XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I've noticed that on some posts here, it's sometimes assumed that if you still have hurt feelings about something someone did to you, that must mean that you still have romantic feelings for the person that wronged you. While in my current position, I still do have feelings for my ex whom I just broke up with, but I can think of instances in the past where I was really wronged by a significant other or a "love interest" and I still kind of feel hurt about things they did that were disrespectful. Why is it assumed that having hurt feelings equates romantic feelings? Just wondering. I can think of guys that in the past have cheated on me and still thinking about that hurts but as far as they go, I would never have any desire to be with them again. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm indifferent to them as people but as for their actions, it still kind of stings me.
wmrjw82 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I'll tell ya what i've noticed from these threads. The women that get treated like **** mourn and chase after real jackasses that use them over and over again and guys like myself who treat a woman with respect and love and actually *don't* leave eventually get stomped on and spit out. It's funny, because looks also seem to have very little to do with it. I think i'm a pretty good looking guy (not to be cocky) and I get run over by a girl who's not going to do better than me in her entire lifetime. (Based on how I feel about her and how I treat her). Sorry if its a little off topic, but the whole damn thing doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I should become the heartless, no feeling wankers that these girls LOVE and I would never get my heartbroken again. Something deep inside tells me that a girl wants a man who doesn't know how to love because they want to "fix" him and show them what love is. When the guys that do understand what love is and can appreciate it and honor it there is no challenge for them so they split. Ladies.... am I on track here?
underpants Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I've noticed that on some posts here, it's sometimes assumed that if you still have hurt feelings about something someone did to you, that must mean that you still have romantic feelings for the person that wronged you. While in my current position, I still do have feelings for my ex whom I just broke up with, but I can think of instances in the past where I was really wronged by a significant other or a "love interest" and I still kind of feel hurt about things they did that were disrespectful. Why is it assumed that having hurt feelings equates romantic feelings? Just wondering. I can think of guys that in the past have cheated on me and still thinking about that hurts but as far as they go, I would never have any desire to be with them again. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm indifferent to them as people but as for their actions, it still kind of stings me. Arrr (talk like a pirate day) I posted a parallel type thread yesterday. I don't dwell or want these people back or in my life but I hear you about the sting or the hurt. For me that is just a lesson (to not be repeated). With a little age on me I have become...maybe just a little jaded in that sometimes I think...oh...you are one of those...as I back away. I don't want to fix anybody too much anymore. At least not someone I consider...totaled (to play with the car analogy I see here sometimes). Sometimes you learn from going through a hard time. You (hopefully) re-evaluate what led you to become attracted to an unhealthy alliance. Then you revise and alter how you go about things in the future. Leave it behind but don't forget what led you there so if you find yourself slipping you can more quickly gain your footing and recognize things. Those that never go through this are bound to repeat it. (from what I have observed) I am very proud of you btw.
tinke Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 just my opinion.... but, i feel that with age, desires change. so perhaps what one may find exciting and adventurous in the younger years, doesn't apply later. i believe with some life experiences, that type of man you had described becomes more appealing. not to say all women feel this way...but later, that honor and integrity has significant meaning...stability. backtoback.. i just believe to have those hurt feelings shows a connection to that person, not always romantic. if they weren't significant to us, we would feel indifferent.
CaliGuy Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I've noticed that on some posts here, it's sometimes assumed that if you still have hurt feelings about something someone did to you, that must mean that you still have romantic feelings for the person that wronged you. Everyone's a closet psychologist and it's very easy to sit back and take shots at someone when they're down. That's the way LS rolls sometimes. Don't let the nay sayers bother you. YOU know how you really feel and that is all that matters.
