is it over after 3 months??

[rechan01]

So...I feel extremely desperate, complete with stomach cramps and overall depression and would welcome and embrace any and all advice...here's my story...

 

Nearly 3 years ago I met my husband, and we started off casually dating, since we both had just gotten out of bad relationships. During that time, his brother called me one morning saying that he'd wrecked his car and needed a ride to work. When I showed up to give him a ride he was obviously wasted, and began trying to talk me into having sex with him. I told him no, but he kept asking and in fear because of his drugged or drunken state I eventually gave in. It was awful- and took place years ago. Afterwards, I sought counseling and eventually healed and forgave myself.

 

Meanwhile, my husband and I continued dating, and I never told him and he never found out. In fact, my counselor advised me that if he wouldn't find out, there was no reason to tell him simply out of guilt, because it was a mistake and it was over, and there was no reason to rip his life apart.

 

So- fastforward to now, 3 years later. We just got married this past summer, and his brother got into big trouble with the law and had no place to go, so we took him in at our house. As I had gone to counseling and gotten over what had happened, I believed that I could handle it. But as the months were dragging on, and he was still on our couch (and disrespectful) I ended up telling my husband that I needed him to be gone, and then, told him what had happened between us 3 years ago.

 

Needless to say, he freaked out. I actually told him about it a month ago...and we've had some ups and downs, but he hasn't left me. He kicked his brother out and hadn't spoken to him...until yesterday... when he told me that he felt like in order to get over everything and put it behind him, he needed to call his brother and try to forgive him.

 

His brother, in turn, is now putting this on me. He told him that I said never to tell him, and I know that if they continue to talk, he is going to misconstrue the entire ordeal. My husband told me that he would never know who to believe.

 

Can I live my life like this? I know and admit that I made a mistake by not telling him way before now. But I don't feel like I deserve to not be believed. And I don't think a marriage functions like that. I feel like his brother is going to put himself in the best light possible- and either stretch the truth or lie entirely.

 

My counselor told me that what happened to me was considered rape- but of course his brother says that it wasn't that. I just feel like I'm in the worst situation possible. I love my husband and we have always gotten along so well and had such good times together...but this is such a sour, nasty thing to have between us...

Is it worth it? Or do you think that we don't have a chance?

Thanks for any words of wisdom...

[bish]

So...I feel extremely desperate, complete with stomach cramps and overall depression and would welcome and embrace any and all advice...here's my story...

 

Nearly 3 years ago I met my husband, and we started off casually dating, since we both had just gotten out of bad relationships. During that time, his brother called me one morning saying that he'd wrecked his car and needed a ride to work. When I showed up to give him a ride he was obviously wasted, and began trying to talk me into having sex with him. I told him no, but he kept asking and in fear because of his drugged or drunken state I eventually gave in.

 

ya right. You didn't give in because the guy was drunk, you gave in because you wanted to. who gives in to someone wanting to have sex simply, and for the only reason, that they are drunk?

 

I ended up telling my husband that I needed him to be gone, and then, told him what had happened between us 3 years ago.

 

Needless to say, he freaked out. I actually told him about it a month ago...and we've had some ups and downs, but he hasn't left me. He kicked his brother out and hadn't spoken to him...until yesterday... when he told me that he felt like in order to get over everything and put it behind him, he needed to call his brother and try to forgive him.

 

His brother, in turn, is now putting this on me. He told him that I said never to tell him, and I know that if they continue to talk, he is going to misconstrue the entire ordeal. My husband told me that he would never know who to believe.

 

And rightfully so. I say your H needs to disown the both of you.

 

Can I live my life like this? I know and admit that I made a mistake by not telling him way before now. But I don't feel like I deserve to not be believed.

 

wrong...you absolutely DESERVE to not be believed. You kept this secret from him for years...in a sense, letting him live a lie that he was with someone that was true to him. I mean my god...if you would sleep with his own damn brother, and the excuse was because he was drunk and wouldn't let it go, then you really will hop quickly in the sack with a guy that you are attracted to that won't take no for an answer.

 

so no, you do NOT deserve to be believed. Cheating is lying..I don't care that you came clean with it years later.

 

And I don't think a marriage functions like that.

 

A marriage doesn't function when one person isn't trustworthy either.

A marriage doesn't function when one person cheats...whether it was before or during the marriage...I can vouch for that one first hand.

 

I feel like his brother is going to put himself in the best light possible- and either stretch the truth or lie entirely.

