missmebaby Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 ive been thinking lately about how hard it is to find a "good" guy these days. one that doesnt just think with his penis, one that actually wants a loving relationship. i am 21, just got out of a 9 month relationship 3 weeks ago so im not really looking but i have still met a few guys and gone on a couple dates...just to get back out there in the dating world. in the past i have dated guys anywhere from my age to age 25. my second to last ex boyfriend i met at a party...he seemed like such a great guy and even though his friends warned me that he doesnt treat girls right and hes a cheater i didnt listen. well he was an amazing guy...for the first 5 months. i couldnt ask for better, we loved each other very much. then he started to change and ended up cheating on me with his ex. he begged and pleaded and apologized and proved to me that he really really wanted it to work between us so i took him back. for about another 5 months things were even better than ever. he went out of his way to prove to me that there was no one else and he made a lot of sacrifices for me. but once again he changed and he didnt want to just be with one person so we broke up. i couldnt understand what was so hard about committing to one person. that was over a year ago and lately hes been calling me to hang out just as friends. i cant believe my ears and eyes when im around him. he is just so disgustingly horny and disrespectful to girls. whenever a good looking girl walks by he blatantly stares at her breasts/butt and always makes comments about her. like "oh my god, look at that a*s, its so not fair, a girl like that is such a tease, etc etc." hes always saying how he needs to get laid, he has even begged me to sleep with him again, and he has hooked up with 2 girls lately that he didnt even know. one was on the floor of a public bathroom. GROSS. this is just not the same guy i dated....but worse, it is the same guy i just never saw the real side of him. my most recent ex that just broke up with me 3 weeks ago is 25 years old. he treated me sooo well for the first 3 months, i thought it doesnt get any better than this. he did fall in love with me way too quickly (after about 3 weeks-month he was saying i love you.) and he was acting really clingy. but i thought it was because he just really liked me and i thought it was because he was a romantic loving guy. during the 9 months we were together he was on again/off again where one month he would be soo in love with me and the next couple weeks he was more distant and didnt treat me well at all. but the whole relationship he claimed that he was looking for a wife and he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me, and he said he couldnt wait till we moved out together and he could buy me an engagement ring. i never once brought up the issue of marriage, it was always him. he hadnt slept with many girls...4 girls before me, 2 of them were long term girlfriends, one was a short term gf, and another was a good friend of his that he had known for a long time. but i noticed during our relationship he was always always wanting sex and if i was tired or not in the mood to do it he would get really angry and just not talk to me for the rest of the night or he would start a fight about it. also he would say how he loved 18, 19 year olds because they just wanted to have fun and they didnt want to get married anytime soon. when he broke up with me 3 weeks ago he said it was because he was scared of commitment and he realized he doesnt want to get married anytime soon. it came as a huge surprise to me because just a month earlier he was saying how much he loved me, we were looking for a place to move out together, and he was saying he couldnt wait to marry me. well i pretended like i didnt care at all and like i was moving on just fine without him. he flipped out, started yelling at me and insulting me, he said he never loved me, said he hated having sex with me, said he was never attracted to me, and said he was getting back with his ex gf. he said he had slept with his ex and that he had slept with a 17 year old friend of his sister's. he said he never wanted to talk to me again because i was just a joke and he never even really liked me or anything. he really hurt me, and i havent heard from him since. its been almost 3 weeks. once again i date a guy i think is a great guy and i thought he was more mature and really wanted to marry me. turns out he doesnt even want to think about getting married, and he supposedly goes out and sleeps with 2 girls right after he and i break up. dont know whether he just said that to make me mad or not, but if he is telling the truth then i am very hurt by that. on to the guys i have gone on dates with lately. the first one is 24, got out of a 2 year relationship about 9 months ago. so i think "well good, he has had a long relationship." also he seemed like a nice guy, he wasnt trying to rush things or anything either. but then i find out he has slept with a lot of girls..and that he goes to the strip club sometimes. and just a few other things about him seem player-ish. the second guy i have went on a date with is 21, seems like a great guy on the surface and we have a