Now What?!

[hiswife]

OK. I was on here about a month ago, suspecting that my husband was having an EE with a female co-worker. I got caught checking his history on the computer, email, his phone to see if he was talking to this girl outside of work. The only thing that caught my eye was him checking this girl's myspace page a couple times a day and it pi$$ed me off and I confronted him. He didn't mad that I caught him looking at it, just laughed it off and said that was pretty shi^^y of me. Yet he didn't really have anything to say about it. Well now he is overly cautious of what he does on the computer now (you can tell that he plays around with the 'history' of the computer.

I am so insanely jealous that it is hard for me to think that this girl is just his friend. They both work together almost everday at the Firehouse and now have a close bond. They work out together, they talk on the phone...but I can't come to realization that he doesn't have feelings for her. He talks to other females on the department (that I don't find a threat) and says why is it ok for me to talk to them, but you see a problem with me talking to her? I feel that he has this girl on a pedestal and thinks that she does no wrong.

My jealousy is effecting our relationship BIG TIME. I feel that I am trying to find any clue that he thinks of her more than a friend. I bring it up to him constentely and it is getting old. I don't think he would ever do physical with her but who knows anymore.

But anyway what brought me back to this site was yesterday I knew that she called him (he wasn't trying to hide it from me), he was in the shower and said that he would call her back. At the time I didn't know who called him so I asked him and he said "Courtney", then said "don't get all weird on me, she was just calling me about the live burn" (the one that HER fire department is hosting-and of course she invites him to come).

Well he left to go to her firehouse about 5:30 then came home around 10 pm or so. I knew that he was over there because he smelled like fire and he was all gross and sweaty (and he showed me his firehelmet where it got burnt)........well this morning, I was checking his phone to see how long they talked and when he finally called her back AND HE DELETED THE CALL! I was pissed. If there is nothing to hide, why would he delete the call? I think he is doing it to piss me off (because he still knows that I check his history). He is doing it intentionally and it makes me think that he is still hiding something. How can I trust him when he does petty sh*t like that?

I don't want to be insanely jealous ya know? I don't want to think that my husband likes this chick more than a friend. What is sad is that I don't think he realizes how much he really does like her. It is like he is laughing in my face about it.

[hiswife]

OK. I just finished reading this and it sounds pretty crazy now. You are all wondering why I am so bent out of shape. And I keep on over analizing it...and this is the REAL problem.

 

About a month ago, DH and I got into a HORRIBLE fight. No hitting but really really harsh words were said (by me). I think I have been so stressed out for months about money, being sexually frustrated and DH about losing his job...that I lashed out. It was one of those fights that I wish I could delete out of my memory forever. I can barely remember what started it all....Oh. There was a family function that I wanted to go to...DH made other plans to do something with The Fire department (OW's Fire department) and I got pissed that he would have rather go over there then spend time with me and the family. And I went off. Completely. Like I was in another persons body. I said anything and everything imaginable to hurt him. I called him a loser, I said that I didn't have feelings for him anymore, I didn't like him, he was the reason that I have been sexually frustrated in bed, that he was cheating on me with OW (and that was the reason that he didn't want to go with me to the family function)....just anything that popped out of my head. This all happened over the phone. I was pissed so I left and said that I was't coming back. That the kids were going with me. I ended up going to my cousins house about a hour away. He tried calling me to check up on me and I kept on hanging up on him. Well went to my cousins house and we talked a lot about everything, and ended up feeling so stupid and silly about our fight (I was majorly pmsing at the time). Well I tried calling him up to tell him that I was sorry and that everything that I said was out of anger that I didn't mean anything that I said.

He didn't answer his phone. Wouldn't talk to me. I ended up talking to him and he was out with friends and said that he didn't want to talk to me or see me for awhile because I really hurt him bad. I flipped out. I hung up on him. Then I tried calling him back and he wouldn't pick up his phone. I got so mad that I was putting holes in the wall (3 to be exact). I couldn't even tell you what was going on in my head at the time. All the stress finally got to me and I completely lost it (IN FRONT OF MY KIDS). So then I left. I was driving around for hours, trying to call him. I wanted him to understand that i didn't mean anything that I said. So he finally answered his phone and said that he was NOT coming home tonight. He needed to think about our relationship because I have said too many hurtful things. That drove me over the edge. I am SO ASHAMED TO ADMIT THIS...but I told him that if he didn't come home right now, I was going to run into a tree and kill myself, because I couldn't live without him. I ****ing did this with my kids in the car. It is hard for me to think about this day. And I don't know why I can talk about it right now. He tried calming me down and said that I needed to get home that he would be there ASAP.

