is it over after 3 months??

[bish]

Well, because she was a selfish, dirty, rotten whore... always was and always will be. Come on Cobra, you should know that by now.

 

Bish is a bitter, unhappy person who is full of hate and projects that on all cheaters regardless of their situation or circumstances.

 

Oh?...I didn't know there was a circumstance where cheating was perfectly acceptable and honorable.

 

He could use a little therapy himself (just trying to help). I put him in my ignore list. He ought to be proud. He's the only one in there.

 

I am...spoke too much truth for you and bam...I'm ignored. I consider it an honor.

 

I have found little or no value in anything he posts. He isn't trying to help. He is only spewing hatred. Of course I am a selfish, dirty, rotten cheater, who is destined to be one til the end of my days.

 

On the contrary...you wanted to know what you should do...and I told you....divorce your wife so she can move on...but you didn't like that advice, so you decided it had no value since you obviously only care about yourself.

[rechan01]

Well either way- all of the advice and words of wisdom have helped me alot. Just to clear it up for you, Bish, I did not drive him to work- it was all a lie, he didn't need a ride, he didn't wreck his car, everything took place at his house. Not that I feel like I'm justifying anything, I just wanted you, Bish, to understand. It's not fishy (well apart from the obvious)- I went over there and it turned out he had just said he'd wrecked his car & needed a ride so that I would go over there.

 

My husband has already told me that he wants to put it behind him and forgive me, and forgive his brother. There is a difference between fickle people who sleep around or have continuous affairs, and someone who screwed up once and has never dreamed of doing anything again. I am the latter...I love my husband more than anything and quite frankly, Bish, on the darkest days have contemplated suicide over this. I have overcome those thoughts but I have felt immensley guilty about it and remorseful. In fact, I have wondered if I deserve to be happy with him, or with anyone. This isn't some frothy soap opera, nor is it the same situation that any of you can imagine, because it's extreme.

 

People make mistakes and everyone in this world has done something that they later regret. I have been trying to forgive myself since the day it happened; and I came on here to seek people who have similar experiences...

[annabelle75]

Well either way- all of the advice and words of wisdom have helped me alot. Just to clear it up for you, Bish, I did not drive him to work- it was all a lie, he didn't need a ride, he didn't wreck his car, everything took place at his house. Not that I feel like I'm justifying anything, I just wanted you, Bish, to understand. It's not fishy (well apart from the obvious)- I went over there and it turned out he had just said he'd wrecked his car & needed a ride so that I would go over there.

 

My husband has already told me that he wants to put it behind him and forgive me, and forgive his brother. There is a difference between fickle people who sleep around or have continuous affairs, and someone who screwed up once and has never dreamed of doing anything again. I am the latter...I love my husband more than anything and quite frankly, Bish, on the darkest days have contemplated suicide over this. I have overcome those thoughts but I have felt immensley guilty about it and remorseful. In fact, I have wondered if I deserve to be happy with him, or with anyone. This isn't some frothy soap opera, nor is it the same situation that any of you can imagine, because it's extreme.

 

People make mistakes and everyone in this world has done something that they later regret. I have been trying to forgive myself since the day it happened; and I came on here to seek people who have similar experiences...

 

One mistake doesn't mean you don't have the right to be happy. Its good its all out in the open now. Perhaps now you can both put it behind you and it will not be this nagging dark secret casting a shadow over your marriage.

[Lizzie60]

If this is true... I say that your mistake was to tell your husband...

 

You should have burried that secret.. move on... do as if nothing had happened...

 

And tell your husband that you were going to help him for a little while ONLY... it's your house too... not just your husband's...

 

Maybe nothing would have gone wrong... and you wouldn't be where you are now...

 

You should have listenened to your counsellor... I think he was right...

[Mustang Sally]

If this is true... I say that your mistake was to tell your husband...

 

You should have burried that secret.. move on... do as if nothing had happened...

I have agreed with burying secrets in certain circumstances...but this would not be one of them.

The dude she slept with is her H's BROTHER! Talk about keeping it in the family...

 

I think that's waaaaaay too close for comfort to try 'burying.' But hey - I have no actual real-life experience in matters such as these, just giving opinions.

 

To the OP -

Good luck with your H. You have gotten some good solid advice, above on ways to try to prove your (now) trustworthiness to your H. I hope it works out for you.

