is she who i think she is? a beautiful beautiful girl who is connected to me

[Jmina]

This is a very long post! please be patient and read it and tell me your thoughts. i havnt posted my history with my ex yet and it might give me some insights. thankyou so much.

 

My ex: gay or not??

 

When i first met my ex there was an obvious attraction between us (we are both girls) and it was new to the both of us too she was 19 and i was 21.there were sparks. we always met eyes and smiled. we flirted and adored each other.

the night i got to know her a bit better we were out celebrating the end of a show we were both in (that is how we met) she said to me in the middle of flirting "that waiter is hot" and followed him across the room.

my initial reaction in my head was "i just saw straight through when you said that" like she was trying to show me that she is interested in guys because she was scared about the idea of flirting with a girl...a new girl to her life.

 

i brushed it off and didnt think about it...( but its funny how 2 years later i remember what she said and how i felt. that she was either lying, or trying to prove she wasnt bi or gay)

 

so weeks went by and we instantly grew closer. we stayed up all night chatting online, told each other we loved each other and just how cool we thought each other was. we talked about sex alot and she made it clear that she was attracted to me. she told me she thought of me everyday. then one night she invited me out.

 

we got drunk and her friends told me that she wanted more.

so we did. it scared her. she backed off for weeks. i messeged her A LOT and eventually got the vibes she was sending and backed off.

 

i struggled with it for a while, but then i felt i got over her.

 

meanwhile after a few months the feelings she had for me came up again, and she messgaed me one night out of the blue saying "im in a club. our song is playing!" i was confused by this but happy she was back again.

 

months went on, and she started to flirt with me again but this time i was the one who sent her vibes to back off. now i was confused about it.

 

then in 2006 when she was 20 and i was 22 she moved house to be closer to me and uni... i was flattered. she invited me over to help her move in. just as friends i thought.

i hadnt seen her for months and months. i opened the front door and we both stood there grinning, our eyes met and we hugged. i went back to her house so excited jsut to be around her. that connection we felt from the first day was still there strong as ever. it was like magic. we ended up talking all night laughing and flirting we had so much fun. she offered if i wanted to stay over again and i was like "hell yeah!" the sexual tension between us was high. the next night she made a move on me and again i wasnt sure about it. i felt uncomfortable but i still wanted it to happen. i think i just wanted to be close to her. she was estatic.

 

now i know a year later that even though she was the one making moves, she was really confused about it because 2 days later after we had hooked up she messaging her best friend about it saying she wasnt sure. but the connection between us and the sexual tension was so strong and deep which is why she wanted to keep trying it.

 

we didnt stop seeing each other even though both of us were unsure. i was falling for her. it was odd, we were both girls and didnt intend of making a relationship out of it.. but a few weeks later we decided to become offical (privately. neither of us were ready to come out)

 

we had so much fun together and grew very fond of each other. talked everyday. i didnt look back. and i thought she felt the same.

 

3 months later she broke up with me saying she didnt want to be in a relationship. i was DEVASTATED. i cried all night, dreamt about it, woke up in the early hours of hte morning in intense pain and misery and cried all morning. she messaged me asking if i was okay. i told her the truth of how i felt. she said maybe we could try again, but this time be more truthful with each other. she said it didnt feel right that we were apart.

 

i was so happy, i felt like my heart had been put back together again.

that day she was singing to me "i can see clearly now the rain has gone"

 

months passed she told me the 24 hour break up let the beast out of the cupboard and that she doesnt get any of the doubts she used to get about being with a woman or being in a long term relationship. i was sure we were going to last. we were so sweet to each other. we finished each others sentences, we knew when the other was upset even before they did, we called each other our soul mates.

 

little did i know that she was still struggling and thought about breaking up wiht me a lot off and on still. she pushed it away and tried to ignore it because she loved me so much and needed me. she said she had times of being happy and thought it was wat she wanted but she wasnt sure.

 

a big problem was that she had never had sex with a male, and she didnt want to spend her life wondering about it.

 

anyway we stayed together loving each other dearly, we were battling the loss of her nanna, who was like a mother to her. she cared for her and it took its toll on the relation ship sometimes because i was also v.sick and very dependent emotionally on her. it was hard as she had to go out of town to care for her nanna.

 

we spent a week together over the new year and she said that was the week that told her she wanted me forever. i was over the moon. this was 3 months after our 24 hour break up and 6 months into our relationship.

 

months went on and we grew sadder and times became hard because of her nanna and my insecurity with feeling deep down that one day she would leave me. we still were in love and told each other that we made each other so hapy and that we were each others light in the hard times. we said to each other 'never leave me' she treated me so dearly and i know she loved me very much.

