getaclue Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 So I've been dating my girlfriend for officially 5 months now and a little before that. We have a great relationship going on, but her ex has been an issue. He lives 10 hours away(where she used to live), so I really shouldn't have anything to worry about, but it still bothers me. He used to text her and message her all the time but I let it go because they were still freshly broken up and I know it's hard at first. Eventually he stopped and I thought everything was fine and he was moving on as well as her. But now that things slowed down, it's like she wants his attention. I hate facebook and myspace for this, but they're the root of it all...stupid things. Shes sent him drinks on facebook and a message here and there. She thinks I can't see his profile but I can over the past 2 weeks I found one saying how she texted him and was thinking about him and hoped she didn't wake him up - obviously her starting the communication. Now I saw another saying that "she just talked to him and he was drunk" blah blah blah and that he should come visit someone who lives close or he "should buy her a ticket to come visit hahaha". Like I said, we have a great relationship going on. I don't want to blow this all out of proportion as he lives so far away and its maybe just the last little urges to be connected after so long, but it really bothers me. She's having a rough time in her last semester of school and most of her friends are gone so she's feeling super lonely (as me and her also are over an hour apart). I've explained how I feel about her talking to him also. I don't want to be the kind of boyfriend to say "no, do no talk to him anymore at all" but I would love nothing more than that. What do I do?
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 You have talked to her about this and she is still contacting her ex the way she is doing it? My BF doesn't understand how I am so close to my ex. We are just good buddies - nothing more. I can sense my BF isn't too happy with us being friends - in a way, he said it might just give my ex an idea that I would still want him back if we keep on being friends (which is so isn't the case). Anyhow, I have stopped messaging/calling my ex because I do not want to upset my BF. It was MY decision. So I don't know if your GF would do the same.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Doesnt it seem like maybe she should make a choice? There is no room for inbetweens. If she cant handle and appropriate and friendly relationship with her ex... maybe you should find someone who only wants you!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 You have talked to her about this and she is still contacting her ex the way she is doing it? My BF doesn't understand how I am so close to my ex. We are just good buddies - nothing more. I can sense my BF isn't too happy with us being friends - in a way, he said it might just give my ex an idea that I would still want him back if we keep on being friends (which is so isn't the case). Anyhow, I have stopped messaging/calling my ex because I do not want to upset my BF. It was MY decision. So I don't know if your GF would do the same. That is a mature decision! I have a lot of respect for that! I agree that maybe his GF will do the same... but consider her current situation. She may not be ready for that yet.
oppath Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Lyssa, it sounds like you made a good decision. In my last relationship, she wouldn't even tell her ex about me because they had dated for 5 years, and she started dating me a couple weeks later, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings. It really hurt my feelings. He'd fly into town to see his family and to hang out with her. She would ask "is it cool if I see him tomorrow" and I'd say "yes, but I want you to tell him you are in a new relationship." She didn't. I eve wasn't allowed to meet some of her friends, because they were his best friends, and he would find out about me. In hindsight, I was a doormat. I was truly taken advantage of. Turns out he'd pick her up at 8am, hang out with her all day, and spend the night at her house. I didn't know this information. And he did ask for her back and essentially propose to her shortly before our breakup; of course, she didn't tell me this. I was naive. Ex's are problems. Unless it is a long ago ex, and you have been friends for a couple years, they are a rational threat. You can't enter a relationship fundamentally distrusting someone, but trust is also earned. Whoever says "they are with you now, you have to trust them" is wrong. 1/4 people have cheated, right? You shouldn't distrust, but trust also has to be earned. In future relationships, if we agree to become exclusive, it is quite simple: if you are talking to your ex, does he know you are in a new relationship? If no, why doesn't he know? If you don't want to hurt his feelings, well, to me that signifies you really shouldn't be speaking because it is too soon to be friends, or your aren't ready for a relationship. Hanging out one-on-one? Can I meet the guy and be introduced as your boyfriend? No? Why not? If you are just friends, shouldn't I be able to meet your friends? Trust is earned when those things happen. I have no problems with my new gf occassionally talking to her ex; he was part of her life for a couple years. I do ask, however, if they are talking several times a week for him to know about me, even if it will hurt his feelings. And I do ask that if they hang out one-on-one, that I get a chance to meet the guy. I wouldn't hesitate to do those things for a girl I was dating. It is a simple matter of respect and visibility to me. I know not everyone feels the same way, but if you have to hide your new relationships from your past...why? I understand not wanting to hurt someones feelings, but if that is the case, then you are not just friends, and contact should be much more limited, like once a month for 10 minutes or so. Because if you are "just friends," then you can reveal your new relationships. Making your new bf/gf visible EARNS trust. Again, you can't enter relationships fundamentally not trusting someone, but some level of trust needs to be earned. To the OP...does the ex know she has a new boyfriend? If not, I would put my foot down. I would say "I support you remaining friends, he was obviously a big part of your life and there are many great things about him or you wouldn't have been with him. I do feel a little uncomfortable, however, because I don't know if from his end, his feelings are gone and he only wants to be friends. Does he know about me? And if he comes into town to visit, can I meet him?" Quite honestly, a new gf wouldn't have to even ask me those questions. If I were in contact with an ex, I'd call her up and say "I just wanted to let you know I've been dating someone and I like where it is going. I'm not trying to hurt you with this information, but are you cool being friends knowing I am in a new relationship? Would you be comfortable meeting my new girlfriend?" If the answer is no, then I would say "then it's best if we don't talk too much, because I want to focus on my new relationship."
