Herzen Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 If you have access to this past Sunday's New York Times, either online or the paper, check out the front page story on the increasing importance of electronic/computer evidence in affair investigations and in divorce proceedings. Affairs, today, almost always leave an electronic trail--hard drives especially. Good luck, my man. The article is a real eye opener. My bad: the article was published this past Saturday, 9-15-07. Here's the link: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/15/business/15divorce.html?
bish Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Just wanting to hear from anyone who has been cheated on or anyone else who has a opinion what they think are the top 5 signs that their significant other is/was cheating on them. 1) suddenly obsessed with losing weight and working out 2) starting to dress up more often, especially for work 3) sex has stopped 4) always wanting to go out with the girls/guys all the time and doesn't want you anywhere near where they are 5) coming home late in the morning after closing down the bars
2sunny Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 1) exercising when he hadn't in years 2) bad attitude towards me and my children and our best friends 3) sudden business trips out of town 4) unaccounted for time away from the house - he was shopping for gifts to give the OW when he would meet her for their time together. to the tune of 6-10K. yep - i found the receipts for what he bought her 5) money removed from our joint account to supply her with plane fair - then he wired it to her. (found that receipt too). he also went out and bought a new computer and told me and the kids to stay off of his computer... and out of his office... that was a major red flag! we used the computer all the time and he rarely used it at all.... yep, we still have the new one!
Herzen Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 1) exercising when he hadn't in years 2) bad attitude towards me and my children and our best friends 3) sudden business trips out of town 4) unaccounted for time away from the house - he was shopping for gifts to give the OW when he would meet her for their time together. to the tune of 6-10K. yep - i found the receipts for what he bought her 5) money removed from our joint account to supply her with plane fair - then he wired it to her. (found that receipt too). he also went out and bought a new computer and told me and the kids to stay off of his computer... and out of his office... that was a major red flag! we used the computer all the time and he rarely used it at all.... yep, we still have the new one! A good list of affair indicators. The unexplained bad moods and defensive grouchiness--especially when coupled with clothes/physique make-overs--are dead giveaways. Most straying spouses start paying more attention to themselves and less to their families. And the attention they give to their loved ones is guarded and rationed.
Herzen Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I agree with this, but do more than screaming. Screaming is just words. You need actions. You need to make them face the consequences for their actions. Screaming is just going in one ear and out the other. I tried that, it doesn't work. You need to tell her to leave, let it be known that you won't be dragged through the mud. That you will find someone who will love you. Only then will she face the seriousness and the pain for what she's done. You might be right, there. I agree.
2sunny Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 extreme criticism of me - our kids - our perfect house - our extended family and friends was a red flag as well. that's why it's easier to think about being by myself and just enjoying my friends and family now.... he was mean in the end!
Darth Vader Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 He is married and they know each other from work related issues, they don't work together or at the same place but meet regularly and in some ways he is her boss, hey they are going on a trip together with others in a couple months to the big smoke, sounds like fun, I can't believe she would do this to me, so you don't think co workers would send each other loving text that the husband can't read or even be around ? Um, NO! Have you installed a keylogger on the computer? Do you have detailed billing? Just from what you've typed, I'd say she's meeting him for more than drinks, like dessert! By the way, isn't it against work ethics to be screwing your employees? I'd check up on that one too...... His wife needs to know!