 

Gosh. I'm sorry you all. I need to get this out. I'm really not this way. I wasn't really going to kill myself, I was really messed up that day...

 

But anyway, he came home. Didn't talk about it at all. Acted like nothing happened (I didn't want him to talk about it either because I was so ashamed). But inside I wanted to die. I couldn't believe that I did this to my DH and my kids. It will be a moment in my life that I wILL NEVER FORGET.

 

A few days after that we had another huge fight. I can't even remember what it was about. But more hurtful things came out of my mouth and I told him to leave. And again, I had to beg him to come back to me. I told him I was sorry.

 

 

I think that is why I am having so many issues right now. I feel that Our relationship is over. I feel that we will never be able to get to where we were before. He THOUGHT THE WORLD OF ME. THAT I COULD DO NOTHING WRONG IN HIS EYES. THAT I WAS HIS PERFECT WIFE.

And now I have hurt him so bad. And I think that he turned to the OW for support. And now I am so worried that he hates me. I don't know how to fix all of this. Everything seems ok right now, he says that he forgave me and that if it ever happened again that we were going to split. We can't fight like that in front of the kids no more. But I feel so guilty. And I feel that he can leave me now just like that. I think I went to far. please, I need someone that understands. I don't know how to fix it. How to trust my husband again. I don't want to think that he would ever leave me. We both promised ourselves that we would never fight like that again. But it seems like the little fights that we are having (all about OW) will end up turning big. HE SAYS THAT NOTHING IS GOING ON...and I want to believe him.

HOW CAN I FIX THIS??? It is hard for either one of us to talk about right now and I think that is why I am being so hard on him.

[Cobra_X30]

You really need to try and switch from bieng a negative in his life to bieng a positive.

 

Why do you keep pushing him away? You realize that you are pushing him towards this other girl, right?

[Wibble]

What you have done is establish that there is a COMMUNICATION problem in your marriage. Your extreme behaviour during your rows is a symptom of the underlying stress you feel at not being able to get your message across. For him this OW is a safety valve that does not make demands, argue etc.

 

So YES there IS something going on between them, and you need to calmly and rationally get your husband to open up. The person who used to worship you is still there, he just needs ecouragement.

 

All IMHO, of course.

[Cobra_X30]

About a month ago, DH and I got into a HORRIBLE fight. No hitting but really really harsh words were said (by me). I think I have been so stressed out for months about money, being sexually frustrated and DH about losing his job...that I lashed out.

 

Hey, I just wanted to say I understand! Everyone makes mistakes. There is no reason you dont deserve another chance.

 

Time and positive actions will prove to him that you didnt mean all the stuff you said.

[hiswife]

Thanks Cobra. I remember talking with you last time. You really helped me out. I don't think I need to worry about the OW too much. I think it is either me trying to put ideas in my own head or it is just DH trying to sort through his feelings. But why would he delete that call. Just to prove to me to stop going through his things. I mean why would he hide it? I know that he was going to talk to her?

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks Cobra. I remember talking with you last time. You really helped me out. I don't think I need to worry about the OW too much. I think it is either me trying to put ideas in my own head or it is just DH trying to sort through his feelings. But why would he delete that call. Just to prove to me to stop going through his things. I mean why would he hide it? I know that he was going to talk to her?

 

Because he didnt want to fight about it later. Maybe he felt that you would get upset about the length of time they talked. Maybe he felt the time of the call would upset you. There are lots of possible reasons he deleted the phone history. I'd say not wanting to fight about it is top on his list.

 

Even the little fights are going to make him pull back emotionally.

 

You need to change how you communicate! Letting your anger go wild is not good at all. Does it sometimes feel like he doesnt listen to you if you dont get really angry?

[hiswife]

It seems like that is the only time he will listen. I try to have rational conversations with him BEFORE I get angry...but he doesn't listen until I am bawling my eyes out.

I think that things will be a lot better in a few days. He will start working again AND GETTING PAID FOR IT! He has been working at the FH for a little over a month FOR FRRREEEEE because he doesn't want to lose his position (they hired him as an EMT Coordinator) and he had slight problems getting his State Card (he had a minor background from when he was younger) and they had to have a board meeting about it to make sure that it isn't going to effect his job. So we will find out at the end of this week to see when he can officially start work...and getting paid for it.

 

I know. I am not going to bring up the deleted phone call.I need to stop prying (especially with him knowing that I'm doing it). If I talk about it, I will start crying and it will turn into another fight. I love your advice Cobra.

