stanchain Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 It has been a long time since i have been on here, so I hope my old friends like gunny and dad of 3 are still around. But not just them but I need some advice from everybody. I had a real bad break up the end of last year and was on here all the time. Gunny you said she would get tired of being with a boy and such. But out of nowhere we ran into each other after like 7 months. Since then she has called me 7 time and sent me like 12 emails ( at the bottom) she is saying all the right things but I am just not sure. she acts like she wants another chance and we are going to lunch tomorrow.... what should I do???? the emails she sent me are both ways.. sounds like she is unhappy with the guy she got with after we broke up and realized she had it really good... so do i give her a chance.. or is she just going to play with my emotions again? ADVICE PLEASE!! [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial','sans-serif]hey hope you have a good day at work too...it was nice seeing you today..but little shocking. so how do you like doing internet sales do u make more money hope you do...aaron must love that. i hope you are getting all of your new years resolutions to come true....well talk to you soon member not to call or text my number k...much love[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial','sans-serif]well thats good....so do you get to see aaron when ever you want now or does your mom watch him when your at work? if you ever decide to eat at tahoe please do not bring in a girl that will upset me unless you want to do that... well i do really miss you alot and now i am really wondering if i made a mistake and if i should fix it??? but the only thing is i have a 13,000 loan out with him that i just got not too long ago and now i might be stuck with it but i am happy with him but only to a certain point and lately ever since he was going to go cheat on me i have not been happy plus he used to call me fat all the time and look at other girls in front of me and say that is what you need to look like... he has changed a bit but not really....so what girl are you going to choose or are you going to settle down with one?? so by seeing me did you get your closeur? well i have to go to work talk to you later...much love [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial','sans-serif]well thats good that u see aaron alot more i know that makes him happy. and the money part is an issue let me explain my bills if i left.... car 661,rent my share would be 475, cable 50, pge 50,#1 loan 173, #2 loan 215,insurance 175,cell ?? i think that it but that is not including gas and food you know how it is....see you make plenty of money to live on your own.. i dont and i do not have my parents to depend on now since everything is going on.i would have to work my ass off like i do now but more just to barely make it...so if happiness matters it does but to certain extents. yes i feed the fish and talk to him almost everyday...it reminds me about you...i had a horrible night last night only made 30 bucks and was there till eleven thirty went home and tried to fall asleep but couldnt cuz jeremy was mad that i came home late and thought i was doing something else i was so pissed last night and my body doesnt want to eat at all and dont know why i hate life...it was so much easier when i was with you.... you should see the house it is a mess i wont clean it up cuz he wont help me at all so i am protesting and if he doesnt help me then i am going to do something about it!!! well im going to take a nap before i go to work tonight....i hope you mom and your family doesnt hate me...[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial','sans-serif] talk to you soon...mel[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial','sans-serif]so if i was single again you would try to work things out with me again?? be honest i know the breakup was bad so i dont expect anything....mel[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial','sans-serif]feel so bad about the ring....im sooo sorry i had to i wish i would of stayed with u it was a mistake...u never in ur life time have to ever get me a ring again..unless u want. well hopefully i get to talk to u on monday...much love[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial','sans-serif]hey if your ever hungry never be afraid to eat at tahoe joes i will be there tonight at 5 much lo[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][/COLOR] [FONT=Calibri][/FONT]
quankanne Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 all I see are red flags: "so by seeing me did you get your closeur? well i have to go to work talk to you later...much love" ... "if i was single again you would try to work things out with me again??" "i had to i wish i would of stayed with u it was a mistake...u never in ur life time have to ever get me a ring again..unless u want." "if you ever decide to eat at tahoe please do not bring in a girl that will upset me unless you want to do that" "well i do really miss you alot and now i am really wondering if i made a mistake and if i should fix it???" "i am happy with him but only to a certain point and lately ever since he was going to go cheat on me i have not been happy plus he used to call me fat all the time and look at other girls in front of me and say that is what you need to look like..." see, these are the things that someone tells an ex when she's got a bad case of "the grass looks greener where YOU are standing" – she's feeling sorry for herself for the choices she's made, and knows that because you once had feelings for her, you "really must care about her and would never treat her bad." my honest opinion? Unless you want to get jerked around like a fish on a hook battling a determined fisherman, blow off your lunch date. Because all she wants is you to make her feel cherished and special again while she's with a loser she doesn't plan to leave. the big question here is, are you strong enough to walk away? I realize you have feelings for her and for what y'all had, but are they worth you being used by her? Because she must suspect those feelings are still valid, and therefore feels she can come crying to you about how "bad" she has it and how "good" you were to her. my sister does this, talks about my best friend from college and an afternoon they spent at the beach. And about how he liked her so much and how he was flirting, etc. I've noticed she does it when she's not wanting to deal with the particular realities in her life (marital problems, kid problems), and while one part of me can kind of see where she's coming from, a much larger part gets really pissed off that she would use him like this, especially knowing that he's a very dear friend of mine ...
