just seperated

[lineman01]

i i am 34 years old, and my wife is 36. last monday she left , took my 6yr old son with here. she said she couldn't take it any more. it all started when her mom would say remarkes to me infront of everyone, about me drinking a beer or two, and think its funny. i lost alot of respect for her because she would not stick up for me because it would hurt me along with alot of other things her family did, i felt left out, never part of her family. but she never would stick up for me. she has been married twice before me, im her third. i met her when she was seperated from her second, started having sex, felt bad told her it was over till she got a divorce from him she did it. now since we been dating and married, she thinks she can only have men as friends. she had one when we was dating, told her to stop it, then when we was married she has had two. the most recent hurt me. first he was my best man, and a friend. she told me she has a strong emotional relastionship with him because of the wall i put up when she would not stick up for me, and all that. so i told her to stop talking to him, because it isn't right. she said she would. last week i went to go hunting, came home sunday, she stayed at her parents house, and the guy was there to. i found out because my son told me got made she left said she would not move back till we went to see a mc. the guy lives 3 doors down from where she moved what should i do. i know i did wrong in some ways, but i am felling really lost and alone please help

[shoesies05]

These are things you two can work through.

 

You have to learn to trust her with other men, and not control her and allow her to have guy friends. I know it's hard, but if you love her you need to let her have people close to her that can be there for her... and sometimes it happens to be a guy.

 

Also- her not standing up for you, she needs to improve on.

 

You two should deffinetly fight to make it work, and should go to marriage counseling. These are things that people go through in marriage and you two can make it work as long as you work together on it.

 

Maybe while you are separated you two can also date eachother. Reignite that spark and take her out on romantic dates- things you wouldnt normally do if possible. You need to build your communication it sounds and dating will open you two up again i hope.

 

good luck, you can do it. just keep faith

[Mike1966]

"She has a strong emotional relationship with him"?

 

There's nothing wrong with your wife having a "guy" friend, if you're all friends. If she sees him alone, IMO, it's a recipe for disaster. Especially if she feels emotionally connected.

 

My wife of 15 years and i separated (she wanted out) 3 months ago, and though we have some issues in our marriage (nothing major), the catalyst was a "guy friend" we both got to know only they ended up being better friends and I got left in the cold. There was never a physical affair, but I'm sure there was an emotional affair.

 

Sounds like you and your wife have other issues to sort through beside the guy friend, but if she's turning to another man for what you should provide her, I think it will be difficult for you to work on the marriage.

 

Best option is to get into MC ASAP and see how things go if you're both willing. Don't give up, marriages that are on the brink of disaster get saved all the time. In my case, during my wife and I's separation, we scheduled an appointment with an attorney for divorce 4 or 5 times in 2 months, then, about 2-3 weeks ago spent the weekend together, then last week decided to try and make it work and I have a lot of home for us.

 

Your wife does need to respect you about the other "guy friends". While you're having problems and separated, she needs to agree to stop talking to them and seeing them. Too bad she doesn't have a girlfriend to turn to.

 

What issues were there in the first two marriages? The fact that she fooled around with you while she was married to husband #2 is not very reassuring if you know what I mean. What other issues do you have?

[lineman01]

ya i am trying that option. the other day, we went for a walk, for about 2 hours, then i ask if she would go to dinner. she said that it was very nice, the way was open to her, and everything. and said that she wanted to try and do little things like that to work slow toward restarting our friendship. but it is very hard not to think about the guy thing, she said straight i iam in a strong emotional relationship with him. is it the same as cheating? and i can't quit calling her either.

[lineman01]

well marriage one, was the man cheating on her, marriage two, she said should never have happened.

 

she was about in the same situation as we are now, she wasn't sleeping in the same bed, and was going out to bars. i don't know if she is going to bars now, but when she was with #2 is where i got to know her.

 

we are set to go into counsling on monday, and i am going by my self to a seperation and divorce session on thursday. she told me she would not think about moving back in unless we go to an MC. also the guy she is emotionally attached to is in the band she is in. i told her to quit the band also till all gets straight. she told me about bringing up her past was wrong also, about how she was seperated with #2 and seeing me. and how she has been married 3times.

