An affair of heart or mind? Married co-worker & I'm living with boyfriend

[soda]

Please all, I don't think it's fair to be judged and have it posted. So please do not post nasty comments.Your advice is surely welcomed and appreciated. Everyone makes mistakes and this is the most complicated one ever.

 

Well, your part in betraying the W was hardly "fair" either.

 

However, you want advice. I will not be nasty. You can make things better.

 

Go NC with the MM immediately. He is not available, and he will only give you crumbs. Be fair to the BS. She did not decide this. Despite what MM is telling you, you would probably find out that she is a good person.

 

You need to make a decision on whether you want to work on your relationship with your BF. Right now, it doesn't sound like you want to be with him. Be fair to him. Tell him the truth about your actions and let him decide whether he wants to be with you and continue to work on the relationship.

 

It is that simple. There are no nuisances of facts that make it okay for you to carry on two relationships at the same time.

 

Good luck.

[cherrymoon]

to no avail, i hear you.

cut contact please for your own sake, for your health and mental well being.

When you have been subject to emotional and /or physical abuse your self esteem is so low and battered that you lose the concept of right doing. you will be judge from every person here who has no idea of how you can love someone and not leave them but end up having an affair. It is the want of the relationship you have worked at for such a long time and then be seduced by a man who pretends to be your friend.

You must find your feet, you have lost a baby, a life, a relationship and if anything like me you will have lost the last bit of self respect you had for yourself because you aren't the person to have an affair (I know).

 

The NC road is the only way to go and believe me it is hard but so worth it. This man does not deserve you and your Ex bF needs to get help and support from a qualified professional so they can become the person they are meant to be.

You have to at all costs let this man go and find out how amazing you are.

He is taking what he wants from you because he can.

stay strong and do the right thing

[TwoNoAvail]

Dear Cherrymoon, Your empathy and advice means more to me than you know! It seems many don't understand the emotional strain an abusive relationship can leave you in and how hard it is to get away from.

 

Well, I have made it to RI. Just got here Friday night. It's hard being away from home. I relinquished my phone to my sister for the duration of my trip. And, yes, when I got here I had a hard time giving it up as I had already got a text message from each of the men I'm trying to leave behind. One was. "Why are you doing this to me?" and the other was, "You do whatever it is you need to do. Just know I am always here for you." Now which was from which? First was from ex and the second from MM. Tells you abit about their personalities...

 

Hopefully the next two weeks will give me peace, strength and resolve... wish me luck.

[Rooster_DAR]

NoAvail...

 

I don't think some of these people are intentionally trying to hurt you by saying nasty things to you, it's just there are people here that have been burned by the same engagement you are in so it hits home pretty hard for them.

 

Another thing, people who are caught up in affairs as powerful as yours tend to make their S/O look like a monster, or something a long those lines. Sometimes the person having the affair actually thinks these things because it brings a comfort to them that they can use it as rationalization.

 

I'm not saying that's the case with you, but that's why you got a few nasty notes from people saying "quit making excuses".

 

Good luck with your ordeal,

[fingersniffer]

Dear Noavail.

 

My wife cheated on me, much in the same way as you are/have cheated on your BF. All I know about your story is what you have told here.

 

Heres what I think. You need to sort your self out.

you need to stop playing your game.

you need to be an adult, get up and walk away from one or both of these relationships. That was said to you over a year ago and you are still in pretty much the same situation.

 

Your BF: if he is abusive then you choose to stay or leave. If you think that he does not hurt or will not get hurt by your affair, or that its a decent revenge, or that he deserves it... then you are wrong. Nobody has the right to hurt anyone else - that includes you.

 

for God's sake, sort your self out woman.

[mental_traveller]

Okay. Here it is a year later and it has cycled round again. MM asked me to leave SO. I did. Moved out into my own place with promises that he would make the break with his W. I gave the deadline on New Years. New Years came and went. With problems with his truck (broken down) he could not get out of his home easily. I gave leeway. He spent night after night in snow, under his truck working to get the truck fixed. One night, while spending time together, felt the urge to pick up and leave. Talked to him by phone all the way home and once home, got the call from his W. I never picked it up. She went home early and confronted him. The next day my coworker/MM did not come into work, but I rec'd a txt saying he needed time to sort out his feelings for him and him alone.

2 weeks later, January 18th, he ended our relationship. MM said it was not what he wanted, but what he had to do for him and his little girl. I was desvastated!

10 days later he was an emotional wreck. Said he missed me so much and was feeling he may had made wrong decision, but they had planned a vacation getaway for daughter's birthday. He kissed me the day he left.

 

Two weeks after returning from vacation, he announces to me that they brought home a "souvenir". Killed me! I didn't know what to do. Our friendship and work environment became hostile.

 

After a couple months, I began seeing my ex boyfriend again, but as friends. I needed the company and yet needed my space which he understood.

 

Then, it happened again. The addictive love I had for MM took over. I'm not sure who seduced who, but it happened. We both would say "we need to behave" and would truly try, but end up in each other's arms again. Twice in March and then "ended" it.

 

I started dating supportive ex, but then found out I was pregnant, only then to have a miscarriage. Ugh, my head and heart were a mess.

 

You would think that would have stopped all ties then, but a few times in July and in August. And here it is over a year later! My heart is still attached and apparently his is too since he is emailing me right now!

 

How can I ever break this addiction and cycle??? I feel so weak.

 

So predictable. You need to read all the accounts here of affairs that other people have experienced. What happened with you is exactly how 95% of affairs play out. The married man almost never leaves his wife, but always claims he loves you - it's just "the family" come first blah blah blah. Funnily enough the family is not important enough to stop him wanting to stick his schlong inside you, but when it comes to any actual commitment it becomes a convenient excuse.

 

You need to educated yourself as to the nature of unfaithul married man thinking. Once you understand it, then you'll find it so pathetic that you may well start to view him with contempt and disgust. The other way to stop this messing up your life and turning you into a ho is to quit jobs, move town if necessary, change your phone & email and basically get this guy out of your life - go total no contact and stay that way. Tell his wife everything, tell your co-workers etc. That will kill the affair stone dead. Then find some guy who is into you and NOT married with kids.

 

Alternatively just keep going along with this - eventually it will blow up spectacularly in your face (it almost did when you got pregnant. Don't you even know how to use condoms/contraception, what the hell???), your life will be ruined, and he'll hang you out to dry. That'll kill it too.

 

Your call.