NC377 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I haven't dated in a year and can't figure out what exactly constitutes a date anymore. I met a guy through a mutual friend who thought I could practice speaking a foreign language with him. When we first met, I had a boyfriend so I told both my boyfriend about the guy and the guy about my boyfriend. My ex had always wanted to see other girls as friends so I didn't think anything of it. Also, alot of the time, we were never alone. We were either with his friend or mine. After I broke up with my ex, the other guy and I met only in group situations to see movies. This is the first time we were alone together so I'm a bit confused. The guy called the other day and asked if I wanted to see a movie. I responded the next day and said "yes". Then, he asked if I wanted to grab a bite before and I said yes. He ended up cooking at his place and we went to the movie after. He opened the door for me a lot and offered to pay for my movie (not sure if it was only because he was first in line and said to me, "you can get it next time" after I insisted on paying for my ticket). Right after the movie, he e-mailed me something about the movie since it was a pretty artsy movie and I came away from it wondering what the heck the movie was about. I haven't heard from him since. Is this a date or just a friendly get together between friends? I may have given him mixed signals because I thought he was a player. Therefore, I was trying to give him signs that I wanted to keep it on a friend basis. Now I'm not sure now if he is or isn't a player or whether I'm interested or not. Also, do guys prefer to ask the girl out on the second date these days?
oppath Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 My personal opinion is that within a relationship, if you make new guy friends, you should befriend them in group situations and with your boyfriend present. For example -- a coworker -- it is fine to go get drinks after work, with other coworkers present. After you have gotten to know him better as a friend over time, you will know the friendship is a secure one and it was not a date. Basically, I'm not spending any $ on a woman unless I am interested or have known her for a while. It sounds like this guy was testing the waters with you and your relationship. I commend you for telling him you have a boyfriend. Now, when he suggested you have dinner and a movie, did you ask your boyfriend "so and so asked me to do this. I told him I have a boyfriend. Is it ok?"
shadowplay Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 ^so you don't think it's ok for a girl to hang out with a male friend one on one if she's in a relationship? what the poster described above is definitely a date, though. no doubt about it.
oppath Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 ^so you don't think it's ok for a girl to hang out with a male friend one on one if she's in a relationship? what the poster described above is definitely a date, though. no doubt about it. Of course it is ok to hang out one-on-one with male friends, provided the guy friends know the boyfriend exists, and the boyfriend gets the chance to meet the guy friend if they are hanging out regularly. With new guys you meet...if you are inclined to become their friend, that friendship should grow with the presence of the boyfriend. That is best done in group situations, where you invite the dude along to meet your other friends (perhaps females to potentially set him up). I am friends with mostly females, but I only hang out with them maybe 1-in-3 times without their boyfriend there too. Girls I have met randomly who I have connected with, have made the effort to be my friend, by calling me up when they are going to the bar with a group of girlfriends, etc. The only way I'd pursue dinner with them would be to test the waters of their relationships. Now, some girls whose boyfriends I have met, I do go to dinner with them 1-on-1. I may even pick up the bill depending on circumstances. But those occasions are rare, maybe 1-in-5 times we hang out. I say this as a guy: if I a meet a girl who is in a relationship, and I respect that, but I still want to become friends with her...I do not invite her out on 1-on-1 activities. I'll get a bunch of people together for a bar, or a beach party, etc, and ask her to come along with all my other friends. I have asked out girls to dinners who were in relationships, and it was because I was interested. And if I am in a relationship, and a girl asks me to dinner/coffer/drinks, I will say "thanks, but I have a girlfriend." If she says "no, just friends" I would say "sure. My friends are going to this party this weekend, you should come along."
jcster Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Now, when he suggested you have dinner and a movie, did you ask your boyfriend "so and so asked me to do this. I told him I have a boyfriend. Is it ok?" She broke up with the boyfriend. I think he's trying to see if you are interested in dating. I think he's going carefully so that it doesn't impact what friendship you guys have if it doesn't work out. Now's the time to decide if you are interested or not.
oppath Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I missed that part; I read it as she still had a boyfriend. My bad. Ok, so you are single, and he knows it. It was a date, and he likely doesn't want to come off as too aggressive until you give him a green light.
