NSBR Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Mentally, I'm getting better each day during separation. I'm not having as many down days and I'm making really good strides in feeling better about ME and realizing that this isn't all about my issues and faults. I've come to grips that I just can't change my wife's lack of feelings for me and by not sitting around hoping and moping, and by making strides to move forward on my own, things are going ok. One thing I can't seem to shake, however, are how my physical desires still remain strong for her. It's almost that knowing I CAN'T have her right now makes my desires to HAVE her sexually even stronger. I have to shake my head at times and wonder what in the world it's all about? Anyone else have those feelings? Is it a male thing only? I get a little p'd at myself that for all the mental strides I'm making. I've always been attracted to her and desired her, but does the notion that you can't have someone make you want them even more? It's really just a physical thing only at this point and nothing else. My mental gains are good enough that I know that sleeping with her won't change things in my mind about the issues in our marriage.
LakesideDream Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 NSBR, it's called "Sperm Competition". When there is a possibility of other "swimmers" entering your mate, it causes a biological change to take place in you. Regardless of the circumstances, your instincts are working overtime. Don't sweat it, it passes with time.
Toolate Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Luckily my ex wasn that great, she was my first and only and i still feel that way. Very little emotion. As far as other guys. I feel lucky that this happend before we had kids, she to dang broken to be a momma. The only urges i get is how great and hot my next relationship is going to be. TELL ME YOU LIKE IT!!
Author NSBR Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 16 years being faithful to her, so I've pretty much had one flavor for a long time. She's claiming not to have anyone on the side or at least she's careful enough that I won't know, so I don't have a 'competitor' I'm up against, at least one I can see! I'm almost hung up about it, just thinking that one more go around would cure it...weird stuff...
sumdude Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Yeah, went through the same thing... Just not gettin' any for a long time had me all fired up. Since I was still emotionally attached to her I wanted her. Had those same thoughts that if we gave that a shot it might help fix the marriage .. or at least get things going somewhere. Plus the strange thing about human nature, wanting the one thing we can't have ... anymore.
Saxis Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I feel this way nearly all the time still. Going on 5 months now... Even when we were split up, ready for the divorce but still living together the last month or so, we kinda joked to each other about having a FWB relationship. For her, it probably would've worked. For me, not so much. I was just still too emotionally involved, and I knew it would just falsely get my hopes up...
Mike1966 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I venture to guess it's probably a battle for most men separated from their wives...............especially if the wife left, which was my case as well. Much of it probably stems from the natural physical attraction you have for your wife. I was ALWAYS physically attracted to my wife, never really gave much thought to others and very satisfied with her body. So, I experienced this also. I'm just separated 3 months, still have hopes of reconciling. Weird, about 2-3 weeks ago, after a little more than two months of back and forth on divorce, my wife wants to spend the weekend together and we were intimate. It was very special as I really, really never thought I'd get to hold her that way EVER again. It was making love, not sex..........big difference. Then, two days after, though we did call off the divorce, my wife says she still doesn't "feel" love for me and it was for me and not her............which I don't think is totally true. Sorry for the diverson..........long story short, it's normal to still want sex with your wife after being with her that way for so long. However, if you did it, I can tell you, it won't make it any easier if you end up divorced from her and moving on.
kobegirl Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 So you dont miss her emotionally ? you only think about the sex with her ? that seems shallow to me somehow.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 So you dont miss her emotionally ? you only think about the sex with her ? that seems shallow to me somehow. I dunno, Kobe. I can see how missing a partner emotionally could be manifested by a stronger sexual yearning. In general terms, a man's emotional bond with his partner is strengthened through sex, so it stands to reason that a man who's longing to be reconciled with his wife might feel more sexual toward her. I think Lakeside has a great point too, btw. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that maybe there are both emotional and physical elements at work here.
PWSX3 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Not to be the odd duck here, but sex was the last thing on my mind when my W moved out. Maybe that is because I was more interested in trying to figure out what had happened & what "I" could do to make things better.
Author NSBR Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 I guess to clarify a bit more... When I say that having sex won't change things emotionally, I'm saying that I acknowledge that our issues run far deeper than the 'quick and intense' short term positive response that sleeping together might give me. Based on my personal improvements recently, I would know that it could not give me any false hopes. I would have to tell myself that this is just physical and not to let it ruin what I've been working on. Still, it doesn't help with the urges!
Author NSBR Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 Kobe Girl: I didn't always think this way! In fact, that is not who I am. However, I am starting to let go of some of the emotion to try and heal. I still think of her with genuine care, but I know she's no longer in love with me and to get over her and try and prepare for moving on, I need to start rolling back by emotional attachment to her and start trying to work on myself. The sex drive is perhaps LJ's way of telling me that I still have some work to do on the letting go part!
marsbars Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 You know it is bad when the equipment won't work unless you are thinking of her!
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