 

Then your husband would be a fool to think either of you have the "best light possible" shining on you. You both betrayed him. Doesn't matter whose fault it was....his brother's dick was inside of you when you had a committment to him...thats all he needs to know.

 

My counselor told me that what happened to me was considered rape- but of course his brother says that it wasn't that.

 

i'd say the counselor is full of crap. All the guy did was keep asking to have sex...you didn't say that he told you he was going to beat the crap out of you if you didn't. You just gave in because he wouldn't shut up about it.

 

I just feel like I'm in the worst situation possible. I love my husband and we have always gotten along so well and had such good times together...but this is such a sour, nasty thing to have between us...

Is it worth it? Or do you think that we don't have a chance?

Thanks for any words of wisdom...

 

Honestly, no...you don't have a chance. Maybe, just maybe, if this guy was someone your H didn't know...he may be able to forgive you, but never forget.

 

But this was his own damn brother for pete's sake..no matter how much of a loser he is. So for that, I don't know how he can forgive either of you really. Everytime he sees his brother now, he will be reminded of what you did.

 

I'd prepare for a divorce. Not saying that to be mean, even though I know I am harsh on people who cheat...but you have to look at the circumstances...it was you and his brother. Not good.

[bish]

So...I feel extremely desperate, complete with stomach cramps and overall depression and would welcome and embrace any and all advice...here's my story...

 

Nearly 3 years ago I met my husband, and we started off casually dating, since we both had just gotten out of bad relationships. During that time, his brother called me one morning saying that he'd wrecked his car and needed a ride to work. When I showed up to give him a ride he was obviously wasted, and began trying to talk me into having sex with him. I told him no, but he kept asking and in fear because of his drugged or drunken state I eventually gave in. It was awful- and took place years ago. Afterwards, I sought counseling and eventually healed and forgave myself.

 

Ok..I just reread this paragraph.....you picked him up in the morning because he wrecked his car...he was on his way to work...but he was drunk?? And you found time to have sex with him instead of getting him to his job? This is fishy.

 

First of all, if he wrecked his car...where were the cops?

 

so basically you picked up a drunk brother in the morning who wrecked his car on his WAY TO WORK...and you stopped off to have sex.

 

Hmmmm....don't think so.

[jj2007]

I agree with bish. You should have come clean a long time ago but you didn't and that does make it worse. You did finally come clean though so that is good. It is now up to your husband to decide if he wants to continue this marriage with you or not.

 

Good luck.

[jj2007]

I agree with bish. You should have come clean a long time ago but you didn't and that makes it worse to deal with. Alot of BS say that the lying is the hardest part to deal with. You did finally come clean so that is good. You should have told his brother to leave you alone or he would be walking to work. Then, if he wouldn't stop, all you had to do was stop the car, open the door, and push his wasted ass into the ditch. It is now up to your husband to decide if he wants to work this out with you or not. All you can do now is be truly remorseful for YOUR ACTIONS and hope your husband will forgive you.

 

Good luck.

 

ETA: sorry browser was slow and I posted twice

[rechan01]

No...I wasn't clear...he lied and hadn't really wrecked his car. When I got there he was clearly inebriated and I asked him what happened to his car and then he told me that it wasn't true.

I was trying to tell the story succinctly and left that part out.

[Cobra_X30]

Hmmmm....don't think so.

 

Bish STOP BIENG AN AHOLE!!!

 

You have zero right to come in and tell someone what did or did not happen!

 

This is not about you! So get over it already!

[bish]

No...I wasn't clear...he lied and hadn't really wrecked his car. When I got there he was clearly inebriated and I asked him what happened to his car and then he told me that it wasn't true.

I was trying to tell the story succinctly and left that part out.

 

Ok...how about the being drunk in the morning thing and you were driving him to work and had time to stop off to pleasure him?

[bish]

Bish STOP BIENG AN AHOLE!!!

 

You have zero right to come in and tell someone what did or did not happen!

 

This is not about you! So get over it already!

 

Sorry, this story doesn't jive...she is already backpeddaling about what she said happened.

 

so lets now assume she is telling the truth about him lying about wrecking his car....that means, she picked him up in the morning, he was drunk and decided to stop off and spread them for this guy ON HER WAY TO DROP HIM OFF AT WORK. I am assuming she made him late to work.

[bish]

Bish STOP BIENG AN AHOLE!!!

 

You have zero right to come in and tell someone what did or did not happen!