[bish]

Well either way- all of the advice and words of wisdom have helped me alot. Just to clear it up for you, Bish, I did not drive him to work- it was all a lie, he didn't need a ride, he didn't wreck his car, everything took place at his house. Not that I feel like I'm justifying anything, I just wanted you, Bish, to understand.

 

Ok...you got there...found out he was lying...yet you stayed rather than turning around and walking out the door.

Yet you felt compelled to stay there for some reason? It wasn't because you were scared of him...if you were scared of him all you had to do was turn around and walk out the door...if he was wasted he would have fallen all over the place like the wasted drunk you say he was if he tried to follow you.

 

My husband has already told me that he wants to put it behind him and forgive me, and forgive his brother. There is a difference between fickle people who sleep around or have continuous affairs, and someone who screwed up once and has never dreamed of doing anything again.

 

????...I thought you said you did it because he kept on you about having sex and you feared his dunken state? Therefore it was rape...right?

 

Either it was rape, or you did it willingly...which is it?

[bish]

One mistake doesn't mean you don't have the right to be happy..

 

I agree...but it may not be with the person that was betrayed by the "mistake".

[bish]

If this is true... I say that your mistake was to tell your husband...

 

You should have burried that secret.. move on... do as if nothing had happened...

 

Uh...only one problem with that....she did it with his brother. Whats to say his brother won't slip up and tell him and there she was caught in deception.

 

And his brother more than likely would have spilled the beans sooner or later in one of his drunken stupors.

[whichwayisup]

Sooner or later the brother would have spilled it, so it was better that SHE told her husband first. She'd more than likely be OUT of the marriage if the bro had her husband... I agree with Bish on that one 100%, especially if they're close and drink, hang out together. Guys talk and stuff just comes out whether it's intentional or not.

 

My husband has already told me that he wants to put it behind him and forgive me, and forgive his brother. There is a difference between fickle people who sleep around or have continuous affairs, and someone who screwed up once and has never dreamed of doing anything again.

 

All you can do then is make sure HE knows how much you regret it, how sorry you are and that you're willing to do all that it takes to fix things and regain his trust.

 

The only problem I can see right off the bat, he'll NEVER trust you and his brother to be around eachother, so it is best to just stay away from the brother. No talking to him, nothing...And, if the brother tries to talk to you, email or call you, TELL your husband as soon as it happens.

 

Seek some counselling for yourself, go to marriage counselling.

[Cobra_X30]

Because she is fickle. She can't handle being with the same person for extended periods of time. She likes attention from other guys no matter how much she gets at home. She is even cheating on the guy she is with now...and the thing is...he isn't like me...he'll backhand her when he finds out.

 

and if you are trying to insinuate I cause it....sorry pal...she never met all of my needs, but you didn't see me going out and cheating.

 

bottom line...I got rid of a wh0re and I'm happy as can be about that.

 

2 things!

 

1. If she is really that kind of a trashy nasty girl... why did you marry her in the first place? Where you that blind?

 

2. I want you to realize that not all women are like your wife... save your anger for her. As for your culpability in her cheating... I agree its not your fault. However, I can say with a strong certainty that you were not perfect... and you need to come to terms with the things you did wrong. Part of that is the way you deal with your anger!

[bish]

2 things!

 

1. If she is really that kind of a trashy nasty girl... why did you marry her in the first place? Where you that blind?

 

absolutely...I was that blind. had no idea she was that fickle. Its amazing what you find out from people AFTER they find out you are getting divorced. They come out of the woodwork to tell you all the rotten things they did while you were together.

 

I'm only like, why in the hell didn't yall tell me this years ago???

 

 

2. I want you to realize that not all women are like your wife... save your anger for her.

 

I know all women are not like her. but ones that cheat are.

 

 

As for your culpability in her cheating... I agree its not your fault. However, I can say with a strong certainty that you were not perfect... and you need to come to terms with the things you did wrong. Part of that is the way you deal with your anger!

 

NOBODY is perfect. I realize that. NOBODY meets ALL of their SO's needs. And knowing that and applying it with your logic, everyone will cheat.

 

hell...if that was the case, and I was a cheater, I'd have slept with 50 women. But I didn't. some people can handle it when not every little thing goes their way...some can.

[ookla_2]

I agree...but it may not be with the person that was betrayed by the "mistake".

 

I think this is a very good point. Sometimes the hurt is too much, and we cannot "un-do" it. That does not mean that the person who makes a mistake, especially if it's a one-time, totally out of character mistake, does not deserve to go on and live a happy life. However, it may mean that they will have to do it without the person that was hurt by their actions.