Author NC377 Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 Thanks oppath about the comment re: telling your friend about your boyfriend/girlfriend. That was the problem with my ex. He wanted to have friends as girls that I never got to meet. One of the reasons we broke up. Just didn't seem right to me. Glad you confirmed it. I guess the hard part is that I am interested, but think it might not be good for me to take it any further as friends. He is from a different country and could go at anytime. there is nothing making him stay here - no family, no property, no job. I don't want to punish him just because my last boyfriend was from another country and left without me. That was one of the reasons I didn't want to start anything with my ex. But he kept assuring me that I would go with him. This new guy is in his late 20's/early 30's so think he wants to have more fun before settling down. On the other hand, he is looking for work to stay in the country. He just finished one contract and is looking for another. But then I could get the same line my ex gave me (ie. you would come with me) and he could leave without me. Right now, I'm looking to stay where I am. I've always been a wanderer, but as I am getting older, I want to put down some roots. Also, I've travelled enough that it is getting tiring. So, this guy doesn't fit my bill for a few reasons. But should I just stay friends and keep going out even though I may be tempted to take it further and then regret it later? I also could regret it that he decides to stay and never have a go at it. But I'm leaning toward not starting anything at all.
oppath Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Hey, no problem. Sorry for reading your post wrong initially. I was under the assumption you had a boyfriend, but wanted to know if what you did constituted a date. Of course it was a date . Don't worry so much about what might happen until you start feeling attached. Go out a few times and get to know him. He might be hesitant to make moves too while he is figuring out his life. Basically, any 1-on-1 interaction with a woman I don't know well, and it is a non business purpose, in my eyes is a date. If they are friends, usually I get to know them in group environments. It doesn't mean I won't go out with a woman 1-on-1 with the intention of it being romantic, sometimes it is to test the waters, to see if there is any attraction on both sides. But I almost always view those things as casual dates. And yes, if your boyfriend is friends with females, you should be meeting them. If that is how you want to be treated, then it is how you should be treated. It's not a lot to ask. I'm not saying when you are first dating, you should say "so what's the deal with you two" and act jealous if he was out with a female friend, but if you've been dating a while, there is no reason you shouldn't be meeting his friends of either gender, especially female friends. I've always thought 1-in-3 times or so my SO is out with her friends, I should be there, and I should always be free to say "I'm not doing anything tonight, come I come too?" Obviously, I need to give my girlfriends space to have their own lives and friends, but it is not a lot to ask to be included.
Author NC377 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Funny enough, I got an e-mail saying that he wanted to meet today at work for a quick bite. I didn't have time to eat, but offered a coffee. He used to work for the same organization as me, but we never worked in the same building cause the organization is big. Then his contract ended and he is trying to find another one, perhaps with the same organization, but different department. He came by cause he had an informal meeting with someone from the organization, but while he came over for coffee with me, he noticed that he had sent his resume to the guy that sits across from me. I'm sure he didn't know this beforehand cause he didn't know which floor I worked on. Anyways, he wanted to say hi to the guy to introduce himself. It was awkward cause he was waiting around to get his chance to saw hi and i was just hoping that he didn't. Not that I wanted to sabatoge him, but I hate mixing my personal life with my work life. The world is just too small. Anyways, he asked me what I was doing for the week for movies and I said nothing. I talked about some movie and he wasn't interested. Then he talked about some movie, but I wasn't interested in seeing it. At the end of coffee, he asked if I was going to this event and I said no. I asked if he was and he said yes, but he didn't invite me. We just said bye after that. Thinking that is best to take it slow. Not sure this guy is really for me. Any suggestions/comments?
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