Ashbash11 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Okay, I've been suffering for a long time with this and I've been avoiding posting about it because I don't want to seem utterly pathetic. However, I think it's at the point where I will anyway, regardless. So, my ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for 2 years now (longer than we went out!!) but the catch is that he was my first- first boyfriend, first kiss, first love.. etc etc. I recently moved to the same city as he lives in to go to school. We actually go to the same graduate school now, which is both a blessing and a curse. We've remained pretty close friends since the breakup, but it's been a rocky friendship (what friendship with an ex isn't??) And I find myself obsessing over him STILL. I know he's dating other girls, and I know I should date other guys and I have, but none of them have compared.. There was no chemistry or they ended up being players or things just plain didn't work out. I guess I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything- I've done the no-contact thing, (we spent 7 months apart while I was studying abroad) I've gone off and made new friends and improved myself.. everything those self-help books tell you to do.. But I am still not over him after this long!! What's wrong with me? It doesn't take this long for normal people to get over their exes, does it? I feel like I'm living in this hell of being obsessed with him lonnnggg after I should be. When I think of him with another girl, something dies inside of me. It breaks my heart to imagine us with other people, but that's what's in the cards for us. I thought we might reconcile down the road, but he's not showing any signs of wanting that. It's like I just can't accept that it's over. I keep thinking that something is still going to happen between us down the road. Is it wrong to still think this even after 2 years? Does this mean that even 10 years later I will still be thinking that we will get back together? I guess I just feel that we had/have a genuine connection that I've never experienced with any other guy. We understand each other, and we make each other laugh.. he's one of my best friends and being around him makes me happier than I could ever imagine.. I'm just not sure how to really get over it. Maybe I never will? Does anyone have any similar experiences or tips for genuinely moving forward?
ftheunion Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Ya, its evolutionary type junk. It is suppose to keep things together. You might make small talk and tell him you not sure if you'll ever finish getting over him (it can last up to seven years according to scientists) who knows how much longer. Just tell him you don't know what to think about other than him, so ask him what you should think about. Do this calmly and casually. What is the worst that can happen? it is better than stasis.
kirikat Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Consider this possibility; by staying hooked on him, though it hurts... you are actually keeping yourself safe, by not putting yourself out there, and by not taking any risks. As long as you allow yourself to focus on him, you are not available for intimacy any where else.... This is a good technique for self protection, though it is a bad strategy for long term happiness. Try and reframe / rethink this problem from the point of veiw of what you are "getting" from this, what the advantages are for you. This might help you make a new decision.
Author Ashbash11 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 I would theoretically like to tell him that I'm thinking about him all the time and ask what to do, but I'd be too embarassed to do that! I'm too embarassed to admit to him how obsessed I am. I can bet that he doesn't think about me nearly as much....
Double D Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Ashbash I feel for you. I went out with my ex for 6 months yet 10 months on since we broke up, I still think about her constantly and it hurts my head. Sometimes get stomach cramps at the thought of thinking bout her and what we had because it was an intense 6 months. What im trying to do is keep concentrating on myself and doing what I need to do to be happy. Im sure she also doesnt think about anywhere near as much as I think about her.
Chuckles84 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Ash, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I too am stuck on my first everything. We dated on and off for nearly 5 years through HS and while we were apart one time she got pregnant and go married..Long story on that. She's told me many times that if I had acted sooner then she would have left him for me but now with the situation she is in things are more complicated. We too went with out contact for a year and still I thought about her. I hid my feelings for nearly 4 years because I thought they wouldn't be returned..until 5 months ago. We started talking more frequently and I found out that she too felt the same way only now our feelings are more intense. But our situation is more complicated since she is now married with 3 little girls. You have to ask yourself are you willing to bring the full brunt of your feelings back to the surface or continue to try and hide them? Best thing to do is express how you feel towards him and see how he feels in return. If he doesn't feel the same I think it will give you closure. If he does feel the same maybe you two can see if the relationship was meant to be or not. The longer you wait though the less chance you two have of being together if you two do truly share the same feelings for one another. It kills me to think that I was so disconnected and not realizing at the time how much she meant to me and by how my inactions it would hurt me so hard in the end. Life is short so if you know something will make you happier than anything else you need to grab a hold of it and not let go. Otherwise in the end you'll regret not taking actions. Lord knows we all have regrets about what we've done and have not done. Are you willing to live with the possibility of losing him because you didn't act soon enough? Take it from me, it HURTS and it hurts REALLY REALLY BAD! I don't think I will EVER get over it or get over her in general. I'm trying hard to cut all communications off with her for my own well being, but as I'm sure you know it's hard. To me cutting her from my life completely is the only conceivable way of actually moving on, if it's even possible. Part of me wants to keep her in my life in case she does leave him. The other part says that if I stick around but with a barrier maybe she will leave him and I can be right there and have her jump into my arms like we both in the end want. But in the end its up to you and every situation is different. I could go into more detail about everything I think, feel etc but it's not me we're talking about here. At any rate I wish you success.
