Was I Not Pretty Enough or What?

[Sand&Water]

I was talking to friend of mine, and half way through the conversation I showed him my picture -because he had asked to see one. The picture was a simple shot of myself, from the waist upwards, normal as can be.

 

I, at least, expected a gentleman's courtesy respond along the lines of "Nice Picture", "That's Pretty", "That's Beautiful" or "I like your picture". But no.

 

All I got was nothing. He didn't comment on the picture, rather he and I continued to converse for a little longer then I had to leave. That was it. I don't understand this game, if not, this ritual.

 

Was I not good enough? Are men not into complimenting a picture of woman when they see one?

 

Was my picture hideous? Was he shy to comment? Intimidated?

 

I can't believe a basic common courtesy wasn't executed. If I saw a nice picture, I would compliment the person without a doubt. Am I over-analyzing this? Because I was a little disappointed in him, as a friend -but definitely it is not a "must" in this world.

 

Thank you in advance.

Sand&Water

[lindya]

The possibilities seem to be

 

1. He's genuinely unaware of the usual rules of courtesy, and it wouldn't occur to him to give you any feedback about your picture

2. He's uncomfortable giving compliments, and felt anything he'd say might sound cheesy

3. It's a calculated neg...to give him a sense of control in exchanges between the two of you - and, perhaps, to make you feel as though you have to try harder to impress him.

4. You weren't as he imagined you. For instance, if a guy forms a mental picture of you being very delicate, dark haired and Bohemian looking - his particular type and you turn out to be blonde and athletic - or vice versa, he might be disappointed. Doesn't mean you're not attractive, just means you didn't fit the image of how he would want a girlfriend to look.

 

Have you seen a picture of him?

[Herzen]

Many men, unlike women, lack fundamental social skills. In that he asked to see your photo, a compliment , even an insincere one, is not asking too much.

 

Although I wouldn't judge the guy's character and sensitivity on this one isolated incident, it is telling.

[lovelorcet]

I don't get it?

 

He asked for a picture and got one. Why is it polite to say "nice picture" after that?

 

Maybe he thinks you look ridiculous or maybe he just wanted to see what you looked like and was not out to judge anything at all.

[Lyssa]

It would have been nice to get compliments after showing a pic. I usually have something to say when someone shows their pic (esp if I asked to see it) and I usually get one when they see mine... it doesn't matter to me if I got a good or bad compliment... just would be nice to get ANY feedback - lol

 

I agree with Lindya - you're probably not his type or he doesn't want to come out as cheesy if he did say something sweet about your pic.

[lindya]

I don't get it?

 

He asked for a picture and got one. Why is it polite to say "nice picture" after that?

 

 

po·lite (p-lt)

adj. po·lit·er, po·lit·est

1. Marked by or showing consideration for others, tact, and observance of accepted social usage.

 

You can get it and practice it or get it but make a conscious decision not to practice it for a variety of reasons - or you can just not get it at all.

 

Which part of Europe are you from?

[birdie]

I'm with lovelorcet on this one. maybe it's a European thing but why is there a need to comment on everything so much? he didn't say anything, fine. there could be tons of reasons, he clearly doesn't realise how insecure you are. saying something like 'nice picture' and not meaning it is just superficial anyway

[lovelorcet]

I am actually an American but I have been living in Germany for too long.

 

Being polite is very culture based. Germans are actually very well mannered (especially compared to Americans) but are much less superficial. They don't say stuff that they don't mean.

 

In this example, if I really thought the picture was nice might actually say that, if that was not the case then I would say nothing.

 

If my gf slaved in the kitchen to make me a nice meal and it tasted awful I would not say it was great. I would however be very touched that she put so much effort into doing something for me and would most definitely make some compliments in that respect and try to avoid commenting on something that would be negative.

[lindya]

I am actually an American but I have been living in Germany for too long.

 

I knew it! No offence to Germans (I went out with one once, and he was delightful) but there's a certain bluntness in the communication....