 

I'm glad your H is working on forgiving you. It's going to be an uphill battle for awhile, I hope you realize that. AND, if he is capable of also forgiving his brother, keep in mind that this will make for some EXTREMELY awkward family gatherings for a while. Does the rest of his family know about this yet? Because it's likely that they all will. Are you ready to deal with that?

[rechan01]

I'm glad your H is working on forgiving you. It's going to be an uphill battle for awhile, I hope you realize that. AND, if he is capable of also forgiving his brother, keep in mind that this will make for some EXTREMELY awkward family gatherings for a while. Does the rest of his family know about this yet? Because it's likely that they all will. Are you ready to deal with that?

 

 

Well I think that is one of the worst aspects to all of this. I hate that things can't go right back to normal...that is a selfish thing to say, but I wish we could just wake up one day and feel good about everything and be happy again.

My husband and I have always had such a fun, warm, understanding relationship. His sister and I were always very close, and I'm pretty sure she must know because she hasn't called me since I spilled the beans.

 

My mom told me something recently, she said, "Would you rather live with your husband that you adore, and have to face awkward family gatherings for a few years once or twice a year, or would you rather live without your husband?" I don't want to feel like a horrible dog when I go to family parties...and wonder who's judging me. His brother is totally going to get off scott-free...and he (just so you know) has been to jail 2 times for beating up girlfriends, has had several DUIs to the point of his license being taken away and also is a drug-addict. I think he's trying to turn his life around...and you know, no matter what, his family has always stuck by his side- jail, drugs, violence, drunk driving, and all.

But clearly, if my husband is giving me a chance...it's because he knows who his brother is and he knows who I am. I'll DEAL with awkwardness. I would go through just about anything for him... not just any man would have stayed with me through this. I am aware of how fortunate I am.

Of course, everyday that I wake up I feel so lucky that he is still by my side, and I worry most of the day that he might change his mind.

 

A few years ago I was depressed and as I mentioned in these posts, I have always been hesitant to call it rape and still am not sure if I would call it rape, but there are some that consider any mental coercion or insistence rape. I am aware that I could have walked out and didn't. At that time in my life I was like a lost person- trying to get out of a depression caused by many things, including a lack of self-confidence and childhood issues...but I was wanting to go in the right direction. And I have been going in that direction since being with my husband. In fact, after we got together, I really got it together- I am now in law school, we have bought a house, and am trying to be the best person I can be.

 

I will stay and fight any battles I have to with him...I'm just worried that his brother is going to go against me, and like you said...his family just might hate me. He's already trying to make it look like he was an innocent bystander in all of this, which is complete bull. If it weren't for him I NEVER EVER would have gone to his house or ever imagined doing anything with him. I hate that moment in my life, I wish it could just be erased. It's a sick thing to think about.

 

But I am not a bad person, or a pathological cheater. I have never even thought about cheating on him at all... you have to keep in mind that we had just barely begun dating when all this happened, and it was years ago. We were NOT married and his work was taking him on long travels, and at that time, they were considering moving his position to another country. I think some of you are reading this like I have been having an affair with my brother in law behind my husband's back and that is not the case. It was a once thing, and never happened again.

[rechan01]

Maybe nothing would have gone wrong... and you wouldn't be where you are now...

You should have listenened to your counsellor... I think he was right...

 

Lizzie, I so wish you were right. And I tried to live that lie for a couple of years. Things like that eat at your soul. Before his brother freeloaded off of us, I thought I had it under control. But then when I had to look at his face on a daily basis I just couldn't handle it. In fact, one day I said to him, "You make me uncomfortable and I think you really need to start looking for your own place now." And he looked at me with this puzzled face, and said, "Why???? Why are you uncomfortable?"

 

I believed for so long that telling my husband- if he would never find out -telling him just to alleviate my own guilt was a terrible thing to do. Why break someone's heart (ignorance is bliss, what someone doesn't know won't hurt him, etc.etc.) if it can be avoided?

 

I also considered his family. His family is very tight-knit and very supportive of one another. There are 5 brothers and sisters and they have always leaned on each other. I knew that if I told my husband it could rip his family into shreds. So, I got on message boards, saw a counselor, and followed their advice- "Take this to the grave with you..." they said.

 

But then everyday I wondered- has his brother said anything? Will he? And I constantly worried about that. Sometimes I still wish I could go back to that night when I told him and lied, but he asked me point blank if something had happened between us and I knew I couldn't lie to my husband. What happened was bad enough...I couldn't lie point blank to him. Or live that lie.

