emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 the BF has let me down a few times .. sometimes its just on a normal weekend when we didnt have anything planned and that doesnt really bothe rme too much apart from i get lonely .. but there has been a few times he has let me down when important things have been happening. if we have a bad argument he will say he doesnt want to do what was planend any more or else he will jsut say that he isnt coming. a few months back a moved house, it was a sudden move and my mum and her hubby had already booked a holiday. my mum said they would cancell it to help me move in the new place. i asked the BF if he could deffinetly help me and coz he said that he could, i told me mum not to worry and to go on holiday n have a good time. anyway the weekend of the big move draws close and me and the BF have an argument and on the weekend of this move he blows me out knowing full well i wil lbe doing it single handedly and it was the biggest move i had ever done in my life and i was alreayd under alot of stress. i didnt even bother to ring him and beg him i just left it to see if he would make the contact and ask if i needed a hand .. but he didnt. he didnt even contact me to ask how things went. it took me 5 days longer then i was hoping. during the time he did that he was goign thru a very bad patch wher he generalyl was an a-hole and he has since said that he knows it was a bit bad etc and that aint him no more. there was another time when i was havin a misscarriage (i didnt know i was pregnant before hand though so hadnt really got attatched to the baby) and i was really upset and in loads of pain n soo emotional and i begged him to come over and hold me .. but coz we had been havign a few arguments over the previous few days he just refused to put arguments aside when i really needed him and come and be with me when i was losing his baby. now this is the recent one... lately he has prided himself on the fact that he aint liek what he used to be and he loves me loads and just wants me to be happy. i had arranged an early birthday celebration at the ministry of sound nightclub. i usualy go to drum n bass events but alot of my friends dont go to them any more becuase there is alot of attitude and people wanting to be bigger and betetr then the next person these days. so i fancied a change and thought id arrange a celebration that more of my friends will come to. i asked about 20 people and so far i knew that about 10 people wer edeffinetly going to meet me there. i have been looking forward to it for weeks.. especially becuase a few friends who i rarely see were going to be there. anyway we had an arguement on sunday.. it started off with something so minor and it escalated. we both said a few nasty things n he ended up goign home. i spoke to him yesterday and said sorry for my part in the argument and and asked him if he was still goign to come over and see me (he had a day off yesterday and we were suppsoed to go to a theme park but coz of the argument that was off).. i said even though we werent goign to go theme park he could stil come over as he had booked a day off work n we could have a nice time and sort things out n that i lvoe him n miss him. he wouldnt have any of it though and refused point blank to come over and said that nothing will make things better no matter how much i try n dress it up. so in the end i gave up trying to be nice and make things better and told him fair enough. i then text him and asked if he was still coming for my birthday but he said "no i just aint up for it now" i cant go without him coz he was driving into london and the club finishes at 4am and there is no way i can be hanign around in the dark waiting for the trains to start running at 5.30. its just too much of a mission for me to be going there and back alone on the trains. plus i realyl cant afford the train fares as they are so high i told him that it was my birthday and is he sure that he wants to blow out but he just told me to stop trying to worm my way to going out. so ive had to ring all my friends and tell them that the celebrations are cancelled. i dont get to go out alot any more coz i have daughter... so nights out are very very precious to me and i was so looking forwrd to going out and seeing all my friends. he said "I DONT FEEL THAT CLOSE TO YOU RIGHT NOW AND I KNOW ALL EYES ARE GONNA BE ON YOU AND I DONTWANNA BE IN YUO SHADOW ALL NIGHT WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY COZ I PROBABLY WONT ENJOY IT" surely he could make the exeption as its for my birthday???? he knows how much i was looking forward to it. ive tried to say sorry for my part but there is nothing i can do. do u think its safe to say that he is unreliable... or do yuo think its a normal thing to do when someone gets annoyed with someone????
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I think its safe to say that he will likely never change, and your relationship will be nothing but periods of disappointment - in between periods of wondering when the next disappointment will be. You can't change him. So... you'll either have to accept the relationship for as disappointing as it is and always will be, or you can change yourself and get yourself out of this and look for someone who will love you, care for you and not just SAY he loves you while showing adequately that he in fact, does not.