[Ladyjane14]

..she said straight i iam in a strong emotional relationship with him. is it the same as cheating?

 

She used the words "emotional relationship"???

Because if she did, then that's not the same as having a "guy friend". It sounds more like an Emotional Affair at that point.

 

If any part of her interaction with this guy has been kept secret from you, if the "friendship" displaces you as her primary source of opposite sex companionship... it destabilizes the marriage because it starves emotional energy from one partner. In those terms, 'yes' she is cheating you of what you need within the relationship..

 

... and i can't quit calling her either.

 

Calling her, reasoning, pleading... these things kind of things usually don't work. When you give chase, a 'wayward' will most often RUN.

Better to limit your contact to things you need to discuss pertaining your child, and let her chase YOU for "relationship talk". Even then, keep it brief and just give her "the bullet"... brief, concise statements that she can remember and mull over at her leisure.

 

It does you no good to "win back" a woman who doesn't have any regard for marital boundaries or who is emotionally immature. So, before you go all out to try to put this thing back together, give some thought as to what YOUR needs within the marriage are going to be. If intrusive "guy friends" are a deal-breaking boundary, then the two of you don't have middle ground until SHE is willing to comply with that.

 

Personally... (and this is gonna probably get me in trouble )... I do find women who claim to have ONLY male friends to be a bit naive or immature. There's something to be said for getting along with EVERYONE, regardless of gender. And when you can't get along with ANY other women, hey... it's probably not them at fault for that.

 

I think TRUE platonic male/female friendships are probably rare. I'm talking about the kind of friendship where it's no more likely that anything of a romantic nature would happen than it would between two heterosexual same-sex friends, where it would be like up and kissing one of your fishing or football buddies.

 

More usually, there IS a sexual undercurrent between opposite-sex friends whereby both are receiving fodder for their respective egos. Now, most won't cross the line... but some do.

 

This girl is a three-time loser. I think you'd do well to give some consideration as to whether or not she's got the skill-set to be a good wife to you, before you get too far gone in bids for reconciliation. Meanwhile, prioritize your parenting relationship. You can't go wrong with that. No matter what the outcome of the marriage, you'll be glad you put your child's needs first.

[Ladyjane14]

You have to learn to trust her with other men, and not control her and allow her to have guy friends. I know it's hard, but if you love her you need to let her have people close to her that can be there for her... and sometimes it happens to be a guy.

 

Just like your friend's new wife should be trusting him, Shoesies?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130305/

 

Hey, sometimes the opposite-sex friend has motives of his/her own. You've posted proof of it just today.

[lineman01]

the one problem, is that she went to live with her brother. i work for her brother. it is hard. like yesterday, i was over there and she drove up.

 

she say's that there is nothing going on sexually, and said it many times. but there for a while we where having sex with rubbers, and i asked her about that and she just said she didn't want to have another child.

 

now we had went to one MC, and it screwed me up. we had a one on one session.and the MC is the one that told me about the emotional relationship. also said that one of hte reason's that she is wanting to use a rubber, is that maybe she is waiting to get a divorce, so she can have one with him. because alot of her wanting to get seperated started when this other guy divoced his wife. and my wife felt so bad for him and said he would make a great dad, and he diserves to be a dad.

 

but she blames all her talking to him, and that on me putting up the wall i did when i lost respect.

 

the MC also said she was glad i was not that stupid to believe something wasn't going on. and i said that his ex wife also thought the same thing to. she said she isnt' stupid either.

 

i just really don't know if i should believe her or not. when she left she didn't take everything, left alot of clothes. and i told her i did the laundry, and put her stuff in bags. she ask why i did that and i told her she moved out. and she said i just left till we get help. should i change the locks, and that?

 

and when i told her about me wanting to take her name of the bank account she got really mad and started crying.

 

but the one day we did go to dinner, she was wearing her ring, somehting she hsan't done in a long time. i ask her about that she said she had this bad urge to put it on. i just no what to think. son is coming over to spend the night. i hope it helps me out.

[Mike1966]

but it is very hard not to think about the guy thing, she said straight i iam in a strong emotional relationship with him. is it the same as cheating? and i can't quit calling her either.