[Cobra_X30]

Well, I know where your coming from, and I'm trying not to tell you what to do so much as wanting you to think about some aspects of your marriage. Only you know what is the right path... you just need to make sure your emotions are not blind siding you.

 

I get the feeling that you are escalating arguments to get him to listen. I'd have a discussion with him about that. Some guys just dont listen, some guys are listening and dont show it. It will be helpful to figure out which one your husband is.

 

Studies have shown that women learn quicker from negative feedback than positive. Example: Imagine a system where pushing a button provides a plate of your favorite food. The first time you push the button the food comes. The second time you push the button you recieve an electric shock... but the food comes. Women are much less likely to push the button again after recieving the shock! Men on the other hand are more influenced by positive results. Thus many men will continue to push the button despite the shock... and even if the food stops coming... LOL.

 

So, in this regard it provides better results to praise and reward your husband for positive behavior, than it does to yell and cry over negative behavior.

 

I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

 

I took too many animal behavior classes in college... LOL.

[cj1988]

I was somewhat like you for a lon time and it is awful. I said ugly things that hurt my H and I feel bad to this day. It has been a long time since those days, but I can tell you that the investagating his cell etc can get out of hand. Before you know it you will not be able to stop. It only makes the jealousy worse for you and the "roaming" thoughts....so I am speaking from experience, stop the checking and YOU will feel better. You are the only one it is upsetting. My H use to do the same thing, erased her number, it would make me mad as s---- ! I am sure he did that to save a fight now and if he did not, then time will tell and I will be ok to let his shallow a--- go !

[Darth Vader]

Thanks Cobra. I remember talking with you last time. You really helped me out. I don't think I need to worry about the OW too much. I think it is either me trying to put ideas in my own head or it is just DH trying to sort through his feelings. But why would he delete that call. Just to prove to me to stop going through his things. I mean why would he hide it? I know that he was going to talk to her?

 

 

Intentionally deleting stuff is a big red flag. If there is/was anything going on he may have went underground with it. I suggest that you two go to marriage counseling.

[bish]

I don't want to be insanely jealous ya know? I don't want to think that my husband likes this chick more than a friend. What is sad is that I don't think he realizes how much he really does like her. It is like he is laughing in my face about it.

 

Well jealousy is perfectly justified when the person you are involved with is doing things that make you jealous.

 

I'm sorry, what he is doing isn't appropriate and he'd be pissed off if you were always checking out some other guy's myspace and contacting them...wouldn't he?

[hiswife]

You're right bish. He would be insanely jealous too. But I have to come to terms that if he is JUST friends with this girl I need to accept it. He has a few female friends (from the firehouse and I have never had a problem with them) and this girl just happen to come into his life at a bad time (when we are having major problems)And I think that he found someone that he reached out to at the time. IF (I said IF) he has any sort of feelings for her, he would never act upon them

I don't want to be the reason that our relationship isn't working (even though it is 50/50) I don't want to have to regret anything. So I need to do my part. And trust him. If I ever find out that something happened between the two. His life would be over. He would never have me again and his job would be over too. I don't think he would jeopardize either one of those. Especially his family. So, I am going to sit back and see what happens with this.

I really think it is about my insecurities after our fight happened. I am so scared that he will never see me in the light that he used to. Im terrified that we lost the love that we had. There is sooo much stress in our lives right now and I need to learn how to handle it better and stop lashing out. So I am going to be the best wife/mom anyone could ever be. I don't want any regrets. IF the PA EVER happens, I don't want to think that it was my fault.

[hiswife]

You are the only one it is upsetting. My H use to do the same thing, erased her number, it would make me mad as s---- ! I am sure he did that to save a fight now and if he did not, then time will tell and I will be ok to let his shallow a--- go !

 

I agree. I honestly think that he did it to save a fight from happening. He probably talked to her a little longer than what he would have liked and knew that I would have freaked out and we would have fought about it. AND TIME WILL TELL!!! I agree. I will wait back and see. I promised myself that I am not going to snoop again unless that I have a "feeling" about something. SO WE WILL SEE.

[notmenever]

Sometimes men (or women, for that matter) just want someone to go to who will respect them and treat them with dignity and kindness.

 

The phone thing (erasing the call) - just sparing himself the inevitable battle. Now he'll erase everything for certain...and I can't blame him.

 

Try some kindness and loving words. Won't work overnight, however. Men don't forget either.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I have a suggestion for you, dunno if you'll like it.

 

Just copy both your first two posts and print them out. Show them to your hubby. That will help more than anything, imho. If it has to work out, it will, or it won't. But your heartfelt post will let him know the truth.

 

Good luck.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby