Chrome Barracuda Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Wow in light of this new evidence I'm surprised that he's still here. listen up to the way I see it, you've been given a great chance to save your marriage contingent upon you ride the emotional rollercoster and deal with your husbands anger. It light of what darth is telling me, your husband is justified in his anger. Now it crosses the line when the anger goes physical. But right now you have to have total transparency and make him believe in you again! The way he sees you now is like damaged goods, he's trying to figure out if this marriage is even worth it. And if you dont have kids prior to this marriage, this is making it harder on him to even forgive you let alone, let go of the anger. Now the way I see it, is that, there will come a time when he will let everything go and work on forgiving you and from there you can get back what you had. Or he can just outright take everything he owns , get a uhaul and haul ass. Where I from I've seen men beat their women for even talking to another man, you are so lucky to have walked away from this affair with no true consequences! If my woman did this to me, there would be no discussion, there would be no reconciliation, The day she left for work, I would pack all my **** and leave my wedding ring on the table with divorce papers. and never contact her again. be happy you are lucky to have a man so forgiving. If you love him. Prove it. Assuage his fears and work on making yourself a great wife. It's gonna take time, but that's what's worth it. I dont know what else to say.
ookla_2 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 upto_here: Yes, you did wrong. You had an A. From what I read from other posters, you also got pregnant and had an abortion? And your husband knows this? What I'm concerned with is the sudden increase in sex. Do you feel you have no choice, that if you don't feel like having sex, he will once again bring up the affair? Is it mean, angry sex? (I can't imagine it not being mean and angry, with what you have told us) If so, then you most certainly do NOT have to continue with it. It seems like that is the way he is trying to humiliate you - to punish you for humiliating him. It's a real response, and I can understand him being angry....however, it's still YOUR body, and if he is using it in a way that makes you feel degraded, then that's no different than if he had hauled off and hit you. It sounds to me like you have sucked it up and taken it for two months now...because of your own guilt. I am not saying that you shouldn't feel guilt - you deliberately caused him pain, and certainly DO have a lot of making up to do. However, you are still a person and still have the right to protect your own body and your own sanity, and I'm afraid that continuing on this way...letting him continue to beat you down like this...is not going to be any more helpful to the marriage in the long run. Do you feel like he loves you? Do you feel like he wants to keep the marriage because he truly loves you and wants to be with you forever? Or do you feel like he, at this point, just wants to punish you for a while? I'm sorry if I missed it - did you say how long you two have been married? Are there any kids?
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Do you feel like he loves you? Do you feel like he wants to keep the marriage because he truly loves you and wants to be with you forever? Or do you feel like he, at this point, just wants to punish you for a while? I'm sorry if I missed it - did you say how long you two have been married? Are there any kids? ookla... she is as good as property in this marriage. Read what is between the lines here.
ookla_2 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 ookla... she is as good as property in this marriage. Read what is between the lines here. That's kind of the way I was imagining it, and it sounds like an utterly miserable way to live to me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 upto_here: Yes, you did wrong. You had an A. From what I read from other posters, you also got pregnant and had an abortion? And your husband knows this? What I'm concerned with is the sudden increase in sex. Do you feel you have no choice, that if you don't feel like having sex, he will once again bring up the affair? Is it mean, angry sex? (I can't imagine it not being mean and angry, with what you have told us) If so, then you most certainly do NOT have to continue with it. It seems like that is the way he is trying to humiliate you - to punish you for humiliating him. It's a real response, and I can understand him being angry....however, it's still YOUR body, and if he is using it in a way that makes you feel degraded, then that's no different than if he had hauled off and hit you. It sounds to me like you have sucked it up and taken it for two months now...because of your own guilt. I am not saying that you shouldn't feel guilt - you deliberately caused him pain, and certainly DO have a lot of making up to do. However, you are still a person and still have the right to protect your own body and your own sanity, and I'm afraid that continuing on this way...letting him continue to beat you down like this...is not going to be any more helpful to the marriage in the long run. Do you feel like he loves you? Do you feel like he wants to keep the marriage because he truly loves you and wants to be with you forever? Or do you feel like he, at this point, just wants to punish you for a while? I'm sorry if I missed it - did you say how long you two have been married? Are there any kids? B.S!!! He's not uising sex to hurt his wife, he's doing something called hysterical bonding. He's in essence trying to reclaim what he feels what's rightfully his, and that's his wife. It's like when a woman claims this is her man and no other bitch lays dominion over him but her. Ony a female can come on here and simply state that he's doing it to hurt her, give me a break! you do not hurt someone through sex unless it's anal and sometimes a female likes that. lol. but let's not get off topic. Guys mentally have a hard time getting through this, just ride it out, if your commited, leave the decision making up to him.
ookla_2 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 B.S!!! He's not uising sex to hurt his wife, he's doing something called hysterical bonding. He's in essence trying to reclaim what he feels what's rightfully his, and that's his wife. It's like when a woman claims this is her man and no other bitch lays dominion over him but her. Ony a female can come on here and simply state that he's doing it to hurt her, give me a break! you do not hurt someone through sex unless it's anal and sometimes a female likes that. lol. but let's not get off topic. Guys mentally have a hard time getting through this, just ride it out, if your commited, leave the decision making up to him. Really? You've never had hateful sex with someone? It's quite terrible to be on the receiving end of it. No need to get upset with me - I was simply asking the OP a question.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 That's kind of the way I was imagining it, and it sounds like an utterly miserable way to live to me. No support from family or community = no way out.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 B.S!!! He's not uising sex to hurt his wife, he's doing something called hysterical bonding. He's in essence trying to reclaim what he feels what's rightfully his, and that's his wife. It's like when a woman claims this is her man and no other bitch lays dominion over him but her. Ony a female can come on here and simply state that he's doing it to hurt her, give me a break! you do not hurt someone through sex unless it's anal and sometimes a female likes that. lol. but let's not get off topic. Guys mentally have a hard time getting through this, just ride it out, if your commited, leave the decision making up to him. CB You know just as well as I do that to we men there is a control aspect to sex! Go back and read her early posts. This guy is re-exerting control and dominance.
ookla_2 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 It's just another way to show that he OWNS her. And yes, men do have sex to hurt women sometimes. And it's humiliating.
Author upto_here Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 Upto here, Did you ever tell your husband about your getting pregnant by the OM, then having an abortion? If you haven't, it's time to be completely honest........... Hello guys..thank you for your opinion..and the thought ..the last few days its been a really confused days for me how to get on with my life thats all the mess had been made and i had to live with it as much as i try to forget the major mess ...yes i had kids with my husband..and they are my pride and joy that's one of the reason i find it hard to let go with emotion loss not because the A end but to deal with the loss..ii know a lots of you may say counselling will help but i don't know for sure as i wanted to help myself first before i go seek for someone help...i have to admit that its the worse experience i ever had.......yes i told him EVERYTHING..absolutely everything....and he asked me whose the baby was....? i told him i can not lie to him any more...its eating me inside out and how much i hurt by this experience...he was so upset and speechless for hours as i don't blame him ...i just keep my mouth shut ..after that he just wanted to know every detail of the A some of it i can not answer as i know its unnecessary...and he will go insane after i told him ..he still had some day now..the he brought the A against when i refused him sex...and thats is the truth i had nothing to hold now...as i was really hurt and wanted to get on with the life now...he did said to me he wanted another baby...i don't know if i can ..anymore..the experience with the abortion is unbearable...
