The Post Break Up Coffee

[kirikat]

My ex came over yesterday to bring back my things. Because I thought it would be today, I looked like hell. Extra ironic, being that he was so flipped about my age that I actually spent a lot of money on having needles shoved in my face... and I look fabulous. However, there would have been no way to see how great I look, and how much wieght Ive lost, being that I was smeared in last nights mascara, with sweaty greasy hair - and slightly nasty sweatpants.

 

 

So, he wanted to talk.

 

He looked like hell. He has been sick since the break up six weeks ago (its not related of course... just caught a long cold, I suppose)

 

He feels he made the right decision (to stay broken up) - though he is currently miserable. He was feeling bored, and that we had played it out alll the way.

 

He told me that leaving me was the hardest thing he's ever done, and that he was confused, and unhappy... and that he needs to grow up, but he doesnt know how.

 

He tried to justify his ambivalent behavior, citing the fact that we only saw each other 2 days a week - so I should have known. I told him I did... but reminded him that every time I complained, every time I tried to leave, he told me to please stay... it wasnt me, it was the thesis.... etc.

 

I reminded him that I waited for the thesis to be finished, as I promised. Then I left.

 

He told me that he "really tried".... I asked him how that could be, if he spent a year, pushing me away.

 

He said he was confused.

 

I asked him why he looked so sad. He said he wasnt, just sad because I was.

 

Finally, I told him that I dont believe he intended to hurt me.... so... what exactly was his positive intention in all this. THEN he dropped the bomb...

 

"I wanted to find some way that you and I and Spike could be a family"

 

Oh. My. God.

 

In all this year of ambivalence, of never knowing where I stood, of trying to be cool when I was being held at arms length, of being patient, because as slow as progress was, there was progress... he never ever once said this to me, he never ever stated that this was serious (until the end, when he began to run in earnest....) - he never once behaved in any way that would lead me to believe that his intention was in any way serious.....

 

And I told him... if ever once you had said this, it would have been so different. I would have relaxed. I would have been completely honest. I would not have felt I was losing you, so I never would have held on so tight that you felt the need to push me away..... I wouldnt have spent a year in love, feeling lonely.... because we had a common goal... and I never knew it.

 

He loved me. And he didnt know it.... and now he is suffering, and I am actually moving on.

 

This is all so sad, and has been all so unnecessary.... and all because he had a hidden agenda, and didnt tell me... because he wasnt certain.

 

I must say though, it was nice... to see him so unhappy, so confused, and to see that I havent been alone in hurting, and to see that I am actually handling this far better than he is.... and that I am actually far closer to being able to move on than he is.

 

Wow. It takes my breath away.

[kirikat]

I need to bump this up a little.. because folks... I am having a hard time processing this conversation.

 

I dont know if I was feeling better after and this morning because Im addicted and was in sight of my drug...

 

But this afternoon, the complexity and hopelessness all hit me full force, and I have spent the afternoon crying... trying to figure out "What Was That?"

 

Any ideas?

[Biker2007]

Have you really moved on? It appears that you still have genuine feelings for your ex. The real question is can you forgive him and trust him again…

 

Perhaps his ambivalence was a self protection mechanism and not a hidden agenda…had he been seriously hurt by someone in the past. I have never been afraid to put all my cards on the table, but after my last relationship, I am not so sure I won’t be a little reserved w/ the next person. And that scares me.

 

Your ex has made it somewhat easy…You know how he feels. So, perhaps the next step is for you to figure out what you want? Is it still possible for you and the ex to talk things through and make another attempt at the relationship?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

kirikat, aww I feel for you. I don't really have any advice to give because I'm going through a bad situation myself. Trying to withdraw from an ex. I haven't had the meetup day yet but wow, I can't imagine going through that. =( I hope that now, though, you can officially "move on". Personally, I don't believe in second chances.

[kirikat]

hi... he didnt ask for a second chance. He didnt even hint at a second chance.... he saiid he was confused, and that he didnt know how he felt about me, and that he doesnt think he is capable of loving ... (it was me, watching his body, his face, and his contradictive and confused words, thinking "you moron, that IS love, and you blew it".)

 

I am not sure that moving on means you dont have feelings for someone, or technically I havent movied on from my high school sweetheart.

 

I am trying to stay compassionate, open, knowing he is just another human looking to be happy.... but a part of me is thinking.... "You hurt me, you immature jerk"

 

He had an intention of making it work, yet he purposefully held me at arms length. He expressed doubts regularly, yet begged me to stay. He told he didnt think we had a future, and then told me he couldnt imagine his life without me in it.

