SadieFrost25 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I hate to even been posting here and never thought I would be in this situation. I am needing advice and hope someone here can help I have been married for fours years to a great guy. We have a decent marriage but emotional and sexual connections are missing. We have spent countless hours discussing our problems and how things are going to change and things are still the same. We used to have a great sex life and it is now almost non existent. I know that is absolutely no reason to cheat on your spouse but honestly it does make it easier to stray. The thing is, I love him very much and he loves me. Things just are not how I would like them to be. Here is where i know I will be shunned, but I slept with his best friend of 25 years a few nights ago. I know that it was wrong and absolutely the worst thing I could do to my husband. There has always been an attraction between me and said friend. I have ignored it for 6 or so years. Why I acted on it now, is beyond me. The thing is, it was great. He made me feel like my H has not made me feel in over two years. I find myself thinking about it constantly and am so afraid I am going to be a jack a** and do it again. Said friend and I both now how wrong it was. He commented on how he had done so good for so long to stay away from me. How do you totally shut down sexual feelings for someone? I have never been in this situation and dont want to lose my husband and create the biggest mess my life has ever seen. But, these lustful feelings are so strong.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 How do you totally shut down sexual feelings for someone? I have never been in this situation and dont want to lose my husband and create the biggest mess my life has ever seen. But, these lustful feelings are so strong. There are two ways to shut it down: 1) Tell your best friend's wife/girlfriend what has happened. 2) Tell your husband what has happened. If you do either one of those or preferrable both, it's almost guaranteed that these lustful feelings will go away. Regardless, they have the right to know.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Pandora's box has been opened and now the consquences of your choices are there. The problems both you and your husbands bestfriend have to live with for the rest of your lives. This is a complete double betrayal for your husband. Bad enough that you cheated on him, but with his bestfriend?? You have afew choices to make now. Either come clean completely, focus on your marriage and go to counselling, divorce him and see if the bestfriend will divorce his wife so you and the bestfriend can be together forever. Or hide it completely, stay away from the bestfriend, and fix your marriage. I don't advocate the last one though as the truth has it's way of crawling out when you least expect it.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Your topic question is "How do you stop?" but the questions you need to ask yourself is "how do I sleep at night?", "how do I face my husband with all these shame?", etc. If you don't come clean, even years from now, a movie about cheating, a story about best friend, your husband inviting his best friend to some event, etc. will remind you of your betrayal and it might not be something you want to keep inside for years and years to come. Not to mention that your husband has the right and deserves to know. It will be so wrong and immoral of you to play him like a fool who's in the dark about his wife and best friend. Let him know the truth and let him heal and make his decisions if you have any love or respect for him at all.
Author SadieFrost25 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 The friend is not married. He is single. I will NEVER tell my husband. My husband once felt the need to confess his infindelites tn me and I will never force that pain on someone else. We saw a pastor at the time and he said the only reason people confess to infidelty is to clear their own conscience. He says it forces unbelievable pain and hurt on to completely innocent parties. He said first you stop and then you deal with your conscience and work on your marriage. I was looking for advice from someone who has been in a similar situation and how they made the feelings miracously disapper. I dont plan on it happening again and I want to make sure I take the steps to make damn sure of that.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I dont plan on it happening again. Did you plan it to happen the first time, look what happened? Did you use protection? Could he have passed something to you? Will he tell to "clear his conscience"? Will your husband find out based on this vibe you and him are having from now on? People sometimes just expect history to be erased, but it never happens that way. My husband once felt the need to confess his infindelites tn me and I will never force that pain on someone else. Are you saying that he has cheated on you before? Maybe he is more understanding than you think.
Author SadieFrost25 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Did you plan it to happen the first time, look what happened? Did you use protection? Could he have passed something to you? Will he tell to "clear his conscience"? Will your husband find out based on this vibe you and him are having from now on? People sometimes just expect history to be erased, but it never happens that way. Are you saying that he has cheated on you before? Maybe he is more understanding than you think. Yes, he has cheated on me before and we worked through it and moved on. I dont think he would be understanding considering the circumstances and I just cant force that kind of pain and hurt on anyone. No way, no how.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Yes, he has cheated on me before and we worked through it and moved on. I dont think he would be understanding considering the circumstances and I just cant force that kind of pain and hurt on anyone. No way, no how. Did he slept with her once? Did he confessed or did you find out on your own?
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 You owe him the same respect that he gave you by telling you about his cheating. You had a choice to either fix the marriage or to divorce him. Why can't you give him that choice? You hurt him by having sex with his bestfriend. He just isn't aware of it yet. Besides, if he knows you well, I'm sure he will figure out something isn't right. And, if he bf avoids him, or things all of a sudden change, he WILL figure it out.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Either way you two need to get some counselling in and fix your marriage. You're unhappy and I'm sure your husband is too. You both have needs that aren't being met, serious enough that it's led to affairs -For both of you. Do you have children in this mix as well?
