mattie2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I have been dating a wonderful older man for five months. He is bipolar, but it seemed that it didn't effect us for the most part. The relationship progressed very fast. We spent the month of August together in Europe, and he tells me every day that he loves me. He even bought me a pre-engagament ring. For two months, he has been talking about engagement non-stop, and last weekend, he threw me an enormous birthday party. He is also affectionate. Last week, his landscaper made a big mistake in his yeard, and it threw him into this depression. The next night, as we were driving to dinner for him to meet my parents for the first time, he told me he needed a break from me. I cried (I couldn't believe that he would do that with my family here when I only see them twice a year). He said nevermind, we would work it out. The next night, he made me call my parents, who had left, and tell them everything was okay. Later that night, as we were driving to an event, he again said he wanted to break up. He said I should get over it, people break up all the time, and he is impulsive. Again, later that night, he said everything was okay. This went on for tewo more nights: we would make up, have wonderufl days together, and he would do it again. Finally, yesterday, he said he wanted to break up because nothing made me any different than the other women he hadn't married. Later that night he took me to dinner with his parents. This morning he said we have to make a decision about this tonight, once and for all. I am SO confused and depressed. I bought into it all, and I thought I had found the person I was going to marry. I rely on him now for support, and I love him. How does a man change his mind and go back and forth so wuickly like this? I need help. I am hurting so much.
Author mattie2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 anyone? i am SO confused and hurt, and i really need any advice/ insight i can get.
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Sounds to me like he is having normal fears - nothing to do with his being bi polar. I would suggest to him that this relationship moved very quickly and that you two needed more time to make any firm decisions. Just have and enjoy the relationship for a while, without discussing marriage, etc. Take the time to really get to know each other, at a more normal pace. In a few more months (like another 7 so you've been seeing each other a year) - perhaps it would then be time to discuss if the relationship has a future. Good luck to you.
Author mattie2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 he was supposed to come to therapy to talk things through tonight. he called me this morning and said that he would come but that (1) it wouldn't help and he could guarantee that i would leave there crying, (2) that there was no hope for us, and (3) that if he came to therapy it would be the last thing he would ever do for me. this is awful. going from engagement rings to meanness and spite within the space of five days.
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Well that speaks volumes doesn't it? A relationship can only work if both parties are willing to work on it. Still sounds to me like he is scared and allowing that to turn him into a petulant little chile. May as well go to the therapy session and see what happens. I would not have any great expectations however and might even consider an individual counseling session as well, later on. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 You have to know right now this isn't about you. He has depression and he is bipolar. Once you do some reading about depression and BP, you'll maybe understand what he is going through and why it's so hard for him to make that committment to you, that he has mood swings, just when you think things are good, BOOM, he'll do a 180 and things will suck. Sorry, but if you plan on staying with this guy, or even think about marrying him, THIS IS who he is. Yes, he can get help, seek counselling, get on meds, but he still will have depression and BP. The way he thinks, reacts and feels is much different than what you think, feel and react to. His mind plays tricks on him and can be quite negative. I'm sure he feels guilty as well, knowing how much you love him, and he loves you, but he can't change to be normal. This is who he is. Another thing to think about, more long term. Mental illness runs in families, so if you two have children, there's a good possibility they'll inherate these diseases. He can't DO the way you want him to, at times he just won't be capable of it. It takes a very strong person to deal with a depression partner, so you really need to think what is best for YOU long term...If you can handle his up's and down's forever.
serial muse Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Oh goodness. This sounds awful, mattie. I'm so sorry. I agree with nycgirl - go to therapy anyway. Important info might come out there, so that at the very least you can better understand what's going on with him. I went back and read your earlier posts about him before replying, and it's interesting - he did freak out a couple of times earlier, in "red flag" ways, about moving too quickly or getting too close. I don't know whether his flipflopping is related to his being bipolar or not - I just don't know enough about that. But regardless, it's causing you a lot of pain, and the most important thing for you to fix in your mind is that it's not about you. In fact, he hinted at that himself, when he said that it's not different from other women - and as painful as that is to hear, the subtext is that he has some very serious issues indeed, and unfortunately, you can't solve those for him. He needs to solve them himself, and he needs to want to. Therapy tonight might give you some of those answers, and shed light on these (probably long-standing) issues of his. I do think that that is what you'll get out of it, whether you leave crying or not. Go for you, not for him, and not for the relationship. Go to get answers, and to make up your own mind. You're not trying to convince him of anything - you're trying to decide for yourself whether this is someone that can ultimately make you happy. It may be that, when you listen to him talking to a third party about it, you will see him more clearly than you can now, and can see his behavior for what it is: separate from you, and possibly, at this time, insurmountable. I'm very sorry for your pain. Edited to add: WWIU gave a more thorough description of what it is to be bipolar than I could - and I think she's absolutely right. Please remember that it's not about you!
