underpants Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I have noticed something and I just wonder about it... I have recently had a few people approach me after an extended period of...some avoidance. I notice this alot and it kind of irks me. I my most recent encounter it was someone who just asked me about a mutual friend of ours. In this particuliar scenerio here is the history. He really contributed in royally screwing over someone I know financially and professionally. I am sure he feels bad about everything and all that jazz, or maybe not? I guess to him I am approachable and I am tight with the screwed over party. After confessing how bad he felt he asked me if he thought this person hated him. I responded ...'No' she does not 'hate' you. I did not get into it with him and I did relay the encounter to my friend who has so moved on. I don't think she would ever consider working with him again or even any close friendship. This also happened with another person. Same deal really. She gave me a gift to give to someone along with warm fuzzy feelings. I think she even said something of the sort ...I hope enough time has gone by that she no longer 'hates' me. I responded...she does not 'hate' anybody. I think if you talked to her about it and expressed this it would be okay. She never has. I don't get it??? All of this is years after a betrayl of sorts and time away. Along with NEVER addressing the issue honestly. (This is where my irkness comes in) My own little irkness was with an ex. He did some betrayl and deception and the relationship ended. (same old story) However, he insisted on remaining best friends afterwards with absolutely no acknowledgment (let alone apology) for how he handled things. As painful as it was to learn of some of the things he did and (is capable of) I mourned the loss of that relationship and got on with things. He would often say 'oh this will blow over and once the smoke clears we can be friends' and other stuff along those lines. Never an acknowledgement...and no ...no friendship. He thinks (and have told people) that I just 'hate' him. I don't, I just find it difficult to remain close to people who do not have the ability to be accountable for their actions. I guess I fear that this type of character is someone more disposed to repeat a pattern of behavior. What do you guys think?
Trialbyfire Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I think you are an empathetic and warm person. I wouldn't have accepted either one of their burdens, unless I was a close friend but then I would have setup a meeting between the two of them, of some sort, instead. My advice would have been, "If you want to know or if you want to gift him/her, please address it with them directly. The last thing I want is to be in the middle." As for your ex, you were nice to remain friends with no acknowledgement his bad behaviours, even though you were hurting inside. Once again, I would not have been so kind or unselfish. Your ex got away with negating you and you empowered him to do so. When people don't have consequences for their actions or are forced to be honest with themselves, they will repeat bad behaviours. It's human nature to take advantage whenever possible.
Author underpants Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 I think you are an empathetic and warm person. I wouldn't have accepted either one of their burdens, unless I was a close friend but then I would have setup a meeting between the two of them, of some sort, instead. My advice would have been, "If you want to know or if you want to gift him/her, please address it with them directly. The last thing I want is to be in the middle." As for your ex, you were nice to remain friends with no acknowledgement his bad behaviours, even though you were hurting inside. Once again, I would not have been so kind or unselfish. Your ex got away with negating you and you empowered him to do so. When people don't have consequences for their actions or are forced to be honest with themselves, they will repeat bad behaviours. It's human nature to take advantage whenever possible. The first two things. I simply relayed the message and gift. I was put on the spot both times. I am out of it. I just find it ...sad. The ex. Oh NO. I refused a friendship. Based largely on what you stated. I am sure I even responded to his attempts with this type of logic for a time. I was met with lectures and it just became futile to have any communication at all. All of it was one sided and with no acknowledgment and some selective memory. Then I was in the ...(hello video:lmao: situation) and ultimately I had to put the foot not down but placed firmly to the balls. His mind has gone to the 'she just hates me' place. I guess for me that is best. However, without the ability to be honest with himself and really face some of what he has done (not just me...as I have learned). He will continue to cycle. Also, I just find it ...sad.
Trialbyfire Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 The first two things. I simply relayed the message and gift. I was put on the spot both times. I am out of it. I just find it ...sad. The ex. Oh NO. I refused a friendship. Based largely on what you stated. I am sure I even responded to his attempts with this type of logic for a time. I was met with lectures and it just became futile to have any communication at all. All of it was one sided and with no acknowledgment and some selective memory. Then I was in the ...(hello video:lmao: situation) and ultimately I had to put the foot not down but placed firmly to the balls. His mind has gone to the 'she just hates me' place. I guess for me that is best. However, without the ability to be honest with himself and really face some of what he has done (not just me...as I have learned). He will continue to cycle. Also, I just find it ...sad. Ah, my apologies, I misunderstood your last paragraph about your ex. Foot to balls through puree is a good way to learn something, although most often, as you said, someone in denial will never learn anything. Is it sad? Nope. Pathetic. Absolutely.
Author underpants Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 Yea, That is why when I see this ...mentality I steer clear. If I care I might run the data through the blender. Mostly though, I steer clear. I am sure I have messed up in the past but you know. I have always prided myself to be able to step up and address it and attempt to face ...whatever the rift may be with a hope to come to an understanding. I do find it funny when the other party will not though. You know. It really does not matter how much time goes by either. If you can't face what the rift was about and deal with it then the 'waiting game' is just that. A game. This concludes my Tuesday rant.
Trialbyfire Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I find what you say interesting. To put the shoe on the other foot, it is reliant on treatment. If one party has handled the situation poorly, nay hurtfully, with full knowledge that their actions would hurt, I don't see a need to discuss and address. Better that both parties part ways and keep it as such. Forgiveness or reconciliation for the sake of friendship isn't a necessity that's owed.
marlena Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 When people don't have consequences for their actions or are forced to be honest with themselves, they will repeat bad behaviours. It's human nature to take advantage whenever possible. ______________ I agree with the part that it's human nature to take advantage whenever possible. I'm not so sure about the other part. Sadly, I have known people who will continue to repeat bad behaviours even when forced to meet up with the consequences of theirs actions. ... Still others are not even capable of being honest with themselves. They are delusional. And, yes, I too, have absolutely no sympathy or even liking for people who do not even know how to apologize sincerely or accept accountability for their actions. For example, my recent ex called up twice and in an upbeat, cheerful voice pretended nothing bad had transpired since our break up. He acted as if everything were peachy keen. This angered me more than anything. My inner voice was saying, "No, you are not getting away with this"! I was abrupt and put a quick end to the convo both times. Today, even if he were to call me and attempt to address the issues, I would not want to listen, period.
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