what to think

[kristina19]

I am a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad. I found out about 2 and a half months ago that my husband has been emailing pictures of himself naked to girls he meets online. He also is a member of about 20 different adult sites in which you meet local people to have sex with. I also found an IM in which he made plans to meet a girl. When i asked him about the pictures, at first he said they weren't him. Then when i said "isn't that my bed in the picture", he said that it was a joke. Then he said he was just bored and was sorry he did it. Then when i found all the websites, he said he was just bored and wanted to talk to someone other than our kids. The IM was what really hurt me. When asked about that, he said he was just ****ing around and he never had any of intention of meeting her. He has told me that he never cheated on me and he never would. I don't have any proof that he did cheat.

 

I'm having a hard time moving on from this. I feel so hurt and i can't help feeling like i did something wrong to make him want to find someone new.

 

Do i believe him? If i don't, what do i do? If i do believe him, how do i move on?

 

Thanks for any advice,

Kristina

[Ladyjane14]

Get a detail summary of his cell phone bill and find out who he's been talking to. You can get one online in most cases. If not, call your provider.

 

These people become acquainted with one another on these porn sites, but it's seldom limited to chat for long. In order to prove that they're REAL, they move on to phone calling... and after that, in-person meetings.

 

Interactive porn is NOT some innocuous thing that poses no threat to your marriage. Because... those truly are REAL people behind those keyboards, each with their own pathetic agenda. You have to bear in mind that people who engage in this type of behavior usually have some kind of impetus for it. Often as not, it's low self-esteem, depression, or maybe even a passive/aggressive response to an underlying marital problem. Sometimes it's scamming for money and gifts, particularly on the part of the women. But no matter what their particular reasons are for being there... they're egging each other on to PROVE themselves sexually.

 

What's worse... the behavior itself is somewhat addicting. It FEEDS the ego in most cases, allowing the user to step into a character of his own design. There's a fantasy element to it, an escapism from reality.... but as the user indulges in it, he's also altering the chemical balance of his brain. It works like a cocaine addiction, releasing dopamine and adrenaline. If you watch a guy who's "chatting", he looks like somebody who's chugged down 6 cups of coffee in a row.

 

There's two payoffs here.. one to the ego, another to the pleasure centers of the brain. So, I'm not buying it when a guy says he just won't do it anymore, and hasn't addressed the problems.

 

My recommendation to you.... treat this incident like a cancer on your marriage. Treat it aggressively. Get some counseling so you get down to the root of the problem. Set up some boundaries and enforce them with accountability.

 

You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be nasty. In fact, it's actually advantageous to be understanding of your partner... at least after you've got his attention.

But this interactive porn habit has a tendency to escalate if you leave unattended, so I don't think tolerance is going to be a viable option.

 

It's unlikely that this is about you. So, try not to internalize your husband's bad behavior, okay?

[BestAdvisor1]

 

Do i believe him? If i don't, what do i do? If i do believe him, how do i move on?

 

Thanks for any advice,

Kristina

 

Deep down, you already know the answer. You found some evidence, he denied it by lying to you. You found some more evidence in a way that he can no longer deny, he admit it but denying anything further. The sites could be curiousity, but IMs talking about meeting is definately not "just playing."

 

Would a kid of really like a cookie go very close to it, pick it up, smell it, really want to eat it and put the cookie down and walk away. Maybe the first time and he never see the cookie again, but if the cookie is there again and again, he will eventually eat it.

 

You already know the answer to your questions, what do you do about this information is up to you.

[outofdarkness]

your H is not only cheating, but could be into some sites that feature underage girls? Don't take any chances w/ your kids...or someone else's kids...Get a keylogger installed on your comp..That way, you can know and see, exactly what he's up to...

 

Good luck and God Bless! ood:confused:

[Lizzie60]

I am a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad. I found out about 2 and a half months ago that my husband has been emailing pictures of himself naked to girls he meets online. He also is a member of about 20 different adult sites in which you meet local people to have sex with. I also found an IM in which he made plans to meet a girl. When i asked him about the pictures, at first he said they weren't him. Then when i said "isn't that my bed in the picture", he said that it was a joke. Then he said he was just bored and was sorry he did it. Then when i found all the websites, he said he was just bored and wanted to talk to someone other than our kids. The IM was what really hurt me. When asked about that, he said he was just ****ing around and he never had any of intention of meeting her. He has told me that he never cheated on me and he never would. I don't have any proof that he did cheat.