 

her nanna died the following month (february 16th 07). we were both sad, but relieved as the caring took a toll on my ex and her life and our relationship. but we said if we could get through that we could get through anything. we started looking for a house together and talked about our future together. my ex was really struggling with her nanas death, she was constantly sad,and if she was happy she was either hiding it or was feeling numb. i didnt know how deep her sadness was how gripping it was for her and hard it must have been for her. we cried together the moment we found out. i remember he just saying "my nannas gone, nannas gone" as tears rolled down her face.

 

we got through the funeral and weeks after.

 

then she told me that she was going to africa with her mother for 12 days. i was happy for her but i had this instinct that deep down i felt i was going to loose her. she left me a letter saying that when she gets back she cant wait to start our lives together and shes gong to sew us together with a needle and thread because we had been ripped apart so many times in the first 7 months of our relationship. (as she always had to leave to care for her nanna)

 

she came back home after the 12 days i was so relieved and happy to have her back home safe. i was so happy. .. but she seemed different.

that week i threw her, her 21st birthday party. her friends told me that they might not be able to make it. .. she was angry and sad by this. we had the party and they showed up quite early on and they stayed late into the night. they told her without me knowing that all they said to her was "we only said we were going to be an hour late" this came up in the breakup and she thought i was trying to turn them against each other :S

 

3 days later something was wrong. i asked her. she said panicking "i dont think im ready for us" i was a wreck. devestated. my body was put into panic mode, i became desperate for her and begged her to stay, i didnt understand. we loved each other. she packed all her things infront of me while she was sobbing, huged my parents good bye and packed her car. we stood in the rain sobbing tears of sorrow. i said she would always be my baby girl and that no man would ever replace her. she said the same. her last words where "i love you" and she drove off with a beep of her car horn.

 

 

i collapased in disbelief at what just happened so quickly. i went into my parents arms and just cried, they couldnt believe it either.

 

a few weeks passed and we tried to work the relationship again. we couldnt live without each other we couldnt live with each other. she ended it again.. on our anniversary in a message... i was so angry. she apologised via email and said she couldnt bare to see me in pain again which is why she did it via text. that was when she told me abuot the whole relationship how she struggeled that she was in a relation ship with a girl and that i was dependent on her.

 

i changed within the time we spent apart without her knowing, i became a lot stronger and found myself not labeling myself as weak as i had done when i was sick. i realised i could live without her but i desperatley didnt want to. we tried again and she saw the difference in me and was happy. she acted as if she was so in love with me and wanted to make love. we had a great weekend together. then it ended again as we didnt know what to do next.. she was going away traveling. she had to be on her own and experience things she hadnt done yet. (im thinking men)

 

when we were together she told me she always knew she would be with a woman at some stage. she told me that she was never interested when she was kissing a boy growing up and that i was the first person that she was physically attracted to and melted away when we kissed. i was the first person she was 100% comfortable with in her whole life and was her angel and soul mate.

 

while we were together her mum constantly told her she wasnt gay, and she went to a psychic who also told her she wasnt gay. this confused her and basically lead to the break up .allthough the reason she gave me was she wasnt ready for us. as we were talking about forever and she hadnt even had sex yet with a guy and she was 21. she was confused about everything except she knew she loved me'

 

 

 

its been 4 months. one month of no contact.

 

she is now having fun going out, in boys attention. im truly happy for her that she is doing what a 21 year old should be doing - having fun.

 

we ended having a messy break up as i was persistent with telling her how much i thought about her and how much i lvoed her. it pushed her away and she now thinks 'im a psycho' i dont believe her when she says that though, i know she loves me and deep in her heart she knows who i am. she knows me better than anyone and i know her better than anyone.

 

i know she doesnt deal with things and she pushes them away so she feels numb alot of the time. i know she must love me, we were each others soul mates, first love, first a lot of things.

 

i feel that one day we will reconcile but not for a long time.

 

i love her so much it hurts. i am trying to get on with my life, but i think of her every single day.

 

what im confused about is "is she really straight?" "bi?"

 

she wasnt ready for what happened, and if the timing was different i think it would have worked for us as we had so many good points. all our friends saw how happy we were and how much we adored each other.

 

deep down i think she wants to be with a guy, i dont think she will allow herself to accept being with a woman even though our connection and attraction was so strong. i think she will always be attracted to me and will always love me in her own way. but i dont think she will tell me that.

 

i hope one day we can be friends or at least friendly.

 

she said she will post me photos of our puppy we raised together even if we were fighting or not talking..

 

what are your thoughts on her? will she come back one day? will she say that what we had together was amazing, and that it was very unique. we were lucky. even as friends.

please help me im going crazy over this. i love her so much, i dont want to live my life without her. she is like an angel to me. a breath of fresh air. ive never felt this way about anyone. especially a girl. i dont know whats destined for me, i feel i will end up with a man.. but i feel it will be second best.. for she is who i long for. help

 

jmina

[priyareenu]

I like to read this contents. thanks for the information

[Jmina]

I'm sorry it is so long. but i feel that it was all kind of relevent. when i shorten my posts the answers are off because judgement has been made without knowing certain things. please answer my post!