 

If he were a bad person, I would just say that he was in it for the sex, and was using me... but he wasnt.

 

I was hoping the meeting would give me some closure, and maybe it has... I mean it did tell me that I wasnt imagining the whole thing...

 

But, man oh man, what a mess!

[Biker2007]

Kirikat,

I read some of your other posts to get a little more perspective…the ex does sound like he was giving you quite a few mixed signals over the last year. I know how frustrating that can be. To hear every 3 months that he has doubts would really concern me…were you able to get a reason from him why he did not see a future for you guys? When everything else s going so well, it is not easy to ask the tough questions.

 

To me moving on would mean that I no longer think of the ex in a romantic way. I may love them, but I am not “in love” with them. I know my future is elsewhere. I don’t want to appear like I am preaching because I am currently trying to “move on” from an ex that gave me mixed signals galore. I was crazy about her. We could go on 4-6 hour bike rides, enjoy a nice dinner out, etc. and seemed to be on the same page as to where the relationship was headed. Then one day, things started to unravel. Since it stopped so suddenly, I have too many unanswered questions to say, “I have moved on”!

 

Stay compassionate, but first to yourself! Make sure you know what you need to be happy in a LTR. If you get the chance to ask him if he can provide that, great. If not, you are closer to being ready to move on and find the right person.

 

It does sound like you guys have a lot to talk about even if it is just to get closure. You know he has strong feelings for you, but is that enough? I know this will not be an easy decision, but it does sound like you have some control over the situation.

 

I don’t know if I helped at all, but I will be curious to see how you decide to handle this. Good luck!

[kirikat]

Biker... thank you for your kind words.

 

I know there will be a time where there will be a future. There will be another love, somone who is not confused about me, about my child - (and I own, that usually I am the one on the other side of this fence, with someone who loves me to death, but whom I simply cannot see a future with...)

 

The difference is that I KNOW why there is no future, am able to articulate it, and am capable of staying in loving relationship with someone, because in past relationships I have always made certain that there was a solid basis of friendship.

 

Also, I have been very cautious with the men in my life... if I see no spiritual base for the relationship - I make sure that they know that THIS, and THIS alone is the cause. It has been now 5 years since my divorce, and I knew that I was not ready, in any sense, to make commitments that included both family, future, and passion.

 

Something changed with this one. There was a spirtual kinship - and, on occasion he would make note of it too (and this was usually followed by the quarterly announcemnt that there was no future.... followed by the, OK lets break this now, followed by the "Please, don't go")

 

Or maybe I am full of ****, and I simply was responding to the "no". It could be I still wasnt ready, so I stayed in love with someone who wasnt available... becuase somewhere it felt safer.

 

In any case, I of course DID ask - but the answers were never very profound. I mean, whenever I asked, there was much soul searching across his face, to be followed by "Well, because it bothers me that you leave the lights on all the time".

 

He was in this for a reason, but I think the reason is obscure to him as well. He is deeply disturbed by his own lack of depth (the term is poco profundo in Italian)....

 

But ultimately, there is culture at work as well. I am 8 years older. I have a 7 year old. I am an American, and he is Italian... and cultural expectations here are clear... you marry a girl 5 years younger, you have a child, she does the housework and irons the sheets while the men do as they please, you live seperate lives - and thats how every one does it. I cannot discount this, because I see the deep conflicts in every intercultural marriage I've seen here.

 

Even though he claims that he has never wanted that life, it is the life he has seen modeled, and I am NOT a part of that photograph. I am the absolute antithesis of this model. (Sheets arent ironed, I want a companion not another son, and there is not a good god damned thing I can do about my age)

 

He stayed in this for a reason. He may never know that reason.

 

The only thing I can do is move forward, look to the future - I wish this felt definitively over, but it doesnt "feel" that way..... oh well. Maybe in our next lives.

 

So, I maintain no contact. And I know... deep in my heart, that the MINUTE I have really really let go, his sorry butt is going to show up like a bad penny - and by then it will be truly too late.

[MartianChronicles]

 

He had an intention of making it work, yet he purposefully held me at arms length. He expressed doubts regularly, yet begged me to stay. He told he didnt think we had a future, and then told me he couldnt imagine his life without me in it.

 

 

hmmm... been there, seen that too...