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 That is a mature decision! I have a lot of respect for that! I agree that maybe his GF will do the same... but consider her current situation. She may not be ready for that yet. *blush* Thanks, Cobra. I don't think it is fair for any of us if I continued my friendship and when I think about it... my ex would probably see it as a way that he can have me back any time he wants to, you know. I have a lot of respect for my BF - one of the reasons for my decision. I actually don't think she is ready yet. They have only broken up a yr? Less?
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Lyssa, it sounds like you made a good decision. In my last relationship, she wouldn't even tell her ex about me because they had dated for 5 years, and she started dating me a couple weeks later, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings. It really hurt my feelings. He'd fly into town to see his family and to hang out with her. She would ask "is it cool if I see him tomorrow" and I'd say "yes, but I want you to tell him you are in a new relationship." She didn't. I eve wasn't allowed to meet some of her friends, because they were his best friends, and he would find out about me. In hindsight, I was a doormat. I was truly taken advantage of. Turns out he'd pick her up at 8am, hang out with her all day, and spend the night at her house. I didn't know this information. And he did ask for her back and essentially propose to her shortly before our breakup; of course, she didn't tell me this. I was naive. *smile* - I do think it was a good decision that I made, Oppath. What your last GF did was really not cool. I have this tendency to tell everyone around me that I am with someone. I AM proud to tell all my guyfriends that I have met someone new. It's called respect. I'm sorry you went through that with your ex. I believe that when two people are in love with each other, they should celebrate their love for one another by coming out of the closet (can't think of other metaphors - lol). Ex-es WILL become a problem in future r/ships, you might think it wouldn't be a problem because you both know each other so well but trust me, ex-es are bad news.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 *blush* Thanks, Cobra. I don't think it is fair for any of us if I continued my friendship and when I think about it... my ex would probably see it as a way that he can have me back any time he wants to, you know. I have a lot of respect for my BF - one of the reasons for my decision. I actually don't think she is ready yet. They have only broken up a yr? Less? LOL... Yeah, I've got a ex for every day of the month... and the ones that try to stay in contact with me... well usually I assume they arent over me yet. One girls going on 4 years. It's pretty obvious when I get involved with a new girl though... I'm suddenly impossible to reach... Now I absolutely hate to have people tell me what to do, maybe thats my stubborn streak. I'm not sure if you are the same way... However, do you think it is a good idea for OP to demand his girlfriend cut contact... or hope this comes about naturally?
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 LOL... Yeah, I've got a ex for every day of the month... and the ones that try to stay in contact with me... well usually I assume they arent over me yet. One girls going on 4 years. It's pretty obvious when I get involved with a new girl though... I'm suddenly impossible to reach... You must be a looker, hey? . Usually that is the case, they are not over you! Now I absolutely hate to have people tell me what to do, maybe thats my stubborn streak. I'm not sure if you are the same way... I hate people telling me what to do too! My parents know better than to ask me to do something I do not like... and yes, I am quite stubborn! However, do you think it is a good idea for OP to demand his girlfriend cut contact... or hope this comes about naturally? I think it would be a good idea to demand his GF to cut contact but I think that would only make her resent him, don't you think so? She is clearly (IMO) not over her ex. If she was, she would have cut contact with him on her own.