[Cobra_X30]

How was your relationship with the brother before this incident? and how has it been afterwards?

 

Also, have you seen any indications of how your husbands family is really taking this? You have a long way to go on this and I'm not going to lie its going to be really, really tough!

[annabelle75]

A few years ago I was depressed and as I mentioned in these posts, I have always been hesitant to call it rape and still am not sure if I would call it rape, but there are some that consider any mental coercion or insistence rape. I am aware that I could have walked out and didn't. At that time in my life I was like a lost person- trying to get out of a depression caused by many things, including a lack of self-confidence and childhood issues...but I was wanting to go in the right direction. And I have been going in that direction since being with my husband. In fact, after we got together, I really got it together- I am now in law school, we have bought a house, and am trying to be the best person I can be.

 

The bolded statemant above pretty much says that anytime a man convinces a woman to have sex it is rape. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you were not raped. You made a bad choice. It doesn't matter if you were in a bad emotional place at the time, it doesn't mean you were raped.

 

I think bish's main contention with you is that you seemed to try to excuse what you did by placing the blame on the brother and "crying rape." I take offense to it as an actual rape survivor. Do you have any idea how many rape victims are not taken seriously by the police because they are so many false rape accusations made each year? Just becasue you rergretted your choice afterwards or even during does not mean he raped you. You need to take responsibility for your own choices.

[rechan01]

I think bish's main contention with you is that you seemed to try to excuse what you did by placing the blame on the brother and "crying rape." I take offense to it as an actual rape survivor. Do you have any idea how many rape victims are not taken seriously by the police because they are so many false rape accusations made each year? Just becasue you rergretted your choice afterwards or even during does not mean he raped you. You need to take responsibility for your own choices.

 

Actually, I never cried rape, and I've said several times that it was suggested by my counselor...I never went to the police and have said several times that I am aware I could have walked out.

As an attorney, I am aware of defenses to rape and what the logical claims are.

 

I'd like to repeat- I have not cried rape, I just mentioned that it was suggested by my counselor. I have accepted responsibility for what happened!

[rechan01]

Cobra- my relationship with the brother before and after has been me, pretending like nothing happened and burying it deep within my psyche.

 

Their other brother came to me crying after it happened (after I spilled the beans, that is), and told me that no matter what he would always be my friend. He's not on anyone's side and we've always been very good friends. His sister, as I mentioned, has not called me at all since I spilled the beans, and I don't know if she knows.

 

In fact, what drives me crazy is that I don't know who knows what, if anyone knows anything it is not through me or my husband.

 

I haven't seen the brother that I slept with since he was kicked out of the house, since I told my husband.

 

Honestly...I sometimes wonder how it's all going to work out. I know that over time, things can work themselves out and time heals all. But I just wonder if I can stand feeling being judged all the time..

[annabelle75]

Actually, I never cried rape, and I've said several times that it was suggested by my counselor...I never went to the police and have said several times that I am aware I could have walked out.

As an attorney, I am aware of defenses to rape and what the logical claims are.

 

I'd like to repeat- I have not cried rape, I just mentioned that it was suggested by my counselor. I have accepted responsibility for what happened!

 

Good. Based on your intital post that wasn't really clear and made your other posts about feeling guilty not really make sense.

 

I know things seem pretty overwhleming right now, I think you can still get through this. It happened many years ago before you were married, so I honestly believe in time it will be water under the bridge. Don't let anyone convince you it was an unforgivable sin. We all make mistakes.

[ookla_2]

Well I think that is one of the worst aspects to all of this. I hate that things can't go right back to normal...that is a selfish thing to say, but I wish we could just wake up one day and feel good about everything and be happy again.

 

I know that feeling. It won't be that quick, and there will be times of him back-sliding into anger about it, but if he is truly willing to work on it, you will get back to being happy together.

 

My husband and I have always had such a fun, warm, understanding relationship. His sister and I were always very close, and I'm pretty sure she must know because she hasn't called me since I spilled the beans.

 

You probably will be getting a phone call from her soon...just be ready.

 

 

My mom told me something recently, she said, "Would you rather live with your husband that you adore, and have to face awkward family gatherings for a few years once or twice a year, or would you rather live without your husband?" Your mom has a very good point. I don't want to feel like a horrible dog when I go to family parties...and wonder who's judging me. His brother is totally going to get off scott-free...and he (just so you know) has been to jail 2 times for beating up girlfriends, has had several DUIs to the point of his license being taken away and also is a drug-addict. I think he's trying to turn his life around...and you know, no matter what, his family has always stuck by his side- jail, drugs, violence, drunk driving, and all.

