email from ex

[MartianChronicles]

my ex bf (the one who wants us to be "friends with benefit", as you can read in the fwb section of this forum) wrote an email to me this morning.

 

he asked about my weekend (spent 2 days in rome with friends) then wrote about his: he spent two days in bed with a nice girl he met at a party.

yes, they had loads of sex, of course.

 

well, he's my ex, he should be sort of a friend (with benefit, let's not forget that, please), he says he likes me, he's fond of me and stuff, even though he doesn't love anymore, but i'm wondering, right now, why the hell did he need to wrote that f***ing email and send it to me?

 

why the hell did he need to hurt me some more?

and, most of all, why the hell does it hurt so much?

 

/mc

[AriaIncognito]

Basically that was your queue to get up and leave the friendship. Don't speak to him, don't have sex with him, don't see him, nothing. If he has that little regard for your feelings, you can't stay friends with him.

[MartianChronicles]

well, he's texted me and sent emails today, which i just ignored.

i'm going NC with him and that's it. i only hope i can cope with my anger right now. i keep thinking about the last few lines in his email "don't be sad or angry, remember we're just friends with benefit"

 

idiot.

[AriaIncognito]

well, he's texted me and sent emails today, which i just ignored.

i'm going NC with him and that's it. i only hope i can cope with my anger right now. i keep thinking about the last few lines in his email "don't be sad or angry, remember we're just friends with benefit"

 

idiot.

 

I'd reply one last time and tell him that you're ending the FWB and the friendship. That way it's clear what you want and maybe he wont bother trying anymore.

[niceguy27]

Yeah, you need to let him know that he cannot treat you like that. Since he knows how you feel and is still doing this, that should be enough for you to figure out just how much he does regard your feelings.

[oppath]

Be cold but polite if you respond to him. Focus on how you are feeling. You should be enraged!!!

 

"For you to even ask me to be friends with benefits, when you knew I wanted more, is quite cruel. You wanted to take advantage of my love and affection, which demonstrates you are not a friend. I felt used and objectified. To graphically describe your weekend belittles me and the relationship we had. I am not your friend with benefit. We are not friends. We clearly have nothing to offer each other in any type of relationship. Please don't contact me again."

 

Then block his phone number (or change yours); set up your email so his emails go straight to junk if not delete.

 

This man is horrid. To ask someone you have dumped if they want to be friends with benefits, when you know they want more, is cruel. I'd go so far as to say it is abusive, because you are trying to manipulate someone into sex with false hope, taking advantage of someones love and affection when you know they want more. People who care for each other don't do that (this is not the same thing as ex sex; if you are hanging out and flirting and have sex, it is very different than emailing asking the person you dumped if they want to be FWB). It is the ultimate form of disrespect towards someone you care about, because friends don't put each other in emotionally dangerous situations. And then to rub his sex adventures in your face...he doesn't are about your feelings at all.

 

My ex tried something similar when she dumped me. I expressed anger over it, and her response wasn't "I'm sorry." It was "I was just joking." I felt USED, OBJECTIFIED, BELITTLED, EXPLOITED, and that our relationship was a JOKE or a LIE. The damage it did to me was opening up buried insecurities, making me feel like I was unlovable and that I couldn't sustain relationships, because our relationship, after she asked to be FWB (in response to me asking for space so I could heal), made me feel like our relationship was a lie, that all the affection was just a lie.

 

Don't go that far with your thoughts. Understand this has everything to do with him as a person, and nothing to do with your worth. It has nothing to do with you. Your relationship...was it a lie? No, but it was with an *******. Now that you know this, you are free to find someone who will treat you with the love and compassion you deserve.

 

I'd recommend seeing a therapist to help you deal with this if you can, and I recommend examining the yellow or red flags that you neglected during the relationship, so the next time you are in one you make better choices and asserts more boundaries. Hell, I'd recommend, before you become exclusive with a guy in the future, telling him this story briefly, to make sure his values are that such behavior is wrong. A lot of guys are down for sex with an ex, but most of them would at least be hanging out with the ex and flirting with her first before bringing it up.

[MartianChronicles]

first of all, thanks everybody for your support and replies. that means a lot to me, so thanks again.

 

he texted me while on his way home this afternoon. i did not reply, not even read the messages. a friend of mine took my cell phone, read the messages which were coming and said: "he's mad", then deleted them all.

 

s**t... well... that was enough. i switched the phone off.

 

ok, what do i do now?

 

- see someone, a specialist, to help me come out of this. would it help? i've been through breaking up before, but it's never been so painful and cruel like this one. i do not know if i can do it by myself, really.

- i've already blocked his email addresses, im and stuff.

- let a few days pass, then write to him in a cold, polite way, just as oppath suggested.

 

not all relationships are lies and not all men are like my ex, i know. but i can feel it will take some time, a long time for me to recover.

[oppath]

f

 

not all relationships are lies and not all men are like my ex, i know. but i can feel it will take some time, a long time for me to recover.