 

Being polite is very culture based. Germans are actually very well mannered (especially compared to Americans) but are much less superficial. They don't say stuff that they don't mean.

 

I've found something similar with Scandinavian men. The humour can be extremely dry and the compliments very back-handed.

[lovelorcet]

The communication definitely really blunt but I find it much easier. You know where you stand with a German. If they say "we should do something sometime" they mean it and will give you a call to go and do something.

 

I would even go as far to say that German's would consider as BS compliment as very inappropriate and actually rude.

[Izzy B]

I have a question, have you met the friend in person before? If he had, it's no big deal, he already knows what you look like. So it's cool if he didn't comment on the photo because he already knows you're beautiful or he wouldn't continue chatting.

I was confused because you called him a friend, and that made me think that you had met before. (Sorry, "friends" aren't friends until they meet in person.)

If that was the first time he saw what you looked like, then what I have found 100% of the time is that he feels you are out of his league (i.e. too hot for him.) You will meet him in person and he will be a woofer, I guarantee it. The ones who have complimented my pic were attractive enough themselves, the others were as I have said, woofers themselves.

[BentSpine]

Another northern european here.

 

Not commenting on your picture is a good sign in my book.

 

Because if I contrary didn't happen to feel anything appealing when looking at your picture, I would quickly start to include the word "friend" in our conversations to avoid building up expectations that cannot be met.

 

If I happen to be only a friend and find your picture attractive, well... that's a contradiction!

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

There are several aspects of the original post that I should clarify. The mere evidence, fact I will soon explain, is that he contradicts himself which in turn drove me to question as to why he didn't even acknowledge the picture. It was as though, he didn't care about the picture -but the inner person as a whole sans physical traits.

 

Refer to Post number 2. I accidently hit the enter key.

 

Sand&Water

[Trialbyfire]

Sand&Water, do you really only view him as solely a friend?

[amber1]

I have a question, have you met the friend in person before? If he had, it's no big deal, he already knows what you look like.

 

I'm also confused. OP, was this an online instant message type of situation or something? Were you actually with him in person when you showed him the pic? If he is talking to you in person he would know what you look like...

 

Anyway, yeah not commenting on a pic isn't a very good. He could have at least said something, he didn't necessarily have to say something about you. He could have asked questions about when or where it was taken, etc. Not saying anything is just odd.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

1. He's genuinely unaware of the usual rules of courtesy, and it wouldn't occur to him to give you any feedback about your picture

 

I doubt it, Lindya. He is aware and exercises the general "thank you" and "you are welcome" responses -it is not a matter of forgetfullness.

 

2. He's uncomfortable giving compliments, and felt anything he'd say might sound cheesy

 

This could be a valid reason. I don't know everything about him.

 

He has in the past made compliments -but he is the type of person that doesn't like to be very blunt about things. He takes stride in dropping hints, but at the same time is very opinioned when it comes to sharing thoughts with the other person.

 

3. It's a calculated neg...to give him a sense of control in exchanges between the two of you - and, perhaps, to make you feel as though you have to try harder to impress him.

 

This is probably close to the truth. He tries at times to take power, but knows that I stand stronger than he does in this relation. Hoestly, I don't know if I have impressed him enough -or if at all.

 

4. You weren't as he imagined you. Perhaps. I don't know. I can't read minds.

 

Have you seen a picture of him? Yes.

 

There could be tons of reasons, he clearly doesn't realise how insecure you are.

 

There are, indeed, tons of reasons for his behaviour. However, I am still getting to know him as a person and vice versa. Me, insecure? No. That is farthest from the truth. I know character when I see it.

 

The part where I am stumped about is the fact that he is interested in me. Not the other way around. He is the one that constantly attempting and waiting for my mind to change.

 

I was not eagerly awaiting a compliment from him. I am simply confused as to why he is doing this -and if there is attraction, if at all.

 

Sand&Water

[spookie]

I am curious about where you meet these online male friends of yours.

