shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I really can't tell anymore... My bf and I are LD at the moment and we talk every day through im for about an hour or more, usually in the evenings. Well today he signed on and waited 8 minutes to im me (he's always the first to initiate the im). Should I be concerned? Usually he ims me almost immediately after signing on. Also, he was a bit distracted during our convo, moreso than usual. I got so worried that I did something really stupid and told him I missed him. I NEVER say needy s**t like that. Now I want to die.
popey Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I'm putting aside the part about his waiting to initiate IM for 8 minutes for a moment b/c I don't even know what to do with that. The seeming distracted: did you ask him if he's distracted? would it be bad if he was? watching tv? happened to have a friend log on and start chatting with him? just thinking about his day? The part that strikes me most here, is that you are appalled with yourself for saying you miss him. To me, you are supposed to miss your SO when they are away. I really don't get this.
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 The part that strikes me most here, is that you are appalled with yourself for saying you miss him. To me, you are supposed to miss your SO when they are away. I really don't get this. Of course I miss him, but I rarely tell him that because I know from experience that guys don't respond well to that kind of thing. After some painful experiences, I've vowed never to act needy again.
MystifiedByMen Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Why do you feel you can't tell him you miss him. Why do you regret saying that?
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 shadowplay, there's nothing needy about telling someone you missed them. I think it's a sweet gesture. Don't worry about it.
MystifiedByMen Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Of course I miss him, but I rarely tell him that because I know from experience that guys don't respond well to that kind of thing. After some painful experiences, I've vowed never to act needy again. Missing someone is not needy. It's affection and people in relationships expect that from one another. If I EVER get a boyfriend again... haha.. I better hear nice things like that now and then.
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Ok thanks for the responses, guys. I guess this was a pretty pointless thread aside from illustrating how obsessive and sleep deprived I am.
Lyssa Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 If you are both seeing each other, why the need to wait for him to initiate the IM? My BF and I are in a LDR and whenever we meet online, I used to wait for him to IM me first but when I think about it, why the need to let him start the convo? It doesn't mean I'm needy or giving in too much if I initiated it first. My BF's work is pretty hectic so he chats in between with me so if he doesn't reply after 10mins or so, I know it's because he has something to do. Is he working or studying? I don't think you should worry too much, SP! He's probably just busy or preoccupied.
popey Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Ok thanks for the responses, guys. I guess this was a pretty pointless thread aside from illustrating how obsessive and sleep deprived I am. not pointless. maybe a little silly , but it was on your mind. that's why we come here.
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 If you are both seeing each other, why the need to wait for him to initiate the IM? My BF and I are in a LDR and whenever we meet online, I used to wait for him to IM me first but when I think about it, why the need to let him start the convo? It doesn't mean I'm needy or giving in too much if I initiated it first. My BF's work is pretty hectic so he chats in between with me so if he doesn't reply after 10mins or so, I know it's because he has something to do. Is he working or studying? I don't think you should worry too much, SP! He's probably just busy or preoccupied. Yeah, I know you're right. I used to always let him initiate but I've started to do it occasionally now. I guess I'm not really sure how it works...does the girl still let the guy do the initiating after you've been dating a few months? This is the first "traditional" relationship I've had, and I'm trying to play it by the rules and see how that goes since my past relationships were so dysfunctional. :bunny:I try to act independent and un-needy to a fault with him. It's like I know I have the potential to be needy and dependent by nature so I go to the opposite extreme for fear that one leak will break the dam. Another thing is if I'm the one to initiate I always wonder "would he have done it on his own if I hadn't?"
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 shadowplay, there's nothing needy about telling someone you missed them. I think it's a sweet gesture. Don't worry about it. Thanks. You're very pretty, if you don't mind me saying. I've always been a fan of the dark hair + porcelain skin look.
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Thanks. You're very pretty, if you don't mind me saying. I've always been a fan of the dark hair + porcelain skin look. Thanks shadowplay. The porcelain skin look comes from an inability to tan without burning first. Strange considering that part of my heritage is spanish.