Author upto_here Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 upto_here: Yes, you did wrong. You had an A. From what I read from other posters, you also got pregnant and had an abortion? And your husband knows this? What I'm concerned with is the sudden increase in sex. Do you feel you have no choice, that if you don't feel like having sex, he will once again bring up the affair? Is it mean, angry sex? (I can't imagine it not being mean and angry, with what you have told us) If so, then you most certainly do NOT have to continue with it. It seems like that is the way he is trying to humiliate you - to punish you for humiliating him. It's a real response, and I can understand him being angry....however, it's still YOUR body, and if he is using it in a way that makes you feel degraded, then that's no different than if he had hauled off and hit you. It's my decision to aborted the baby ..i don't want to but i don't want to bring him or her up when the mother is in the mess situation it will not fair for the life ..what his/her life will that be? yes its totally true that i have to go along with it if i don't feel like having sex and he will make my feel guilty if i wasn't and he will blame himself for the reason why i had the A...the exom and my H are business partner...i know ..its getting worse with the story....!!to punish me ..may be ..i don't know really..but i feel the responsibility whatever it is, i am the one who cheated i'm always in the wrong....!!!he did pity me sometimes..he said he loves me and he will die for me any time and he will give me the fresh start...and i had to believe him ..i think we just own each other in one way or another..but mostly i don't understand that why taking it out on sex theres no one to prove for them to see if you know what i mean...!!he said he had a high sex drive and i did discuss that with him...he said its normal for men ..he can have it often as he can,,as many women will not refused... oh i don't know..the more i talk about it i fell more trapped.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 ... oh i don't know..the more i talk about it i fell more trapped. When you had this affair... did you hope in some way that your husband would let you go? Where is your family?
CAT100 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 B.S!!! Ony a female can come on here and simply state that he's doing it to hurt her, give me a break! you do not hurt someone through sex unless it's anal and sometimes a female likes that. lol. but let's not get off topic. Sorry but this is not true. If a guy insists on having sex when the woman doesnt want to/is not in the mood etc then its not nice. Or if he starts getting rough that is also very unpleasant. If a guy does this it can be both mentally and physically hurtful & something that no-one should ever have to tolerate.
ookla_2 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 ..he can have it often as he can,,as many women will not refused... ....ah, the old threat...."you can't cut me off....you don't know where I'm getting it". I say let him. Sure would be easier on you. He doesn't sound like he's having sex with you because of any love feelings....it sounds like he's definitely trying to show you who's "the boss". Do you have ANY support system close?
ookla_2 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Sorry but this is not true. If a guy insists on having sex when the woman doesnt want to/is not in the mood etc then its not nice. Or if he starts getting rough that is also very unpleasant. If a guy does this it can be both mentally and physically hurtful & something that no-one should ever have to tolerate. Thank you, CAT. All I am trying to say is that yes, she does have some repairs to make if she wants to stay in this marriage. However, giving up the right to say no should not be required. And before anyone bashes me for saying that, I am not saying she should be a withholder. But I am certain that in this stage, the sex is not done out of affection, and I'm sure she's not given a choice.
CAT100 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 There is a word for sex without consent & if her husband is doing that then she should leave him. It doesnt matter what she has done, he does not have rights over her body & personally I think its absolutely appalling behaviour from him
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 There is a word for sex without consent & if her husband is doing that then she should leave him. It doesnt matter what she has done, he does not have rights over her body & personally I think its absolutely appalling behaviour from him Partly a culteral difference! Be glad you live where you do!
Author upto_here Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 When you had this affair... did you hope in some way that your husband would let you go? Where is your family? To be honest with you in the deep end in my heart ..i think so ..may be i thought its the way ,..but as the real reason for it i never look for the A ,if this make any sense?... did you remember when you post for me when you said.. i just hope for the guy to sweep me out of the bad M..? may be it is...may be not!! my close friend always said to me even before the A i never be totally happy...may be my expectation was too high or my H never be true to me...and i never believed what he promise me before..but now after the A .i opened more..i'm more honest...i see that if i can be honest with the mm why can't i be honest with my own H... MY family live far away but my mum always close by...i am so embarrased and doen't want to disappoint her at all..but i guess she saw in my M .she never had anything against my H but she always said whatever it is its my decision...some day now its sooo good but some day if only little things gone wrong its can break both of us very easily...one thing i can think of about the A is that maybe my mm saw what my H treat me and felt sorry for me and thats why its starts from there ..