CaliGuy Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Maybe I never will? Does anyone have any similar experiences or tips for genuinely moving forward? You will when you've decided you're tired of feeling this way. The main tips for moving on, if I had to compile them would be: Strict NO CONTACT! Hang out with friends often. Dive into new hobbies. Work out at the gym, every day for at least an hour. Seek counseling. There's nothing to be ashamed in that. Focus on self improvement, rebuilding confidence and self-esteem. Accept that "it is what it is" and forgive yourself and move on. Understand that unless you can make yourself happy you will never truly understand how to make someone else happy in a relationship with you. That is the slimmed down version of how to move on. When you get to the point where you can think of him and it doesn't make you upset, you're on the right track.
loveinlife Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Just wondering about the recovery times. thank you.
Curious139 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 The main tips for moving on, if I had to compile them would be: Strict NO CONTACT! Hang out with friends often. Dive into new hobbies. Work out at the gym, every day for at least an hour. Seek counseling. There's nothing to be ashamed in that. Focus on self improvement, rebuilding confidence and self-esteem. Accept that "it is what it is" and forgive yourself and move on. Understand that unless you can make yourself happy you will never truly understand how to make someone else happy in a relationship with you. Thanks Caliguy, I needed that. I've never really understood about how to move on - and I'm 52! I still think about old loves. I guess moving on is when we accept it is over and hope dies. It just takes longer for some of us.
Double D Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Thanks for that Caliguy. When do you know you have moved on? I can think of her and it doesnt upset me 'too much' but I can feel nausea. I also realise we were not to be and all that stuff. I guess Im having a hard time to forgiving myself for my part of the break-up and but ive more or less have done everything in that list you gave but still dont feel ive moved on. GRRRRRRR!
CaliGuy Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Thanks for that Caliguy. When do you know you have moved on? When you stop wondering what your ex is up to. When you think about them being intimate with someone else and it doesn't phase you. When you start dating other people and never mention or think about the ex. When you realize you don't need them anymore. When you start to understand that making yourself happy is the most important thing and DO something about it. I can think of her and it doesnt upset me 'too much' but I can feel nausea. I also realise we were not to be and all that stuff. That's a good stepping point. I guess Im having a hard time to forgiving myself for my part of the break-up and but ive more or less have done everything in that list you gave but still dont feel ive moved on. GRRRRRRR! Forgiving yourself is every bit as important as forgiving them in regards to moving on. We all make mistakes and are human. We also tend to be too tough on ourselves sometimes. Give yourself a break. Just learn from the mistakes. That's what broken relationships are all about. If you're learning and making improvements, that's good. If you keep repeating the same mistakes in each relationship, that's not so good.
Double D Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Very enlighting thanks. Looking at your post, I would say that I am on the right track but not quite there. I still wonder what she is up too. Indifferent with the thought about her with someone else. Not quite reafy to date yet but will be soon. Definately know I dont need her anymore. And making myself happy and working towards my ambitions has always been paramount to me. Im getting there. Thanks for the wise words Caliguy.
the_otherhalf Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I am in this boat too. It's been a little more than six months since he broke up with me after a four-year relationship. It makes me feel so stupid! How can I still be here, in the same state as before? Well not exactly the same, but close enough... I watch his life move on. He's dating someone else and is just as happy as can be... I'm bogged down. It's not that I don't want to date, it's that I feel like I have no time, I don't know where to even start looking.
Double D Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I hear you! It feels like a massive effort, which Im not quite ready. All the while the ex is living it up. Someone said that they dont deserve to have so much thought from you and thats so true but so hard to shake.
Author Ashbash11 Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 It does make you feel stupid, I can definitely relate. I think I've started to accept that I will always have feelings for my ex and maybe the only way for me to move on will be to stop fighting that fact and just go with it. So, I'll always have feelings for him! So what? Life has to go on.
Double D Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I hear that one Ashbash and I think I came to that some conclusion about 6 months into N/C I realised that she will most probably always have a peace of my heart and in my thoughts. I think the trick is not to let it consume you and dicate your life. As you rightly said So What Life goes on and if they dont still think about us in the same way then thats they choice. We are who we are!
Curious139 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I think I've started to accept that I will always have feelings for my ex and maybe the only way for me to move on will be to stop fighting that fact and just go with it. So, I'll always have feelings for him! So what? Life has to go on. Absolutely agree. I think we are untrue to ourselves when we try to forget someone we loved. If it was real, then they will always lie in a secret place in your heart. They are part of your history, your emotional development, the person you are today.
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