 

Yes.......in my book this strong emotional relationship is CHEATING, no question. She's turning to another man to receive the emotional support and bond she should be receiving from her HUSBAND. In reality, for women, mostly it's not about the sex.......it's about someone who listens to them and understands them, very important. As for whether or not it's physical, who knows, it may be or may not be. In any case, her interaction with him is WRONG and it needs to stop..............if not your marriage won't have much of a chance, with her being emotionally connected to him.

 

You need to quit calling her. You cannot control her choices. If she wants to see this guy or be with him, she will. Start looking at yourself to see what changes you should make for yourself whether or not you are with her. What issues in your marriage were caused by you and what do you need to change about YOU.............don't worry about her.

 

At some point, maybe soon, you'll need to tell your wife that the relationship with the OM needs to stop, or your through. I know you don't want to hear this and likely don't want to have to do it, but at the same time, if she continues to want to be with him, your marriage won't have much of a chance anyway. What has your MC said about how to move forward?

 

Best of luck to you.

[thebetrayed]

I'm right with you brother. you can see from my own thread that I'm going through where you might be headed.. I know that having an "emotional relationship" does to a marriage. MC is definately important. but so is showing her that you arent a blubbering pathetic fool with no self respect. think back when you and your wife firt met, how was your self respect. how was it while you dated? When you first married? did you give up too much of yourself to accomodate her quirks while allowing her to stay how she was? No woman wants a man with no self respect. it is an attractive thing, and if you cant respect yourself how will she? I'm learning this. I've been a doormat for over 5 years. and lost every bit of who i was to accommodating her. My emotional needs were put on the back burner and priority was given to hers. The biggest mistake I made was not letting her know how starved for these emotional things I was. and in the end she was starved. If you are given nothing, you end up with nothing to give.

But above all, be confident. push down all the hurt and when you are around her don't let her see it. Don't call her. it works much better than logic would lead you to believe. Listen to her and care, but always try to stay calm. Go check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com it is very insightful.

[justfine]

Seems to me like your wife has gotten used to divorce and it's no longer a big deal to her. It seems like she jumps from one marriage to the next, like dating.

 

I agree with LadyJane that perhaps, you should take a step back and see if you really want to continue being married to a woman who is unable to live up to her marriage vows.

 

As for the emotional affair, I think there's a good chance that it has already become physical.

[Gunny376]

I can tell you how generally speaking this "male friend" business plays down here in the South. Its doesn't happen, for the most part.

 

I really don't know of any woman that has platotic relationshps. They're are guys they may work with, speak with, talk with. But its all kept on the up and up, out in the open. Bounderies are clearly defined.

 

Its an un-spoken rule, that if you go by your best friends house, and your not home, you stand outside the house, perhaps sit out on the porch. I come home and so much as find the preacher in my house alone with my wife ~ he'd best be there to last some last words over something that's died!

 

And its not about jealousy, possessiveness ~ its about RESPECT! Respect for me, my wife, my marriage!

 

IF my wife came home talking about she's got a strong emotional attachment to other man? Whoooohoooo! Its on. I've been down this BS merry road once before. I'd play it cool, and when she came home she'd find that her key doesn't fit the lock anymore and all her trash would be out by the curb with a set of divorce papers setting on top of them! I'd set her up with a date with Mr. Reality for sure and certain!

 

The very first time a woman hints that she no longer wants to be with me? I'm going to be the answer to her dreams.

[lineman01]

i agree gunny, but to a point. a live in georgia. on the other hand, i din't want to talk to her yesterday, but she called me. it started out bad from the word go.she ask why i was not talking to her, and i told her that i have nothing to talk about.

 

so it started. she said are you still working i said yes, then she said well when do you want to set up onther appoinment to see your son. that go me fired up. and i told her that the emotional thing was an affair, and she said it was not. and i said what if when we go to the mc, on monday that he tells you that it is. she said i would just end it.

 

and i told her that i am getting my self right with me, and going to seperation therapy and all that getting ready for the worst case to happen. i told her that and she said so in other words it is going to be a bash me day when we go to the MC. i told her no i am gettin ready for ever happens. good or bad, and i am not going to be walked on either.