 

I'm sure he has done things to disappoint them in the past...and they probably expect this reckless behavior from him. But he's family, and family usually sticks by each other.

 

But clearly, if my husband is giving me a chance...it's because he knows who his brother is and he knows who I am. I'll DEAL with awkwardness. I would go through just about anything for him... not just any man would have stayed with me through this. I am aware of how fortunate I am.

Of course, everyday that I wake up I feel so lucky that he is still by my side, and I worry most of the day that he might change his mind.

 

That worry, or the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" will last for a while too. It will pass eventually, but it will take a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of understanding.

 

A few years ago I was depressed and as I mentioned in these posts, I have always been hesitant to call it rape and still am not sure if I would call it rape, but there are some that consider any mental coercion or insistence rape. I am aware that I could have walked out and didn't. At that time in my life I was like a lost person- trying to get out of a depression caused by many things, including a lack of self-confidence and childhood issues...but I was wanting to go in the right direction. And I have been going in that direction since being with my husband. In fact, after we got together, I really got it together- I am now in law school, we have bought a house, and am trying to be the best person I can be.

 

That's all any of us can do. I wouldn't even throw the "r" word out there, and I question any therapist who would. But I do understand depression and doing irrational things while in the middle of one.

 

I will stay and fight any battles I have to with him...I'm just worried that his brother is going to go against me, and like you said...his family just might hate me. He's already trying to make it look like he was an innocent bystander in all of this, which is complete bull. If it weren't for him I NEVER EVER would have gone to his house or ever imagined doing anything with him. I hate that moment in my life, I wish it could just be erased. It's a sick thing to think about.

 

Oh, his brother WILL DEFINITELY go against you. Now that it's all out in the open, he will willingly throw you under the bus to get back in his brother's good graces. I hope you and your husband have discussed this, and will communicate openly about what his brother is telling him and why.

 

But I am not a bad person, or a pathological cheater. I have never even thought about cheating on him at all... you have to keep in mind that we had just barely begun dating when all this happened, and it was years ago. We were NOT married and his work was taking him on long travels, and at that time, they were considering moving his position to another country. I think some of you are reading this like I have been having an affair with my brother in law behind my husband's back and that is not the case. It was a once thing, and never happened again.

 

I don't think you are a bad person. What matters, though, is that your husband doesn't think you're a bad person. It seems like he is a pretty understanding kind of person. He's been thrown for a loop, but has exhibited a desire to stay with you and work past it. You are quite fortunate, and I'm sure you will learn a very valuable lesson from this. I wish you the best.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra- my relationship with the brother before and after has been me, pretending like nothing happened and burying it deep within my psyche.

 

Their other brother came to me crying after it happened (after I spilled the beans, that is), and told me that no matter what he would always be my friend. He's not on anyone's side and we've always been very good friends. His sister, as I mentioned, has not called me at all since I spilled the beans, and I don't know if she knows.

 

In fact, what drives me crazy is that I don't know who knows what, if anyone knows anything it is not through me or my husband.

 

I haven't seen the brother that I slept with since he was kicked out of the house, since I told my husband.

 

Honestly...I sometimes wonder how it's all going to work out. I know that over time, things can work themselves out and time heals all. But I just wonder if I can stand feeling being judged all the time..

 

No things dont just go away over time... in fact many times they fester and boil. It takes work and effort to fix things like this. You need to have a strong heart and no fear to make this work.

 

And you will be judged! Expect that! Provided you are truely remorseful, and demonstrate that in a consistant and correct manner they will stop seeing you in a poor light!

 

Remember that at this point it looks like you did this and then lied and hid it until you got worried the brother would come clean on you! Thats how the family will view this. Becuase they are not going to want to believe that he could do this to his brother. It doesnt seem fair but thats the way poeple work.

 

Its odd that the 2nd brother would come crying to you to offer his support... what kind of relationship do you have with all these brothers?

[rechan01]

His youngest brother actually got into drugs with the other brother who has all the problems for a time. He came to us and we talked to him about cleaning up his act before it was too late. He went back to school and in fact, we had his 20th birthday party at our house and I made his cake and homemade pizzas, and the day that he cried with me he just said that I've always been good to him and he will be sad if we get a divorce. He is very sensitive and relies on my husband alot, and we have both been there for him.

