after all this my first post

[brerfox]

here goes.

 

I really need help, I cannot even cry and the emotions are getting so pent up.

 

When I became pregnant, I was so happy, and then my cat died, my brother died, and my boyfriend began cheating on me with minors all in the same 2 week period. I gritted my teeth for the sake of the baby and made up my mind that is how i would live my life.

 

I tried everything to make a family with the bio, but the abuse escalated and I made the hardest decision, to cut ties. It was very hard, and I don't have the capacity to write the details in a somewhat interesting way.

 

So anyways, one day, while my ex was in jail again:mad:, a friend came over, and my baby was in the playpen and called him "daddy" ...he had pursued me for a long time, and that night we had passionate sex. I woke up the next morning guilty for what I had done, even though in retrospect I had absolutely no reason to...other than that things werent working out as I had planned.

 

So "T" comes over regularly. He still lived with his mom, and I had been on my own for 10 years, and he was 21, myself 26. (hes 25 me 30 now)We ended up moving in together, and he started the life of low paying but really hard jobs. I tried to accomadate everyone, with a young:bunny: child, but his drinking got out of control and he became cruel. He went between a lot of jobs...but after the drama, there would be a period of very happy memories.

 

He made sure everyone knew he was "dad" he told everyone, and insisted my son call him "daddy" my son used to sing while very small,"I HAVE a DADDY!"

 

T moved home several times, but he always came back...but he often blamed me because he blacked out, and didn't remember what he did, nor believe me.

 

Until one day his friend and I played cards and he thought I was flirting )I wasnt' I just had that personality/sense of humor) and T tore off my brothers necklace that he wore when he died...I wailed...I just collapsed, (I fixed it later but it really freaked me out) He didnt believe me until his friend told him. Then he went to jail for domestic(other matters)...dont get me wrong, I fight back but I am not the instigator and I still dont know if I should have...or that I shouldnt have or that i couldnt have done things any differently.

 

We decided to move to a better city with more opportunities...we really wanted to give it a go...but he didnt really try, just played a lot of games, acted unbelievably immature and abusive.

 

Both me and my son (now 4) needed him to leave(this week)...it wasn't pretty, but I explained to my son that T wasnt his dad (the other dad has nc) but I dont know what he understood.

 

Last time t blacked out (he started drinking again after 6 months of having quit/no violence) he was so bad, it killed me but I got him out. (hes screwing up again now, failing several college courses and stuff) I made him sleep in the garage for almost a week while he found a place. I wanted so bad to help him but I couldnt, and honestly it wasnt easy...he put take out and groceries outside my door etc...a happy family,("our" chinese dish) and still...I couldnt give him "1 more chance" there were too many of those, and ...

 

So he is gone...yet he is accusing me of keeping some of his belongings, and when I walked home with my son today from the store he followed us in his car. Hes been over a few times. I screamed when I opened the door and shut it...but he didnt try to barge in. I even sat outside with him and I drank a beer on my frontstep while we talked...

 

The thing is, I found an email he had written to another woman while snooping. I wouldnt have snooped, but I had the feeling he was planning something (before his drunken binge) and I emailed her and asked who she was. He freaked out (I told him immediately) and emailed her back. After we broke up I read that email. He stated that it was alright to steal from my kids bank (He had replaced it at my insistance, but Im not sure he had any concience about it) because...this hurts to type it, this wasnt HIS kid!

 

I have been supporting him, so that was it for me.

 

I mean while I sat and ate the happy family with my 4 year old, my fortune cookie said,"the answer to happiness is love." and I knew that love is not restricted in definition to between lovers, mates or whatever. Because I sure love my son and we sure enjoyed that happy family. That isn't my dilema.

 

Here is my dilemma. My child, now 4...he asks questions...for example

 

"is t sad he doesn have a son anymore?"

 

or the sad faced drawings, or tonight, after writing his own name, we wrote mine, and he did it great and I was praising him, and he asked to right ts name.

 

When I explained that t loved him and was very much going to miss him he wasnt coming back. He went to the window and began talking about daddy.

 

I am breaking down emotionally. I started to cry and my son sang to me dont you cry, and made up a little song. My son is so beautiful and I would give him anything in the world, but I cant give him a daddy, although I am praying for God to give him one.

 

Meanwhile, I am not being the best mom, although I am doing my best, and it is killing me...I am sure that he thinks t is coming back because he always has, and because all the major holidays, everything t was there, for better or worse. (all these pictures:sick:)And plus t shows up, when I make myself not mope and go to the park, and demands his stuff, ignoring our feelings that I try to explain to him. It is like I was doing fine with the nc but he contacts me. He said next week he will call the cops about his stuff, and he knows I am terrified of cops (stems from childhood) he also he said horrible things and then told me I have said horrible things to him that i ought to be sorry about (sadly I am, I am really a gentle person except when pushed) (he always critisizes but cant take critisism)

 

I would feel so violated if he comes in my house with the cops...he accused me of being crazy, but I just need to get my feet on the ground...I know this is long but ive been lurking these sites for days, and I just let it all out for lack of ANY other outlet (I am alone in this city, although I have friends, they are just glad hes gone, and not too vocal, although theyve been loyal)

 

My questions i guess are...

