almostthere Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 For the last 2 and half years my bf has been talking about getting a headstone for his mother who passed away 4 years ago. At the time of her death her family could not afford it. Recently his father gave his brother $1500 to cover the cost before he moved to TX. his brother spent it on other things. I cannot bare the thought of his mother as influencial of a person in the lives of her 7 children laying in an unmarked grave anymore. So, as a tolken of my appreciation and love for my bf and because I never got to meet her (I just missed her which is something I wish I would have gotten to do) and this may be the only thing I can possibly ever do to say thank you to her, I want to buy it as a surprise for him. I've got it all picked out and I have pulled the obituary from the newspaper so I have all the info I need. I will be placing a call to the cemetery later today to find out the rest of the details. I guess what I am asking here is....how would you feel if someone did this for you? All your thoughts and opinions matter to me on this one. I am not stepping over so invisible line here am I? Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Personally I think that is lovely. However I can see why it might be sensitive for some. Only you know how your b/f might react. Regardless I think that is one of the sweetest, loveliest things I have ever heard of. I totally understand your motivations - my b/f's mother died many years ago and he speaks of her often. Sounds like she was a truly amazing woman who I regret not having met. I hope it works out well for you and that he sees it as the lovely gesture that it is meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 you are a very compassionate woman, AT … and what a lovely way to pay homage to a woman who's held a very important place in your life even though you'd not been able to meet her. just be sure that you've got all the correct information you need before they engrave the stone! Also, seriously consider keeping it "clean" ... i.e., no flowery or geechy stuff that might make the family feel uncomfortable because it's "just not Mom," you know? hope your gift is a happy surprise for all! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 What a nice thing to do! This is great. No, you are not stepping over an invisible line... don't worry... it's sweet! Link to post Share on other sites
Poboy Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 not to put you off but i wouldnt like this. its not some birthday gift we are talking of. be sure that your bf is ok with this. maybe he has something in his own mind how he wants the headstone or how he wants to do it on his own.plus his family might react to this too. i don't know if surprising him is the way to go. just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Starry-eyed Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 almostthere, that is a really touching and thoughtful gesture to your boyfriend and his mother. I would use caution, though, and not do it as a surprise. Maybe show him a sketch or a mock-up of how the headstone would look to get his opinion. Make sure it is something he feels is suitable and that he wants this done. A headstone or grave marker is theoretically permanent and a memorial from family and seen by countless people, so it's nothing to be taken lightly (not that you are). I would just get his approval before commiting the money on it. He's lucky to have someone who cares so much. Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 i agree with others who have said this is sweet, but should not be a "surprise gift." Link to post Share on other sites
little_girl Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 i'd be careful with that one....cuz i've been there just the opposite.... my fiances kids wanted to put a headstone for their dad....but he was creamated & some of his ashes were put on his dad's grave....(which already has a headstone) they wante to spend a lot of money on one & i triedto tell them it wasn't necessary......so make sure he's ok with your decision.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author almostthere Posted November 5, 2007 Author Share Posted November 5, 2007 I have actually rethought all this since my post. It isnt my place. It is his family's place to pick out and buy a headstone. The problem is is that she died almost three years ago and no one wants to do it. Their dad even gave my bfs brother money and he took the money and bought a tv instead. I just think it is so direspectful for a mother who has 7 children (6 left living) and all over 25 to allow her to remain in an unmarked grave. I thought about how it would make them feel but they dont seem to care in my opinion. it would cost $100 -150 per person to put some kind of marker on her grave. i'm sorry if that doesnt sound as heartfelt as my original post. I had an emotional draining weekend and i am severly down. The very most I think I will do now is surprise him with the money to do it. And only allow the money to be used for this purpose. I dont know. I try to think how I would feel about it but my sister and I would never allow my mother to have an unmarked grave after everything she has ever done for us. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 contact the companies that do headstones, explain to them that you want to help purchase a stone for a particular grave, but that you prefer to set up an account with them so that the money actually *does* get put toward the stone, rather than be misused. I'm pretty sure they'll work with you, just be sure to talk to your BF about it so that he's not caught by surprise. My guess is that he'll appreciate the thought and could help round up his sibs to kick in toward the headstone. I still think what you're trying to do is a beautiful & heartfelt gesture. Link to post Share on other sites
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