 

This is not about you! So get over it already!

 

Sorry, this story doesn't jive...she is already backpeddaling about what she said happened.

 

so lets now assume she is telling the truth about him lying about wrecking his car....that means, she picked him up in the morning, he was drunk and decided to stop off and spread them for this guy ON HER WAY TO DROP HIM OFF AT WORK. I am assuming she made him late to work.

 

Again...sorry...this is a far fetched story so she can say it wasn't her fault.

If someone is going to do that...make up a better excuse than that.

[Cobra_X30]

No...I wasn't clear...he lied and hadn't really wrecked his car. When I got there he was clearly inebriated and I asked him what happened to his car and then he told me that it wasn't true.

I was trying to tell the story succinctly and left that part out.

 

Yes you are in a pickle here! Ultimately your H is going to have to choose who to believe. Because you did not tell him before you have 1 strike against you. Your counselor gave you some bad advice BTW.

 

Plus, if he believes you and not his brother... then its going to make him feel horrible. He will feel like he could not protect you... like he brought the brother into your life and is responsible for this. This situation has a way of making men feel unmanned!

 

What do you plan to do if he doesnt believe you?

[Cobra_X30]

Sorry, this story doesn't jive...she is already backpeddaling about what she said happened.

 

so lets now assume she is telling the truth about him lying about wrecking his car....that means, she picked him up in the morning, he was drunk and decided to stop off and spread them for this guy ON HER WAY TO DROP HIM OFF AT WORK. I am assuming she made him late to work.

 

Again...sorry...this is a far fetched story so she can say it wasn't her fault.

If someone is going to do that...make up a better excuse than that.

 

Bish, I know you think you are being smart and logical... but you project too much of your own situation into things like this.

 

Bish why did you wife leave you?

[IamASelfishSOB]

Bish should take a gander at this.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54548/

[ookla_2]

rechan01:

 

Please understand - it IS a really difficult story to comprehend....picking up a then-boyfriend's brother to take him to work...and he was drunk....and somehow convinced you to have sex.

 

At this point, the decision is left in your H's hands. I know you don't want to hear that, that there is virtually nothing you can do, but I'm afraid that's the truth. Of course, if you want to make things a little easier, you definitely need to do several things:

 

1. Be accountable - always be where you say you are going to be. If, for some reason, plans get changed, call and make your H aware. Do nothing that will make you seem untrustworthy. If that means calling and checking in every half hour, then do it, if that's what your H requires.

2. Be transparent - make sure that your H has any passwords to any and all email accounts, myspace or facebook pages, credit cards, cell phones, etc. Like good old Dr. Phil says - "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing"

3. Be patient - your H is dealing with some serious pain here, not just from you, but from his brother, whom I am sure he always thought he could trust with anything. There will be LOTS of repercussions, for a long time.

4. Be loving - by this, I do NOT mean clingy. Your H is mad at you. He will likely not want you hanging all over him, telling him over and over "I love you"...but when he does seem receptive to it, DO IT!

 

This is not everything, but it's a start. Hopefully, LJ will stop by - she gives GREAT advice, and is VERY thorough!

 

Can your M be saved? I'm not sure. I'm sorry for your pain, and I'm sorry for your H's pain. You have learned a hard, hard lesson....the things we do cannot be taken back. Sometimes there is nothing more we can do than honor the wishes of the person we have hurt. I wish the best for you both (but not the brother - he truly sounds like scum).

[whichwayisup]

I have no clue if your marriage is fixable or not. It all depends on your husband and how he feels. All you can do is come clean completely with him, show him in words and in actions how sorry you are, how much you regret your mistake and choices, regret not telling him sooner and hope that he is a special breed of man who can give you a second chance to make it right.

 

In the meantime, what you CAN do is, (to show him you're serious about fixing yourself AND the marriage) seek therapy to help you understand why you couldn't say NO to his drunken brother. Why you chose to stick around instead of walk away, or call 911, or even CALL your husband. Unfortunately, you've made some bad choices and it's come back to haunt you...Stuff like that you cannot sweep under the rug.

 

Another thing you can do is, give your husband ALL passwords to your email accounts, allow him access to your cell phone, if he feels like checking up on you. He may think you've cheated on him with someone else too.

 

If your husband chooses to not forgive you, to give you another chance, then you need to give him a divorce. As much as it hurts you, he is hurting a million times worse as what he has experienced is DOUBLE betrayal.

