woodthorpe Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Sorry a long story - I'll keep it as short as possible. Met a man - fell completely and utterly in love - spent 7 months with him 4 months in an exciting sexual relationship. Then in Nov 2005 out of nowhere he dumped me. Said he needed space, time to think. My heart was completely broken - we are both past 45 and have some experience of relationships (both divorced) but I have NEVER felt like this. The pain was real, in every inch of my body, not just a sadness in my heart We had limited contact for a while and gradually we would only speak/text/email about once a month or once every six weeks. Always friendly, sometimes sexy but eventually he would always disappear and stop answering. Fast forward Nov 2006 - I started getting a lot of texts from him - he said he was lonely - we met up three times, twice we had sex. I was so happy - it seemed like we were going to get back together. Then just after Christmas he did his usual disappearing act. In early Feb 2007 I texted him - jut a friendly message nothing intense and he replied by saying he had met someone else. I thought it was impossible to have your heart broken by the same guy twice......it's not. So this time strict NC (7 months). I was still missing him, and still shed the occassional tear, but I wasn't going to be hurt again. Then last week I saw in an old paper I was throwing away that his mother had died a few weeks before. I knew it would hit him hard - he adored her - and I had to write to say I was sorry to hear the news. So for three days we texted each other. We wrote catching up texts, nothing special texts and he wrote a few blatantly sexy texts - he invited me over - I went - a few cuddles and a few kisses - no sex. That was 4 days ago Since then NOTHING - not a thing - not a "nice to see you" - or "don't come again" - just NOTHING. I must admit that for the first time I felt awkward with him, it wasn't the same person I loved so much. I wasn't even sure what to say to him. I couldn't ask if he wants us to get back together or does he want us as friends, all I know is that he is on his own again. I'm so confused, what do I do now? Ignore him should he ever contact me again - at least that way I only have this hurt to deal with and not a new lot in a couple of weeks time. Should I write and tell him to go away, or should I just sit it out and see if he want's me back (but I feel that I'm wasting my life over him) It still hurts, but maybe I'm just in love with the memories and no longer in love with him. (Oh it hurts so much to type that) and this time I should grit my teeth and move on. What do you think? Thanks if you got to the end.
AriaIncognito Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 More than likely you are in love with how you felt when you were with him, and not necessarily in love with him. I'm wondering that about myself in some relationships I've had. I think we become in love with the idea of being in love that we become blind when we aren't in the love we once thought. If he keeps leaving you, he's not the one. Pack up your emotions and move on. He's not worth it. If he's hurt you once, he'll hurt you 50 more times until YOU put a stop to it. I eventually had to stop it. You can do it. It will be hard, but you can do it.
Author woodthorpe Posted September 21, 2007 Author Posted September 21, 2007 More than likely you are in love with how you felt when you were with him, and not necessarily in love with him. Thanks Ariawoman I'm more sure than I've ever been that this is the case - but I can't bring myself to finally close all the doors - I know I should, but it seems so sad. Then I think about all that grief he but me through and it helps harden my heart. Should I write and tell him how I feel or just let things die on their own? Take care
Spinderella Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 what do you hope to gain from writing how you feel? it is clear that your feelings are not mutual. the best thing that you can do for yourself is to move on from him. you will not get anything more from him. it doesnt matter what you do. you are not going to write a magical letter that will make him feel the way you want him to. it sounds unsympathetic but believe me it is not. it is just that you are wasting your energies on this, thing that you cannot change. what is it exactly that is making you so sad? is it because you feel used by him?
marlena Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Woodthorpe, Get angry! Very angry! Prove to him that you are not a doormat! Hell, prove to yourself that you are not a doormat! When you reach that point, believe you in me, you will feel so disgusted that you ever allowed this person to trudge in and out of your life whenever it was convenient for him to do so! By that time , he'll probably come knocking again only to find "Alice, doesn't live here anymore"! And, oh, what a glorious moment that will be!!
Yamaha Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 but I can't bring myself to finally close all the doors You have to do it for you. He doesn't love you the way you love him. He only contacts you when he wants some sex or is feeling down, is this the kind of guy you want? You have to end all contact with him until you can see him as an aquaintance but you no longer want him in your life.
AriaIncognito Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I still stick by what I originally said. If you are in fact not in love with the idea of being in love, well, then you're in love with someone that isn't worth your love. I'm not sure which is worse for you. I understand what it's like to love the man who doesn't love you back. My current ex is that man. It hurts like hell. It hurts even worse to go NC. I'm on almost month 4 of it, so I know. However, I also know that I'd not feel this accepting of it right now, had I not eventually gone NC. You need to let him go. It's doing you no good to hold onto someone who doesn't want you. Take it from someone (someones) who knows.
Author woodthorpe Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Thanks to everyone I know you are telling me the right thing - I know that is what I must do. It IS wrong, and insulting, that he picks me up and puts me down like his private toy. When I think like that I get angry. Trouble is I don't stay angry for long - I'll just have to keep thinking this way till all loving feelings have gone. Why do I feel sad? Because this man made me laugh, made me feel like a real person, and made me feel sexy. I'm sad that all that has gone - and I sure am mad he threw it all away. I'll just keep getting mad at him - I won't write - I won't try to be his friend. He can sit in his house, on his own, for all I care. That's what he deserves for treating me this way. Ha!
AriaIncognito Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Thanks to everyone I know you are telling me the right thing - I know that is what I must do. It IS wrong, and insulting, that he picks me up and puts me down like his private toy. When I think like that I get angry. Trouble is I don't stay angry for long - I'll just have to keep thinking this way till all loving feelings have gone. Why do I feel sad? Because this man made me laugh, made me feel like a real person, and made me feel sexy. I'm sad that all that has gone - and I sure am mad he threw it all away. I'll just keep getting mad at him - I won't write - I won't try to be his friend. He can sit in his house, on his own, for all I care. That's what he deserves for treating me this way. Ha! This is exactly what I went through. I got angry that he'd let me go so easily. I got mad that he and i got along so well and i felt so connected to him, only to leave it. But you know what? His loss.
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