Darth Vader Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 With my situation the five things would be: 1) Blanket statements - Layed on me all the time. What 'I' was doing wrong even though it was her doing the cheating. I was often called a 'control freak' when my detective work would make me throw some questions her way that she couldn't answer. 2) Being called 'paranoid', 'crazy' that I was 'stupid' for thinking something was wrong. Very defensive. Especially when again I questioned her. 3) Hot and cold, couldn't tell from one day to the next on what mood she would be in. It was like she was bi-polar or two different personalities. I was walking on eggshells, everything 'I' did wrong was dragged out for days. 4) Not account for her whereabouts. Also her cell phone was a big thing. She had an old phone where you couldn't delete the numbers. When she was taking a shower I noticed I couldn't find her cell phone anymore, one morning I found it hidden in her glove compartment in her car. 5) Her attitude changed.. Completely. Not the same woman I fell in love with. Couldn't trust her anymore, my gut instinct was screaming to me that something was wrong. She did an excellent job in making me think something wrong with me even after all this evidence. It took a psychologist to unravel her deceits. The only way I was able to end my nightmare, my roller coaster ride was tough love. I wanted her out of the house and her using fear on me no longer worked. Like the psychologist told me, that one day I will snap out of it. That me finding peace and resolution will be more important then the thoughts of losing her. I already lost her, she couldn't be mine when she was lying and disrespecting me. It wasn't until I laid it all on the line and that she knew I was gone that she ended that BS with him. Two years later and the trust is still not 100%. Still alot of resentment, alot of taintness I guess you can call it. I can't get past it and it is affecting our marriage. Though she hasn't had contact with him in a long time (that I know of) she still sports an attitude. You need to use this tough love. There is a book that I read which helps alot. Name of it is 'tough love' I believe. Show confidence, rolling over piddling and tolerating this disrespect only produces more. You won't 'win' her back by not doing anything. Who cares if you looked at her cell phone, you have every right when this stuff is going on. If she gets defensive about that, then she is side-stepping the real issue. Don't fall for that, focus on her cheating when that discussion happens. Don't let her direct which way this goes. Start making decisions, don't wait for them to be made for you. Have you ever thought about just ending the marriage and getting it over with? I ask that because it's apparent that she has no remorse, or ever will.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 That is one thing I was thinking about. telling her already what I know and that I am watching her and like you said show her I am not going to just take this but I want to find more info first. Don't ever tell her that you are on to her until you have already gathered your information and exposed her. Don't even show that you are on to her until you get to that point. As soon as you do, she will bury that affair so deep you'll never find what you need.
JustBreathe Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 What LucretiaBorgia said!! Don't tell her until you have evidence. The first thing she will do is deny everything, she will not admit it unless you have evidence that cannot be refuted. She will deny and then clean out all emails, etc., cover her tracks and lay low until you are off the trail. The affair will most likely resume after that. This happens time and time again. She has her head deep in her behind. My H changed out the computer hard drive (said it was malfunctioning); paid off and cancelled credit cards which were in his name only (I would not have found out if I had not done a credit check on him - yes, I was that obsessed). My advice to you as one who was lied to many times and made to feel like I was crazy, is to gather your evidence. Put on your thinking cap and try to think like she does. How would she cover her tracks? They will sometimes have momentos or keepsakes of special scrumps with their slagmates. Look around. I did not use a keylogger. I was able to check the cache files on our computer and find luuuuvly messages from her to him or vice versa; in fact, it was when I signed onto the computer as my H, that was how I found out. She sent me a long email message. I responded in two word responses and she gave me so much information. Silly cow. If she is still scrumping around with married men behind her poor sick husband (debiliating lung disease), I hope she has learned more discretion. I did not install a voice recorder as my H was giddy with lust enough not to think about passwords much, so he used the same numerical password he uses for his teller card and I was able to collect his messages from work at my leisure. This also worked for an email account he used to speak with his beloved skank. I put her on my list of "buddies" on my aol account and once caught them both on-line together, although I could not see what they were saying. It took them a little while to notice I was on-line also. They both suddenly signed off. Silly wabbits. Tricks are for kids. So, try to learn the passwords to her voicemail or email. If she has a Verizon account, you might be able to acquire the "back door" number used to collect your emails remotely. I did this as well, but it was early in the beginning when I first found out, so I cannot remember how I did it. You will have to know her password, however. Most often, when a cheater does not realize they are being watched, they are careless and often will use the same passwords you might already be familiar with. Even though I had concrete evidence, and let him read the instant message transmission that clearly showed he was screwing his "she's only a friend" office pump woman from work, he still tried to deny it! hahahah!!!! They are incredible liars. Affairs are not possible without the ability to lie convincingly. Gather your info and blast her unawares. That is the best way.
JustBreathe Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Final comment: If her scrump mate is married - telling his spouse will ensure that they do not resume their scrump fest and start it up again once the "heat is off." Disgusting. Hard to do. Heart wrenching. But necessary. Most married men dump their other women upon their wife finding out. I did not do this. I did not have the nerve. It is the one thing I regret 5 years later. The reason I did not was that her husband is sick, I have seen him, pale and thin. He has a sort of lung disease that spreads very slowly. I don't know what it is. He cannot work full time. The scab claimed that he could not make love to her either and that is why she chose to screw my husband; somehow they managed to make two children. Go figure. Immaculate conception is impossible with this particular woman so it must have been two miracles. Anyway, I figured the man had enough sorrow to deal with. I have thought of it many times with alot of guilt that he doesn't know to this day. And I do believe my H and hoora did in fact resume their affair very briefly about a year later. Too many details to mention here.