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 do u think itd be unreasonable of me to ask him if he could help me out with £20 so i can get the train into London to see friends on saturday instead seeing as friday night is cancelled coz i relyd on him. if we had gone on friday it woulda been alot cheaper coz he would have driven n then its free for ladies to get in the club before midnight. all my friends live in london an i dont drive so i know if i want to have a night away from home im goign to have to spend money on train fare. irealyl dont wanna be sitting in alone this weekend when i could go out coz my daughter will be at my mums. especialyl as i had been looking forward to a much needed night out. havent had a night out since 5-6 week ago and really need to go n let my hair down
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Is there no one else you could borrow the money from? Why on earth would you ask him?! If you want to go out - you need to find another way of doing it that does not rely on him. I think he's made that perfectly clear.
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 well i thought that he is the one that has ruined friday nite so he should at least help me out so i can go out on saturday instead if he refuses to budge about friday nite
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I hate to be so blunt, but you need to grow up. He has no obligation to you and if you keep having these types of expectations of him, he will just keep getting annoyed. I am not saying that annoying him is the worst thing in the world, but you either need to be able to find peace in your relationship with him, or learn how to live without him on your own. Personally I would be done with him - stupid arguments and snits do not allow one to walk away from social obligations in my book, and that's what he is doing. However continuing to call and point fingers at him/ask for things is not going to make the situation any better, and will likely make it worse. I am stunned at the way some people's minds work. He messed up your plans, so now he owes you? If he owes you anything it is an apology and/or a nice evening out, his treat. He certainly does not owe you money to go out the next night with others! Frankly if you can't afford the train fare to go out, you probably can't afford to go out at all. Again I am sorry to be so harsh, but it's the truth!
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 hmmm yes i agree... u r being harsh
lovelorcet Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Yes asking for money from him is very unreasonable.
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 not to give me. to lend it to me until i have work in the week after next.
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 its not as if its the first time ... i have lent him cash and he has lent me cash in the past. its not as if im gonna take the money and run
lovelorcet Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I think no matter how you spin this you are going to come out look bad when you ask him for money. Maybe you could think about making some other kinds of plans for the weekend, to keep busy but not having to spend a lot of money.
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Perhaps I am assuming too much here, you never state what you guys argue about - I am assuming it is you're asking for more than he is willing to give/do. Maybe if you elaborate on what you argue about it might help. I don't think I would change my position, but you can give it a try if you like.
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 stupid stupid things that are sooooo pathetic..... like him smoking weed. it makes him irritable and snappy and i have seen how lovely he was when he gave it up for 6 weeks and we didnt have one argument. then he smoked it once and fell on the downward spiral again there has been a few bad arguments when he has smoked it earlier on in the day. liek i wil say something that will be normal to other people but he switches it in his mind and thinks i mean something else n when i tell him he has got it all wrong he wil call me a bu****itter. ummm the arguemnt on sunday was very very stupid... a few weeks ago he played this tune and i didnt like it n said it was s**t. maybe i was a bit harsh to be so blunt but he got really angry about it n said that i was a bi**h for saying it was s**t and had the hump with me about it for ages. thing is ... i always play tunes i like n he sais they are crap or cheesy or s**t so i feel its one rule for me and one rule for him. on sunday we were out and i started singing a tune.. he kept repeateing that it was crap so then i asked him how he can say that tunes i liek are crap n cheesy but the one time i said a tune he liked was s**t .. he blew up at me n called me a selfish b**ch. he didnt see it liek that and got the hump with me and went n sat in the car n then when i got to the car there was a bad vibe n it all kicked off from there... i tried to explain that its not fair how he can say things about music i liek whenever he wants n make me feel silly for liking certain things but the one time i said somethign he likes was s**t... he got so angry at me and sulked for yonks see... really really stupid things start us arguing but its 99% of times when he has smoked earlier on. its not just me who thinks this.. his mum and sister have both noticed his mood swings when he has been smoking.
curiousnycgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 He sounds toxic to me! I think you need to step away and move on! Is this the type of relationship you want your daughter to grow up seeing? Make new plans for saturday night, ones you can better afford, and let him go! You don't need that kind of BS in your life.