Lyssa Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I guess I'm not really sure how it works...does the girl still let the guy do the initiating after you've been dating a few months? I really don't know about that. I used to play it by the rules but it didn't quite get me anywhere. It got me even more confused! Lol. I just followed my gut feeling. If I feel like saying hi first, I'll do it without even giving it a second thought. I realised that by following my instincts, things turn out for the better for me and him. I try to act independent and un-needy to a fault with him. It's like I know I have the potential to be needy and dependent by nature so I go to the opposite extreme for fear that one leak will break the dam. Another thing is if I'm the one to initiate I always wonder "would he have done it on his own if I hadn't?" If it works for you and you don't feel like it's a chore to act that way then go ahead. Just one question though, were you needy and dependent with your ex-es?
SoHotZanzibar Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I think he was testing you to see how long it would take for you to IM first. Its a power struggle thing he was playing and you failed. He was playing on your insecurities and the fact it caused you to blurt out 'I Miss you' exposed to him even more that he has control and you appear desperate.
Lyssa Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 you to blurt out 'I Miss you' exposed to him even more that he has control and you appear desperate. They're dating, I don't see anything wrong with her saying 'I miss you'... that's what two people tell each other if they are exclusive! It does not make her desperate!!
SoHotZanzibar Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 They're dating, I don't see anything wrong with her saying 'I miss you'... that's what two people tell each other if they are exclusive! It does not make her desperate!! Everyone dates differently dolly...8 minutes...come on. Whats he waiting for?
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 I think he was testing you to see how long it would take for you to IM first. Its a power struggle thing he was playing and you failed. He still imed first, though, so not really. I found out his friends are visiting from out of town so that's what the deal was. Now I feel pretty silly.
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 If it works for you and you don't feel like it's a chore to act that way then go ahead. Just one question though, were you needy and dependent with your ex-es? I don't know about needy, but definitely dependent and insecure in a lot of ways. In that I would constantly bring up my insecurities with them. I'm really trying to avoid behavior like that, but perhaps I've gone too far in censoring myself.
SoHotZanzibar Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 He still imed first, though, so not really. I found out his friends are visiting from out of town so that's what the deal was. Now I feel pretty silly. Thats what he said...maybe he is covering his tracks...he could be a sly one! Probably called all his friends and fed them the story to repeat once he realized his power play would be too obvoius. You should have typed 'I don't miss you'
Lyssa Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Everyone dates differently dolly...8 minutes...come on. Whats he waiting for? Yeah I know everyone dates differently... It just doesn't make one person desperate for telling his/her partner that he/she misses the partner especially if they've dated for long. As for SP's case, I don't think she was desperate. She just misses him and wanted to know what was up. It could be anything.
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Thats what he said...maybe he is covering his tracks...he could be a sly one! Probably called all his friends and fed them the story to repeat once he realized his power play would be too obvoius. You should have typed 'I don't miss you' I actually rememberhe mentioned his friends were coming over to visit about a week ago. And he mentioned that his friends were over just now on his own, I didn't ask.
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Why wouldn't anyone want to express how they feel to someone they care about? Is game more important? If so, I'll happily forget game...and be needy with someone who appreciates my neediness. As for 8 minutes...big deal...not enough time to be concerned.
SoHotZanzibar Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I actually rememberhe mentioned his friends were coming over to visit about a week ago. And he mentioned that his friends were over just now on his own, I didn't ask. So is there something else that is going on that would cause you to jump the gun on making such a post? Do you succumb to anxiety? I am not being mean or joking, just wondering.
Lyssa Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I don't know about needy, but definitely dependent and insecure in a lot of ways. In that I would constantly bring up my insecurities with them. I'm really trying to avoid behavior like that, but perhaps I've gone too far in censoring myself. I think you should just be yourself. Maybe cut down on the insecurities. You sound like a smart woman, SP and I'm sure he loves you the way you are. If not, he wouldn't be with you.
oppath Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Without reading your history, shadowplay, I will say that within a lot of bad relationships, one party will do something to the other that hurts them, not validate it, and then say "you are just insecure." The reality is their behavior contributes to the insecurity immensely. It is not needy or desperate to say you miss someone who is your boyfriend. I like how my "gf" (I refuse to be official even though I am dating no-one else until I am sure she has tied up loose ends with her ex) tells me she misses me all the time. I don't view it as needy. She is saying "I like you and look forward to seeing you again." Saying "miss you lots. Muah!" via IM isn't needy, it implies "have fun, wish I could be there with you, you are the best, I look forward to when I can see you again."
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