 

i don't know him, so i can't speak for certain but... if he'd only been in for the sex, he wouldn't have wanted to meet you. if he'd only been in for the sex, he wouldn't be sad now

 

looks like, at some point, he got confused and scared over the whole situation, and consequently panicked.

[Biker2007]

I know it is not always easy to make a relationship work, but damn it should not be this difficult either. IMO, if someone is still on the fence about me after a year, I would probably get frustrated and leave…I have a tendency to end relationships pretty quickly after I determine that there is no future. I would rather be on my own and available to meet the right girl for me. This made sense to me until my last relationship. Now being on my own is killing me.

 

I am not a big believer in the saying, “time heals all wounds”, but it does appear that you will move past the current ex in due time. Next time, remember to stay compassionate…to yourself. To hell w/ ironing the sheets and ex‘s that are poco profundo!

 

I hope you recover from this quickly and find that special person you deserve. Until then…

[kirikat]

I did get frustrated and leave.

 

But I wish the tears would stop. I wish I didnt feel so foolish. I wish I could turn back time, and have had the self possession to walk out the first time he expressed doubt.

 

I keep replaying that last coversation in my mind, and I feel stupid. I should have known better.... I should have said "oh screw you - if you dont feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have me in your life and in your bed, take a hike"

 

And still, I cry. I wake in the morning, and he isnt here, and I burst into tears, and my little boy wakes, and holds me, and says "Shhhh.... Mamma, I'm here, don't worry".......

 

I want to erase this tape, I want him to vanish from my existance, I wish this year had never happened, that we had never met..... in this case having loved and lost is not better than never having loved at all.

[kirikat]

Tears in the early morning darkness

 

 

Someday, maybe, when I grow up, I will learn to control my thoughts without simply shutting down my feelings.

 

This morning before daybreak, I woke. Dog, cat, whatever. I looked up, and it was dark. And then the dark thoughts came, the recording of the last conversation...

 

And as I listened to Ale again, I began to feel stupid. I mean, really stupid. "I only saw you twice a week... I held you away... you should have known".... and I began to cry. I felt ashamed, and stupid, and ridiculous. How COULD I have let this happen... how could I have allowed myself to be treated in such a way.

 

I mean, Ale... were you really using me? How is it that I was apparently so mistaken? Your face would light up when you saw me, once upon a time. You would come up behind me, and embrace me.... and tell me how "comfortable" it was.... and I would see you rejoice in it....

 

And now, you justify the whole affair, by telling me that I should have known better.

 

And now, I think of you, and I cry. I cry a lot.

 

You mother ****er.... I asked your permission each step of the way. I told you I was falling in love. I TOLD you I was getting attached. I told you I was scared. You told me it would be okay, that I was safe... and now, you have left a 7 year old child to pick up the pieces, to be there in the early morning light, to wrap his arms around me and say "Shhh.... Mama, I'm here, its ok, I love you... shhh"

 

I hate you. My love is turning to hate, because it is the only thing I can think of to do.... and while I am good at love, I am really really bad at hate. All I want to do now is erase you, turn back the tape, and wish you out of existance.

[MartianChronicles]

*** hugs ***

 

i don't know what to say, dear... except that i've been feling sad and low since this morning.

so it must be the day, today

 

hope it passes soon

[Biker2007]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time…I know not much I can say will make the pain go away. Just know I (and many others) are hear to listen.

 

I think I was drawn to your story b/c I feel like I am going through some of the same crap at the moment. Mornings are a very difficult on me…that is the time when I run through all the scenarios of what I would say to my ex if I were to talk to her again.

 

Learn from your experiences. If you can, try not to beat yourself up. You trusted Ale to be there for you. He wasn’t. Now it’s time to find that man (besides your son) that will be there for you. I have a large giant schnauzer that gets to watch me struggle through this mess. I have cried more than I thought possible over someone that told me all was fine. Her actions did not match her words. Now I know better.

 

It will be tough for us both to trust the next time around, but we have to! I am slowly learning what it means to me, to love somebody else and what I expect in return. The following sums up what I am offering to give and what I demand in return:

 

Love is friendship that has caught fire.

It appear as quiet understanding, trust, sharing, and forgiving.

Love remains loyal through the good and bad.

It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weakness.

Love feels content w/ the present; it hopes for the future; it does not brood over the past.

Love includes the day in and day out chronicle of irritations, problems, and compromises; the small disappointments, big victories, and common goals.

If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack.

If you do not have it, no matter what else you have, it never feels enough.

 

Hopefully, the dark days will be less frequent and good times are coming. I think we are both due.