ton in common. but i saw on his myspace that he was teasing one of his friends about being a "cockblock." to him one night. and he goes out alot and has a lot of girl friends. i dont know whether i am being too picky or whether i am reading into it too much or what. i just cannot seem to find an all around good guy that isnt dirty, or wants a relationship with one person, or doesnt just want to mess around. its either very obvious from the beginning that they are players or i find out months or a year later when i am already in love with them and think they feel the same. im sick of getting hurt and im sick of how horny and disrespectful some men are. i just got out a relationship so i definitely dont want one right now, but i feel like in the future when im ready, theres going to be no point in even looking. i dont want to date a 30 year old because they are more mature and able to commit, and i dont want to date someone unattractive because they are less likely to find someone else. i just feel like there is no point in even trying to have a relationship anytime in the next 4-5 years until the men around my age are more mature and can commit. its so frustrating because i like being in a relationship and i am very loyal and trustworthy and put my whole heart into a relationship but it seems like there are no men that want that. does anyone else feel the same? are there ways you can tell if a guy does want a long term relationship? does a guy's past really matter when it comes to deciding whether or not to date them?
Cobra_X30 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Yes his past matters! I'm very sorry to say this about myself but if a girl really considered my past... well, that wouldnt be good! I'd start looking for guys in a new setting! It seems like your meeting all the party boys.
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I don't think there is an easy formula to finding a great guy. Consider it panning for gold. You take a big scoop of bottomsand and start sifting...
Cobra_X30 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I don't think there is an easy formula to finding a great guy. Consider it panning for gold. You take a big scoop of bottomsand and start sifting... Perhaps you could share some of your sifting techniques?
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Perhaps you could share some of your sifting techniques? Left to right until your wrists get tired, then forwards to backwards.
squeak Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Where are you meeting these guys? Wherever it is, stop! Don't go out with any guys who cheated on someone, don't go out with should a guy who ever engaged in a one night stand, or anything tawdry ( like a threesome)-and has no urge to do so, and doesn't keep all his ex's as friends. That is a good start. Even better-go for the shy quiet guy that everyone overlooks.
shadowplay Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Perhaps you could share some of your sifting techniques? yes, please do.
oppath Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 One thing I'd suggest is not to make too much of a guy if he has not had a long term girlfriend. It doesn't mean he is incapable of it. Many good guys simply haven't dated or they run into the female equivalent of the men you describe. I've had three, 6 months relationships, and in 2 of the 3 my gf was likely cheating with her ex and it didn't work out because in the end, they wanted to play the field some more. Of course my pattern there was dating girls just out of longterm relationships so the result was pretty much expected: they had not tied up loose ends with their ex's and I was unintentionally a rebound. There is no way to tell. It will probably happen to you again unfortunately and you'll probably do it to a guy too! What you can do is define, "what is a healthy relationship to me? What do I feel are healthy boundaries within a relationship?" Pay close attention to those things, and make sure your boyfriends share similar definitions/values.
shadowplay Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 what about a guy at 23 who's only had one gf for six months and a bunch of flings? red flag?
oppath Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 what about a guy at 23 who's only had one gf for six months and a bunch of flings? red flag? I would say no, because that same situation could have described me at 26! But I was extremely shy and didn't begin dating until 24. What matters is how he treated those flings? Why didn't they work out? Were they full-out sex flings, or just makeout flings? Just because you have been in relationships doesn't technically mean you are any more experienced at having difficult conversations and resolving issues than it does someone who has had lots of sex partners is going to be better in bed! Look at the person as a whole person!!!!!
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I wish I could give everyone a magic formula but there isn't one generic way for everyone. One person might consider a guy who yells and screams, as acceptable because he doesn't hit her, where as far as I'm concerned, he's got my foot print on his backside, indelibly engraved for life, the first time he tries it...
