Krytellan Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 OK, so there is this girl I went on a date with a while ago, and after the date it was clear to me that we would be nothing more than friends. So she came out this weekend with some other friends of mine and as the night progressed, I found myself gravitating more and more to her. Well, as it ends up, we made out for an extended period at the end of the night and I feel like an idiot. I am learning that I have a hard time not crossing my self-imposed boundaries. I have turned into someone I don't know anymore... Needless to say, it's two days later and I want it all to go back to what it was before. She would make a great friend as she's just the kind of personality I want to be around. She is not a love interest and any relationship with her would never work, for my own reasons. It was our second time out together, so there is no real platonic precedent to draw on. She seems like a nice girl, which is what bothers me most about the situation. Have I just completely screwed this up or could there be a way to go back? I know I should just talk to her, but I wanted some opinions here first.
oppath Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 You are worrying too much. It's not that big of a deal. Sure, it is possible she will get really hurt, but the chances are you will still remain friends. I've made out with a bunch of friends and slept with a couple, and it has not affected my friendship. Sometimes there needed to be a months space or so, but afterwords there was no weirdness. You didn't do anything wrong. These things happen, she was a willing participant. Now, you went on a date a while ago? How long? And how often have you communicated with her since that time? Making out with her is not leading her on to believe you are interested in developing a relationship, but how you have communicated to her between your date and last night may have. This isn't some huge deal you need to be apologizing over.
Author Krytellan Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Well, that makes me feel a little better. I think I'm just inclined to think that when something weird happens, it's a big deal or I'm at fault. It's a pattern I've established for myself. The date was two or three weeks ago, not sure, and we had only had limited contact since then. A couple of emails and one phone call. And no, I wasn't leading her on, though I probably confused her, as I had told her that I didn't feel chemistry after our date but I did want to hang out with her again as a friend... then we did this *facepalms*
oppath Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 And no, I wasn't leading her on, though I probably confused her, as I had told her that I didn't feel chemistry after our date but I did want to hang out with her again as a friend... then we did this *facepalms* *HIGH-FIVE* No need to facepalm, you made out with a girl, she knows where you stand, I'm willing to bet she facilitated a lot of it. Good for you: you made out this weekend! Just don't let her manipulate you into a FWB relationship if that is not what you want . I'm serious. I know you won't pursue her for that, though she might with you, either because it is all she wants and can handle it, or she secretly wants a relationship. Regardless, you did nothing wrong. Enjoy the fact that you made out with a girl. It is admirable you don't want to hurt her feelings, but people make out. I doubt she's all that confused.
Author Krytellan Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Hey, thanks for the support. It's not often I'm made to feel like I didn't do anything wrong.
oppath Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Hey, thanks for the support. It's not often I'm made to feel like I didn't do anything wrong. Because you didn't do anything wrong. This wasn't sex after a bunch of dates. It wasn't a date. It was two drunk (I'm guessing) people playing tonsil hockey. We've all been there...though the last time I was...I made out with 5 girls in a month and came down with mono. 4 of the 5 were 19. I was 26. I had it coming. But like you, I wasn't dating those girls. It was more them throwing themselves on to me. Literally, they'd sit in my lap at a bar or party out of nowhere and start kissing me. Women have responsibility too. Sometimes they just want to have fun. You aren't manipulating her into any kind of physical activity through dating, so you are in the clear. Enjoy being single and making out with girls. It is fun.
IpAncA Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 If you made your intentions known then whats the problem? I am going to say that if your feeling guilty about whatever it is your doing, then simply don't do it.
Star Gazer Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 If you made your intentions known then whats the problem? I am going to say that if your feeling guilty about whatever it is your doing, then simply don't do it. I agree. Problem is, I don't believe Krytie made his intentions for a platonic-only relationship with this girl clear. He's been out with her only two times, and on the second occasion he made out with her for an extended period of time. At best, he's sending very mixed messages. I'd say own up to the mistake, clear up the boundaries with her, and move on, either as friends or nothing else. Drunk makeouts happen all the time... I'm not sure she can attach much to it other than, "What the heck is this guy thinkin'?"... So just answer her question.
honestgirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 yes, there's a possibility she doesn't care... but there's also a possibility that she does. so just call her and tell her how you really feel. she might think you're a jerk for .2 seconds, but believe me, no matter how she feels about you, she'll appreciate you being upfront and letting her know where you stand. being turned down isn't a big deal... it's trying to figure out what the other person is thinking that's the ****ty part. just keep it simple.
climbergirl Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 She may be a bit confused by your original statement that you felt no chemistry, but then made out with her. I'd just apologize for the other night and see what she says.
norajane Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I'm confused, so I imagine it's possible she could also be confused. Kryt, even if you told her after your first date that you just wanted to be friends, the fact that you then gravitated toward her and then made out with her could be very confusing to her. How can you say there's NO chemistry if you gravitated toward her and then wanted to make out? Do you often make out with people when you feel nothing for them? Also, keep in mind, that when people say ok to being just friends, if they actually are interested in more, that doesn't just go away because they agreed to be just friends. The attraction is still there, maybe under the surface, but it's still there. And in some cases, a little hope is still there that you may change your mind when you get to know her better. It's very possible that she's wondering if you've changed your mind, and if the next time you see each other, you might gravitate toward her even more until you do actually want a relationship.
