luv2luv Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I would consider myself an intelligent woman but relationships are one thing I just can't figure out! I (27) have been dating a man (28) I absolutely adore and think I just might love. When we first started dating we spend almost every day and night together (we are teachers and were on summer break). After school started again we fell into a routine suggested by him; he stays at my place every Tue. and Thurs. and I stay at his every Wed. and Fri. - other days are either family, friends, or personal time but we still include eachother from time to time. The man who I am smitten with was the one to ask me if we could lable our relationship as exclusive, he told me he was falling in love with me, he told me that he wanted to have children with me (in the future), he intiated introducing me to his friends, he started leaving stuff at my house... Two nights ago after one of my work functions he attended, we went out for a drink and were just talking but things seemed a bit strained. When I asked him about it in a polite and concerned way, he said he wasn't comfortable talking about there so we paid the bill and left. On the way back to his house he told me he is a bit freaked out with being committed?!! I asked him what aspect and his reply was 'fear making a promise he can't keep and in turn hurting me.' I don't know what to make of this? I asked him if this was his way of breaking off our relationship and he said not at all as tear slid down his cheek, he claims to be overwhelmed and confused...is this a cop-out? He said he really like me and spending time with me but he is just confused...Should I be packing up what is left of my heart and stepping back or should I be reaching out to him? I asked him if it meant he didn't think he could be monogamous...he said that wasn't the case at all, he only wants to be with me. What the hell is going on? I left that night, he asked me to let him know when I got home...I did and received a good night wish in return. Last night one of my friends was having a b-day bash and I extended the invite only to hear he 'would love to but already had plans with the guys' and today is football day... What is going on?
JackOfClubs Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I'm no expert but even to a love-challenged person like myself, this seems like you two moved too fast. I don't know how long you two have been together, but if you started seeing each other practically every day in the summer (which I assume is about 3 months) and then started sleeping over each other's places when school started, that is just too much too soon. Don't panic, though! If you two learn to back off a bit, and pace this thing a little better, it still has a chance. You said he was the one who suggested all these things to bring you together, but that doesn't mean he knows what he's doing. None of this is set in stone and there's plenty of room to renegotiate. Don't overwater the plant, you have to feed it a little bit, slowly day by day. You two are relatively young and have no need to rush. I'm sure if you discuss with him a more moderate arrangement where you two see each other less (but not never), he will happily agree. You need to miss each other a bit at the start of a relationship. Since you two work together (or are at least in the exact same field) and are practically living together, there's no breathing room and he feels stifled by the instant commitment.
shadowplay Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I agree with the poster above. Don't give up! It sounds like you guys have somethin special that could grow into something even better. You just need to give him a bit more space. Right now he's probably feeling a bit smothered.
OpenBook Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters. Step back, give him lots of space. I don't know if you've ever heard of the "Rubber-Band Theory" but it's so-o-o-o-o true with men. They come on very strong at first (good sign, BTW!) and then they retreat. If you stand still (i.e., don't call him!!) and don't run after him, the tension increases in the rubber band and he bounces right back. If this is the real thing, he will bounce back into your life and make you feel wonderful again. But the next time around, I'd pace the relationship more slowly. Meaning two things you need to hold back on: (1) Don't see him as often! (maybe once or twice a week) (2) DON'T bring up relationship issues to discuss with him. Make him GUESS what you're thinking about the heavy stuff. Keep everything light. He'll be putty in your hands. Good luck!!
sfsassy Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters. Step back, give him lots of space. I don't know if you've ever heard of the "Rubber-Band Theory" but it's so-o-o-o-o true with men. They come on very strong at first (good sign, BTW!) and then they retreat. If you stand still (i.e., don't call him!!) and don't run after him, the tension increases in the rubber band and he bounces right back. If this is the real thing, he will bounce back into your life and make you feel wonderful again. But the next time around, I'd pace the relationship more slowly. Meaning two things you need to hold back on: (1) Don't see him as often! (maybe once or twice a week) (2) DON'T bring up relationship issues to discuss with him. Make him GUESS what you're thinking about the heavy stuff. Keep everything light. He'll be putty in your hands. Good luck!! I agree with the 1st suggestion, but I really don't think that people should play the guessing game in relationships. I don't think she should be heavy all the time, but if something significant is bothering her, than bringing it up in a caring way is a good thing. My ex tried to guess my feelings and took things I meant one way, in another way. I'm not sure if we had talked more deeply whether it would have made the breakup quicker, or slower, but it would have left both of us with less questions, and a chance to truly evaluate where we stood. Keeping it llight all the time, made things seem like they were ok, when they weren't. I think the op should use this oppotunity to first compliment the guy, and then tone the relationship down a bit. So it could go something like "In the begining, I got so into you that I wanted to be with you all the time, and that was fun. However, if you want to tone it down a bit, that is totally fine with me" I think he really likes her, but isn't ready for that much together time. He probably thinks at the rate they are going, he is going to have to propose by the end of the year or something, and he is not sure yet (as he shouldn't be.)
sfsassy Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Last night one of my friends was having a b-day bash and I extended the invite only to hear he 'would love to but already had plans with the guys' and today is football day... What is going on? I didn't pay attention to this part. It is totally totally critical that you let him have his time with the guys, and not be too bummed or srprised if he wants to spend time with his boys, as opposed to your friends, that he doesn't probably know that well. I come from a big Greek family, and we have loads of gatherings, and it can be a little indimating for the husbands, wives or significant others. Sometimes they just don't come, because it is a bit much. You have to show him you are cool with him doing things that he has probably done for years and years. Both of you having your own interests and friends is critical to your relationship success.
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