 

can he get the cops to come in my house

 

and

 

this is the most important...

 

 

what do I do to make it easier for my son, and to not feel so guilty about not giving him a daddy...I feel so horrible about it, but it wasnt my desision to make...I mean I made mistakes in judgement of character, but I have done everything within my power to... ...

 

and i even now entertain the notion of...but there is no way, and I would have no dignity left, if I brought him back and he hurt us again...

 

But the holidays quickly approach, and it is going to be lonely without him, and I am not sure I have any strength within me...and winter depresses me anyways, and I get weepy, thinking about my dead brother, and family IS important to me, and I want my child to have happy holidays...and I am so broken...I shake like a leaf most of the time now, and I cannot believe how tough this is. Help

[kirikat]

this is harsh. I am going to be harsh. The reason I am going to be harsh is that I am a mother. You are a mother. You have responsibilites to someone who cannot defent themselves;

 

In a nutshell ... JUST WHAT THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?

 

Do you really want to raise a child who is destined to die of alcholism, drug use, and spend time in prison? You want your precious little boy to grow up to be a violent wife beater?

 

Because, lady... this is what you are doing, and were I your neighbor, your doorbell would have rung long ago with the fine folks from child services taking your child to foster care, and you to prison for abuse and neglect.

 

I understand that you are a victim, but you are also a mother... and your son needs protection from your hideously screwed up life and choices in men.

 

You need to call your local womens shelter, and get a referral for abuse survivors. Then, you need to call your local chapter of AA and get yourself a sponsor and to alanon meetings. You need psycotherapy, YOUR SON NEEDS PSYCHOTHERAPY...

 

What you are engaged in now has nothing to do with love. This is a sick home, a sick family, a sick mother involved with a sick and brutal man. If you do not take steps now to get healthy, you are the ONLY person responsible when your son becomes the man who is currently abusing you.

[kirikat]

PS - I was raised in the same enviroment you are raising your son in now... so plese forgive the angry tone of my letter.... but I simply cannot help it. My mom sold me out for a man too... and it has taken me my whole life to recover....

[shockandawed]

Hi brerfox,

 

My heart goes for you and I really hate you are having to go through all of this.

 

You definitely did the right thing with getting him out. You may feel like you are falling apart, but that took some real inner strength! Every time you feel like you are going to crack, think about the inner strength you obviously possess.

 

From what I can tell, you are driven more to provide a "daddy" for your son than a love for yourself. Obviously, looking back, you can see that "T" was never a good choice for you. I am not attacking, you were in a bad spot and "T" seemed like a solution. Life lesson, never make life decisions out of vulnerability. Enough said, can't undo any of that.

 

Here is where you need to focus. You and your son. I know you are heartbroken trying to explain to your son that this so called daddy isn't coming back. I imagine it will be hard for a while. But you are his mother, and a parent has to make decisions which are best for the child in the long run, not the immediate.

 

You know "T" is not fit to be a father figure. While it might hurt your son some now, do you want him to grow into a teen thinking that the "male father figure" is supposed to be some mean drunk who can't keep a job. There is nothing worse you could do as a mother than put a role model like that in your sons life.

 

You have to quit worrying about finding a daddy for your son. You have to be his parent. There are plenty of single mothers and fathers raising very happy and successful children. This is your responsibility, not finding him a daddy. I imagine if you rush to find that figure, you will bring another slimeball into your sons life.

 

Not sure about the laws where you are at, but I don't think he can bring police to barge into your house without a court order. If you have a friend who is willing to help, have them contact "T" and ask for a list of items he claims are his in writing. Then I would have the friend arrange getting these items to him. Do not contact him yourself or be alone and allow him in to get them. You need to stay as far from him as possible until you have healed some.

 

You owe it to your son to teach him right from wrong and to surround him with positive, productive people for role models. Not slime balls!

 

Best of luck, you are doing the right thing,

[brerfox]

Well I didnt type this at loveshack, because I was expecting all kid gloves;) The truthis kirikat, I grew up in a home 1000 times worse than this, so although I always pictured perfection for my own child it is hard for me to figure out where the line has been crossed. I don't respond best to harsh critisism, but I am prepared for it, that is how I finally summed up the situation, and I am asking for any and all forms of advise.