Author missmebaby Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 well the most recent ex had a 5 year relationship who he is still friends with...and a 2 year relationship. also, he didnt go out all that much and he rarely drank. during the week he worked long hours doing construction, went to the gym, took me out to dinner, then we came home and laid in bed, then went to sleep. during the weekend sometimes he worked, then we would spend the rest of the day together, go out to dinner, then sometimes go out, sometimes we would just stay in all night. those were all things that i thought showed he was mature. but at the end of the relationship he turned out to be worse than anyone ive ever dated.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Left to right until your wrists get tired, then forwards to backwards. I said sifting techniques!
jcster Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Don't feel bad. People are hard to figure out, and unless you want to become a suspicious, jaded person, you really do need to take them at face value. The trick, I think, is to learn what the red flags are - and to listen to your gut instincts. Every time I've been burned (and I'm 41, so it's been many times) I realize in hindsight that I knew what I was getting into, but like you and so many other people on this board, I discounted my instincts and instead made excuses for the person. Learn to listen to yourself, keep your self-respect and boundaries intact, and the jerks will find you too much work and will bail, and the good guys will come running (hopefully).
oppath Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Well, you also have to take some responsibility. I've been looking at your old posts and it seems you were chasing after your old ex after the breakup, and he wasn't that good, right? Then this most recent guy, there have been red flags the entire time. I'd suggest just staying single for a while until someone REALLY blows you away. It sounds like if you've been single a couple months, and some guy comes around and makes you feel attractive, you get into a relationship. Maybe that is a big generalization. But you do have some responsibility for staying in relationships too long, or who you engage with. From your photo, you are beautiful, and there will be no shortage of bad men entering your life, along with many good. Some of your ex's could say some not so nice things about you probably, too. That is not to invalidate you, only that it takes time to find someone incredible for you. Most breakups are mildly bad and leave a sour taste in your mouth. All you can do is define "what is a healthy, good relationship to me" and stick to those principles.
woodsfield Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Where are you meeting these guys? Wherever it is, stop! thank you! it is at bars and parties and any other place that a horney, "thinking with his unit" man will be.... you will find someone, MMB, someone that will treat you with respect, dignity and that will want something more than to get in bed with you. men, at the age that you are seeking and where you are seeking, want a lot of "bedtime" but there are enough males out there that WILL respect you and love you for who you are, not how YOU please THEM. keep the faith and please, don't look for "respectful" guys at parties and bars...they COULD be there, but their mind is elsewhere at the time, and so is yours.....i've been there....a little booze, some T&A wondering around....haven't been laid in a while and BAM...that's the man you run in to. good luck...he will surely be better than the last jackass you were with...it can only go up from there!
woodsfield Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 well the most recent ex had a 5 year relationship who he is still friends with...and a 2 year relationship. also, he didnt go out all that much and he rarely drank. during the week he worked long hours doing construction, went to the gym, took me out to dinner, then we came home and laid in bed, then went to sleep. during the weekend sometimes he worked, then we would spend the rest of the day together, go out to dinner, then sometimes go out, sometimes we would just stay in all night. those were all things that i thought showed he was mature. but at the end of the relationship he turned out to be worse than anyone ive ever dated. well, i'll take the foot outta my mouth after i read further. chin up...there is someone out there for you...talk to someone in your classes...youare in school, right???
monkey00 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 It could be very possible you were at the wrong place at the wrong time when meeting these guys. I know a lot of guys and girls that complain that there are no more quality girls/guys left, or that they are all taken. I think that's a false misconception. I know people of both sexes that im sure undoubtedly would make a good partner in a relationship...but what i've noticed a lot about these same people which are constantly single are they are either quiet or boring. And as unusual as it is, often people are out seeking a quality partner that isnt boring or doesnt take their time to open up. I'm not saying that it's impossible to find an exciting person who can be charming, loyal, ambitious, and exciting all in one package. All I'm saying is before someone jumps into a relationship, make sure they know what they're getting themselves into.
directx Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 How can you tell? His forum nickname start with a D and end with an X, and is just TOO funny!
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