oppath Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 *smile* - I do think it was a good decision that I made, Oppath. What your last GF did was really not cool. I have this tendency to tell everyone around me that I am with someone. I AM proud to tell all my guyfriends that I have met someone new. It's called respect. I'm sorry you went through that with your ex. I believe that when two people are in love with each other, they should celebrate their love for one another by coming out of the closet (can't think of other metaphors - lol). Ex-es WILL become a problem in future r/ships, you might think it wouldn't be a problem because you both know each other so well but trust me, ex-es are bad news. I agree, ex's need to be treated with caution. It is a rational concern if your new SO is close friends with an ex. Often when people say "I am friends with all my ex's" what they mean is they see them in groups and seen emails twice a year, maybe calling on a birthday. That is different than offering to fly the ex to your town to hang out!! If you are in a new relationship, you make that person visible. It is as simple as that. With my ex, she told me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry, which is the only reason I tolerate her behavior. Never again. I tell everyone "I have a new girlfriend." Basically, I want to show my girlfriend off in the sense I exclaim, "look at this awesome women I met!" I want to be treated the same. I want a girl to say to all of her friends "hey, look at what I've got!" I think ex's are best kept as civil acquaintances, not intimate buddies. You can value your history and keep them in your life, but at a distance that respects new dating partners.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 You must be a looker, hey? . Usually that is the case, they are not over you! I hate people telling me what to do too! My parents know better than to ask me to do something I do not like... and yes, I am quite stubborn! I think it would be a good idea to demand his GF to cut contact but I think that would only make her resent him, don't you think so? She is clearly (IMO) not over her ex. If she was, she would have cut contact with him on her own. Looker? LOL... yes... but there are lots of other guys that are good looking! Naw, It's the whole package that makes things work for me! Figured out in college that even ugly guys get girls when they dress nice... are hygenic... and have good abs... LOL! Good abs pretty much multiply your appeal by 10! Oh, and sometimes a good personality helps... sometimes. Anyway... Perhaps... if she is stubborn like me she will resent it. I have noticed that some girls like a respectful show of strength. Almost like he is willing to fight for her... cause he cares so much! I wonder if that's just a matter of approach? and I wonder if that could tip the balance in his favor?
Luthatdude Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Im going pretty much through the exact same thing u are. The only difference is her ex was my ex best friend who i have known for years. He still doesnt know about me and her. I got really siked the first few months we were getting with each other, but then her sis calls me and tells me that they still talk all the time, thats where things went totally south. The dude is a total scumbag cheater too. The problem with this situation was that i totally fell for a girl who i knew wasnt ready, just be careful that u dont do the same. Who broke up with who? Its pretty relevant in the situation because if he dumped her than she may still have feelings for him. They'res a big difference between roles. Good luck dude.
Lyssa Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I agree, ex's need to be treated with caution. It is a rational concern if your new SO is close friends with an ex. Often when people say "I am friends with all my ex's" what they mean is they see them in groups and seen emails twice a year, maybe calling on a birthday. That is different than offering to fly the ex to your town to hang out!! If you are in a new relationship, you make that person visible. It is as simple as that. With my ex, she told me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry, which is the only reason I tolerate her behavior. Never again. I tell everyone "I have a new girlfriend." Basically, I want to show my girlfriend off in the sense I exclaim, "look at this awesome women I met!" I want to be treated the same. I want a girl to say to all of her friends "hey, look at what I've got!" I think ex's are best kept as civil acquaintances, not intimate buddies. You can value your history and keep them in your life, but at a distance that respects new dating partners. I totally agree with you. I would without a doubt tell everyone about my SO. Heck I'd even show him off!! What I found out between dating local guys and westerners is that local guys don't find it weird that I can still be good buddies with my ex but westerners (the guys I got to know) find it weird. I thought it was just my BF but turned out that almost all others think the same way. So that got me thinking, maybe it is not really such a good idea to stay friends with an ex.
