Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Just wanting to hear from anyone who has been cheated on or anyone else who has a opinion what they think are the top 5 signs that their significant other is/was cheating on them.
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 It's difficult to nail down five characteristics but one big red flag is, inconsistency.
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 It's difficult to nail down five characteristics but one big red flag is, inconsistency. Would that be the same thing as weird things out of the ordinary happening making the other person think that is kinda strange?
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Would that be the same thing as weird things out of the ordinary happening making the other person think that is kinda strange? Yes. Unusual behaviours inconsistent to his normal patterns. Blowing hot and cold, irritability, avoidance of easily resolveable situations, etc. Your gut instinct will kick in, giving you feelings of discomfort.
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Yes. Unusual behaviours inconsistent to his normal patterns. Blowing hot and cold, irritability, avoidance of easily resolveable situations, etc. Your gut instinct will kick in, giving you feelings of discomfort. Well sadly it is not a him but a her and the gut instinct has been going on for some time since a very difficult time. Would a text message saying that she was all alone in bed and that he could text her back, that she enjoyed all the funny emails and was waiting for his loving text count as unusual ? yeah thought so,that is what happens when you fall asleep with your cell phone
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Well sadly it is not a him but a her and the gut instinct has been going on for some time since a very difficult time. Would a text message saying that she was all alone in bed and that he could text her back, that she enjoyed all the funny emails and was waiting for his loving text count as unusual ? yeah thought so,that is what happens when you fall asleep with your cell phone She falls asleep cradling her cell phone?
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 She falls asleep cradling her cell phone? Not usually but I guess she was waiting for his loving text, I got the first part of it, he was just dropping someone off now, so I guess the loving text was coming soon, too bad she fell asleep
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Not usually but I guess she was waiting for his loving text, I got the first part of it, he was just dropping someone off now, so I guess the loving text was coming soon, too bad she fell asleep Don't forget to write down the phone number of where it's coming from...
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Don't forget to write down the phone number of where it's coming from... Oh I know who it is, I posted a thread around xmas last year about him kissing her. There have been other strange things that have made me curious, like getting back from work changing into around the house clothes then all of a sudden changing into going out clothes and going for just a drive that last a hour, yeah, I just got no idea what to do about it all now.
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Oh I know who it is, I posted a thread around xmas last year about him kissing her. There have been other strange things that have made me curious, like getting back from work changing into around the house clothes then all of a sudden changing into going out clothes and going for just a drive that last a hour, yeah, I just got no idea what to do about it all now. Who is this guy? Is he married or in a committed relationship?
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Who is this guy? Is he married or in a committed relationship? He is married and they know each other from work related issues, they don't work together or at the same place but meet regularly and in some ways he is her boss, hey they are going on a trip together with others in a couple months to the big smoke, sounds like fun, I can't believe she would do this to me, so you don't think co workers would send each other loving text that the husband can't read or even be around ?
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 He is married and they know each other from work related issues, they don't work together or at the same place but meet regularly and in some ways he is her boss, hey they are going on a trip together with others in a couple months to the big smoke, sounds like fun, I can't believe she would do this to me, so you don't think co workers would send each other loving text that the husband can't read or even be around ? Ummm...nope...especially at 3 am eastern time... If he's married, there's one more person who needs to know and that's his wife. If there's any way to find her number, contact her and let her handle her side of the affair. Your wife, you need to handle. Wait for the morning and maybe you will have calmed down a little by then. Don't let her gaslight you with lies and b/s. See where she sits after you've discussed it with her. It might be an emotional affair or it could be more. You also have another option. Don't do anything to let her know you know and start gathering evidence for legal action. Btw, my ex-H cheated on me too, hence the divorce. Do you have any kids?
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Ummm...nope...especially at 3 am eastern time... If he's married, there's one more person who needs to know and that's his wife. If there's any way to find her number, contact her and let her handle her side of the affair. Your wife, you need to handle. Wait for the morning and maybe you will have calmed down a little by then. Don't let her gaslight you with lies and b/s. See where she sits after you've discussed it with her. It might be an emotional affair or it could be more. You also have another option. Don't do anything to let her know you know and start gathering evidence for legal action. Btw, my ex-H cheated on me too, hence the divorce. Do you have any kids? Well I was thinking for now playing I don't know nothing, she is sound asleep and does not even know I read her text messages. I really don't know what is going on, there are a lot of strange things going on, I am just trying to piece it together but this one kinda upset me. I am sure I can get her number, in fact I know she has his home number, she calls him sometimes with work issues. No kids, if you knew our history maybe it would make sense why I don't know what is going on, I don't know if I should feel sorry for her or what. We have had only disasters trying to have a child and I think she has lost her way. I am sorry about your ex cheating.