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 I just wanted to say thanks to all the replies, I recognize some of the red flags. I wish I could say more but I am at a loss for words and very tired and so confused. I mean I have been having suspicions but this is just too much reality at the moment. I really find it hard to believe she is this person that so many of you have described. I am just tired, it has been a long day and I got a major headache.
OpenBook Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 Most married men dump their other women upon their wife finding out. I did not do this. I did not have the nerve. It is the one thing I regret 5 years later... And I do believe my H and hoora did in fact resume their affair very briefly about a year later. Too many details to mention here. Are you still married to him?
Woggle Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I was shocked when I found my ex cheating but looking back there were signs. Nothing I did was right and as soon as I started doing what she wanted she wanted the opposite. If I spent time with her I was smothering her but if I gave her space I was ignoring her. She complained about everything and I think she did it to convince herself that I was the bad guy so she could screw different guys. She was laid off during the last few months and she was taking home a different guy every few days when I thought she was job hunting. Looking back I should have seen but I thought her erratic behavior was due to the drinking habit she had developed.
Trialbyfire Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I just wanted to say thanks to all the replies, I recognize some of the red flags. I wish I could say more but I am at a loss for words and very tired and so confused. I mean I have been having suspicions but this is just too much reality at the moment. I really find it hard to believe she is this person that so many of you have described. I am just tired, it has been a long day and I got a major headache. One step at a time GG. Rest up and keep searching for more information. I think you'll find it, whether you want to or not.
smoothflame007 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 listen pal a lot of the time your wife might feel that you are not giving her the proper love too. you gotta know that for an affair there needs to be tension, and it takes two to create that whether or not you think so. why not leave this story of yours alone and take your wife out to a flower store, take her to a restaurant go somewhere where you can tell her she is the dream you never thought would come true. be supportive be a man. if you look at yourself and see that you are perfect...therein lies your problem.
outofdarkness Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Just wanting to hear from anyone who has been cheated on or anyone else who has a opinion what they think are the top 5 signs that their significant other is/was cheating on them. 1) Cell phone habits change, like odd time, long calls, odd numbers, secrecy w/ phone 2) Takes sudden interest in appearance; starts to work out when didn't prev, goes for frequent hair cuts, buys new and different clothes, checks himself out thoroughly after dressing and before leaving 3) Make frequent excuses to leave the house; like says he's going to the store down the street and stays gone for 2 hours 4) Picks fights w/ you so that he feels ok about leaving to see his OW and has an excuse to leave 5) Stays on the computer during odd hours and has secret e mail accounts If I could go on, I would say, suddenly starts to do his own laundry, has perfume smell on clothes or lipstick, loss of interest in anything that has to do w/ a future w/ you such as home maintenance, doesn't say I love you anymore, oh and the BIGGIE...change in sex..lack of or more of...That's my two cents! ood
JustBreathe Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 All of the above, good signs. May I just add: Mood changes. Put-downs. Easily tense or angry with you. Passive-aggressive behavior. New sexier underwear.
outofdarkness Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 All of the above, good signs. May I just add: Mood changes. Put-downs. Easily tense or angry with you. Passive-aggressive behavior. New sexier underwear. Yeah, those r great ones!!!
Rooster_DAR Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I was shocked when I found my ex cheating but looking back there were signs. Nothing I did was right and as soon as I started doing what she wanted she wanted the opposite. If I spent time with her I was smothering her but if I gave her space I was ignoring her. She complained about everything and I think she did it to convince herself that I was the bad guy so she could screw different guys. She was laid off during the last few months and she was taking home a different guy every few days when I thought she was job hunting. Looking back I should have seen but I thought her erratic behavior was due to the drinking habit she had developed. This mirrors almost exactly what my EX put me through. It's almost like the person you once knew has completely changed into a new person, they a rollercoaster, meanwhile you are confused thinking maybe you are the problem and they seem to shift all the problems to you. I might add that my EX started acting like she was 18 again, constant texting on the cellphone and taking trips out of town saying she was going with friends. As for the signs, most of the posters covered the big ones. Here's my two cents. * Change in behavior * Change in appearance * Secretiveness * Suddenly more independent * Sleeping in other room/Quits wearing ring * Gets angry/uncomfortable when sex is initiated I believe most of the signs points to an affair/cheating.