Author Krytellan Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 Kryt, even if you told her after your first date that you just wanted to be friends, the fact that you then gravitated toward her and then made out with her could be very confusing to her. OK, I'm gonna be very honest here. I am really not that physically attracted to her, and that is the only reason that nothing more is possible between us. What happened that night is, well, she reminded me of someone as the night went on. I really like her personality and as the night progressed she started remindind me more and more of a person I really cared about at one time. I have to assume that played into what happened... it had to. The problem I'm having is learning to just keep my hands to myself even when other things are telling me not to. I understand this. I'm creating difficulties for myself where they shouldn't exist. I need to learn to just have friends without getting to know them "too well". The night before I had done the same thing with another "friend" of mine, if that sheds any light on things. However, I told her before going out the next night why we couldn't do it again. This is why I say I'm becoming someone I just don't know anymore. I'm getting tired of having to clean up my messes every weekend. I'm just not used to being so desired, and it's really screwing with me. Time for me to learn from this and stop doing the same thing over and over again before I run out of friends. Thanks all.
Star Gazer Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I'm just not used to being so desired, and it's really screwing with me. It sounds like you're coming on to these women, not the other way around. You need to set boundaries BEFORE things happen, not AFTERWARD.
Author Krytellan Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 Actually Star, I didn't make the move on either of these women. Thank you for always giving me the benefit of the doubt though. You are, by far, my harshest critic.
Star Gazer Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Actually Star, I didn't make the move on either of these women. Thank you for always giving me the benefit of the doubt though. You are, by far, my harshest critic. Then how do you explain yourself "gravitating towards her"? And in the grand scheme of things, I am far from your harshest critic. Of that I am certain.
norajane Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 OK, I'm gonna be very honest here. I am really not that physically attracted to her, and that is the only reason that nothing more is possible between us. What happened that night is, well, she reminded me of someone as the night went on. I really like her personality and as the night progressed she started remindind me more and more of a person I really cared about at one time. I have to assume that played into what happened... it had to. Why is that what 'had to' have happened? Why do you have to 'assume' - don't you know? Couldn't it be that you became more physically attracted to her because you enjoyed her personality? That's happened to me lots of times - someone I'm not physically attracted to initially becomes attractive to me once I get to know their personality and humor and intelligence... That you are assuming that it had to be because she reminded you of someone you used to care about...? That seems kinda farfetched to me.
Izzy B Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Maybe she's not into you at ALL, even more than you're not into her (although you're into her, you just realize she's not as into you as you are to her, that is why the charade of telling us you're just not that into her.) In fact, what actually draws you to her is the fact that she's just not that into you. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
MystifiedByMen Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 After crossing paths a few times, things will return to normal. It always does.
dropdeadlegs Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Leave the beer goggles at home! Okay, that is assumptive (is that a word? It doesn't have the red line underneath , like "okay" does) of me. When your words and actions aren't consistent, you may be misinterpreted by those actions; ie: send mixed signals. Then again, she may have the same feelings right now. I know lots of women looking for a hook-up or FWB. If I were her, I would be placing more truth in your words, myself. Still, if I liked you as more than a friend, I would be confused.
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 It sounds like you're coming on to these women, not the other way around. You need to set boundaries BEFORE things happen, not AFTERWARD. I'm 100% with you on this one.
johan Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Star is right that you're full of it, but she's wrong to expect you would handle this any differently. And you are, too. You're being disingenuous and honest with no one involved, maybe including yourself. I take this thread much more as a transparent act of self-absolution than an attempt to understand something inexplicable. Here's the major clue for me: I am learning that I have a hard time not crossing my self-imposed boundaries. I have turned into someone I don't know anymore... It sounds like BS.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 All you did was make out. You would be disgusted to see some of the people I've made out with. I don't understand all of the reflection
Author Krytellan Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Reading this thread makes me laugh. I can always count on you guys to let me have it anytime I bring up my confusion in a matter. I guess I appreciate that I never get a free pass. I love how everyone assumes that it's me making all of the moves on the women I interact with and that these people can't possibly be coming on to me. Yeah, I make moves on married people all the time... that's my M.O. But that's another story. I've decided I'm just going to continue to do these things until I get tired of it. If I can't follow my own boundaries, it must be because I don't want to. With that in mind, why fight it? If the worst that I have to do is clean up a mess now and then, sobeit. Everyone here seems to think I'm full of crap, so maybe I am. Fun is fun, and it's something I've missed out on my whole life. I can do this until it runs its course, and then move on. At least then I will never have the "never been there" mindset. Maybe my problem is even caring about it. Thanks for helping me to realize that it just doesn't matter.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 So the women in Seattle are easier than in Detroit?
Author Krytellan Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 I think it's more that there is an abundance of the flannel-wearing mountain man type in Portland but a large amount of women who aren't into that. So either the women here are easier or I am just part of a smaller group of guys of my type (i.e., city boy). Make sense? It could also be that I'm just plain irresistible, but I don't think anyone on LS would buy that for a second.
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