 

Of course it will take time to recover. This man completely invalidated you as a person, your feelings, and your relationship. That is incredibly painful. I recommend a therapist to help you understand as quickly as possible...this is not about you. It is really easy to feel exploited in your situation. The risk of feeling that way is you start to believe that is all you are worth. Do not let that happen.

[fabulousgal]

Martain-

 

2 ex'es ago for me, I was completely swept off my feet by him. One day he told me we had no future. But I was welcome to stay around and hang out, and hook up but with the understanding it would go nowhere and when the time came, he'd be leaving.

 

How low and little I felt, I cannot describe. It affected all of my friendships (no trust in anyone), work relationships, and last relationship (somewhat). My skin still crawls, because he suggested this more than once (when I would break NC, no matter who broke it). Guys like this should be hung by their *** from a tree, I swear to god. No regard for someone who now loves them, to turn them into a sex buddy and thats it. I never actually did FWB, but it was so insulting he'd offer that as a solace to not wanting to continue our real relationship, for whatever reasons.

 

Run. Fast. Find someone who values sex and values YOU.

[oppath]

I only wish my girl had made it clear we didn't have a future. My girl told me the breakup had nothing to do with a lack of feelings, all the chemistry, romance, and passion were there, and that she was giving up possibly the most amazing relationship of my life. I decided that no woman would give up a relationship if that was how she actually felt, and when she asked to be FWB, she was dangling false hope to manipulate me into sex because it was good sex, while she went on dates with other guys.

 

I'm sure she wasn't twiddling her thumbs plotting something that evil, but it was highly insulting. From mutual friends, I'm told she didn't understand why it was a big deal that I got angry over it, and that she feels she had every right to ask it, and I could have just said "no thanks" instead of getting pissed.

 

I'm worried it is going to affect my current relationship. I have some trust issues now because of my ex. I feel extremely close to my current girl as a friend, and the sex is great. I only hope I can allow myself to be romantically intimate with her, eventually a little vulnerable and dependent as we continue getting to know one another.

 

If you know the other person is hurt bad and wants a relationship, it is completely exploitive. Using someone for sex when they don't have the ability to rationally weigh the consequences and make a rational decision really is a form of abuse.

[underpants]

first of all, thanks everybody for your support and replies. that means a lot to me, so thanks again.

 

he texted me while on his way home this afternoon. i did not reply, not even read the messages. a friend of mine took my cell phone, read the messages which were coming and said: "he's mad", then deleted them all.

 

s**t... well... that was enough. i switched the phone off.

 

ok, what do i do now?

 

- see someone, a specialist, to help me come out of this. would it help? i've been through breaking up before, but it's never been so painful and cruel like this one. i do not know if i can do it by myself, really.

- i've already blocked his email addresses, im and stuff.

- let a few days pass, then write to him in a cold, polite way, just as oppath suggested.

 

not all relationships are lies and not all men are like my ex, i know. but i can feel it will take some time, a long time for me to recover.

 

Yes, what he did was very disrespectful and just immature. Now you know and you can rest at ease knowing that you have one less thing to worry about.

 

I do suggest you give this a few days of no responding. Maybe he will just leave it be. Or maybe he will escalate the contact a bit more. Just revel in the fact that you are seeing him for what he is. A jerk.

 

Now, if you would like help crafting a response. Just let me know.

[oppath]

The danger with a response is he is NOT going to validate it. He is already clueless for behaving this way. With my ex, I think I said "We both know I deserve more than friends with benefits, so while the sex was great, when you broke up with me your broke up with my c*ck. I'm not going to whore myself out to you a week from now or a year from now, because friends with benefits is just f*cking, and we were in a relationship. I deserve more than that."

 

Her response was "I was just joking" which aggravated me 10 times worse. Of course she tried to save face that way, I mean, for her to even ask in the first place means she did not get it!!! If you craft a response at all, make it cold but formal, essentially emotionless. Don't give him any ammunition to fire back with.

 

If you response you can't expect him to validate that he hurt you or understand the reasons why. So if you respond with anger, in hopes he can see how much he hurt you and disrespects you, he is not going to get it.

[fabulousgal]

call me crazy, but its my opinon you don't really need to craft a response.

 

cut him off. cold. toxic people can't bear to think you cut the cord, it's going to be the best revenge.

 

i've done this in the past with friendships, relationships. and it works wonders knowing you finally said ENOUGH. without giving them reason. he's not silly, or dumb. he knows he ain't right. it'll shock him good once he knows he lost his power.

[kirikat]

he wrote it because he is unsure about his feelings, and wants to be told its ok. If he was Italian... well.... they are particularly confused, esp if you are an american.

 

Hey... Im in Italy too. Where are you? Im in florence. If you are nearby..... that would be extra great.

 

Italian men are extra special in this whole love game.

 

I have a post about a post breakup meeting with my fiorentina boy coming up in a few minutes.