[spookie]

And as far as not commenting... it doesn't seem at all odd to me. Here is my logic:

 

If he thought you were attractive, perhaps he didn't want to seem shallow by commenting. You come off as a very non-superficial person, at least here on LS. Maybe he thought you'd be offended if he expressed attraction *after* seeing your photo.

 

If he didn't, maybe he didn't want to throw out a compliment he didn't mean.

 

I mean, compliments and the kind of small talk they fall under are so cheap. Especially online. If he had said something there would ahve been 10 different ways to interpret it anyway. I wouldn't be offended that he didn't say anything. If you are interested, I would, however, watch out for other hints that he likes you, and that he liked your picture.

[Lizzie60]

I was talking to friend of mine, and half way through the conversation I showed him my picture -because he had asked to see one. The picture was a simple shot of myself, from the waist upwards, normal as can be.

 

I, at least, expected a gentleman's courtesy respond along the lines of "Nice Picture", "That's Pretty", "That's Beautiful" or "I like your picture". But no.

 

All I got was nothing. He didn't comment on the picture, rather he and I continued to converse for a little longer then I had to leave. That was it. I don't understand this game, if not, this ritual.

 

Was I not good enough? Are men not into complimenting a picture of woman when they see one?

 

Was my picture hideous? Was he shy to comment? Intimidated?

 

I can't believe a basic common courtesy wasn't executed. If I saw a nice picture, I would compliment the person without a doubt. Am I over-analyzing this? Because I was a little disappointed in him, as a friend -but definitely it is not a "must" in this world.

 

Thank you in advance.

Sand&Water

 

I don't get this... He was talking to you.. why would he want to see your picture?

 

But, if he's like me... I can't lie... I just can't give compliments if I don't mean them IF I'm right in front of the person... I'm sure my face would tell I'm lying.

 

Maybe he's just not into compliments... or maybe (my bet) is that he didn't want to lead you into something... He didn't want to say 'nice' then you think he loves you.. (some women are like that)... they read way more into a guy's simple comment.

[Lizzie60]

you were chatting with this guy on an Internet dating site... Okkkkayyy.

 

Done that too... Now... this is different...

 

He just didn't like what he say... period.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it is what it is...

 

I exchanged pictures in the past with guys on dating site... they were great to talk with, online, on the phone... then I ask for a pic...

 

OMMAGAD

 

sooo not my style, totally different from what I was expecting...

 

Would I say 'niiiiice' ... NO... I would say nothing... and would not contact or chat with him again...

[Timberlane]

You shouldn't have to exchange pictures on a dating site, it should all be up front in your profile. What is it with people hiding on the Internet? If you put your pictures where everyone could see them, none of this stuff would ever occur.

[sexymoma96]

RE:

 

1. He's genuinely unaware of the usual rules of courtesy, and it wouldn't occur to him to give you any feedback about your picture

 

I doubt it, Lindya. He is aware and exercises the general "thank you" and "you are welcome" responses -it is not a matter of forgetfullness.

 

2. He's uncomfortable giving compliments, and felt anything he'd say might sound cheesy

 

This could be a valid reason. I don't know everything about him.

 

He has in the past made compliments -but he is the type of person that doesn't like to be very blunt about things. He takes stride in dropping hints, but at the same time is very opinioned when it comes to sharing thoughts with the other person.

 

3. It's a calculated neg...to give him a sense of control in exchanges between the two of you - and, perhaps, to make you feel as though you have to try harder to impress him.

 

This is probably close to the truth. He tries at times to take power, but knows that I stand stronger than he does in this relation. Hoestly, I don't know if I have impressed him enough -or if at all.

 

4. You weren't as he imagined you. Perhaps. I don't know. I can't read minds.

 

Have you seen a picture of him? Yes.

 

There could be tons of reasons, he clearly doesn't realise how insecure you are.

 

There are, indeed, tons of reasons for his behaviour. However, I am still getting to know him as a person and vice versa. Me, insecure? No. That is farthest from the truth. I know character when I see it.

 

The part where I am stumped about is the fact that he is interested in me. Not the other way around. He is the one that constantly attempting and waiting for my mind to change.

