passionateconfusion Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I had posted in the divorce/seperation section but have realized that was the wrong place to post. Here is my situation. Last November I met a wonderful man. He had been seperated for 5 years. A year before he moved out of the marital home he moved into the basement, his W also discovered he was having an affair. He left. The affair ended. He was involved with another woman for 2 years, they were living together until their break-up last August. He has 2 children under 10. He never wanted kids and 'can't deal' with little ones. I met him at the end of November, it was love at first sight. Two weeks into it we were trying not to say 'I love you' - things were wonderful. In his words: ' you've treated me like no other woman has', ' you make me want to be a better man ~ you have made me a better man', ' you may not have realized it yet but I don't just want sex, I want it all'. He is 46 and I am 38. Things were great until March. He sent me an email saying that he feels that he is denying his kids a family, that he is confused. It turns out the W sister had said something to him in December about 'thinking of reconciling' to which he answered there was no way, there would have to be a change in attitude. (I just learnt that apparently she had said something too. A little about her: she had been involved with a gent who had been living with her and the kids in the marital home - he ended up moving west - I don't know what the status is.) He loves his kids and has been a great father, they adore him. I was devestated with this. I cried and cried - I asked him if he wanted me to walk out of his life to which he said 'no'. We continued on like normal, in June he was spending more time out there on the weekends doing things in the yard. I can understand that as that is where his children live and he wants to take care of them. We were hands off. He is very extreme. He enjoys his rum, has a high sex drive etc. During this time of hands off there he stopped drinking, having sex, mbating, watching porn. This is what I mean by extreme. We would go cycling and have dinner it was hard keeping things on the friend level because there is so much love there. He called me on the eve of my birthday and invited me over. I had asked him a few weeks prior that he spend my birthday with me - go for dinner. I wasn't expecting the invitation the night before. I went over and we made love into the wee hours of the morning. We had dinner on my birthday (Wednesday), again on the Friday, and on the Sunday. The week after he was taking the kids away and I was moving so we didn't see each other. This was the first time I was going to live on my own. As much as I was doing it for myself I was also doing it to prove something to him. I knew he had issue with the fact that I had never lived on my own. He knows he was a strong motivator for me doing this, I also let him know via email that if he was going to go back and it did not work out that he would have a place to go. When he returned from his vacation he came over on his first night back. We made love on the balcony, over the balcony, where ever ... He was over again 2 nights later. I would cook him dinner and send a care package home (his condo) with him. I looked at him laying on my couch, he looked so happy, content. During this time I didn't know what was going on, my friends advised to take things as they come and not to question. We had spent the weekend together and they I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. I panicked - I emailed, no response, I called no response - then he finally emailed and said he needed some space. We ended up having a conversation on the phone that night where I asked him what was going on ' was he still planning on going back' his answer was 'yes', why would I think any different. Since he is a man of actions not words I let him know that his actions were saying something very different. There was more said ... We had spent the Saturday of the Labour Day weekend together. I knew he was going to be with the kids on the Sun and Mon - I expected to hear from him on the Mon night - I didn't nor did I hear from him for the rest of the week. Finally on the Sunday I left a message for him - he emailed and said he was in the process of putting his family back together. I was so upset. This has been going on for the past 6 months. I knew one day this was going to happen. As he said, this is a decision of the head not the heart. I've asked him over the months if he loves me - intially the response was 'yes but I am trying not to' of late the answer has just been a yes. I asked him to come over last week so we can do this the right way. I asked him if this was the last I was going to see of him - he said no, we would see each other in a couple of months - he wants to be friends - that we would talk ... She knows nothing about me. We are both logical people and are successful in our chosen fields. What do I think: - he is guilt ridden for leaving the children - he is still very confused - he can't let go as much as I don't want him to - he is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons - I am trying to put rational and logic to a situation that I can't BIG QUESTION: after 5 years can things really work with them?
serial muse Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Hi passionate - I'll think more about your story, but since how he feels about his kids is central to your question, this seems kind of important. Doesn't this seem like a contradiction? He has 2 children under 10. He never wanted kids and 'can't deal' with little ones. but also: Things were great until March. He sent me an email saying that he feels that he is denying his kids a family, that he is confused. He loves his kids and has been a great father, they adore him. he emailed and said he was in the process of putting his family back together. Why would he tell you (initially? when did he say that?) that he can't deal with little ones, in the first place? An odd thing to say. Overall, it does seem like he's not entirely on the level. As your friend said, trust in his actions, not his words. He contradicts himself. (And yes, people can reconcile after five years, but it probably won't work with them if he can't make up his mind. On the other hand, do you really want to be with someone who can't make up his mind?)
PandorasBox Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Why was he seperated for 5 years with no divorce? I think the main question is, do you want to continue to play second fiddle to his family? You deserve better. Someone who is not married/sperated, and can't seem to make up their mind what they want to do. He sounds wishy washy, and playing you both. He wants his wife/family and you on the side. Don't give him a choice, you make it for the both of you and end it so you can move on and find someone that is single and can devote most of their time to you. JMO on it.
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 BIG QUESTION: after 5 years can things really work with them? If he and his wife want to give their marriage another shot, then yes, it could work out for them. They owe it to their kids to give it their best. The thing is, he can only do that without you in his life so you need to go no contact. That means saying goodbye, making your own closure, accepting that it IS over and grieve, do your best to move on and heal. Don't wait for him.