Ladyjane14 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I'm in agreement with Quankanne. Sounds to me like she's looking for a rescue. Sure, the knight in shining armor routine is good for a guy's ego, but in the long run it sets the parameters of the relationship in a faulty way, with one person being in the consistent position of giver and the other as taker. If I remember your story correctly, this gal would only be about 22 or so now. She's still got some growing up to do, I think. In order to be a good partner, she's got to be in a position to WANT a relationship... not NEED it. IOW, if she's looking for a 'bail out'... then it's really not about YOU as a unique and individual human being. I think I'd be telling you something different if she was living on her own, paying her own way, and not emotionally or financially entangled. But it doesn't sound like that's the case. My advice would be to either blow off the lunch date altogether, as Q has recommended, and failing that... to politely set her STRAIGHT when you get there. ie. "No, I'm not interested. Give me a call when you're single and living an independent lifestyle."
notspiritual Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 This girl does not have the strength of character to leave a crappy relationship, to become single again and to prove to you that she is serious in wanting to win you back. Instead she is not willing to take any risk: she would leave her boyfriend only if she has the certainty that you would try to work things out with her again. Do you want to be perceived as a chump that she can take back anytime without a single effort or risk? If she is serious about getting back, let her chase you, not the other way around. Make her work very hard to win you back. If she is unwilling then you are better off without her. You want a girl who truly wants to be with you, not a girl who consider you as a temporary escape until another man comes along.
Gunny376 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I'm in agreement with the rest, she's made her bed hard, now she can sleep in it! She had her chance! She blew it, and from the sound of it all she's really not learned nor grown from the experience! She turned your world up-side down and walks away as though it was cool or something. It sound as though you've turned your life around and got your act together. I wouldn't be letting her get a second shoot at me. Don't scarifice your hard earned self-respect/dignity. Your a man, you've got your pride, you don't need some woman hurting you inside! She blew it, and she knows it! That's her problem! (Along with the laundry list of other ones) ~ not yours. Go find yourself someone who's going to appreciate what you've got to offer going into the relationship. Who's got something to offer you besides a bunch of bills, problems and more trouble. You need someone who needs your because they wany you ~ not because they can't tote the note on meeting the neccessitites of life. That's just more using and abusing you ~ being a blood sucking parasite. Second time relationships seldom work out, but a small percentage (very small) do such that it makes others believe that they're "do-able" For "this one" to have any chance of succeding you've got to ask yourself: "What's change? What's different from seven months ago?" And from the sounds of it, from her side of the fence ~ very little!
Mz. Pixie Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I agree with everyone here. I actually kinda just wanted to go all Dr. Phil and say "Are you kidding me?":lmao: Werent' you paying her car note and all of those other things??? THAT is what she is missing, sweetie, not you. Come on. Certainly you are not going to take her back??
justfine Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I agree with all the posters. She is feeling sorry for herself and worried about her finances. I notice how she details alls her bills and complains that she is barely making ends meet. Definitely pass on your ex. Be patient and wait for someone who is independent and does not need you for financial support.
Author stanchain Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 You are all right, and I know it.. but I do still love the girl. we had lunch and it felt good. I do not know if we are going to try or not try. what i do know is things have happen to me the last year or so that she would have to accept.. i.e. ended up getting a girl i was seeing pregnant. stupid as hell yess... on purpose.. uh no. but if she can accept that and prove to me that this is where she really wants to be why shouldnt I at least see where her head is at? I am not saying jump right back in, but at least see if it is possible..., what do yall think
reboot Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 I think you're going to do what you want to do no matter what anyone here says.
quankanne Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 what do I think? I think you're a fool to let her use you like this again, but hey, it's your party ... do whatever makes you feel good. But know that those good feelings arent' going to last when you're trying to make something work with someone who is obviously too immature to deal with whatever reality flicks her way ...
Ladyjane14 Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 what i do know is things have happen to me the last year or so that she would have to accept.. i.e. ended up getting a girl i was seeing pregnant. Well what are you planning on doing with the girl you got pregnant?
