mika Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Okay, my boyfriend and i have been together for a couple months. His last girlfriend, who he was very much in love with, killed herself in January. He is obviously still affected by her death and it has caused some issues in our relationship. He broke down and cried on my shoulder about it last night and i tred to be as positive as I could as well as try to help him move on. I only hope I said the right things to him. Well, her birthday is coming up on the 22. I know this is going to be a hard time for him. I was thinking about he and I doing something for her. Like maybe play a song and light a candle or something to celebrate the life that she did have. I just want him to know that I care and I want to help him get through this and find some closure. I just don't know if I might be out of line since I didn't know her. I wouldn't think so but i am hoping for some suggestions from the readers, PLEASE!!!! We are supposed to go to a show over this weekend. The band is his favorite and him and her had gone to see them more than once. I don't want to have a memorial over the weekend while we are at this show in Atlanta and Chattanooga. We're doing a two day thing. Her actual birthday is Saturday, but I was thinking we could do it on Friday. That way, maybe he won't get down and thing all about her while we are there. I love this man very much and I just want him to know that I am here for him and that I want to help him through all of this.
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I think that is lovely. Perhaps suggest putting flowers on her grave for her birthday on friday before you leave.
Author mika Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 Her grave is actually hours away from our town so we can't visit it. My brother is a poet and offered to look at her myspace page to learn a few things about her and write her a poem. I am going to make a little collage of the pictures i can get to and put it all together. That is all I have so far. I would love all the ideas and suggestions anyone has to offer. I need to do this by Friday. THANKS!!!
LoveLace Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 That's very nice and supportive of you, I think he will appreciate your efforts and it might help him with moving on as well.
KittenMoon Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I don't know about your finances, but maybe you could make a charitable contribution in her name as well?
quankanne Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 the candle lighting is a very sweet idea, too – maybe set one up near the collage you plan to make (but a safe distance away!) and light it as part of your tribute to her memory. I'm truly touched by your thoughtfulness, because I don't know how many others would freak out by the idea of their partner grieving over someone while they're with you … I think your guy is going to realize what a blessing you are for being so in tune with his needs while he works through his grief.
Author mika Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 any good song suggestions? there has to be a song. one of my friends said that he may be offended and that its not my place. i don't really know. should i suggest it to him and not make it a surprise? then we sould do it together. or should i just do it on my own? what if he thinks i'm crazy?
Jinnah Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Wow, what a sweet, sweet person you are. That's great. The world needs more people like you!
coco_milkshake Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 any good song suggestions? there has to be a song. one of my friends said that he may be offended and that its not my place. i don't really know. should i suggest it to him and not make it a surprise? then we sould do it together. or should i just do it on my own? what if he thinks i'm crazy? Stand By Me is a good song. Or "One In A Million" by Aaliyah. I doubt he will think you are crazy. If anything, I am sure he will realise how lucky he is to have a caring GF like you.
oppath Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Was she suffering from depression at all? I think some kind of donation to NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness) or DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) or a suicide helpline would be a great thing!
lindya Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Was she suffering from depression at all? I think some kind of donation to NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness) or DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) or a suicide helpline would be a great thing! I think that's a great idea - and the plan of lighting a candle for her is lovely, Mika. It seems like the best way you can support your boyfriend is by cherishing her memory, and you're doing that simply by putting thought into what to do for her birthday.
Krytellan Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Am I the only one that thinks there is a high probability this is going to blow up in her face? You're in a bad spot, OP. Be careful with your feelings here. I think you would be better served staying out of it. My last 2 relationships had deceased ex's, and I never made an attempt to get involved and they never asked. It just seems like you could be setting yourself up for some hurt here.
little_girl Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 honey...just support him no matter what....if he needs to vent & realie it is going to be tough on him....that doesn't mean he cares about you any less....you never get over losing a SO you just learn to get thru it somehow.....you go on in life.....i think you should let him suggest what he wants to do for a memorial.....& go with it....i'm speaking from experience....goood luck in whatever you do....my heart goes out to you...
Spinderella Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Okay, my boyfriend and i have been together for a couple months. His last girlfriend, who he was very much in love with, killed herself in January. He is obviously still affected by her death and it has caused some issues in our relationship. He broke down and cried on my shoulder about it last night and i tred to be as positive as I could as well as try to help him move on. I only hope I said the right things to him. Well, her birthday is coming up on the 22. I know this is going to be a hard time for him. I was thinking about he and I doing something for her. Like maybe play a song and light a candle or something to celebrate the life that she did have. I just want him to know that I care and I want to help him get through this and find some closure. I just don't know if I might be out of line since I didn't know her. I wouldn't think so but i am hoping for some suggestions from the readers, PLEASE!!!! We are supposed to go to a show over this weekend. The band is his favorite and him and her had gone to see them more than once. I don't want to have a memorial over the weekend while we are at this show in Atlanta and Chattanooga. We're doing a two day thing. Her actual birthday is Saturday, but I was thinking we could do it on Friday. That way, maybe he won't get down and thing all about her while we are there. I love this man very much and I just want him to know that I am here for him and that I want to help him through all of this. Be careful. Theres a lot of "I wants" here, rather than "he needs". I know that you want him to enjoy himself, without having to think about her, and think he could do something on Friday for closure, but, I dont think these things work that way. He's going through emotions as and when they arise, and if he gets upset at the weekend, he will do, whether or not you do a memorial. If you really want to be with him, and have a relationship, then its beter to stand back and allow him to go through what he is going through. That is the best support you can ever give.
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Be careful. Theres a lot of "I wants" here, rather than "he needs". I know that you want him to enjoy himself, without having to think about her, and think he could do something on Friday for closure, but, I dont think these things work that way. He's going through emotions as and when they arise, and if he gets upset at the weekend, he will do, whether or not you do a memorial. If you really want to be with him, and have a relationship, then its beter to stand back and allow him to go through what he is going through. That is the best support you can ever give. I agree with Spinderella. I know you only want what is best for your boyfriend, and I'm sure this isn't easy on you, knowing that is he grieving his previous girlfriend's death. The thing is, you need to relax and let him deal with this his way. It almost seems like you're controlling HOW he grieves, and when. I mean, if he chooses to do that long drive to visit her gravesite, let him do it. This isn't about you. It's about his pain, his saddness. Just seems like you're trying TOO hard, pushing alot onto him and wanting him to make closure...Not for his sake, but for yours - Almost like you're abit hurt/jealous that he is grieving over someone he once loved..
Recommended Posts