Author SadieFrost25 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Did he slept with her once? Did he confessed or did you find out on your own? More than once and I found out by answering the phone and then he fessed up.
Author SadieFrost25 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Either way you two need to get some counselling in and fix your marriage. You're unhappy and I'm sure your husband is too. You both have needs that aren't being met, serious enough that it's led to affairs -For both of you. Do you have children in this mix as well? No children
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 how they made the feelings miracously disapper. I dont plan on it happening again and I want to make sure I take the steps to make damn sure of that. You go NC (no contact) with the bestfriend. Cut him out of your life, your thoughts, everything. Though, due to the fact he is your H's bestfriend, I doubt this is actually possible, UNLESS the bestfriend ends his friendship with your husband. You might want to seek one on one counselling (not with the Church) to help you cope with the guilt and to help get rid of the feelings for the bestfriend.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 More than once and I found out by answering the phone and then he fessed up. So, what if your H finds out on his own, or his bestfriend feels guilty and tells him first. I hope you're prepared to own up to your part in this... I am glad there are no children involved, it would have made this situation much more complicated and painful.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I was looking for advice from someone who has been in a similar situation and how they made the feelings miracously disapper. I dont plan on it happening again and I want to make sure I take the steps to make damn sure of that. Use emotional replacement! Use your anger!
bish Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Here is where i know I will be shunned, but I slept with his best friend of 25 years a few nights ago. I know that it was wrong and absolutely the worst thing I could do to my husband. Its bad enough you cheated on him, but with his best friend? My god! And this friend of his is absolutely no friend at all. The two people he probably trusts the most in the whole wide world just f#cked him over in the worst way possible besides murdering him. How do you totally shut down sexual feelings for someone? I have never been in this situation and dont want to lose my husband and create the biggest mess my life has ever seen. But, these lustful feelings are so strong. Well thing is..if you lust after his friend and he lusts after then you really don't shake those feelings unless one day you wake up and say...I don't want to ride his best friends baloney pony any longer. Problem is, like most of us guys in your husband's situation...we just picked real humdingers to marry. Have you ever thought about divorcing your husband since he deserves better?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Your husband is a real man who manned up and laid out his soul to you after cheating. And he worked hard to redeem himself. That's why you should do the same! Be a real woman and stand up and tell the truth. Right now it's cloudy in your mind, you cant see past the OM's sex. What kind of friend would mess with his people's wife??? What kind of woman are you for letting it happen? The reason your afraid of telling is because of the reprecussions of people knowing. Your hurting him subconsiously even without knowing about it. What happens if him and his best friend get drunk and it comes out because the best friend is guilty. How can you even stand in the same room with the same two men your banging? Isnt that nerve wracking? Are you a sociopath to have no conscious. Your husband may have cheated in the past but he changed. why dont you do the right thing and tell the truth too? What would happen if your husband found out, told everyone and left you? Sometimes it's not the affair that kills the marriage, it's the lies and deception that do. Two wrongs dont make a right. You know that, do the right thing. Either toss the friend and recommit to your man or tell him the truth and divorce him, Your making a mockery of the marriage now. Good luck to you.
LakesideDream Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 There is another dynamic working here. In addition to cuckholding her husband, lying, cheating, destroying his relationship with his best/oldest friend..... SadieFrost has put herself into a position where she will lose the "high ground" in her marriage. Since her husbands infidelity she has been in the "power seat" the marriage. She's won every argument, it's undoubtedly been a case of "her way or the highway". If Hubby finds out about her infidelity the advantage goes away and the playing field becomes level. Sadie knows what the backlash is going to be like. There is no way in heck that she will "come clean" and become an honest person. Sadie is here at LS looking for a "miricle" (also known as a lie or stragity that will work) for keeping her misdeed hidden. It's his best friend already... sooner than later the truth will surface, of that there is no doubt. There is no magic pill that will make it go away.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 There is another dynamic working here. In addition to cuckholding her husband, lying, cheating, destroying his relationship with his best/oldest friend..... I agree. As damaging as it is, a one night fling with a co-worker or stranger has some accidental overtones. Sleeping with your spouse's best friend is a deliberate act of hostility... Mr. Lucky
VIP Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 You said that your husband is a great guy, but emotional and sexual connections are missing. Then what is left? If you don't have emotional or sexual connection, you are together because of convenience. What makes you stay with him in the first place?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 You said that your husband is a great guy, but emotional and sexual connections are missing. Then what is left? If you don't have emotional or sexual connection, you are together because of convenience. What makes you stay with him in the first place? That's BS. VIP the only reason she's saying that is to justify what she's doing with his best friend. All cheaters do. I bet if she honestly wasnt cloudy minded and thought about all her history with her husband I bet it was good. She's trying to replace him in her mind ,that isnt right.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Be prepared for OM to tell your H. After 25 years of being his best friend - he may have screwed up by f*cking his best friend's wife but he may end up going to that "bros before hos" mentality in the aftermath, and spilling a confession.
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