 

I was not eagerly awaiting a compliment from him. I am simply confused as to why he is doing this -and if there is attraction, if at all.

 

Sand&Water

 

 

At least he didnt say notin mean

[amber1]

I don't think she ever said anything about meeting him online. It makes a lot more sense if that is part of the story but she never mentioned that. That was what I was confused about.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I can't reveal much of the details about the situation due to privacy reasons. I would like to stay anonymous about this ordeal, altogether.

 

Here are the points I want to address and add:

 

(1) The friendship I share with him hasn't been perfect from the start. There were many hard times, pull-and-push issues, and until now things aren't well grounded due to conflicting views and decisions.

 

(2) I don't know everything about him, and he doesn't know much about me, either. Rather, I have only scratched the surface.

 

(3) I sense, and this has been discussed with him, that he is romantically interested in me! You want to know something, he was the one that asked me out. I have never come onto him. I have never gave him hope of anything romantic ever happening between us!

 

So. Think about it. He is contradicting himself -confusing to say the least. The fact that he didn't say anything about my picture just boggles my mind.

 

And for the record: [Lizzie60 you got this wrong] I am not a superficial person. With that said, and not to sound arrogant, I am attractive -very good looking woman. Others' have made comments ranging from very pretty to drop dead gorgeous and everything positive in between. I know myself.

 

So, the attractive part can't hold true in this case. If he doesn't think that I am, then it is his loss. Not mine. I know that not every guy is going to find me attractive.

 

Back to the confusion: ANY other suggestions as to why is he being like this. Even though he is a genuine guy, and I enjoy his friendship, Should I continue being friends with him?

 

Sand&Water

[uniqueone]

 

(3) I sense, and this has been discussed with him, that he is romantically interested in me! You want to know something, he was the one that asked me out. I have never come onto him. I have never gave him hope of anything romantic ever happening between us!

 

So. Think about it. He is contradicting himself -confusing to say the least. The fact that he didn't say anything about my picture just boggles my mind.

 

And for the record: [Lizzie60 you got this wrong] I am not a superficial person. With that said, and not to sound arrogant, I am attractive -very good looking woman. Others' have made comments ranging from very pretty to drop dead gorgeous and everything positive in between. I know myself.

 

So, the attractive part can't hold true in this case. If he doesn't think that I am, then it is his loss. Not mine. I know that not every guy is going to find me attractive.

 

Back to the confusion: ANY other suggestions as to why is he being like this. Even though he is a genuine guy, and I enjoy his friendship, Should I continue being friends with him?

 

Sand&Water

 

 

Sounds too much like the situation I was in.......

 

Ok, here's my take on it....notice how he's gotten your attention....a LOT now? First you aren't too sure about this guy. Then he doesn't give you feedback when you show him your picture. Your reaction is "well the nerve of this guy! Who does he think he is, ignoring me like that?"

 

This gets your mind working. You'll start to want to do things to make yourself more attractive towards him. It definately got your attention and your interest towards him in higher gear.

 

I'm not saying that he's purposely doing this but at least be aware that there are men out there who do. They know when to act interested and when to pull back to produce the right effect and they do it all flawlessly without missing a beat.

 

You probably didn't have him on your mind quite this much before this happened, did you?

 

Be careful if he's one of these kind of guys.

 

As far as whether or not you should still be friends with him.....I think you want to be more than friends but that there are things that are involved that are keeping you from acknowledging that.

 

I think how he reacted to your picture would bother you too much to be friends with him.

 

A way out of this predicament would be if he would make up for his lack of feedback with some feedback very soon. And that might happen too. He might email you and say something about your "hot" picture. I've had that happen....where I thought the person wasn't interested by their reaction and then later on they showed that they were. He could just be a delayed reactor.

 

Also another thing to keep in mind. He could be getting five other pictures (from others) at the same time as yours and was distracted. No matter how much they sound like they're ONLY talking to you, it doesnt mean that they always are. I've found that out as well.....some even play up their ability to be so sought after by women and are outspoken about it.