unsafe Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 My boyfriend of a year and a half and I have come a long way. We started out living together, then his crazy sister in law kicked me out because she was in love with him. He had a hard time letting her go because over the past couple of years they had become pretty good friends, and that was the only friend he had, because all of his other friends were off doing other stuff, liking having babies and starting families. Anyway I found out that he had slept with his sister in law. One night he'd never had sex before, his brother said hey since you are a virgin you could do my girl. my man was very torn he new it was wrong, but by this time he wanted to just have sex, and it was the first thing handed to him. So he did it. As much as I can not understand how the brother still married her, they are still together and I have to be around her. I've known him for about 2 years now and in those two years we were friends first, I never got the vibe from him he was at all interested in her. But she was definitly. She got really jealous and didnt' want us together. So he moved out and we no longer have much contact with them. We see them for family functions and on occasion we go over so that he can hang out with his brother. But my fear is that if you have sex with someone, do you always have feelings for them. I mean if they are always around, can you really let go of that feeling. He swears up and down he never had feelings for her, that it was just "Sex" but I also think to myself, why would he admit that dirty secret to me if he did have feelings for her. I know it's been a year since we've broken away from them and his sister in law is no longer a problem for us, my heart still hurts wondering Would he be with her if his brother wasn't. Is he only with me because she isn't available to him like I am. I mean obviously he can have her, just not as HIS girl. She is one of the rudest bitchiest, and just not a good person I've ever met, she controls everyone around her and bosses them all around, she lies and minipulates everyone in her life, and puts them all down. He doesn't talk to highyl of her, but then he also doesn' think she is the worst person. I think so far out of all the people I have met she is. What woman is engaged to a man and sleeps with his brother and then (later in life) tell his new girl they slept together and it was right at the time. It's never right to have sex with your soon to be sister in law or brother in law. NEVER. Anyway does anyone have any calming thoughts to ease my mind. I know its a messsed up situation, but I'm in it. And i love him and I believe he has learned and changed from his mistakes, but at the same time, I wonder....what if...would he be with her and that though just kills me.
jcster Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 What woman is engaged to a man and sleeps with his brother and then (later in life) tell his new girl they slept together and it was right at the time. What man sleeps with his brother's fiance, no matter what the invitation is? There's more to the story here - but it's in the past. You need to decide for yourself if you can move on from this. I personally find it pretty tacky.
Author unsafe Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 I don't know. I think thats what is the hardest part for me. Because no matter what type of situation you are in that is NEVER OK. He swears he knows it and would never do it again, and as awuful a mistake that is, I love him and I want to forgive him and have a normal life with him. It drives him crazy that I wonder and worry they still have feelings for each other. As much as he says he never did. You just never know. I want to believe him, but what would make a man cross that line. He says he was a virgin and no other offers he was older. Late twenties, not that, that is a good excuse. But that was his reasoning behind it. That he just wanted to get it over with and she was there and his brother said go for it.
Author unsafe Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 if it helps they had a three some. So his brother was involved as well.
Author unsafe Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 So you think they were in love then? and if so then there is a chance there is still something between them.
jcster Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 No, I don't think that there is a love relationship there - but I have to say that having a threesome with your brother and his fiance is pushing the envelope on sexual behavior. It makes me wonder about his relationship with his family, with sex, and with appropriate boundaries. There's obviously something bothering you with regard to this, and it might not be the isolated incident, but some other issue that your instincts detect. If it were me, I would spend some time trying to figure out just what it is that is bugging me, and then talk to him about it.
Author unsafe Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Thanks for the opinion. You are right its not the actually act that bothers me, its the he did what factor for me. And it was way before me and he swears it meant nothing. But I do know it meant something to her, and I think that bothers me alot. That it meant enough to her for her to tell me and other people, and she sat there and told me the details of it, and why she thinks it happened, and she told me "at the tme it was right". But to me there would never be a right time to do that with someone else when you are in a relationship let alone a soon to be brother in law. So I think what bothers me is that they didn't see the wrong in it till I came along. Now everyone says it was a horrible mistake after I said eww....thats really gross. I think I have opened up my boyfriends eyes alot to the world. He was very nieve. She made him think it was ok what happened, but it's not. I've talked to him about it a ton of times. At this point its on my end. I just have to believe him and trust him. He swears it meant nothing it was nothing and he did it not thinking of the aftermath. He did thinking "I want to just have sex for the first time" he had waited like 27 years. He said if he other offers he would have wanted to do it with someone else (that was clean). Thanks again.
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Wow - that is just twisted. I'm sorry. I agree with Jcster. Take some time to think about what's bugging... Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this...
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