If you did come to my home, you would find a mother that obviously devotes much/sometimes all of her time to her child. THere is the drawing desk where we learn, the nook in the wall where I set up a nature theme complete with a gamecube where we sit and play together, the room that I would want, and the collages we made together, some of them of photos of happy times...I do not dwell on my problems, I force myself to take my son outside when I am at my worst inside, at least to the park or a friends house, I do not drive (yet) so that is a feat, but I focus on making the most of the day...my son is beautifully dressed and I put care into his meals (that him and I eat together) and clothes and care...I read on the internet how to be a good mom, and plan crafts for us...

 

When I was 7, my mom went to work, and until the time I was 15, I spent ALL time watching my baby brothers, 7 +8 years younger than me...I was seriously abused, and became their protector. I guess that although I had my head on straight when I became pregnant, when my brother died at 18 (whom I was very proud of) I died, too, in a large way. And now I am wrking my way through it again.

 

I was talking about 2 separate males, the 2nd I knew for 4 years before we "hooked up" and I thought I made a better decision.

 

Right now, I am NOT looking for a guy! Ive told everyone this, let me get my feet on the ground for us, and maybe, maybe, next summer, if someone meets ALL my criteria, (I dont trust my vibes:o most of em)I will CONSIDER, a date, or some form of OCCASIONAL relaionship...

 

I JUMPED into these relationships because I am needy. Well hindsight is 20/20. But that is why I am here for other peoples outtakes, since I no longer trust my own EXCEPT in loving my child.

 

Shocked~ I am grateful to your advice which I found genuine help in; I want to give my son EVERYTHING, and I just thought I could give him that. ANother part of the story...yesterday when T followed us home, and every other time that he came over and I spoke through the upstairs window, he spoke in a degrading way to me, and I am weakened from my childhood and through the first mentioned boyfriend, but he also spoke as if their could be a reconsiliation if only I changed several things about myself. I bluffed him out, acted cold, and put on a front, but inside I felt myself crumple and I was afraid...

 

I mean I trusted t, and that was hard for me, trust, and I screwed it up! I feel so bad about myself, for a time, I thought, well its just me...you notice I wouldn't take any direct hurt of my son, only me, and I realised, believe me thats more than I can bear. I feel guilt oover HIS actions, not mine.....

 

I think because of the nature of my dad and I, I tend to submit to men, and it REALLY makes me mad, but I think that was my protective measure as a child. So, I really have put up a fight in all this, but I feel myself weakening and I am afraid, probably more than normal because I have ptsd...

 

So, because I am trying to do the right thing in all this, I am looking for advice, from an outside stretch, to strengthen my resolve until it gets easier. I hope it gets easier, I am tired. THat is why I always brought t back, I got tired. And now I am afraid of his "raid"...and id lie if I didnt mrn all our favorite places, and wonder if I will ever get over him.

 

Will it get easier?

 

I mean I trusted t, and that was so hard for me to begin with, and I made a mistake.

[kirikat]

please please please please find therapy. please.

 

Child abuse, child neglect, sets up our nuerology for a lifetime of these kind of bad decsions.

 

Without help, we pass this onto our kids.

 

He cannot bring the police to your house, they wont take him seriously. Dont be afraid of that, just get rid of him, and get therapy for yourself and your boy.

[britchick]

You sound like a wonderful, caring mother to me. Sadly, because of your childhood it seems you have trouble recognising when boundaries are crossed. Yes, therapy might be an answer but that might not be possible given that you are a single parent and are likely to be financially stretched. It seems from your post that you are an intelligent and articulate woman and inside you somewhere is the strength to get through this. Use your energy and love to look after your son and also, just as important, yourself. Therapy is an answer for some people but the main tool in therapy is yourself and using what already exists inside you to find hope and deal with the past. Try to recognise that both you and your son can be a happy family together, and that being a single parent doesn't mean you have failed him. In fact, becoming single has been a hard but necessary step towards greatly improving his chances of becoming a happy adult.

 

Good luck.

[brerfox]

britchick writes

"Try to recognise that both you and your son can be a happy family together, and that being a single parent doesn't mean you have failed him. In fact, becoming single has been a hard but necessary step towards greatly improving his chances of becoming a happy adult."

 

Just now, reading that, with my son in the crook of my arm, pleading for me to tickle his belly, my eyes welled up.

 

He looked at me intently and deeply with huge eyes, and after inspecting me, he asked concerned," are you hurt?"

 

I laughed as the tears receded and said,"no honey, we are a happy family."

 

He said laughing, "yeah, you're going to tickle my belly!"

 

Thanks for the understanding...I wasn't expecting replies so quickly, but as I go through my day, I am going to keep looking for more...it's helping.

 

 

Especially since I know t may show up at any time...I really needed this.

[Curious139]

I don't have much to add except to say that the main impression I have is that you are a good mother who is worried about her little boy. Good for you. You are on the right track.

 

Keep away from these type of guys. Mature men seldom drink. You don't need to drink either. Protect your son and yourself.