Lyssa Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Looker? LOL... yes... but there are lots of other guys that are good looking! Naw, It's the whole package that makes things work for me! Figured out in college that even ugly guys get girls when they dress nice... are hygenic... and have good abs... LOL! Good abs pretty much multiply your appeal by 10! Oh, and sometimes a good personality helps... sometimes. Anyway... Perhaps... if she is stubborn like me she will resent it. I have noticed that some girls like a respectful show of strength. Almost like he is willing to fight for her... cause he cares so much! I wonder if that's just a matter of approach? and I wonder if that could tip the balance in his favor? LOL - looker as in good looking, yes. Seriously, having a great personality really helps! I'd go for personality first then looks. Of course, the first that attracts me to a guy is how he looks but if I got to know him and he has zero personality or 1.5 then, good bye!! Oh and he has to dress smartly too. Ooohh... good abs.... *sigh* Any woman would love for his man to fight for her. In OP's case, he would fight for her, at least he sounds as if he would but it still depends on his GF. I just don't think they are really just friends if he flew all the way to see her... no matter how good friends I am with an ex, I wouldn't go to that extend esp just to hang out. That's just way too much for me.
oppath Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Well unless a lot of time has passed, one of the people typically still wants more. And it depends on your definition of a friend. I feel it is pretty rare for two ex's to be close buddies with no romantic feelings lurking. If by friend you mean talk every two months and hang out in groups, that is different. Really, it comes down to when you are in a new relationship. Is the ex completely cool with that information? Can you introduce the new boy/girl to your ex as "my new boyfriend/girlfriend." If that is the case, then you are JUST friends. If you can't do that, you are not just friends.
oppath Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Any woman would love for his man to fight for her. In OP's case, he would fight for her, at least he sounds as if he would but it still depends on his GF. I just don't think they are really just friends if he flew all the way to see her... no matter how good friends I am with an ex, I wouldn't go to that extend esp just to hang out. That's just way too much for me. Agreed. That's a bit much for a friend with a romantic history who is in a new relationship. As far as fighting...it is a tough call. That is the point, right? He doesn't want to come off as controlling, jealous, or possessive. Well, if she considers your boundaries controlling, jealous, or possessive, the problem really is with her. Don't settle for "we're just friends. It is important we stay close friends." If you are uncomfortable with it, your girlfriend will validate those feelings if she truly loves you and wants your relationship to develop. She'll compromise.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 LOL - looker as in good looking, yes. Seriously, having a great personality really helps! I'd go for personality first then looks. Of course, the first that attracts me to a guy is how he looks but if I got to know him and he has zero personality or 1.5 then, good bye!! Oh and he has to dress smartly too. Ooohh... good abs.... *sigh* Any woman would love for his man to fight for her. In OP's case, he would fight for her, at least he sounds as if he would but it still depends on his GF. I just don't think they are really just friends if he flew all the way to see her... no matter how good friends I am with an ex, I wouldn't go to that extend esp just to hang out. That's just way too much for me. Sorry, Looker is just spelled so similar to hooker that at first I figured you just mistyped! LOL! I'm going to tell you right now, that as a guy dressing nice is a double edged sword... Ok, so In OP's situation. I would definitely demand a stop to contact with the ex! But I think the approach to this is key. She has to believe that he wants this for her and for them. If he comes across as selfish and insecure it is gauranteed to cause resentment. I would recommend mentioning that sometimes when you love somebody you do what is best for them, not what is best for you. Tell her that you really dont like conflict, but that you love her enough you dont want to see her get hurt. This guy hurt her in the past! Otherwise they would be together right now!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Agreed. That's a bit much for a friend with a romantic history who is in a new relationship. As far as fighting...it is a tough call. That is the point, right? He doesn't want to come off as controlling, jealous, or possessive. Well, if she considers your boundaries controlling, jealous, or possessive, the problem really is with her. Don't settle for "we're just friends. It is important we stay close friends." If you are uncomfortable with it, your girlfriend will validate those feelings if she truly loves you and wants your relationship to develop. She'll compromise. There are so many situations where its not what you say that counts... its how you say it!
Lyssa Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I wonder where the OP is... did we scare him away??
Author getaclue Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 Hey all, sorry I haven't posted...been kinda busy but I just read all this stuff. Thanks for all the input and opinions. I'm so confused by all this crap because my girlfriend definitely loves me very much and tells me that all the time. I'm really thinking that she's just kinda lonely and reaching out for whatever used to be there. Not exactly what I'd like, but at least I'm pretty sure it wouldn't turn into anything. I think it's best to let this slide for a little and see if it becomes more of a problem. Commenting on earlier posts, she is in no way hiding the fact that I am with her. We're clearly together in front of everyone and anyone. I brought up her talking to her ex once before and of course it turned into a trust issue and that I was supposed to trust her more. I trust her very much. She goes out with people and does her own thing, and I know she's a very secure girl and I don't have anything to worry about in that way. I just hate ex's I think, and I hope he'll just fade away more with time...it has gotten better I suppose. I've never had such strong feelings for a girl and I hate to see something like this make it difficult at all.
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