 

I'm having a hard time moving on from this. I feel so hurt and i can't help feeling like i did something wrong to make him want to find someone new.

 

Do i believe him? If i don't, what do i do? If i do believe him, how do i move on?

 

Thanks for any advice,

Kristina

 

You know what I would do? Take an axe and put it through the computer and throw it in the garbage.. that is exactly what I would do...

 

Why a computer? He's suppose to take care of the kids.

 

He's bored.. he's got too much time on his hands (no pun)... make a list... clean the mattresses, the windows, the inside of all the closets.. the kitchen floor everyday... the meals, the laundry... etc... etc...

 

Geezz.... get rid of the 'temptation'...

[Lizzie60]

My recommendation to you.... treat this incident like a cancer on your marriage. Treat it aggressively. Get some counseling so you get down to the root of the problem. Set up some boundaries and enforce them with accountability.

 

Counselling is BS... If her child was having problems on the Internet... what would be the logical way to deal with the problem... Get rid of the computer... simple.

 

This is NOT an addiction like drugs and alcool.. this is a 'bad habit'... so I don't think it should be treated like an addiction.

 

They should get rid of the 'source' of the problem... period!

[outofdarkness]

You know what I would do? Take an axe and put it through the computer and throw it in the garbage.. that is exactly what I would do...

 

Why a computer? He's suppose to take care of the kids.

 

He's bored.. he's got too much time on his hands (no pun)... make a list... clean the mattresses, the windows, the inside of all the closets.. the kitchen floor everyday... the meals, the laundry... etc... etc...

 

Geezz.... get rid of the 'temptation'...

yep Lizzie, gotta agree w/ ya on this one..First time I HAVE agreed w/ you I think...

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Gee, why doesn't he just get a JOB?

[Lizzie60]

Gee, why doesn't he just get a JOB?

 

I don't see anything wrong with him staying at home for the kids... the problem is the Internet... get rid of it... period.

[kristina19]

Thank you to everyone for replying.

 

I make enough money for him to stay home with the kids. If he would get a job, he would be working only to pay day care for our kids. Our son is 3 and our daughter is 18 months. He offered to get rid of the internet and this is stupid of me, but i told him, why should i be punished without the internet just because he messed up. He should be able to just not go on the computer when i'm not home.

 

The sad part was he didn't even do this when i was at work. He would do it when i went to bed at night.

 

The girl he had made plans to meet was on myspace. I emailed her and asked her to let me know what exactly happened between them. She didn't respond and she made fun of me on her page. I just wish i could know for sure what happened with anyone.

 

I ask him to do things around the house and yet he doesn't. He also has an excuss why he couldn't do what i ask of him. He does make dinner a lot and he does do the laundry.

 

We had a fight about three weeks ago because i had discovered a new site he belonged to where his tag phrase was "I think the first time cheating will be fun." We were just pulling into the parking lot of a store with our kids in the car. Himself and i got out of the car to yell at each other and i told him i wanted a divorce (which i don't think i really want). He got so mad that he got back in the car and drove off, leaving me to have to walk home from the store (about a 5 mile walk).

 

He used to be so sweet and caring. I just don't know what happened.

[Lizzie60]

I make enough money for him to stay home with the kids.

 

Good for you... kids are much better with him at home if you can afford it...

 

He offered to get rid of the internet and this is stupid of me, but i told him, why should i be punished without the internet just because he messed up. He should be able to just not go on the computer when i'm not home.

 

That's your big mistake... You don't want to make a sacrifice to save your marriage... the Internet is more important than your marriage?

 

I emailed her and asked her to let me know what exactly happened between them. She didn't respond and she made fun of me on her page.

 

Big mistake again.. Don't ever try to contact the OW.. they just don't give a hoot about the W... why would they?

 

I ask him to do things around the house and yet he doesn't.

 

Well then you need to have a serious talk with him... methink he has other priorities.

 

He got so mad that he got back in the car and drove off, leaving me to have to walk home from the store (about a 5 mile walk).

 

What a jerk... you need to put your foot on the ground my dear...

 

He used to be so sweet and caring. I just don't know what happened.

 

Simple... he's bored... and what happens when people gets bored... they get into trouble... just like kids.

[kristina19]

It's not about making a scarafice. I would do it but then i wouldn't be able to be on here right now getting advice from all of you. I check the computer all the time to see where he has been and what he is doing on here. He has not been to any of the sites since i found out.

 

I know it was a mistake to contact her but if i was her, i would have been nice about it. Why hurt someone who is already hurting?