jcster Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Have you ever noticed how you two get in fights right before he feels obligated to do something? Isn't it funny how you always make up after the event/issue is over and he can just show up and hang out again? This guy doesn't want the responsibility of a girlfriend, and he doesn't care enough about you to be there when you need him. You have put up with it, though, for so long that he feels like it's ok. Making him pay for your trip into the city is just another part of the game. He messes up, you make him pay...it will go on forever until you stop it.
climbergirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Emma, I think it's pretty clear that he isn't reliable-do you really want to date someone you can't count on? Isn't that the cornerstone of a relationship...to be able to trust the other and trust what they say? I personally don't think it matters what the arguments are about, because the way I see it and IME, he's using the social obligations to force your hand and to make you pay for the argument. And it sounds like he's done it a few times and most likely won't change, so I agree with the others that you either have to accept that you will always have this type of relationship or find someone who will do what they say they'll do. And, please, forget about the money.
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 u dont knwo how much i hate him for this... i needed a night out 2 let my hair down so much, im gonna be stuck in on my own when i know i coulda been out havign a good time coz my daughter wont be here. i havent got any friends i i can go and see... i dont know anyone is this area. all my friends are in London and it'l cost me the same price on the train that it would have done to go to the club. i am sooo fuming and upset and gutted. it makes it worse coz i know he is gonna be out with his mates probably friday and saturday while im stuck in on my own liek i am most nights
jcster Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 He's never going to stop doing this. The only way to make it stop is to stop putting up with it. And... for you to stop depending upon him to pay for things. It sounds like you're more angry that he's not going to get you to London than that you two won't be together on your birthday.
Author emmaUK Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 hmmm im more angry coz i was so looking 4ward to seeing alot of friends that i havent seen for a while and jsut the whole birthday celebration thing. i invited about 20 people and i knew that at least 10 would deff be there and i have had to have the embaressment of havign to ring them all and tell them its off now i been building the whole night up in my head for ages coz my last birthday was the worst nite ever so i was hoping to make up for it. he wasnt paying for me to go out on friday anyway... he was just driving up there so i would have got up to london and not had to worry about trains. i would have still contributed a little amount to petrol money... i always do when we go out and he drives. so really he wasnt paying anything apart from maybe a little more petrol money then me... i had guest list to the club so i wouldnt have had to pay entry either,
sb129 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Emma FFS. Your BF is a manipulative bully. He does what he wants when he wants regardless of how nasty it is. But YOU LET him get away with it, because you always take him back. If my BF pulled that kind of sh*t on me, he would be out the door, and he knows it. Your BF knows he can do whatever the F he wants, and he will still be able to come back to you when he feels like a booty call. I am not saying you are an angel, because I can imagine the kind of fights you have, but girl would you get some self RESPECT please? Dammit, I am tempted to PAY you £20 to dump him forever.
sb129 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 PS- if i were you, I would have said to BF- up yours mate, its my birthday and I will bloody well go out anyway. I would have asked for the train fare for a present from a friend. Can;t you get the bus? Surrey isn't a million miles away, there are night buses to Surrey. (N155, 57, etc) look up http://www.tfl.gov.uk
Trialbyfire Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Emma, he's not responsible for you. Regardless of your reasoning, he hasn't ruined your plans. That your financial situation isn't to the right level, isn't his problem. Having said that, he's a jerk. Why would you put up with is treatment of you in so many ways? Until you hold him emotionally accountable, like walking away from an unhealthy relationship, he'll keep playing you like a fiddle.
sb129 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Emma, he's not responsible for you. Regardless of your reasoning, he hasn't ruined your plans. That your financial situation isn't to the right level, isn't his problem. . This is true. If you weren't so reliant on him, he wouldn't be ABLE to do this to you. Can't you stay the night in London with a friend? Surely they are close enough friends for you to be able to stay over one night?
Trialbyfire Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 This is true. If you weren't so reliant on him, he wouldn't be ABLE to do this to you. Can't you stay the night in London with a friend? Surely they are close enough friends for you to be able to stay over one night? Some excellent advice here. Why not go home with a female friend who might be able to give you a lift the next morning or you can catch some form of public transport in broad daylight?
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