Who am I ??? ...very long.

[Cerise]

Well I am going to try and be straight up and honest about my life, which has been far from perfect, there are many of you who will judge my desicions and that is fine. I am doing this so that hopfully when I speak of a problem you will know who I am and what my life is like, well at least the best i can tell you in a post

 

I had my first child when I was 15years old. I met my now ex-husband who was 16years older than me when I was 17years old. I got pregnant again when I was 18. He is an alocholic, out of the seven years we were together he was sober for three. During his sober time I got pregnant with my third child and we got married.

 

Toward the end of our realtionship things got very abusive towards me when he was drinking and the kids witnessed more than any child should have to ever see. The last time between us, my son, who was 8yrs ended up getting me help from a neighbor and imo, saving my life.

 

The following day i tired to get my children crisis councelling for what had happened but due to the fact they were waiting for a new councellor to take over the crisis councelling I ended up waiting four months. During that time I fell apart and even though my kids had food and a roof over there head I was not the mother to them i should have been or had been in the past.

 

During the four months I was waiting for counselling, my son began throwing very violent temper tantrums and my youngest, who was three at the time became very whinny and I struggled to deal with her too and ended up giving in most of the time causeing the problem to get bigger with her.

 

Oh let me back up...

When my middle child was 3 1/2 years old she was diagnosed with severe ADHD and at that time I spent most of my time doing damage control, and struggling as I couldn't let her out of my sight for even two seconds as somthing eles would happen. So we put her on medication that helped some but was far from perfect, as it prevented her from sleeping at night, so I wasn't sleeping either. But it did allow me to have more time with my son and my baby durring the day who I had been neglecting while I dealt with her.

 

At four and a half years she got very sick and ended up in the childrens hospital, in the intesive care unit in a medically induced coma for four and a half weeks. The doctors had no idea what was wrong with her and told me she had a 40- 50% chance of surving. Durring that time my husband started drinking again. When the doctors had called in every specialist and still had no idea what was wrong they attempted to blame me, they said that she shouldn't have been on medication and I had posined her. Anyways she got better all on her own and through research and from speaking with doctors i found that there didn't seem to be any link to the medication and her symptoms but out of fear I kept her off medication.

 

Jump forward again...

Five months after the last incident with my ex-h I decided to move from the small town we lived in to the city 4 hours away, i wanted to start over. Not long after moving I met my current H who I will call J, I was an emotional train wreck and I jumped in head first. Two months after moving to the city I was being evicted cause I couldn't pay my rent and I had a choice - move in with him or go back home. I moved in with him.

 

J, had never had a serious girlfirend (his longest realtionship was two weeks)or been around children besides his sister who was eight years younger than him. I had always been married needless to say that caused conflict right off the bat. My middle child was not on medication and was extreamly impulsive and hyper, my youngets was extreamly clingy and whinny and my oldest was really rebelling at that time, and I can't blame them, too much had happend and they didn't get the councelling that they had needed. And why J stayed at all is beyond me.

 

The following year my daughter got sick again and was put in the hospital although she didn't get near as sick as the first time. The still could not diagnose her, and to this day we don't know what is wrong, I belive she has a undiagnosed auto immune disorder but we will probably never know what it is. But at that time it was concluded that it was not the meds and we put her back on medication, which has helped everything alot, including her schooling.

 

Over the next four years my youngest was diagnosed with ADHD and my son has been diagnosed with ODD(opisional difiant disorder) PTSD(post traumatic stress diorder) ADHD and depression. I have been battleing the school system for placement to get him help, I have been through every comunity service possible and taken several parenting classes as well as two years of my own councelling. But getting him the help he deserves has been an upward battle with little luck. I have not been able to work as I have had to be there for my kids and for my son/school.

 

Needless to say J has supported me every step of the way, he has finacially suporrted us right from the beginng, and he dosn't make a whole lot of money we barely make it paycheck to paycheck. I have respect for him for the simple fact most guys would have run as soon as they realized what they got into, he has never even threatened it.

 

J's father was abusive to him, mentally and emotionally. And his mother was a very 'black or white' kind of person and not supotive to him and who he was, as an example she dosn't understand art, I don't think she has a creative bone in her body. When he was a child and was more interested in art than playing sports she got him counselling because she was afriad that somthing was wrong with him, don't get me wrong, she is a good woman but very different from me so my veiws on parenting are also very different.

 

J has worked very hard to understand everything from our past and my kids, he has also worked very hard in not being the same as his father was to him even though those issues slip through once in a while.