[MartianChronicles]

he wrote it because he is unsure about his feelings, and wants to be told its ok. If he was Italian... well.... they are particularly confused, esp if you are an american.

 

Hey... Im in Italy too. Where are you? Im in florence. If you are nearby..... that would be extra great.

 

Italian men are extra special in this whole love game.

 

I have a post about a post breakup meeting with my fiorentina boy coming up in a few minutes.

 

yes, italian. he's from ferrara, but lives in milan actually

and i live in siena

[MartianChronicles]

good morning, everybody, and thanks again for your help.

 

first day on NC. i must say it's a bit hard... even after we broke, he would still text me in the morning. i miss the little habits we had and had kept in the last few months, but i have to say i don't miss him.

 

well... i miss the man he was before, and how he was with me. i can't really miss the jerk he'd become lately.

 

ok, so now i'm going to keep myself busy with work and gym, and possibly stop thinking about where he is and what he is doing.

 

and if something happens (texts, emails, phone calls or stuff), you'll be the first to know.

 

thanks again, everybody.

 

/mc

[kirikat]

Oh - we really do need to talk Italian boys are... different. And we American girls are .... exotic sex pets. Even when they KNOW better.

 

If you want to be in touch, my email is ladykiri at yahoo dot com, and I am really eager to meet americans who have or are dating italians, because the whole cross cultural thing makes the relationship thing a lot lot harder.

 

As to the FWB - uh uh. It only works if they really are your buddy - (my ex FWB brings me soup when Im sick, and lends me money if I need it. I wouldnt have asked my ex BF for that in a million years....)

[MartianChronicles]

Oh - we really do need to talk Italian boys are... different. And we American girls are .... exotic sex pets. Even when they KNOW better.

 

If you want to be in touch, my email is ladykiri at yahoo dot com, and I am really eager to meet americans who have or are dating italians, because the whole cross cultural thing makes the relationship thing a lot lot harder.

 

As to the FWB - uh uh. It only works if they really are your buddy - (my ex FWB brings me soup when Im sick, and lends me money if I need it. I wouldnt have asked my ex BF for that in a million years....)

 

i'll mail you in the afternoon, promise

 

but, as you can tell from my poor english, i'm italian as well... but don't worry. italian women/girls are really different from italian boys/men!

[kirikat]

Your english is stupendous! (My perception of Italian girls is that they are SO much smarter than we are with boys! Im actually really surprised that you ever let a guy get away with this behavior!)

[MartianChronicles]

dear, you're too kind

 

and.. well.. i actually let him because i was madly in love, and deeply convinced he was my mr.right... and at the beginning and for 9 out of 10 months of our relationship he was, too.

i just... sort of hoped everything would be back as it was then, if i only had had a little patience and understanding of his needs.

 

my fault, indeed.

[kirikat]

Yeah. Unfortunately I know this story all too well. And ****, it hurts.

[gdguy07]

How people can treat each other like this i"ll never know.

Ive been treated similar by an ex gf at the end of the day she was just using me until she found someone else to play with.

My advice to you is he is a player & a looser, piss him off & dont contact him...thats your best revenge for the hurt he has caused you.

good luck

[kirikat]

Ms. Martian.... I know you are in pain of your own, but I would like a favor from you....

 

Most of my girlfriends here are straniera, and most of my male friends are italiano. Now, men never tell each other the truth about anything - so of course, their insight is that "he was in it for the sex" (I have enough male friends who talk to me that I happen to know men aren't actually USUALLY like this....)

 

The other thing my Italian men friends tell me is that it is a matter of an entire generation of boys here who just never grew up.... (that is something I DO see here... many 40 year old boys running around.... fortunately, this is the first one I got involved with...)

 

As and Italian woman, I would really really like your perspective on what happened. How much did culture play in this? My head is spinning still.... and I am starting to consider finding a nice Albanese boy at this point.

[oppath]

I doubt culture has anything to do with it. Happened to me, on the receiving end from a girl, in the states. It baffled me, because hands down, I know I'd be a douchebag to treat a girlfriend this way. I could not understand how it was different with the gender roles reversed. Finally I realized it was not different. I'd be an *******, it made her a bitch.

 

Take this as a sign that you are not compatible because your values are incredibly different. No one deserves to feel exploited, like they are a piece of meat.

[kirikat]

I never felt like a piece of meat. I was never treated as a piece of meat. Thats just silly, and more than a little mysoginistic.

 

I am guessing you have never lived in a foriegn country. Please believe me when I tell you that there are large cultural differences (even though it doesnt look it at first glance)

 

I live in a country that is culturally catholic, where men often live at home until 35, and where the "mama" is feared and respected. It is a matriachy.... run by old women. There is as much difference in these relationships as there would be in the US between a San Franciscan woman and an Amish man.

 

I have many many friends married to Italian men. Most of these marriages are in trouble. And the reason, in almost every case, is from cultural expectations and misunderstandings.

 

Besides, I really want Martians perspective on this... Being an Italian, she will have far more perspective than you.