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Well I was thinking for now playing I don't know nothing, she is sound asleep and does not even know I read her text messages. I really don't know what is going on, there are a lot of strange things going on, I am just trying to piece it together but this one kinda upset me. I am sure I can get her number, in fact I know she has his home number, she calls him sometimes with work issues. No kids, if you knew our history maybe it would make sense why I don't know what is going on, I don't know if I should feel sorry for her or what. We have had only disasters trying to have a child and I think she has lost her way. I am sorry about your ex cheating. It's a good idea to lay low and collect more information. This way, if she starts lying to you, like they all do when they're cheating, you can refute her lies. Btw, if she's cheating, she's not the same trustworthy person you know, trust and love, so don't rely on your historical relationship to be able to judge truth or not. Thanks but it's okay. We're divorced and the love is deader than a doornail, at least with me...
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 It's a good idea to lay low and collect more information. This way, if she starts lying to you, like they all do when they're cheating, you can refute her lies. Btw, if she's cheating, she's not the same trustworthy person you know, trust and love, so don't rely on your historical relationship to be able to judge truth or not. Thanks but it's okay. We're divorced and the love is deader than a doornail, at least with me... Yeah I think that is my best solution, I just wish she would come clean and tell me what the hell she wants, she was my angel, I wish I could get into her head and figure things out for her. Anyways thanks for your input TBF, I should try and get some rest, work will be brutal tomorrow.
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Yeah I think that is my best solution, I just wish she would come clean and tell me what the hell she wants, she was my angel, I wish I could get into her head and figure things out for her. Anyways thanks for your input TBF, I should try and get some rest, work will be brutal tomorrow. Take care of yourself GG. There's enough of us on LS who've been through this so you know where to find us, if you need more advice or a sympathetic ear.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Yeah I think that is my best solution, I just wish she would come clean and tell me what the hell she wants Its clear what she wants. She wants to be in an affair with her MM. No one wants to look their spouse in the face, and tell them that they want to be in love with and have sex with someone else, while keeping the spouse around to fulfill other mundane needs. Let me tell you this with absolute certainty: affairs do not end for altruistic reasons. The only way an affair ends: a. either MM/MW or OW/OM gets bored of the relationship and finds someone new b. they get caught, exposed and the affair is forced to end c. they feel they are close to getting caught, or the affair starts threatening the status quo (they notice BS distancing and changing as a result of your own affair actions). In other words, they end for their own sake and their own reasons - not yours. In your case, it is clear that your W and her MM are not bored with each other. Quite the contrary. It is equally clear that neither are feeling that their status quo is being threatened. His wife is probably looking the other way and trying to explain things away in her own mind, just like you are doing. Basically finding every reason in your mind to not see this for what it is. So... you are left with the third option. You want this to end? You have to force it to end. You and his W hold the power to crush this affair, and kill it. All you have to do is gather what you can as physical evidence (keylogger, phone records, write down her last infidelity with him in detail, write down every inconsistency you see including missing time and clothing changes, etc - this way MM's W can compare times and dates with her own H's inconsistencies) and make sure that his W gets a copy. Since they are co-workers and obviously take advantage of company time to cheat on their spouses, HR should get a copy as well. Exposure through work and through his W should be enough to at least stun the affair. When you are sure that his W has her copy, and HR has theirs - then you give her a copy and inform her of the exposure and tell her that the affair is over. She will then have a choice: 'no contact' with the MM (including a job change if necessary) and marriage counseling OR divorce. No in between. It sounds draconian, but I can tell you from the (reformed) cheaters point of view: any level of permissiveness or 'looking the other way' or denial can and will be exploited. Your inability to hurt her is what enables her affair. If you do not force it to end, it won't. Forcing an affair to end is like chemo for your relationship. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is debilitating to your relationship. Yes, your relationship will suffer initially. Your wife will express blinding hatred and rage as she is forced to give up her addiction... but if you hold on to the idea of your marriage, and commit yourself to making it work you can work your way back to reconciliation.