loveinlife Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I've noticed that on some posts here, it's sometimes assumed that if you still have hurt feelings about something someone did to you, that must mean that you still have romantic feelings for the person that wronged you. While in my current position, I still do have feelings for my ex whom I just broke up with, but I can think of instances in the past where I was really wronged by a significant other or a "love interest" and I still kind of feel hurt about things they did that were disrespectful. Why is it assumed that having hurt feelings equates romantic feelings? Just wondering. I can think of guys that in the past have cheated on me and still thinking about that hurts but as far as they go, I would never have any desire to be with them again. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm indifferent to them as people but as for their actions, it still kind of stings me. Its nice that you can adjust like that. Moving on from the negative, by knowing those people aren't good and finding a new path to start anew. I wish i have those capabilities bc my ex didn't treat me that well but somewhere in my mind i still have some feelings for her. however, im slowly adjusting to the i don't want that girl anymore. gluck on finding your answer. =)
NorCalDave Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Its nice that you can adjust like that. Moving on from the negative, by knowing those people aren't good and finding a new path to start anew. I wish i have those capabilities bc my ex didn't treat me that well but somewhere in my mind i still have some feelings for her. however, im slowly adjusting to the i don't want that girl anymore. gluck on finding your answer. =) Man, I am in the same boat. Feeling better about the "she's bad for me and I'm better off alone" attitude that I am adopting. I know I deserve much better treatment than how my ex treated me, and I know that relationships should never be so one-sided. I can see now that I was a nice-guy doormat, and it got me no where. It accomplished the exact opposite of what I wanted to accomplish- I wanted to be the nice guy who was there for her so she would come back to me...but really, all it did was make her see me more as a friend who could help her. I threw out my needs to fill hers. Now that she's out of my house, I am feeling more and more better about my decision to ask her to leave. For once I stuck up for myself and my feelings. At least she can respect that. At least I can respect that. Also, I am feeling more at ease with being totally alone. Before I would yearn to be with her at night, and would want to call so bad. But now, I am not stressed out on a day to day basis, and while I am alone, I am getting stronger because I am not dependent on anyone else for my happiness. Anyways, just wanted to echo your sentiments!
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I got badly hurt few years back. I think about the hurt more than I think of him. I am over him - for good but all I think about now and then is HOW he hurt me and the things that was said by his mother. I wouldn't go back to him even if he begged me because he's just not worth my time anymore.
carrotgirl Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 You know, I don't like being in the defender role of the guy that just broke my heart but here's what... The not so simple to accept reality for me is this man hasn't wronged me in any way other than telling me he didn't love me and dumping me with absolutely no warning the week before my birthday. Carrot
angie16 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 You know, I don't like being in the defender role of the guy that just broke my heart but here's what... The not so simple to accept reality for me is this man hasn't wronged me in any way other than telling me he didn't love me and dumping me with absolutely no warning the week before my birthday. Carrot The same for me. I can't really move past the fact that he left me. Someone that said he would be by my side forever. And he acts like he is the victim. Its very hard to let that go.
carrotgirl Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Angie - yes! Our relationship was good and it still just didn't make it. In a sense, it's unfair all around in terms of disappointed expectations. That said, he's not the rejected person here. I am. I think that means he has less right to mope and whine and act pitiful. It's so very hard to believe this is my reality now. And hard to remember things change.
angie16 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Angie - yes! Our relationship was good and it still just didn't make it. In a sense, it's unfair all around in terms of disappointed expectations. That said, he's not the rejected person here. I am. I think that means he has less right to mope and whine and act pitiful. It's so very hard to believe this is my reality now. And hard to remember things change. things will change for the better!!! trust me! Its all going to work out. listening to my ex whine today, and blame shift on to me set me in focus. I am better off already!! I could still be there, trying to help him greive, not knowing where i stood in the relationship or if we were still headed in the same direction. it was PAINFULL. As many good times and moments we had, and even though we would talk about the future, he wasn't willing to involve me "emotionally". And thats huge. I'm also the second woman he's done this to. its gonna be ok carrot.
carrotgirl Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Angie this is good to hear. I'm not feeling so hot today.
angie16 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Angie this is good to hear. I'm not feeling so hot today. because with this break up -- you are now available to meet the person you are SUPPOSED to be with. Life is a series of lessons. Some hurt more than others --- but they are lessons. We all learn from them. I know already what i will never do again (never live with another guy without engagement / never lose touch with close friends or not make time for a girls night / never assume enagement without a ring and at least a casual annoucement to his family). I was in love at 26 for the first time. He told me everything i ever wanted to hear from a man. Even though at first we had no chemistry, he grew on me and i soon believed everything he said. When he took me ring shopping after 2 months, and i moved in after 3, i thought i had found that storybook romance that you only hear about. But after 2 years, 2 apartments, 4K worth of furniture, 2 xmas's 2 thanksgivings, birthdays, gifts, poems, flowers, love letters, you name it....he said i "wasn't worth trying to work out anymore". Came home from work casually and said it was over because i was "pushing him too much about marriage" (even though he had been the one all gung ho 2 years before). And as crushed as i have been for the past 3 weeks. I remember how many times i broke down crying at work at friends weddings, and any time i let my brian realize that he was never going to propose to me. Granted he eneded it, but only 3 days after i had a mini breakdown and begged him to just tell me he still wanted me as a wife. He couldnt' answer. And i died inside. Even if you didn't have a real reason or are left with questions and why? why? why? You are already better. TRUST ME. No person that truly loves you , leaves you. period.
