Newtotheblogthing Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I would like to know what you think my ex's motives are.. maybe I need to be hit in the face with the hard truth because I can't seem to let go. My ex and I broke up a few months back after 3 years together. I initiated it, had regrets, waited too long and he has since turned the tables and entered a new relationship with his next door neighbor. It has been stated that he is still in love with me and does think about us but there is too much damage. Now I have to say I hurt him a lot when I ended things.. Now it's coming back to haunt me. I am trying to move on.. slowly. I ended up going to his apt a couple of weeks ago and we slept together. His new girlfriend was asleep next door. I couldn't handle it, kept texting him and making all of the big mistakes. Finally, I stop calling/texting. 5 days later he calls me drunk to "check in". He wants to meet again that night again with the new gf next door,but i decline. (Please note: be are both over 30yrs. old) 2 days later we are in contact and we decide to meet. I cancel at the last minute and my phone blows up" you don't want me anymore" " I really wanted to make love you to you" "Well I guess this is it then" "Please call me". He panicked,I ignored his calls/texts.. then I broke down and we met for a couple of hours. It was incredible. He again told me there is too much damage but of course he still loves me. I am now paying for my decision to be with him. I have so many questions: Why is HE doing this? He is not a cheater as I have stated in previous posts but he is cheating with me! His ex! Does he have doubt about this new relationship and that's why he's with me? Or because I am making it easy? Is HE afraid to let go? I should cut all contact right? I want to know what he could possibly be thinking. He says he is in a relationship (of almost 2 months and that he really likes her), then he calls me. Please just give it to me straight. I need to hear from some of you as I feel like I am going in circles. Banging my head against the brick wall. I know what my motives are and I am back to NC but can anyone shed some light on what he might be thinking? More than likely he will not come back... I know that. Or at least I am trying to know that. I also realize there is another person involved that I don't seem to care about.. the new girlfriend! It's as if she's not real! Thank you so much again! And I am sorry for another post but I really need some feedback.
fabulousgal Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Well, I really don't know why you broke up with him. It is understandable to have regrets about it afterwards. However, maybe it wasn't such a bad decision to leave someone who would be willing to SLEEP with you while he HAS SOMEONE ELSE. It's certainly not fair to you, and REALLY horrid to do to his current gf. Are they intimate yet? If so that is pretty gross of him, and if not don't be surprised if once they start he drops you. I am really sorry that you are going through this. Maybe you should go NC, work on you, and find someone who isn't already in a relationship. Oh and the damage bit, that is bs. There is always damage in relationships, none is perfect, and whatever it was....I'm sure people have worked through a lot more. Hugs.
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 We broke up due to some alcohol/drug issues that have since been addressed and we have both "cleaned up". My hope was that with some time we could start over. It has been a very ROCKY relationship. I guess I wanted to try to make it work, he did as well until about a month ago. And yes, I am sure they are sleeping together. Yeah somehow because he's with me I find it to be a sign of love. Insane! I just can't figure out why if he really wants to move on he keeps me around and goes so far as to sleep with me when I know that when he's committed... he's committed. That's the type of guy he usually is...
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 BTW thank you fabulous gal. Can anyone give me the male perspective???
Izzy B Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 He is using you. He knows you're an easy mark. Yes, he has a girlfriend. To many guys, it doesn't matter, they want sex, they'll take it from someone else whether they have a girlfriend or not. Your best bet is to completely cut off contact, not responding to his texts and calls anymore and move on without him in your life whatsoever. You said yourself there is no chance of him wanting to get back together. The song and dance of your relationship is over, now it is reduced to him satisfying his primitive, bodily needs. Is that what you want to be to him?
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 No. That's not what I want to be but it's obviously what I have reduced myself to.. I guess I have been in the take whatever I can get mode from him. Regardless of how it makes me feel.. I am still hanging on, he knows it and he may be confused as well as I know he loves me but his actions are saying I don't care about you or my girlfriend. I care about me! I am only hurting myself and giving him exactly what he wants. Thanks.
Curious139 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Honestly, keep away from him. No contact. He is using you. His ego is being bolstered and he has the best of both worlds. He can't see that so he isn't necessarily being manipulative but this situation is just wrong. Get away and keep away for the sake of your health. You'll be glad even if it takes 3 months to finally feel good about yourself. You will heal and know you did the right thing.
