I don't keep shi*t like that laying around. He doesn't either..give him the credit...they were in his private email account and you guys are only BF-GF.. not married. You broke into his private email.. This is what happens when you break that trust.. Unless you are married then you shouldn't have access to his email.. He deleted them knowing you would check..what more do you want ? If he really wanted to do something behind your back he could've used any number of free email services..
DOA Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Gotta disagree with most, I think your bf is being way harsh on you. Who tells their gf to just f*** off instead of trying to understand why she felt the need to do that? And now that you are trying to make amends and talk about it, he doesn't even wanna listen to you. Lovely.
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Who tells their gf to just f*** off instead of trying to understand why she felt the need to do that? You got a point DOA.. I guess maybe the reality is the relationship is doomed.. him with his using the F word towards her showing her disrespect and with her snooping in his email and breaking into it showing him disrespect.. There is no reason to snoop in anyones email.... unless they have cheated in the past.. and even then I believe the couple should be married and not BF-GF..
uniqueone Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I think it's making him feel too whipped. He's being told what he can and can't do like he's a little kid and she's his mother and that's getting him pissed off. On the other hand, I can see why this would upset her. But she's taking it personally when that's not how he--as a guy--is looking at it. He's thinking it's a cool video and a turn on just like any other bit of porn. He's probably not thinking he wishes he was with his old GF. And he probably doesn't even look at it or hasn't in awhile...but he wants to keep it because it's a memory and it was an exciting one for him. He didn't handle it well though because he didn't reassure her how much he loved and cared about her and how it means nothing to him but a memory. Instead he got angry and took things out on her. Sure, he could go ahead and delete it but is she ever going to believe him again? No, she's going to be hypervigilant now for any signs and that's going to quickly destroy things. A friend and I were talking about how married couples have sometimes hired a person to check their husbands or wives computers for signs of cheating, lying, or any other type of dishonesty. My belief is that if you are doing the checking....then it's already over anyway........
Izzy B Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 He is a total weirdo, drop him like a hot potato. AND for future reference, never let a man take a naked picture of you and certainly don't put it on email, the internet, ANYTHING, that's stupid.
AriaIncognito Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Just because an ex still has pictures of any nature still on their computer of someone doesn't mean they aren't over them. I'd bet if I searched my computer right now I'd find evidence of conversations, pictures, etc from my 3 most recent exes (dating back to 2000). I am in no way in love with 2 of them and the 3rd is the one I'm getting over now. If this ex of his is recent, then maybe I understand your insecurity, but again, I reiterate, that having things is not indicative of wanting someone. Snooping will create a lack of trust in the relationship, which in my opinion, means it's ultimately doomed. You're treading on very thin ice at this point.
Author H0ney Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Thanks again for the replies... Yes, he did delete it, I give him credit for that but at the same time they ARE STILL THERE!!! Sick- why is he doing this to me? Why wouldn't he take 1 second to click "empty"? I don't know if it's some sort of stupid mind game or what, but if he were in my situation I feel I would never had heard the end of it. Not to mention if I did something like that and he found it, I would erase it fro the face of the earth. So I NEED to know- should I click empty, tell him I did that and then for him to change his password? I'm sick of being sick over this.
squeak Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Maybe he left it in the trash without deleting to show you it was there and not merely disappeared which may cause you to wonder if it was not deleted but moved/placed in a seperate folder or something. People do weird things when they feel under the gun.
Author H0ney Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 So squeak do you think that gives me a right to completely get rid of it, tell him i did so then ask him to change his password? or would i look like a control freak? I feel like I should be able to do this because an X rated video is not something to keep around-- and I think he would definitely feel the same in my situation, dont u think?
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 How long have you two been boyfriend/girlfriend? You two need to talk and set up some rules/boundries, otherwise with no trust, and him feeling like you are checking up on him all the time WILL ruin your relationship...eventually.
squeak Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I think he put the ball in your court, he washed his hands of it. I don't think it makes you look like a control freak, just delete it and if you want to mention the password change since he had volunteered it himself, that is up to you. The details here aren't all that important, (put in the trash, not deleted, password change) but the other things Whichwayisup brought up are what really need to be addressed. I only have a question about the quality of his friends (wanting to exchange nekkid GF pics?) and the saying "birds of a feather flock together". That is not okay.
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