flyingdance Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 We agreed 1.5 months ago, that we should NC and give him 2 months to figure out what to do with his marriage, and he felt he had to give his W another chance since he broke up with her immedialy when he got together with me, while she didn't have any time to re-act. Being stick to NC for 1.5 months. It was hard since we work at the same place. I tried to avoid him and even I bump into him somewhere, I would put up the strong look that I didn't really wanna get into any conversation with him. Even for work issue, I tried not to talk to him and being cold, since I am afraid that I might break down. I am worried that he might take that as I don't want to have anything to do with him. Deep down I really wish him to come back. So now it's getting close to the 2 month limit. Realistically I don't think 2 months period is not long enough for him to really know to settle things down. So should I ask him for an update? Or should I just assume that he is not coming back and move on if he doesn't contact me by the end of the 2 month? Any suggestion?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Move on. The two month period isn't him trying to break things off in his marriage. Its him trying to do damage control so that he doesn't lose his wife. He will try to convince you otherwise though, and will try to find a way to get you back into his life when he is feeling more secure about his marriage. He has you tagged firmly as "OW", and unless you want to make that position permanent I would suggest sticking to your NC. When you hear from him (and you probably will), you should let him know that the only way he will be allowed into your life at all is when he brings you the signed and notarized divorce papers, and a copy of the lease on his new place. Until then, he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form.
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 You've gone this far with NC, so just continue that. You are right, 2 months isn't a long enough time for him to sort things out with his wife and give his marriage another chance. LB is 100% right, so listen to her advice.
outofdarkness Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 We agreed 1.5 months ago, that we should NC and give him 2 months to figure out what to do with his marriage, and he felt he had to give his W another chance since he broke up with her immedialy when he got together with me, while she didn't have any time to re-act. Being stick to NC for 1.5 months. It was hard since we work at the same place. I tried to avoid him and even I bump into him somewhere, I would put up the strong look that I didn't really wanna get into any conversation with him. Even for work issue, I tried not to talk to him and being cold, since I am afraid that I might break down. I am worried that he might take that as I don't want to have anything to do with him. Deep down I really wish him to come back. So now it's getting close to the 2 month limit. Realistically I don't think 2 months period is not long enough for him to really know to settle things down. So should I ask him for an update? Or should I just assume that he is not coming back and move on if he doesn't contact me by the end of the 2 month? Any suggestion? yep...move on...ALL A's end up in diseaster except for a RARE exception...
annabelle75 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Its probably time to move on. i suspect you aren't going to get the answers you want when the 2 months is up. I cringe every time I see a OW posts that they offered their MM or their MM asked that they be given a few months or whatever amount of time it happens to be to "firgure things out" or to "end the marriage amicably". Its a bunch of bull****. When some is done with a marriage, they are DONE. They leave. They don't stick around to do damage control. And if there is even the slightest bit of doubt that they might not want to leave, they stay. Thats just the way it is. Usually when an MM asks for "time" he is just putting you on the back burner while he does damage control to fix his marriage. I hate to say it, but if he's gone this long with out you he is probably done with your relationship. Or at the very least he is not leaving his W and might expect you to continue to be his OW. I hope I am wrong though, for your sake.
Author flyingdance Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 I guess the reason I am kindda holding some hope is because I think my case is a little different than most affairs described here. He broke up the marriage and had his wife moved out when we started, never really dated me as a secret, and he's been working on one relationship at a time not both. I thought he must be very unhappy at home or otherwise he wouldn't be so sure to leave. Does that count? or I am imaging things?
lovernotafighter Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I guess the reason I am kindda holding some hope is because I think my case is a little different than most affairs described here. He broke up the marriage and had his wife moved out when we started, never really dated me as a secret, and he's been working on one relationship at a time not both. I thought he must be very unhappy at home or otherwise he wouldn't be so sure to leave. Does that count? or I am imaging things? I wish I could tell you yours is different..but I think all of us thought ours was different at one time or another..I'm very sorry (((FlyingDance)))
BklynGuy Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Move on. The two month period isn't him trying to break things off in his marriage. Its him trying to do damage control so that he doesn't lose his wife. He will try to convince you otherwise though, and will try to find a way to get you back into his life when he is feeling more secure about his marriage. He has you tagged firmly as "OW", and unless you want to make that position permanent I would suggest sticking to your NC. When you hear from him (and you probably will), you should let him know that the only way he will be allowed into your life at all is when he brings you the signed and notarized divorce papers, and a copy of the lease on his new place. Until then, he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. This is the ultimate truth. Once you allow yourself to be viewed as something in the eyis of another, they will treat you accordingly. I've stuck it out with women while they attempt to figure out how to get away from or leave their SO's. Who ends up screwed in the end? The OM, OW. Don't do it to yourself. Don't let the "tag" you as someone willing to deal with their scraps of time and energies. Have your own self esteem. Sometimes we have to fight off those we care for or are attracted to, because they're unhealthy for us. Another thing, chances are if he did this to her, he'll do it to you eventually. Leopards don't change their spots.
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