starlite Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 ALthough I agree with some of these signs i kinda disagree too cause well, my bf is a culprit of them adn I dont think he is cheating. Such AS: New to working out. We have been together over 2 years. Before we dated he was in shape. he is now 20 lbs heavier so he has been going to the gym like 5 days a week because he doesnt feel good about himself. He gets moody...but i think it is because he has put up with my insecurity for 2 years and has a really short fuse now (working on legthening it!). I like to look good when I go out, so does he. I guess it all depends on your relationship. I never get the impression he is cheating...just I get nervous he will meet someone better for him. WHat a yucky feeling!!!!!
chocolat07 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Here are my top FIVE signs that your partner is cheating on you: 1. They are always looking at their cell phones for any missed calls, text messages, and voicemails and they guard their cell phones with their lives. 2. They've become more self-conscious of their appearance... wearing cologne/perfume... sporting a new outfit, styling their hair, etc. This is more apparent when your significant other has not displayed this type of behavior in the past. 3. Coming home late (more frequent than normal) and will use overtime, office meetings, company function, etc. as an excuse. 4. Showing less interest in you, and the quality of your lovemaking sessions begin to deteriorate. 5. They become protective of their computers for fear you may look at emails, etc. Hope this helps!
rockerdude Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 1.) Doesn't come right home after work, school etc. ( or they are not at work...and their excuse doesn't make sense, when you ask,"Where were you today?"?) 2.) Seems real happy all of a sudden, enjoys sex more..but you haven't initiated the change in the relationship. (they often do a comparitive thing with you-like trying on shoes) 3.) Decide to get a job, out of the blue. (The set themselves up to leave you if it all goes wrong plan...lol..and you catch her not wearing her ring, supposedly because of work.) 4.) Acting independant...from you, subtle but it is as if they are totally fine. (Until you question them...then you get called, paranoid, jealous, unttrusting, unloving and crazy, delusional-or a favorite...co-dependant) 5.) Panties...(for men only), Guys...if she is always wearing hot undies...even for school..and she usually doesn't really care which ones she wears....it IS for a reason, a person...& not you! Wink I hate to even put just 5 because we all know it is not one thing but many and depends on the person you are with, what they usually do and what they are now doing. Key thing is...if they are changing...it IS for a reason.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Not sure if this was mentioned: but they will groom their pubic hair in a way they don't normally, and do it for no apparent reason. For example: a woman doesn't just go "get a wax" for no reason, if she wasn't into waxing before. A man won't spend a half hour trimming up his pubes for a "night out with the guys."
ahr268 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 You know, it's funny. Most of the signs described here - they apply not only to cheaters but to married people who might have a crush on/be in love with another man/woman. (is this, by the way, what is referred to as "emotional affair" even if no reciprocity is involved)? I posted on this forum a few days ago ("a dead end...", for the regulars), and have started reading it regularly after receiving so much wise, useful advice. Aside from the cell phone/computer paranoia, I recognized most of the signs you mention happening to me as well. My husband has complained that I've become irritable, inattentive. We haven't had sex for ages (the tought of doing it with him makes me feel guilty - how can you be intimate with one person and think about another?) Also - more care for appearance, gym, nicer clothes, haircuts, even the pubes mention - all of that fits. Never realised that I display typical signs of a cheater... Maybe all this to say that people (not the original poster specifically, but - in general) shouldn't immediately assume the other person is cheating on them. maybe the wife/husband "fell" for someone, feels guilty as hell, but cant help thinking about the other person. maybe they want to save the marriage, but are lost, confused, scared? None of that is an excuse, just something to consider... By the way - a small update on my situation for those who read the post: I asked husband to return earlier, have limited contact with the OM to work only (with every day it's easier to do) and - maybe most importantly - realised that I was looking for an external solution to an internal problem. I feel miserable, unhappy with myself and was seeking another's approval/reassurance... not good reasons to leave a marriange for another man.
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