dropdeadlegs Posted September 18, 2007 Posted September 18, 2007 stanchain! I was thinking about you last week, wondering how you are doing. It's nice to hear from you, I just wish the news were better. So, Melissa has made a re-entry of sorts. I have to agree with the other posters concerning the content of the emails. I am wary of so many things that were said. Let me explain a concept I refer to as "overlapping." I have known several overlappers in my days. The overlapper does not leave one relationship until they are fairly well cemented in a new one. Some may refer to this kind of activity as "serial cheating" in a sense. Melissa had begun a relationship with "boytoy" before exiting the relationship with you. By virtue of her emails, I sense she is now beginning an attempt to reverse that situation by recreating a new relationship with you while still involved with "boytoy." Most who engage in this kind of activity are incapable of being alone and cannot be happy without someone, or more accurately "anyone." I don't think this is in anyway healthy or mature, although I have known much older people to continue to behave this way all of their adult lives. For the overlapper, the grass is always greener in some way elsewhere and they are simply waiting for a "greener" opportunity to present itself. I would not recommend getting involved with her again, stanchain. The fact that she continues to entangle herself with auto loans she cannot afford (lots of cars can be purchased for half the monthly payment if you can accept something that simply gets you from point A to point B) and gets all financially entangled in each relationship, just doesn't bode well as having any level of maturity. Finances should not be merged in young relationships. I noticed that she asked about your earning power now, and do not see that as being any of her business. She is making sure you can pick up her slack should she leave the boytoy. If you told her you are making much less and having financial difficulties, I don't think she would be continuing contact. You are not permitted to call or text her. That is because she recognizes that contacting you while with another is not right, and boytoy would not approve, thus risking losing his financial involvement before being sure of yours. Her choices are revolving about living a lifestyle she cannot keep up on her own. stanchain, I suggest you go back and read every post and every thread concerning this girl, and allow yourself to remember and feel the pain. It is ultimately your life to live, but be sure you can handle the situation again. Don't forget that Aaron is involved, and we must protect our children from too many "merry-go-rounds." Best wishes, dear, but please tread carefully. I remember your pain all too well.
Gunny376 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 well thats good that u see aaron alot more i know that makes him happy. and the money part is an issue let me explain my bills if i left.... car 661,rent my share would be 475, cable 50, pge 50,#1 loan 173, #2 loan 215,insurance 175,cell ?? i think that it but that is not including gas and food you know how it is....see you make plenty of money to live on your own.. i dont and i do not have my parents to depend on now since everything is going on.i would have to work my ass off like i do now but more just to barely make it...so if happiness matters it does but to certain extents Let me get this straight? Her bills total $1800 a month and she's living with another guy? I understand that yo live on the West Coast. But if I'm reading this right she's on the hook for half of 'toy-boys' rent. And would be until the lease expired, (but only if she signed the lease as a co-signer? To add to this you've got or are going to have another child by another woman? But, you're thinking about taking the X back? First off? You're making short term decisions that have very long term consequences! But, your Hell bound and bent for leather to go back down this merry little path? You need to spell out the conditions for coming back, set some bounderies, define some parameters. She needs to work her way back into the relationship! DDL's is right on with her post! Here locally? I know a guy that's been married to the same woman ~ FOUR TIMES! But here's the thing? In Alabama its against the law to marry the same person more than three times! (Interesting that the State of Alabama sees the need to pass such a law?) The fourth time? They had to drive two and half hours to GA to get married? WTF? I'd think long and hard about this one my friend? You were a pretty bad case seven months ago!
tonyp56 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Here locally? I know a guy that's been married to the same woman ~ FOUR TIMES! But here's the thing? In Alabama its against the law to marry the same person more than three times! (Interesting that the State of Alabama sees the need to pass such a law?) The fourth time? They had to drive two and half hours to GA to get married? WTF? WOW, I was married to my EX once, I couldn't, wouldn't, never will marry her again, even if she got on her knees and begged me. I can't see how anyone would ever marry the same person 4 times, and not figure out why they are having problems.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 My parents married each other twice. I told my dad "Dad, that is like taking spoiled milk out of the fridge and then putting it right back in- going back a couple of months later to see if the milk is still spoiled"
Author stanchain Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 well, well, well... so much to say. so much, well so little time. I just hadnt had a chance to get on here. Did I follow the advice given to me... uh no. I think that you all know me well enough to know that I could not turn down a chance to see what would happen if.... who does? Well so far it has been challenging. There has been good days and bad days of course. A lot of it has to do with the pain that I went through and that I continue to go through from time to time. At first it was drama with boy toy. we actually had to call the cops on this kid. yeah i thought about doing dumb things but at my age it didnt make sense. but sounded like fun. Now as far as me and her go. Hmmm gotta give her some credit no matter what hoop I have put in front of her she has jumped through and continues to jump through. I am sure you all thought I was going to make it easy and just take her back because of all the pining that i did before. but really that is not, and was not something that i was able to do even though it is something that i wanted to do more than you know. so far it has been a couple of months and no we are not in a relationship, but we are working towards it and trying to rebuild what we once had. I know that you all are going to say I am crazy. but slowly but surely the ship sails... I'll be back on here soon to update you and I will be here shortly after to tell you all how she left me for some 50 year old guy this time.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I'll be back on here soon to update you and I will be here shortly after to tell you all how she left me for some 50 year old guy this time. I hate to rain on the parade but she wants you to pay her bills sweetie. Never underestimate what someone like her will do when broke. I predict the 50 year old will be rich, rich, rich. Glad to hear that otherwise you're okay though.
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