 

You know, to me, everything would be picture-perfect had my mistake not happened... I get along (or used to...) with his entire family and have been there for them for everything. For example, when my H's sister had to go to the hospital with the 3 month old baby, I was the one who kept her other 2 kids while everyone else was at the hospital. When their other sister slipped and fell, I was the one to go pick up her car and drop off CDs and DVDs for her to have while she was in the hospital...

 

It is almost counter-intuitive that these problems are occurring...I kick myself because I have loved being a part of their family. I think that is one of my biggest fears- what will we do at holidays? birthdays? I have already suggested going to visit with my side of the family. But what about next year?

 

We actually HAD Christmas at our house last year... and it was just perfect. Now things couldn't be more different.

 

Do you think it would be ridiculous to want to talk to his brother? With my husband? The one thing my husband said when I asked him how we could handle things in the future was that if we had told him truth a long time ago about what happened he might care about how we reacted to each other when the family was all together. But now, he says, he doesn't care...and that it's not his problem to deal with. He also said that he is aware that his brother may or may not admit any wrongdoing but he doesn't want to talk about any of it with me anymore. He said he knows enough and is sick of talking about it, because it makes him sick. But I feel like we need to talk about how he'll react if/when his brother starts misconstruing the facts...how could I go about that?

 

My best girlfriend told me that I probably wouldn't get the result I want if I wanted to talk to his brother...he is so shady that it would be a big mistake. But sometimes I think things will never get back to normal if someone doesn't talk to him...but if my H talks to him I know that he'll either make things up or stretch the truth...he would ruin our marriage if it would save his face.

[bish]

I think bish's main contention with you is that you seemed to try to excuse what you did by placing the blame on the brother and "crying rape." I take offense to it as an actual rape survivor. Do you have any idea how many rape victims are not taken seriously by the police because they are so many false rape accusations made each year? Just becasue you rergretted your choice afterwards or even during does not mean he raped you. You need to take responsibility for your own choices.

 

We are not talking about someone here who says she was physically forced to have sex with this drunken slob. She didn't "cry rape"...only insinuates that somehow she had no choice. She didn't say he forced her to do anything...she said that she had sex with him because he wouldn't drop it as an issue.

 

And why the hell would she let this "rapist" into her home?

 

she wasn't taken seriously because she never said it was rape to begin with...although she keeps changing her story.

 

If you were truly raped and told the truth and called it what it is, my heart goes out to you especially if you were not believed.

 

But that is not the case here. You are assuming this brother raped her and what she has stated indicates nothing of the sort.

[bish]

Good. Based on your intital post that wasn't really clear and made your other posts about feeling guilty not really make sense.

 

And that was my point all along.

[Cobra_X30]

 

Do you think it would be ridiculous to want to talk to his brother? With my husband? The one thing my husband said when I asked him how we could handle things in the future was that if we had told him truth a long time ago about what happened he might care about how we reacted to each other when the family was all together. But now, he says, he doesn't care...and that it's not his problem to deal with. He also said that he is aware that his brother may or may not admit any wrongdoing but he doesn't want to talk about any of it with me anymore. He said he knows enough and is sick of talking about it, because it makes him sick. But I feel like we need to talk about how he'll react if/when his brother starts misconstruing the facts...how could I go about that?

 

My best girlfriend told me that I probably wouldn't get the result I want if I wanted to talk to his brother...he is so shady that it would be a big mistake. But sometimes I think things will never get back to normal if someone doesn't talk to him...but if my H talks to him I know that he'll either make things up or stretch the truth...he would ruin our marriage if it would save his face.

 

No, everything you say to his family is going to sound like lies and damage control. If your Husband wont say it for you then there is nothing for you to say. Serious! Do not get defensive in any way! Admit what you did was wrong...

 

I know you want to do damage control so bad it hurts... but its only going to make you look like your not taking responsibility. Let your BIL say what he wants, keep your head down. You've told your H the absolute whole truth right? If so you should not have anything to fear at all because your story will not change...

 

What is your family like? Do they know about this situation? I assume something with your family is the reason you have attached to your H's family so strongly.

 

Also, I'm wondering why your H's brother felt that this was something he could do. Most guys wont come on to you that strong unless he felt some kind of bond... and I am absolutely not saying you intentionally asked for him to come on to you like that. It's just helpful in seeing his mindset at the time... which will determine how he will spin this with his family!