Donza Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I honestly cannot believe my ex has still not contacted me. We broke up four months ago. Had limited contact for two months and now its two months NC. I miss her terribly. Its pretty bad today. I dont know why. It might be due to me knowing her gradnfather passed away and that i caught a fleeting glance of her driving towards me on the way to work. We could have worked through the problems. She is mourning her grandfather, i wish i was there for her. But i have to remain strong. Seeing her at my best friends wedding in Nov will be hard on me (he introduced us) will be very hard on me. I dont know what i would say or do. Should i break NC?
Travis L Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 At least in my situation, she knows what she is throwing away... She even made a list of all the things she loved about me and would no longer be able to enjoy now that we are broken up... If your ex spent any considerable amount of time with you, she knows exactly what she is throwing away. Obviously, if you've made changes to improve yourself and have been in NC, she won't know those things... After this length of time apart, are you still certain that you want her back? Do you just miss her physical presence but don't see yourself with her? Just curious about what she is up to? Lots of people on here say not to break NC but do what you want... If you're not prepared to hear a worse-case scenario (she is madly in love with someone), then I would avoid breaking NC. If you KNOW you can handle whatever it is she has to say, then by all means give her a call. Tough call man...you risk losing all the progress you've made thus far if you contact her but on the other hand you may always regret not giving her a call...
CaliGuy Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I honestly cannot believe my ex has still not contacted me. We broke up four months ago. Had limited contact for two months and now its two months NC. I miss her terribly. Its pretty bad today. I dont know why. It might be due to me knowing her gradnfather passed away and that i caught a fleeting glance of her driving towards me on the way to work. We could have worked through the problems. She is mourning her grandfather, i wish i was there for her. But i have to remain strong. Seeing her at my best friends wedding in Nov will be hard on me (he introduced us) will be very hard on me. I dont know what i would say or do. Should i break NC? No, don't break contact. And no, they do not realize what they have lost because to them, they've lost little in comparision to what they have gained. From their perspective of course. Remember, your ex doesn't quite see things the way you do. Otherwise they'd not be an ex.
Travis L Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 And no, they do not realize what they have lost because to them, they've lost little in comparision to what they have gained. From their perspective of course. Remember, your ex doesn't quite see things the way you do. Otherwise they'd not be an ex. That is what I was referring to in my post...my ex fully understands what she is losing...but puts more value on what she is getting by leaving (i.e. her freedom, etc...) As far as breaking contact, I really think it depends on what your motivation is. From one of your other posts, you have stated that you understand she isn't a good match for you and that she is immature. Obviously, if she wanted you back she would have made a phone call, smoke signal, etc... Obviously, this is not a concern for her right now. If your goal is merely out of curiosity or you want her in your life (as a friend) and you are prepared for the worse case scenario, it might be beneficial to finally get some closure. This closure was one of the key steps for me to get over her in the romantic sense. It took her slapping me with the I am no longer in love with you statement for me to take a deeper look at my own feelings for her and how I had fallen out of love, as well... The pain of rejection and lack of physical closeness was what my motivation for reconciliation centered around and I hadn't even realized it until she put the smack down on me emotionally. Just take a deep look at what your motivation for contacting her is. The chances that you contacting her after so long of NC will lead to reconciliation is next to nill, in my opinion!
Author Donza Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Well i sent a txt message as follows: "Sorry about your grandpa. I hope you are ok" She replied, one hour later: "I'm OK......Thanks for the txt message" I left it at that.... I was tempted to reply "If you wanna talk, i am still here"... But i dared not.. After two months of LC and 2 months of NC. I was surprised to even recieve a response. The main thing is she is ok... Although i sometimes still get really bad pangs of missing her. Moreso lately...
Travis L Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Well i sent a txt message as follows: "Sorry about your grandpa. I hope you are ok" She replied, one hour later: "I'm OK......Thanks for the txt message" After two months of LC and 2 months of NC. I was surprised to even recieve a response. The main thing is she is ok... And thats about all you can do... She knows you still care and have opened a door for communication if she wants it. Good call, in my opinion. Obviously, be careful not to fall back into depression should she not call/text you in the future. Good luck!
Author Donza Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 And thats about all you can do... She knows you still care and have opened a door for communication if she wants it. Good call, in my opinion. Obviously, be careful not to fall back into depression should she not call/text you in the future. Good luck! I have ZERO expectations. We are both going to see eachother at a mutual friends wedding in two months. Whether we talk or whatnot, we will see what happens. I should do nothing contact-wise from this point onwards UNTIL she (if ever) contacts me... Am i correct in assuming this?
Scorpio13c Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I have ZERO expectations. We are both going to see eachother at a mutual friends wedding in two months. Whether we talk or whatnot, we will see what happens. I should do nothing contact-wise from this point onwards UNTIL she (if ever) contacts me... Am i correct in assuming this? Yes Donza, you did a good thing. About your original question, "Do they ever realize what they threw away" Yep! but from my experience, it's usually once you have already moved on, with or without someone else, not too often while you are still pining for them, although that does happen sometimes. Scorp
Travis L Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I should do nothing contact-wise from this point onwards UNTIL she (if ever) contacts me... Am i correct in assuming this? In my opinion, yes, you should no longer make contact. She knows that the door is open should she want to use it. Let her come to you (if she ever wants to). Now do your best to get her out of your head...stay busy, go on dates, etc, etc... You know the routine!