Jmina Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Oh my god. walk away now. this guy is treating you like bs! having sex with you AND his gf.... he is using you obviously. if he wanted you for the real deal he wouldnt be with his girlfriend. he is having his cake and eating it too. i can see how easy it is to get caught up in this and mistake it all for love and that one day he might wake up... but if you continue to let him treat you this way it wont happen. he doesnt love you enough to be with you. if he loved you enough he woudnt treat you this way. sure you have great sex and hes attracted to you and cares for you but thats about as far as it goes. if he was in love he wouldnt be doing this. go strict NC. concentrate on you by doing the things that you love. when you feel weak and want to contact do something else call a close friend, write him a letter (but dont send it) do anything untill the time passes. it will pass and then you will be glad you didnt contact him. if you can sit through the hard time of wanting to contact and do something instead you know you can do it everytime it comes up. just wait it out. it will leave. cry your heart out, punch a pillow, do anything just dont contact him. you deserve someone who will be wiht you and only you, someone who will cradle your heart and soul and see you as wonderful as you are. not as an easy booty call. goodluck with nc and looking afteryourself keep posting! Jmina
Jmina Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Oh and a word about letting go. you dont have to know how to let go, when to let go, or even why to let go. the key TO letting is... "i am WILLING to let go" key word -willing. if you are willing to let go, then the rest will eventually take care of its self. tell yourself everyday i am willing to let go because i am a respectful amazing woman who deserves to be free of him. i am willing to let go" a word about forgiving your ex. its the same deal you dont have to know how to forgive him, you dont have to want to forgive him.. but you have to be willing for it to work i am willing to forgive *insert name* close your eyes and imagine him up on a stage under a spot light, now imagine good things happening to him, something that you know would be meaning ful to him, watch him be elated then let the image fade till its gone. then visualise the same thing for yourself. see yourself up there, something wondeful happening to you. and tell your self i am willing to forgive him. If you are willing then the rest in time will happen. goodluck. keep posting
Becker7 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I've lived through your situation for an on going 2 year "unhealthy reunion" with my ex. It's now been 6 years since I've had any contact with him. It will be one of the hardest things you do but you need to do it for you! Hanging on to the past for me prevented me from dating and finding anyone else - which I deserved and needed to do! I moved 6 states away - cold turkey! My advice... start fresh! No phone calls, no texting, NO SEX! If your ex is like mine, he tries desperatley to track me down, telling mutal frinds to tell me he loves me (even though he's now married with children!) and that staying in touch reminds him of what could have been. I'm been in a great marriage for 3 years and am very happy. The mention of his name still gives me butterflies but no good ever comes from the "ex factor". Best of luck - you can do this!!
Jmina Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Becker7... 6 years and you still think of him and his name gives you butterflies?? :S are you truly happy now or 2nd best happy? i dont know your story at all and i dont want to affend you. those two statements bellow just jumped out at me. If your ex is like mine, he tries desperatley to track me down, telling mutal frinds to tell me he loves me The mention of his name still gives me butterflies explain a lil jmina
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 Becker 7 you were doing this back and forth thing for 2 years? Like you guys said, he is not showing me love and I am putting myself in a position to be hurt even further. He always put me me first, protected and loved me. I did the same for him but now it seems I am willing to be something less just to have him in my life. In fact, I just got a text from him right this second. He wants me to send him a "photo", have a little fun while we are at work... if you know what i mean. He is just used to having me around and i know he doesn't want to hurt me but I am letting him. I initially did the same thing.. I am ignoring the text! AND I am going to do my best to take your advice. Thank you again, I REALLY appreciate it.
oppath Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 What do you mean he doesn't want to hurt you? Everybody knows that you can't have sex with someone you love and want a relationship with who doesn't love or want a relationship with you without the possibility of imbuing serious damage to the person who wants more. Maybe he is not trying to hurt you, but he is certainly not acting loving towards you, because someone who cared about you wouldn't put you in a potential emotional compromising situation. He'd want you to heal and move on so you could find the relationship you deserve, the one he couldn't give you. If I break up with a girl, and I knew she was hurt and wanted more, she could offer me her va-jay-jay on a silver platter and I'd tell her "NO. I care about you too much to use you for sex, even if you are willing, it is dangerous for you emotionally because I know you want more. I want you to heal and move on so you can find someone who can give you what I could not. Why would you want to be intimate with someone you love who doesn't love you in return?"
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