marty Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I'll tell ya what i've noticed from these threads. The women that get treated like **** mourn and chase after real jackasses that use them over and over again and guys like myself who treat a woman with respect and love and actually *don't* leave eventually get stomped on and spit out. It's funny, because looks also seem to have very little to do with it. I think i'm a pretty good looking guy (not to be cocky) and I get run over by a girl who's not going to do better than me in her entire lifetime. (Based on how I feel about her and how I treat her). Sorry if its a little off topic, but the whole damn thing doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I should become the heartless, no feeling wankers that these girls LOVE and I would never get my heartbroken again. Something deep inside tells me that a girl wants a man who doesn't know how to love because they want to "fix" him and show them what love is. When the guys that do understand what love is and can appreciate it and honor it there is no challenge for them so they split. Ladies.... am I on track here? i was talking to my friend about this very thing today. it is interesting how the nice guys who are in touch with their feelings and treat women with respect seem to be the ones who get shafted. its hard not to get pessimistic about it all. and about the OP, i think alot of the time we mistake hurt and grief, for love. when we're hurting we're sometimes thinking that we MUST be in love still or we wouldnt hurt so much,,,, maybe ,maybe not. personally i've found i cant trust my feelings when i'm greiving over a loss. still cant. but thinkin of things she did that hurt me deeply, reminds me of all the reasons it didnt work. and that stops me contacting her. why put yourself in harms way again. , just when your getting over it all.
kirikat Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 i was talking to my friend about this very thing today. it is interesting how the nice guys who are in touch with their feelings and treat women with respect seem to be the ones who get shafted. its hard not to get pessimistic about it all. I dont really understand how you can make this one a gender issue.... It seems to me that those of us who tend to be sensitive, wear our hearts on our sleeves etc are the ones who get shafted, regardless of gender. I see my make friends frequently making fools of themselves over women who treat them like dirt. Dating books on the market are specifically COACHING women in how to be bigger bitches.... because it WORKS. Playing it cool, acting like you dont care too much, etc makes you a CHALLENGE, and makes the other party get stupid over you. And honestly, I've noticed that its the guys I'm not into who chase me (where in the past, with other women who are into them, they might have been the bastard).... So, guys, this might not be a man/woman "why dont chicks like nice guys" issue..... because I could say the same - Im a really nice girl, who doesnt play games. Why is it that men prefer the game playing, ball busting bitches over me?