Herzen Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Real world insulation oxygenates affairs. Fantasy Bubbles encapsulate affairs and the lovers revel in their isolation from the real world, the mundane, the quotidian, their spouses. It's almost impossible for betrayed spouses, who wash dishes, change diapers and take out the trash, to compete against the affair-lover, who embodies passion, pleasure, the outrageous and erotic fantasy. So what do you do? You burst the bubble. You bust the fantasy. You pull the curtains down and let the harsh light of day melt the affair like some Hammer film vampire. You make the affair painful as opposed to pleasurable. You look your spouse in the eye and start screaming.
jmargel Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 With my situation the five things would be: 1) Blanket statements - Layed on me all the time. What 'I' was doing wrong even though it was her doing the cheating. I was often called a 'control freak' when my detective work would make me throw some questions her way that she couldn't answer. 2) Being called 'paranoid', 'crazy' that I was 'stupid' for thinking something was wrong. Very defensive. Especially when again I questioned her. 3) Hot and cold, couldn't tell from one day to the next on what mood she would be in. It was like she was bi-polar or two different personalities. I was walking on eggshells, everything 'I' did wrong was dragged out for days. 4) Not account for her whereabouts. Also her cell phone was a big thing. She had an old phone where you couldn't delete the numbers. When she was taking a shower I noticed I couldn't find her cell phone anymore, one morning I found it hidden in her glove compartment in her car. 5) Her attitude changed.. Completely. Not the same woman I fell in love with. Couldn't trust her anymore, my gut instinct was screaming to me that something was wrong. She did an excellent job in making me think something wrong with me even after all this evidence. It took a psychologist to unravel her deceits. The only way I was able to end my nightmare, my roller coaster ride was tough love. I wanted her out of the house and her using fear on me no longer worked. Like the psychologist told me, that one day I will snap out of it. That me finding peace and resolution will be more important then the thoughts of losing her. I already lost her, she couldn't be mine when she was lying and disrespecting me. It wasn't until I laid it all on the line and that she knew I was gone that she ended that BS with him. Two years later and the trust is still not 100%. Still alot of resentment, alot of taintness I guess you can call it. I can't get past it and it is affecting our marriage. Though she hasn't had contact with him in a long time (that I know of) she still sports an attitude. You need to use this tough love. There is a book that I read which helps alot. Name of it is 'tough love' I believe. Show confidence, rolling over piddling and tolerating this disrespect only produces more. You won't 'win' her back by not doing anything. Who cares if you looked at her cell phone, you have every right when this stuff is going on. If she gets defensive about that, then she is side-stepping the real issue. Don't fall for that, focus on her cheating when that discussion happens. Don't let her direct which way this goes. Start making decisions, don't wait for them to be made for you.
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Its clear what she wants. She wants to be in an affair with her MM. No one wants to look their spouse in the face, and tell them that they want to be in love with and have sex with someone else, while keeping the spouse around to fulfill other mundane needs. Let me tell you this with absolute certainty: affairs do not end for altruistic reasons. The only way an affair ends: a. either MM/MW or OW/OM gets bored of the relationship and finds someone new b. they get caught, exposed and the affair is forced to end c. they feel they are close to getting caught, or the affair starts threatening the status quo (they notice BS distancing and changing as a result of your own affair actions). In other words, they end for their own sake and their own reasons - not yours. In your case, it is clear that your W and her MM are not bored with each other. Quite the contrary. It is equally clear that neither are feeling that their status quo is being threatened. His wife is probably looking the other way and trying to explain things away in her own mind, just like you are doing. Basically finding every reason in your mind to not see this for what it is. So... you are left with the third option. You want this to end? You have to force it to end. You and his W hold the power to crush this affair, and kill it. All you have to do is gather what you can as physical evidence (keylogger, phone records, write down her last infidelity with him in detail, write down every inconsistency you see including missing time and clothing changes, etc - this way MM's W can compare times and dates with her own H's inconsistencies) and make sure that his W gets a copy. Since they are co-workers and obviously take advantage of company time to cheat on their spouses, HR should get a copy as well. Exposure through work and through his W should be enough to at least stun the affair. When you are sure that his W has her copy, and HR has theirs - then you give her a copy and inform her of the exposure and tell her that the affair is over. She will then have a choice: 'no contact' with the MM (including a job change if necessary) and marriage counseling OR divorce. No in between. It sounds draconian, but I can tell you from the (reformed) cheaters point of view: any level of permissiveness or 'looking the other way' or denial can and will be exploited. Your inability to hurt her is what enables her affair. If you do not force it to end, it won't. Forcing an affair to end is like chemo for your relationship. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is debilitating to your relationship. Yes, your relationship will suffer initially. Your wife will express blinding hatred and rage as she is forced to give up her addiction... but if you hold on to the idea of your marriage, and commit yourself to making it work you can work your way back to reconciliation. Thanks LB for all your advice. I had already decided to buy a digital voice recorder before I found this out. There was too many strange things going on and I wanted to find out what. Needless to say I know enough already to hurt me. Last week I had looked into the cell phone records, I wanted to see if I could get detailed billing seeing right now it shows only long distant calls but seeing the contract is in her name she is the only one who can change that option. The keylogger I will think about but the cell phone is the key. I will also keep track and write dates down. I don't want to involve his wife, not at this time anyways. I am just too tired for all this, I still can't believe it. I just find it funny I had hardly any sleep and I feel my heart broken and she gets to sleep like a baby. Anyways thanks again, I just read your thread about your situation, I wish you all the best health wise.
jmargel Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Real world insulation oxygenates affairs. Fantasy Bubbles encapsulate affairs and the lovers revel in their isolation from the real world, the mundane, the quotidian, their spouses. It's almost impossible for betrayed spouses, who wash dishes, change diapers and take out the trash, to compete against the affair-lover, who embodies passion, pleasure, the outrageous and erotic fantasy. So what do you do? You burst the bubble. You bust the fantasy. You pull the curtains down and let the harsh light of day melt the affair like some Hammer film vampire. You make the affair painful as opposed to pleasurable. You look your spouse in the eye and start screaming. I agree with this, but do more than screaming. Screaming is just words. You need actions. You need to make them face the consequences for their actions. Screaming is just going in one ear and out the other. I tried that, it doesn't work. You need to tell her to leave, let it be known that you won't be dragged through the mud. That you will find someone who will love you. Only then will she face the seriousness and the pain for what she's done.
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Real world insulation oxygenates affairs. Fantasy Bubbles encapsulate affairs and the lovers revel in their isolation from the real world, the mundane, the quotidian, their spouses. It's almost impossible for betrayed spouses, who wash dishes, change diapers and take out the trash, to compete against the affair-lover, who embodies passion, pleasure, the outrageous and erotic fantasy. So what do you do? You burst the bubble. You bust the fantasy. You pull the curtains down and let the harsh light of day melt the affair like some Hammer film vampire. You make the affair painful as opposed to pleasurable. You look your spouse in the eye and start screaming. That is one thing I was thinking about. telling her already what I know and that I am watching her and like you said show her I am not going to just take this but I want to find more info first.
Author Great Gazoo Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 I agree with this, but do more than screaming. Screaming is just words. You need actions. You need to make them face the consequences for their actions. Screaming is just going in one ear and out the other. I tried that, it doesn't work. You need to tell her to leave, let it be known that you won't be dragged through the mud. That you will find someone who will love you. Only then will she face the seriousness and the pain for what she's done. Well I have already ask her about different things and that is the problem, she wont listen, she has a answer for everything. So for now I need all the info I can dig up first to show her I know. Anyways I got to get some work down, thanks for the replies.
woe_is_me Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Just wanting to hear from anyone who has been cheated on or anyone else who has a opinion what they think are the top 5 signs that their significant other is/was cheating on them. 1: Starting an argument for no reason 2: Telling you that you're the paranoid and suspicious one 3: Unexpected events arising all of a sudden 4: Occasions/immediate family birthdays usually uncared for all of a sudden mattering... 5: Unexplained/dropped phone calls
Herzen Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 That is one thing I was thinking about. telling her already what I know and that I am watching her and like you said show her I am not going to just take this but I want to find more info first. If you have access to this past Sunday's New York Times, either online or the paper, check out the front page story on the increasing importance of electronic/computer evidence in affair investigations and in divorce proceedings. Affairs, today, almost always leave an electronic trail--hard drives especially. Good luck, my man. The article is a real eye opener.
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