Art_Critic Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I think it is really a matter of perspective.. From your perspective they threw something great away.. From their perspective they just dodged a bullet. From their perspective they might realize that they miss the other and correct the situation.. As the dumpee you don't have the ability to know what they are feeling right now.. The best you can hope for is that they are moving on..Most second chances have less of a chance of working than the first shot had.. IMO for there to be a shot then there must be contact and communication.. but you both are not talking so you need to keep up the NC and continue to heal..
johan Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 ...Most second chances have less of a chance of working than the first shot had.. Considering that for a second chance to even be possible, the first shot must have ended in every case, that means a probability less than zero. That's a pretty bleak outlook, Art.
Travis L Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 .....Most second chances have less of a chance of working than the first shot had.... This was fairly accurate in my LTR. First go at it lasted 3years and a couple of months. The second chance lasted 9 months... And I wanted a third shot at it...I wonder how long that one would have lasted...
andref Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 This was fairly accurate in my LTR. First go at it lasted 3years and a couple of months. The second chance lasted 9 months... And I wanted a third shot at it...I wonder how long that one would have lasted... It really depends on the situation and *if* you broke up due to personality conflict. If it was due that then well.. this is enterily true. No one ever changes, people only get temporarily adapted and this is usually against their will.
Author Donza Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 It really depends on the situation and *if* you broke up due to personality conflict. If it was due that then well.. this is enterily true. No one ever changes, people only get temporarily adapted and this is usually against their will. We broke up due to personal conflict. UPDATE: I am very saddened to find out from a 3rd party, that she was not at all happy i contacted her. I feel terrible that i put more stress on her... From this point onwards, all memoirs, numbers, presents are going in the bin... But why did she text me at all then? I wish she would have been more open with me.. Eitherway, i really need to look after myself better from now on.. We were only together for four months, but damn i cant get past this.. I am thinking about seeing a therapist..
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 No, they don't realise. When they do, it's just a little too late, a little too long.. you know that Jojo song. Seriously, it's always too late. When that happens, I listen to this song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV8DupH0pD4&NR=1
niceguy27 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I think they do realize it down the road. Everyone has to experience things on their own for a while. The good and the bad. Only when they see the bad out there will they realize what they had in the past. And if you two both ended amicably and left the doors open I think there is good hope you may be able to reconnect down the road. This is really dependent on what you guys share on a deeper level. ie values, ethics, common interests, family values, etc. If you do, then down the road there is a good chance things pick back up only if you are both willing to accept that and let the past be where it should be.
VIP Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Bring a new date to the wedding and act happy, ignore her. Jealousy does wonders. She might realise what she lost after that, but you probably won't need her anymore at that point.
Art_Critic Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Bring a new date to the wedding and act happy, ignore her. Great advice VIP
Spinderella Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 it took me 5 years to realise what i lost with my ex, and by that time he was with someone else (obviously). now i am hoping someone realises what they lost with me, and that it DOESNT take them 5 years.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 i have never regretted a decision to break up with someone. not once. and i never looked back and thought i was losing out and "what was i missing now" and all that, because i obviously wasn't happy in the relationship and wasn't getting what i wanted. why would i miss that? even if it was amicable, even if they were great to me, i don't miss that because you can't be in a relationship with someone who no longer does it for you.
Art_Critic Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 i have never regretted a decision to break up with someone. not once. Same here.. but only after some time has passed and I can see things a little differently.. I have before made what I would call a knee jerk breakup and then regretted it.. but after some time passes I look back and realize the knee jerk reaction was still accurate and then I don't feel any regret.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Same here.. but only after some time has passed and I can see things a little differently.. I have before made what I would call a knee jerk breakup and then regretted it.. but after some time passes I look back and realize the knee jerk reaction was still accurate and then I don't feel any regret. good, i thought everyone would call me a bytch. it's just hard to miss something you no longer want. and i think a lot of recovering dumpees want to think that the person who hurt them comes to this grand conclusion that they had it great with them....but if that was true at the time, it wouldn't have ended, and rarely does a 'dumper see the light' and realize the error of their ways, because to them, it wasn't a mistake to break up. they simply move on. a lot of people mentally check out of a relationship before they actually end it, meaning for them, it was over for some time before it was really OVER. some knee-jerk, sure, but usually break-ups are a process and not a knee-jerk. then they have a headstart on getting back to normal and being single before the blind-sided dumped one knows what hits them.
CaliGuy Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 it took me 5 years to realise what i lost with my ex, and by that time he was with someone else (obviously). now i am hoping someone realises what they lost with me, and that it DOESNT take them 5 years. I'd say you grew and matured over that time but also that time does change our perception of people. You probably had a legitimate reason for ending it.
Spinderella Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 cali guy. thanks. you are right. it is also true of the relationship i just got out of. ok, he dumped me, but i was dumping him before that. i clearly had a reason. thanks.
Trialbyfire Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Sometimes they realize what they lost and sometimes they don't. I wouldn't bank on it though. Better to stop focusing on what they will or won't do and use that energy to strengthen yourself. Once you've let go, you won't look back with regret or longing. More than anything, you will find yourself looking back and wondering what you ever saw in them or worse yet, pitying them.
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