carrotgirl Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 You are already better. TRUST ME. No person that truly loves you , leaves you. period. Sweeping statement alert! Barring the sociopaths who really may equate loving with leaving, or worse, I agree with you there Angie. I had a very long-term relationship that ended a few years ago which was very much a fairy-tale deal. Until it really REALLY wasn't. Now that guy was lying, cheating, abusive scum. I was lucky to get free of him. He still hasn't quite let go despite being the one to leave me all those years ago. Every situation is different. Luckily (did I say that again?) this relationship that just flashed into nothingness was with one of the good guys. I'm not romanticizing his flaws and quirks. Or my own. We had it going on intellectually and physically and seemingly romantically until last week. And now it's over. He doesn't have anything bad to say about me. He wants me in his life. Just not as his girlfriend. It would make this a lot easier if he did have a list of WHAT he thought was wrong with me or us. He doesn't. He said several times this week that we were good together. That I made him happy. He's suffering in there over something I'm sure. That doesn't really help me deal with my losses though. It's very confusing this having no clear bad guy. No obvious tipping point. No major grievances. No animosity other than my hating this whole situation. It would almost be easier to hate him for being a bum. It would be definitive anyway.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 Unders, Thanks for your response. I have a question...do you have an email address I could write to? I would send you a PM but I don't have 50 yet....I understand if you don't want to give it out. I just have something I would really like to write but I don't wanna write it on this site. I feel like you're such an understanding person. Thanks for reading my threads, anyway. =) B2B
wmrjw82 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I dont really understand how you can make this one a gender issue.... It seems to me that those of us who tend to be sensitive, wear our hearts on our sleeves etc are the ones who get shafted, regardless of gender. Okay well i'm calling you out on this kiri because you wrote this in the "OMG What have I done thread" and then proceeded to bash me in my own thread. I found it very ironic of you to do so... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130108/ I've been on her side of the fence before too... where I loved someone with my whole heart, did everything I knew to win them back... and then, when I am finally done, when I have recovered and healed and moved on... THEN they want me. Im not sure if you know this, but that really hurts too. I dont know why men do this.... - kirikat It's BOTH sides hon. I told you in that thread and i'm telling you again in this one. Nobody is trying to start a gender war in here. I feel and understand your hurt so please understand ours. Everyone gets hurt and everyone has their own opinions. Deal with it.
underpants Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Thanks B2B, I think I just relate to where you are at and want to throw some encouragement that you will come out of this...better off. I tried to send you a note. However, it wouldn't let me. Just get your posts up a bit and feel free to pm me if you wish. I don't feel comfortable typing out my email address on a public forum. ....I can recall that I actually had to look through my options and enable the pm option to allow this. So keep that in mind. You don't automatically get the ability to pm, you have to enable it. Good to see you are hanging tough.
marty Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I dont really understand how you can make this one a gender issue.... It seems to me that those of us who tend to be sensitive, wear our hearts on our sleeves etc are the ones who get shafted, regardless of gender. I see my make friends frequently making fools of themselves over women who treat them like dirt. Dating books on the market are specifically COACHING women in how to be bigger bitches.... because it WORKS. Playing it cool, acting like you dont care too much, etc makes you a CHALLENGE, and makes the other party get stupid over you. And honestly, I've noticed that its the guys I'm not into who chase me (where in the past, with other women who are into them, they might have been the bastard).... So, guys, this might not be a man/woman "why dont chicks like nice guys" issue..... because I could say the same - Im a really nice girl, who doesnt play games. Why is it that men prefer the game playing, ball busting bitches over me? im not making it a gender issue. just seeing it from a guys point of view. i , for one, hate game playing, its very disheartening. its just seems to me the more cold you are as a person, the more the opposite gender seems to be willing to put up with it .
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 Thanks. I don't know how to activate PMs. I have tried to before but I don't know what to do. It keeps saying I haven't registered.
underpants Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Try this. My Profile/CP Edit options scroll down and check the box beside 'activate private messaging' scroll further down and Save changes. That should do it. If not you are not allowed maybe you need a few more posts. I figured it out around my post 70-80. Anyway, I am glad to see you holding on and talk to you soon.
SoHotZanzibar Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I got pm's and didn't know I had them! you will have a few settings to set to get going! Haven't got any yet! Don't know if I want any! But time will tell! Good luck!
Geoffrey Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Well.....everyone has something good to bring to the party. Nobody does everything right, but nobody loses all the time, either. I've been hurt too. Maybe one day I will kick those awful memories out of my mind for good....accept that the good ones were wonderful moments...and that if I am courageous enough to step up and love again, there will be more of them. But I know I must go get them. I must go find them. I know I bitch a lot about relationships, but deep down I can't ignore the fact that I've grown in spite of the pain, I am mature enough to clearly articulate my feelings, not run everything through the guy "anger filter," I know when to comfort and not say anything, and I do not withhold any good thing from those I love. What was it someone said to Paris Hilton recently - "don't just serve the time - let the time serve YOU." It takes a lot of courage to step out there again, and make the CHOICE that you won't play those old tapes in your head anymore, and that you won't believe all those nasty things your ex said you were. It is truly a CHOICE. Turn and face those awful things that have been haunting you for so long, and they will shrink back. I do believe that in all of us, even when we are at our worst, there is someone wonderful struggling to get out. Remember that the next time you feel unloved and unworthy. Well, I think all of you are all right!
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