Devastated

[missymissy]

Hi, I have never posted on a forum before but I was online searching trying to find some information to help me in this situation. I hope that someone out there can help.

 

Last Tuesday my boyfriend of 4 and a half years called me completely out of the blue and told me that we had to break up. I was completely shattered and not expecting it at all as we had been so happy. He told me that he was confused and would not marry me and given that that was what I wanted that we had to break up.

 

I asked him why and he told me he didnt know apart from the fact that he thought I loved him more than he loved me. I asked if there was someone else and he said no and he said that he loved me and then he started crying.

 

I begged and pleaded (embarrasing yes) for him to reconsider how he could leave a loving and committed relationship where we still had fun constantly and he told me he wasnt promising anything but he would call me the next day.

 

That night I was so sick I didnt know how I would get up the next morning and called him repeatedly to which he turned his phone off. On Wednesday I tried calling him constantly and finally he called me at 9:30pm and said we should catch up on the weekend to talk, I didnt really say anything and then he told me to call him on Friday and let me know if I wanted to see him.

 

I called him on Friday and then he asked me 'Why are you calling me?' and then I said to him 'because you asked me to???' anyway I told him that I couldnt see him on Saturday because I was hurting too much and he said then that we should leave it and talk this week. I asked him to just give me an answer and let me know if it really is over, he said to me 'if you are asking me that now then the answer is yes'.

 

I cried all weekend and couldnt eat or sleep to the point where my poor brother had to sit up with me all saturday night because I was shaking so much.

 

I didnt contact him at all after my conversation with him on Friday, and turned my phone off all weekend. Monday morning though I had to turn it on again as I started a new job and at the same time my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.

 

I didnt think I was going to hear from him at all and was feeling so sick and then yesterday he called. He said he was calling to see how I was, I told him how do you think I am? I asked him how he felt and he said he was still confused but very close to making a decision. I said so is there any point in us meeting up again because to be honest if it is just your explanation for why you are doing this and to alleviate some of your guilt I wont be putting myself through it. He told me that he wanted to talk about our relationship over the last 4 and a half years and that it wasnt all bad news. When I asked what that meant he told me he was thinking the complete opposite to what I was expecting.

 

That made me feel a whole lot better obviously but now I am more confused and dont really know what is going on. Technically we are broken up....I miss him terribly but dont know what game he is playing with me.

 

Also then I said to him so when will we catch up this week to talk and he said he didnt know if we would and to let him call me when he was ready.

 

Am I being played? Is this just a drawn-out break-up method where he has to hurt me as much as possible until I break completely.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. I truly thought that this was the man I was going to marry and I just feel numb.

 

Thanks

[Travis L]

Firstly, how freaking lame for him to break off a 4 year relationship over the phone!!!!

 

Not to be too pessimistic but I really think you need to be prepared for him to tell you (or for you to find out) that he met someone that he wants to pursue... He may be keeping you on the back burner to see how things play out with a new person.

 

Either case, things aren't looking too good right now... You MUST stop calling him... Calling him to the point where he has to turn his phone off is just begging for a restraining order. I know we all make mistakes when we are hurt and panicking...we end up doing the exact opposite of what we should be doing. Hopefully, you got that phase out of your system.

 

May I ask how old you two are?

[Amelie]

People don't want to feel bad about themselves. Men AND women. And that's understandable.

 

He either may or may not have found someone else, but that point is moot... he no longer wants to be with you. That does NOT make you an unworthy or unattractive person... it makes you, for whatever of HIS reasons, not what he wants.

 

He doesn't want to be a "bad guy"... he doesn't want to feel bad and guilty. He wants to say "look, it's over", but he is probably having his own feelings of missing you and such a lengthy relationship, and he is definitely sounding like he doesn't want to leave a bad taste in your mouth about him.

 

Let him go. Tell him that it's plain he needs to get away and break it off, and tell him that although you don't understand and you don't agree, you will go along with his wishes. Then leave it. DON'T call him. DON'T email him. Don't follow him, and try not to pine... get busy, do something active for your mind or body or both.

 

One of three things will happen now... he will be relieved and not contact you any more, and then you'll at least know how he feels and be able to begin the hurting/healing process...

 

OR

 

...he'll miss you and want to talk to you to make himself feel better and call you or try to see you even though he doesn't want to get back together, because he's hurting too, and trying to heal too...

 

OR

 

...he'll miss you and truly feel that he's made a mistake and will want to get back together to give it another shot.

 

Any of these things will become apparent if you LET HIM BE. Don't call him. He's stated what he wants, and making yourself appear desperate or scary by tailing him will only make things worse. Give him a chance to think and decide if this is truly what he wants.

 

DON'T CALL HIM!!

 

I'm sorry for your having to go through this. Hang in there... once you know for sure you can start to move, and every day will get a little better.

[missymissy]

Hi Travis/Amelie, thanks for your responses. Travis I am 26 and the guy is 31. I havent called him since last Friday although I am desperate to, but I wont.

 

I understand what you are saying re another girl, although we used to spend nearly every night together and he has assured myself and mutual friends that there was no-one else. That said maybe he has met someone else and just hasnt chosen to pursue anything until now.

 

I really want him back. I know that he is missing me as much as I am missing him as as he told me on the phone on Tuesday. He told me to wait for him to call me so I will. I should be giving him some space to think about what he wants. I just dont understand how this has all happened. One minute we seem so happy and the next its over.

 

I guess I just have to let him go. This is completely killing me and I cant wait for the pain to just go away. I feel sick constantly and cant concentrate on anything at all. I find myself counting down the hours at work so I can just go home and cry and sleep.

[ijustwannago]

i know it's tough but you can't call. consider what you want. and what would be best for you. he isn't on your team right now so try and hang out with the people that are. something some where isn't quite adding up. get strong prepare your heart girl. and congrats on the new job!

 

aloha~