Author passionateconfusion Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 I love him and that is the bottom line. Why they never divorced - I don't know - lazy - money (he makes good money) I have been doing the NC but it is so hard. We have so much passion and love. With regard to the children - he couldnt deal with them in their infant years ... I had said to him ' she is not your W she is the mother of your children ' oddly enough when we spoke last week he referred to her in the same manner. He said he doesn't love her but he loved her once ... Like I said, I really think he is very confused - there have been many contradictions. I guess the point that I am at is that he will never be mine unless he deals with this. He in fact said ' If I am meant to spend the rest of my life with a wonderful woman they I will have to know' Thanks for your advice - I just love him so much
VIP Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Last November I met a wonderful man. He had been seperated for 5 years. It's never a good idea to get involved with a separated man. He is really married, just lives separately and is fooling around. I met him at the end of November, it was love at first sight. Two weeks into it we were trying not to say 'I love you' - things were wonderful. It was just an infatuation. In his words: ' you've treated me like no other woman has', ' you make me want to be a better man ~ you have made me a better man', ' you may not have realized it yet but I don't just want sex, I want it all'. Those are just words. He called me on the eve of my birthday and invited me over. I had asked him a few weeks prior that he spend my birthday with me - go for dinner. I wasn't expecting the invitation the night before. It was up to him to remember your birthday and invite you somewhere, you didn't have to ask for that. This was the first time I was going to live on my own. As much as I was doing it for myself I was also doing it to prove something to him. I knew he had issue with the fact that I had never lived on my own. He knows he was a strong motivator for me doing this, I also let him know via email that if he was going to go back and it did not work out that he would have a place to go. With whom did you live before? It seems that you are trying too hard, to the point that you want to provide him with a place to stay, it seems like you want to be used. During this time I didn't know what was going on, my friends advised to take things as they come and not to question. You should have questioned him about his feelings and his intentions. It seems like you were afraid of loosing him and he sensed that. This has been going on for the past 6 months. I knew one day this was going to happen. If you knew it, you should have stopped all the contact and told him not to contact you until he was sure where he wants to be. I've asked him over the months if he loves me - intially the response was 'yes but I am trying not to' of late the answer has just been a yes. Words that don't mean anything. - he is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons - I am trying to put rational and logic to a situation that I can't BIG QUESTION: after 5 years can things really work with them? I think the only question that you should ask yourself is: "Don't I deserve someone who will REALLY love me, prove it with his actions and make me a priority in his life?"
VIP Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Why they never divorced - I don't know - lazy - money (he makes good money) He will have to give away his property or most of it, and pay a child support. He doesn't want that, that's why he will never get divorced. I had said to him ' she is not your W she is the mother of your children ' oddly enough when we spoke last week he referred to her in the same manner. He said he doesn't love her but he loved her once ... She is his wife, even if it hurts to think so, but that's what he considers her to be, even though he wouldn't admit it to you. Love never lasts forever, even your love will fade.
PoshPrincess Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Passionate, sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for these things....they happen....and unfortunately we have to get on with our lives as best we can under the circumstances. You will have to leave him to live his life. If there is no way that you two are going to be together I would say, as much as it will hurt, go NC - totally. I know it is extremely painful but it will be even more so in the long run. And for God's sake, don't let him use you! Don't let him tell you he loves you and wants to be with you, when he is still with his W. As you say, actions speak louder than words!
simplegirl Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 My advice is go NC completely. I got involved with a separated man and it was so hard. His W didn't want him, she left him and was happy on her own, dating someone else. We had known each other for years, went out as friends and it lead to more. She found out, went crazy and long story short they are back together. A few months ago, after months of NC, he showed up at my house and told me he would contact me in Aug. We talked a few times via email and I found out that she wanted to leave again. Then suddenly he stopped responding to emails again. I had to let it go. I learned the hard way that being separated doesn't really mean anything, especially when kids are involved. Heck, I've seen some D people get back together after the fact! Good luck to you, be strong. I promise it gets easier, it just takes time.
Author passionateconfusion Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 I just can't let this go. I really don't feel like the OW - the woman he had the affair with was the OW, then he had a girlfriend, and then there was me. I don't know why but in my gut it feels like this is more the beginning than the end.
lovelorcet Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 How is he treating you? I would dare to say just like every OW is being treated like. He has clearly told you he is going back to his family and that makes you the OW. You are getting played... Maybe you are just there to take care of some of his needs until his wife starts to do that again. Maybe she never will and you can choose to live like this for as long as you like.
Author passionateconfusion Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 We hadn't been having a lot of sex in this last month, however the kisses were always passionate and hungry. As I said, he is a man of extremes. We have had an incredible sex life and he knows the W doesn't compare. I don't just want him for what is below the belt.
Herzen Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Can it work? Yes, a marital reconciliation could succeed especially if the MM continues to have you on the side. You have what W lacks: sexual power. W has what you lack: the MM's two young kids. So what's a MM to do? Of course, he rejoins his family, raises his kids at home, has perfunctory sex with the W and has great sex with his side dish--you, the OW. Any way you count it, you'll always come in fourth--behind, the kids, wife and family. Is that enough for you?
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 We hadn't been having a lot of sex in this last month, however the kisses were always passionate and hungry. As I said, he is a man of extremes. We have had an incredible sex life and he knows the W doesn't compare. I don't just want him for what is below the belt. But does he feel that way about you? Does he want more from you than just below the belt.... Either way, he's chosen to try to fix his marriage, he has his reasons. Maybe he realized there ARE infact feelings for his wife that have surfaced, enough that he feels the need to give it his best for the sake of their children. Only he and his wife know the truth here.. I know that you love him, but obviously his wife loves him too. At some point in time he DID love his wife, alot! They married and had children together...That bond doesn't just go away, even if he's an idiot for cheating on her with many other women. Maybe he woke up! Honestly, try your best to let him go...He was never 'really' yours to begin with.
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