 

We did have a talk about doing things around the house. I told him it would show me that he really did care about me and he was serious about making up everything he did to me. I'm still waiting to see results.

 

How do i make him un-bored?

[Ladyjane14]

I make enough money for him to stay home with the kids. If he would get a job, he would be working only to pay day care for our kids. Our son is 3 and our daughter is 18 months.

 

Hey, that might be an option. If the guy is getting into trouble and not managing his time... he might need to do something different. I have no problem with Stay-At-Home-Dads, but usually when men choose care-giving as a career, they're pretty good at it. Witness male nurses.

 

He offered to get rid of the internet and this is stupid of me, but i told him, why should i be punished without the internet just because he messed up. He should be able to just not go on the computer when i'm not home.

 

Getting rid of your computer or your internet connection wouldn't solve the problem anyway. You need to be able to trust your husband at all times. Removing the temptation, doesn't remove the problem. It's kind of like any other addiction. Say, you decide to quit smoking. Well, there are cigarettes EVERYWHERE. A person who can't say 'no'... won't.

 

The sad part was he didn't even do this when i was at work. He would do it when i went to bed at night.

 

Keeping weird hours is common with guys who are doing this. It still shorts your kids though, because their care-giver isn't well rested.

 

The girl he had made plans to meet was on myspace. I emailed her and asked her to let me know what exactly happened between them. She didn't respond and she made fun of me on her page. I just wish i could know for sure what happened with anyone.

 

Don't ask me to be surprised. OWs are apt to lie, so you would have been hard-pressed to believe whatever she said to you anyhow. She's unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Try not to let her into your brain-space.

 

We had a fight about three weeks ago because i had discovered a new site he belonged to where his tag phrase was "I think the first time cheating will be fun." We were just pulling into the parking lot of a store with our kids in the car. Himself and i got out of the car to yell at each other and i told him i wanted a divorce (which i don't think i really want). He got so mad that he got back in the car and drove off, leaving me to have to walk home from the store (about a 5 mile walk).

 

Sometimes a guy doesn't believe you're serious until he's sleeping in his car.

The ONLY real tool you have is your willingness to end the marriage if it becomes intolerable. In my case, I didn't have my husband's attention until AFTER I'd seen an attorney and demanded a divorce.

 

He used to be so sweet and caring. I just don't know what happened.

 

That's normal too. He's cheating. Maybe he's not actually having sex, but he's cheating nonetheless. What's been promised to you in emotional terms is being spread around in cyberspace.

 

They're mean when they cheat, hon.

They've got to justify all this bullsh*t in their heads so that they can give themselves permission to be a*holes. If they're not blaming their partner and making it someone else's fault... they've got to face 'the man in the mirror'.

[Lizzie60]

Getting rid of your computer or your internet connection wouldn't solve the problem anyway. You need to be able to trust your husband at all times. Removing the temptation, doesn't remove the problem. It's kind of like any other addiction. Say, you decide to quit smoking. Well, there are cigarettes EVERYWHERE. A person who can't say 'no'... won't.

 

Sorry but this is soooo not true... Talk to any counsellor and they will tell you to get the 'source' of the addiction out of the way.. come on now... if you leave a bottle of whisky on the table when the guy is an alcoholic...you're asking for trouble and not helping him with his addiction.

 

Internet is NOT an addiction... or if it is (like some people think it is) then it is very easy to get rid of... (probably the easiest).

 

Sorry but I think that she puts LS and the Internet way before her own marriage...this is not the way I would deal with the problem.. but hey... I am not the one with this problem.. right?

 

Right!

[Ladyjane14]

I know it was a mistake to contact her but if i was her, i would have been nice about it. Why hurt someone who is already hurting?

 

But she's not you. Would you have been f*cking around with married men on a porn site? THAT's the kind of woman you're dealing with. These are troubled people.

 

How do i make him un-bored?

He won't be bored if he's working. Send him out to get a job. It sounds to me like he's ill-suited to homemaking anyway.

 

He also won't be bored if he's trying to figure out ways to save his own ass from divorce.

 

In the long term, the marriage isn't going to survive if he doesn't get his act together and commit to being a good partner. So, what do you have to lose that's not already lost by insisting that he address the underlying problems?

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't have any proof that he did cheat.

Disagree with that, you've got plenty of proof in the pix, IM's, browsing history, etc. You've got every prosecutor's dream - the proverbial "smoking gun". Any action you take or decision you make from now on should be based on that premise as you move forward...

 

Mr. Lucky