 

i have come to realize alot of things from both sides of the problem granted if it just me thinking in this problem time, or it is true. but i ask her if she has seen him, or talked to him since the seperation, she told me no, he is the last thing i am thinking about, and no i have not talked to him or seen him. but i just have to find me for me, and my son, and hope it works out if it don't, then when i do meet a new girl i will be the best person i can.

[Gunny376]

Usually MC descends very quickly into oneside wanting validation from the MC as to being the righteous one.

 

MC is suppose to be about fixing the problem ~ not the blame.

 

You've got to create an on-going dialog ~ even if somethings that are said hurtful and things that you don't want to hear.

 

If it were me? I'd flip the "bash-me" comment, and when I got there I'd tell her and the MC, "The Good Lord gave me two ears and one mouth. I'm here to fix the problems, not the blame. Let this session be about getting it all out on the table. I want to hear it all ~ the good, the bad, and the ugly." And, she give the occassional nod, and say "I understand" a lot. Then take sometime after the session to digest it all.

 

Any MC worth their salt will not hesitate to tell her that any and all contact with the OM must come to a screaching halt. And, its within your right as her husband to insist upon it. Wheather anything on any level is going on ~ is illrelevant. Its causing pain and hurt to you, the marriage.

 

You've got zero chance in so long as she's getting her "oddles" (emotional needs) feed to her by this guy ~ on whatever level.

 

I've already told you what I would do, but then again? I don't have a dog in this fight!

 

Don't lose control of your emotions to either side, Mr. Cool, Calm, and Colleted ~ Got His Act Together. Don't negotiate from a position of anger, raw emotion, nor sadness, desperation. You cannot make her respect you, but you can insist upon not being dis-respect.

 

You're a man, you've got your pride, you don't need some woman hurting you inside. Lying is one thing, cheating is another, (and she doesn't have to be sleeping with the guy for it to be cheating!) If she's not 100% fully invested in you and the marriage ~ while "marking" time with some other joker ~ she's not holding up her end of the load.

 

And, don't let her put all the blame on you! It takes two to make it, and only one to break it. Granted you've made your mistakes mostly out of ignorance ~ you just didn't know any better at the time.

 

And keep in mind? This is both of yours first marriage ~ she and you both have yet to go through a really bad marriage to have any thing to hold up to the light of day in comparisson as to what a good marriage is? That's why a lot of people get out of their first marriage, get into another one/relationship only to realize how good they had it the first time around?

[lineman01]

actually this is her third marriage. i know what your saying, that is why i have been on these forums, and watched that video on marriage builders about infidelity about three times.

 

yesterday when we talked, i told her i didn't want her to be in the band that she is in with him, because for all intent, and purpose i don't want her to be anywhere around him. she told me that being in that band was something she loved to do. i said do you love me, or the band more she had no comment. then she said that we would talk about it. so if she says she would not quit the band, it is a clear sign to me that she can't give him up, then i have to decied to get a divorce.

[Gunny376]

When I was going through this crap with a WW & CS ~ seventeen years ago ~ back when I was much younger and dumber (33 at the time) and back before they had the internet, LS, and mega bookstores, and talk shows ~ flying by the seat of my pants ~ I offered to get out of the Marines in order to save my marriage and family.

 

I HAD sixteen years of blood, sweat and tears invested in the Corps at the time ~ with only four to go to retire at 38 with twenty years in the Corps! And I literally loved the Marine Corps. I would have gone for thirty if it hadn't been for my children back here in Alabama and some other factors (not relevant to this fourmn).

 

And, I meant I would have walked away from it all with just the chance ~ just the hope of saving my marriage. (But, man now that I'm back out here in civilian la-la land ~ am I ever glad I did retire!)

[lineman01]

i went to seperation, and divorce counsling last night, and talked to them about all the stuff going on, and how it got so far out of wack.

 

but they kept telling me, that it seems like she is depressed, and has insecurity. i don't no if that has any thing to do with our problems, but you know it might be something to look into.

 

i just have to come to grips, that if it doesn't work out, and it's to far gone, that it is over, and i have to learn to accept that, and move on in the right direction, for me. i still love this women very much, and care for her very much, but i quess sometimes you have to let go, for the better of yourself.