 

Good luck.

[bish]

Bish, I know you think you are being smart and logical... but you project too much of your own situation into things like this.

 

Ok...let me ask you this...do you believe she just gave in to sex with him while driving him to work while he was drunk in the early morning?

 

Bish why did you wife leave you?

 

She didn't. I threw her out and filed for divorce.

[annabelle75]

I don't agree with what bish has said. He is entirely too judgemental and crude. But I have to agree that the story is not adding up.

 

I don't believe any counselor would advise a rape victim to keep it a secret from their SO. I've been through rape counseling and one of the first things they do is encourage you to be honest about it with those that you love and trust.

 

If I am reading this correctly I believe the OP made a bad choice and cheated on her boyfriend and then tried to sweep it under the rug and forget about it. Once she was tired of her H's brtoher sleeping on her couch and mooching off them she came clean to her H and tried to make it sound like it wasn't her fault. Her H isn't buying it and now she's scared he'll leave her.

 

If I am right the first thing she needs to do is take accountability for her actions. Her H will never trust her again if she doesn't. Only with being completely honest can she hope to get past this and save the marriage.

[bish]

I don't agree with what bish has said. He is entirely too judgemental and crude.

 

Whether they like it or not, everyone is judgemental. Anyone who criticizes someone who tells it like it is and calls it judgemental is just being a hypocrite.

 

Crude?...sure, I can admit it. But I'm not sugarcoating anything for someone who has cheated. Too many people coddle a cheater on this site...sorry..I'll be the wreckloose on that one I guess. Well..not the only one....there are a few others.

 

Sorry, when it comes to cheaters, I'm not into "oh you poor thing...you are not a bad person....I feel for you"

[annabelle75]

Whether they like it or not, everyone is judgemental. Anyone who criticizes someone who tells it like it is and calls it judgemental is just being a hypocrite.

 

Crude?...sure, I can admit it. But I'm not sugarcoating anything for someone who has cheated. Too many people coddle a cheater on this site...sorry..I'll be the wreckloose on that one I guess. Well..not the only one....there are a few others.

 

Sorry, when it comes to cheaters, I'm not into "oh you poor thing...you are not a bad person....I feel for you"

 

I hardly coddled the OP. In fact I basically said the same thing you did but just with alot less venom. I have nothing to gain by beating down others.

[bish]

I hardly coddled the OP. In fact I basically said the same thing you did but just with alot less venom. I have nothing to gain by beating down others.

 

do you cheat or are you sleeping with a MM? if so, you are beating down others whether you like to think so or not.

[annabelle75]

do you cheat or are you sleeping with a MM? if so, you are beating down others whether you like to think so or not.

 

Nope on both counts.

[Cobra_X30]

Ok...let me ask you this...do you believe she just gave in to sex with him while driving him to work while he was drunk in the early morning?

She didn't. I threw her out and filed for divorce.

 

Bish your wife stepped out on you, before you decided to divorce her! Why did she do that? Why did she run around on you Bish?

[bish]

Nope on both counts.

 

Well alright then...it doesn't apply to you.

[bish]

Bish your wife stepped out on you, before you decided to divorce her! Why did she do that? Why did she run around on you Bish?

 

Because she is fickle. She can't handle being with the same person for extended periods of time. She likes attention from other guys no matter how much she gets at home. She is even cheating on the guy she is with now...and the thing is...he isn't like me...he'll backhand her when he finds out.

 

and if you are trying to insinuate I cause it....sorry pal...she never met all of my needs, but you didn't see me going out and cheating.

 

bottom line...I got rid of a wh0re and I'm happy as can be about that.

[IamASelfishSOB]

Bish your wife stepped out on you, before you decided to divorce her! Why did she do that? Why did she run around on you Bish?

 

Well, because she was a selfish, dirty, rotten whore... always was and always will be. Come on Cobra, you should know that by now.

 

Bish is a bitter, unhappy person who is full of hate and projects that on all cheaters regardless of their situation or circumstances. He could use a little therapy himself (just trying to help). I put him in my ignore list. He ought to be proud. He's the only one in there. I have found little or no value in anything he posts. He isn't trying to help. He is only spewing hatred. Of course I am a selfish, dirty, rotten cheater, who is destined to be one til the end of my days.

 

Seriously. I'll never say that a BS must forgive. I'll also say that some cheaters will always cheat. That doesn't mean that it isn't possible to forgive or stop cheating.