Author upto_here Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 ....ah, the old threat...."you can't cut me off....you don't know where I'm getting it". I say let him. Sure would be easier on you. He doesn't sound like he's having sex with you because of any love feelings....it sounds like he's definitely trying to show you who's "the boss". Do you have ANY support system close? I don't know where he got the idea from actually..as i never agree with it..but i don't want any more row i just be quite ...not because i'm afraid to say anything but just for my sake and the kids sake.. he doesn't care where we are ,in the public or not he will say something hurtful..sometime in front of the kids...which i really hate...i am so embarased by his behavior ...the other day my eldest son ,who was 9,came up to me and said why did daddy always say something not nice to me.its hurt so much and i felt for him..and what i really hate most is that last time my son follow us up stair.. and came in to the room without knocking and my H tried it on with me...he was so angry or on the other hand really pissed ...and shouted at my son he was so scared because he doesn't know what he done wrong and the my H blame on everything thats its never be perfect..after that whenever he want sex i just go along with it as always thought,, ok lets enjoy it may be i can!! its doesn't take long...so lets it be...i DID talk to him about this, he said he will try to understand his behavior..but as i see it..every time i said no or i didn't feel like it he will try and he will get it anyway.. so whats the point..? What did you mean by support system?
Author upto_here Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 Sorry but this is not true. If a guy insists on having sex when the woman doesnt want to/is not in the mood etc then its not nice. Or if he starts getting rough that is also very unpleasant. If a guy does this it can be both mentally and physically hurtful & something that no-one should ever have to tolerate. I totally agreed with you here...but..what will you do if he never listen? or take notice but no action? apart from the sex things he improved a lot...as i wanted to make another go of the M....what should i do?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Sorry but this is not true. If a guy insists on having sex when the woman doesnt want to/is not in the mood etc then its not nice. Or if he starts getting rough that is also very unpleasant. If a guy does this it can be both mentally and physically hurtful & something that no-one should ever have to tolerate. Then in that case, it is hurtful, but he's hurting inside. Sometimes maybe it is payback, sometimes it is tough love. Maybe his hurt is manifestating into this painful sex. I dont know how to tell you the solution about it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I totally agreed with you here...but..what will you do if he never listen? or take notice but no action? apart from the sex things he improved a lot...as i wanted to make another go of the M....what should i do? Give him time, if he's making progress getting past it. Give him time to get on the right path. The baby thing and abortion is very painful. Trust me that isnt easy thing to swallow for any man. Especially one that loves you truly.
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 CB You know just as well as I do that to we men there is a control aspect to sex! Go back and read her early posts. This guy is re-exerting control and dominance. If what she says is true and he is controlling...well then f#cking some other guy sure as hell wasn't a very smart way to deal with it. If she thought he was controlling then, what do you think he will do now? But then again, if he really was the controlling creep that she later on in this thread made him out to be...why would she really care to reconcile with him? Why instead of cheat, just get a divorce?
Cobra_X30 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 If what she says is true and he is controlling...well then f#cking some other guy sure as hell wasn't a very smart way to deal with it. If she thought he was controlling then, what do you think he will do now? But then again, if he really was the controlling creep that she later on in this thread made him out to be...why would she really care to reconcile with him? Why instead of cheat, just get a divorce? Have you failed to notice the fact that she has nobody to turn to? She doesnt just feel trapped... she is trapped. I have no doubt that if you met this guy IRL... you'd probably punch him out Bish!
Darth Vader Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 but mostly i don't understand that why taking it out on sex theres no one to prove for them to see if you know what i mean...!!he said he had a high sex drive and i did discuss that with him...he said its normal for men ..he can have it often as he can,,as many women will not refused... oh i don't know..the more i talk about it i fell more trapped. It sounds like your husband has to prove it to himself. What I mean is, (from what I've read) Affair sex is alot different from marital sex, It's usually more intense because of the fact that it's forbidden, the thoughts of "what if we get caught" the excitment of someone new, OM may be larger than her husband down there, etc. The excitement builds, the woman most likely orgasms with OM whereas not from her husband, as she orgasms, that excites OM and he makes and releases more sperm than usual, and her orgasming pulls the sperm up further into her resulting in pregnancy. That's why when a woman has an affair, she gets pregnant more easily from the OM, than her husband. Protection is rarely used, and even if used, it's not as effective. So basically, if the OM was able to make you orgasm, and was bigger down there, fueled by excitement (better sex) then, yes, your husband does have something to prove, to himself, and even to you. That's some of the damage done to betrayed spouses by the wayward spouse! I know it all sounds disgusting, but, it's often true!
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