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Edited to add: WWIU gave a more thorough description of what it is to be bipolar than I could - and I think she's absolutely right. Please remember that it's not about you! *Just to clarify, I don't have depression and I'm not bipolar...I do however, suffer at times from anxiety* I've done enough reading up on this stuff, and talked to many who have suffered through depression and all sorts of mental disorders. Stick with the therapy, hopefully some good will come out of this.
serial muse Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 *Just to clarify, I don't have depression and I'm not bipolar...I do however, suffer at times from anxiety* I've done enough reading up on this stuff, and talked to many who have suffered through depression and all sorts of mental disorders. Stick with the therapy, hopefully some good will come out of this. OT: Oops, sorry - I didn't mean to imply that I think you're bipolar, WWIU! Just that you explained it well. Sorry for the confusion. /OT
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I know you didn't, lol, I just thought I'd put that in there, that's all. Not that there's anything wrong if I WAS seriously depressed and was BP. I do have the anxiety, that's enough for me, thanks!
Author mattie2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 he is not coming to therapy with me. after he said that (1) h doesn't think there is any hope for this relationship, (2) that i will only leave crying, and (3) that if he came this would be the last thing he would ever do for me, i just called him back, left a message, and told him not to come. maybe i should have had him come anyway. but i thought that, if that was the way it was going to be, maybe i was better off going by myself and having the therapist help me with the way i am feeling. this is awful! even though he has treated me poorly the last few days, i still miss him like hell. how can he just throw me away like this?
Cobra_X30 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Why do you even want this guy? Doesnt sound like much of a catch. More like a total D-Bag. I'd skip the therapy session with him and try to move on. Count yourself lucky~ how can he just throw me away like this? Because he is selfish and doesnt care how you feel!
Lauriebell82 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 That sounds like a terrible ordeal mattie. I think this may be in part because of his bipolar and because he is just plain scared. His "hot and cold" behavior is probably due to the anxiety he is feeling over the pace of the relationship. I think the best course of action (as much as it may hurt) is to tell him that you need to take a little break from each other. I mean 5 months is not a lot of time to know if you are going to spend the rest of your life together. My bf and I have been together for a little over a year and we are STILL learning new things about each other. He sounds really confused, and it is effecting you as well. I think just sitting him down and telling him how you are feeling may help. Tell him everything you told us and see what he says. I think he is playing mind games and it's effecting your relationship. He may try to manipulate the situation however, don't fall for it. As much as it may hurt you may have to let your bf go for awhile and let him sort out his feelings. Maybe he can't do it with you still being in his life so much. In the meantime occupy yourself as best you can, find other things to do. Good luck, you can do it!!!
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 how can he just throw me away like this? It's not that he doesn't care, he does care - He doesn't want to expose you to all the bad stuff that he is going through. He can barely cope as it is at times, during his low moments...He isn't capable of giving ALL of himself to you because of his depression and BP. Now, in one sense he is being selfish, but that is what mental illness does to people. It's all about him him and him - It isn't intentional or a game. Well, it could be, but I don't know enough about him to know if he is or not. If he isn't willing to go to therapy for himself, he isn't going to with you. HE has to see that HE has a problem, he needs help, he needs to be on meds...Nothing you do or say will change that UNTIL HE is ready to do something about it. Give him some space to think, don't cut him out of your life, just some time so he can sort stuff out.
Author mattie2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 we are meeting tomorrow after he meets with his therapist to make a decision about this...i know he is going to break up with me...i don't know what i am going to do...i am feeling awful...i don't know why this is happening
Author mattie2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 what do y'all think i can do or say during this meeting to help my chances of keeping him?
serial muse Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 What did your therapist say about this last night?
Author mattie2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 my therapist says he thinks my bf is having a "hypomanic episode." he didn't offer me much advice about what i should do...i think there isn't much i can do to help...i think these things have to run their course, hopefully shortened by medication my bf sounded depressed when i talked to him this morning, so i am not too, too hopeful. i am going to get a haircut to feel better. any advice on anything i could say to keep him around? is it hopeful that he is still coming?
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 All you can do right now is detach yourself abit from him, BE supportive, be a friend. He can't BE a boyfriend to you at the moment. He is slipping into depression more and more, having BP swings. Again, this isn't about you so don't take it that you've done something wrong, you haven't. This is the life of dealing with someone who is depressed and has BP. The rollercoaster ride, dealing with the monster (depression, BP). Go read my replies to you again, because it seems by what you've said so far, you're still not understanding what I'm saying about your boyfriend. He won't DO anything until HE feels ready to. Not maliciously, but because his coping measures aren't normal like yours. I hope this makes sense to you.
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