 

Our realtionship has been filled with problems and looking back I would do everything very differntly, but hind sight is always 20-20 right?! The truth is I do love him and I know he loves me and my children but our realtionship has been work, and tring to fit that work in around everything the kids are going through as they are our first priorty has been hard, but 5 years later we are stronger than ever but still have along ways to go.

 

During those four years our life and my childrens life, slowly became much more stable. There are times I really question my realtionship with J as it is far from perfect but I will do everything in my power to not take away my childrens stability which means, I will not leave him unless I have absoutly no choice. My youngest calls him 'daddy' and even though we have problems I know he tries, for the most part he is a good father and H, but I am also very insecure, controling and emotional and far from inoccent in our chaos but we keep trying and keep working and I can see myself with him, inspite of all our faults, when we are old and grey.

 

There is so much more I could explain about my children and everything that has gone on but for the time being this is long enough, if you want to know more or about anything in specific please ask questions instead of making assumtions. I will gladly share as I am not ashamed of my past, yes I would do things differntly for my childrens sake but I can't so i make the most of what i can to turn the mistakes into learning experiances.

[Jinnah]

Okay Cerise, the explanation does change things IMO. I think that a lot of the things your husband has done a great, and a lot of other guys would not have been there the way he has.

 

As far as the issue from the other post, the best thing to do is counseling. I know it's difficult if you are having a hard time finding the help, but I feel it wil be totally worth it. Talk to your husband as well, and tell him that you need him to be a better communicator with the children, as it is vital to their self-esteem. Tell him you (and the kids) love him, but just need that small change from him. It isn't hard to watch your mouth with children most of the time. Yelling and anger towards children is just a sign that the parent has lost control of the situation. A parent who is in control of the things that come out of their mouths, and that discipline appropriately, are the ones in control.

 

While you looking for counseling, maybe check out some books on discipline, ADHD, ODD, anger management, handling stress, etc. I believe Dr. Phil's website has some great advice on ADHD and discipline as well.

 

This situation has the potential to turn around. Start having fun with your husband and children! Have fun together as a family. Sometimes when life is full of stress and no fun, people start behaving in ways that they normally would not!

[Cerise]

Thank you Jinnah, I have told J what you sugested and he is working on it. I am the one who is at home with the kids 24-7 and I do do most the disaplining with the kids, but I also feel he needs some control too and I know he is trying, he has grown and learned so much since when I first met him.

 

I found out last week that there is a marriage/family councellor who comes to my town and will come to my home and work with us ro we can meet him at the office in the local school. But we will have to wait 2 more months as J jsut started a new job and he cannot take time off weekly like that until he has been there three months.

 

As for my kids my son is seeing a mental health theripist and I am waiting to hear from her on thurs to see if she can work with my daughter as well.

 

As for knowlage, I never stop learning, I have read more than you can imagin, but J dosn't often read or have the time. So I end up helping him and relaying what I know to him. That will be one area that counselling will really help, as he often feels like I am critizing him or that I want everything my way. And I guess often I do want it my way but that is only because of what I have learned and I know it is the right way lol

 

I am not the best at 'fun' although J has helped me some, he is all about fun (most of the time) he spends alot of time playiny with the kids on the weekends but I often I take advantage of that by doing my own things.

[Jinnah]

Thank you Jinnah, I have told J what you sugested and he is working on it. I am the one who is at home with the kids 24-7 and I do do most the disaplining with the kids, but I also feel he needs some control too and I know he is trying, he has grown and learned so much since when I first met him.

 

I found out last week that there is a marriage/family councellor who comes to my town and will come to my home and work with us ro we can meet him at the office in the local school. But we will have to wait 2 more months as J jsut started a new job and he cannot take time off weekly like that until he has been there three months.

 

As for my kids my son is seeing a mental health theripist and I am waiting to hear from her on thurs to see if she can work with my daughter as well.

 

As for knowlage, I never stop learning, I have read more than you can imagin, but J dosn't often read or have the time. So I end up helping him and relaying what I know to him. That will be one area that counselling will really help, as he often feels like I am critizing him or that I want everything my way. And I guess often I do want it my way but that is only because of what I have learned and I know it is the right way lol

 

I am not the best at 'fun' although J has helped me some, he is all about fun (most of the time) he spends alot of time playiny with the kids on the weekends but I often I take advantage of that by doing my own things.

 

Well, it's great that your husband is open to change. Sounds like he is a good person, but just needs to change a few things. It's great that he spends time with the kids on the weekend... you should join in sometimes. It is good to let him spend alone time with the kids as well in a fun (not disciplinary) situation.

 

Everyone should try to relax a little. Have fun with life... don't make it a chore. That's great that you found counseling... sounds like you really love your family and what everything to work out. Good for you.