An affair of heart or mind? Married co-worker & I'm living with boyfriend

[TwoNoAvail]

I never thought that I would be the one to have an affair. NEVER

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, living together for 3. By the 4th yr of our relationship, we fought everyday and his drinking had become unbareable. That's when I found that my married coworker (with child) was becoming more than just a friend.

 

First it was just the sharing of musical interest, jokes, and events, than it was compliments which led to flirting. Eventually, he said affair with no strings attached. I denied because even though things between my boyfriend and I were getting pretty bad, I knew that it was wrong. He seemed fine with it, but we continued on with our "normal" routine.

 

My boyfriend started physically abusing me and I found that I was getting closer to my coworker. He asked that I visited him at home while his wife was working. I thought we could just hang out, but I had a feeling something would happen. And it did. The emails he sent started suggesting there was more going on between us than just the one night stand. I asked him if he had feelings for me and he said he didn't know, but that he found himself jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend, thinking about me all the time, and that the potential of falling for me was outstanding. He says things have been chaotic between him and his wife for sometime and the word divorce has become common in their household. He tells me he thinks of me all the time, addicted, and that he never thought he'd have such a great connection with anyone.

 

He's right because I find myself feeling the same exact way. We've been going on for 1 and 1/2 months seeing each other an average of once a week. Meanwhile, my boyfriend decided he was going to get help. He is now 1 month sober and now treating me with all the love and respect I could have hoped for... Yet, I don't know if it's too late!

 

I love my boyfriend. I'm finding that I'm developing feelings for my coworker.

 

Is it possible that I've clung to my coworker as a result of the negativity at home rather than actual emotional connection? Should I end my relationship with my coworker in order to save my relationship with my boyfriend and give him a fair advantage now that he is trying to be the man that he should have been all these years?

[BestAdvisor1]

He asked that I visited him at home while his wife was working. I thought we could just hang out, but I had a feeling something would happen. And it did.

 

You had sex with a married man at his house? Aren't you shameful? Have you met his wife or at least see her room and her pictures all over the walls and yet you did that with her husband in her home?

[TwoNoAvail]

Never met her, never seen her except for a picture at work. And what happened wasn't in their room, but yes in their home and I feel the guilt. I tried to deny anything could happen, but I look at it now and subconciously I knew it could.

[TwoNoAvail]

Please all, I don't think it's fair to be judged and have it posted. So please do not post nasty comments.Your advice is surely welcomed and appreciated. Everyone makes mistakes and this is the most complicated one ever.

[BestAdvisor1]

Please all, I don't think it's fair to be judged and have it posted. So please do not post nasty comments.Your advice is surely welcomed and appreciated. Everyone makes mistakes and this is the most complicated one ever.

 

 

It is not complicated if you put yourself in the shoes of his wife for one minutes. Not one hour, but one minute. And how fair is it to his wife? You slept with a married man and you're telling us that it's not fair for you to be judged, what kind of world are we living in these days?

 

You don't go to a married man's house when his wife is away, especially not when you flirted heavily with him before hand. This seems very calcualted even though I'm sure you prefer the word "mistake." A mistake is when you order Coke, the waiter brings you Pepsi, not when you go to some married man's home and have sex with him in a house where he shares with his wife.

[TwoNoAvail]

Apparently you are a woman who holds a grudge for maybe something you experienced? For that I am sorry. For my faults and infidelity, I am sorry.

 

Anyone else care to take a shot?

[BestAdvisor1]

Apparently you are a woman who holds a grudge for maybe something you experienced? For that I am sorry. For my faults and infidelity, I am sorry.

 

Anyone else care to take a shot?

 

I can tell you that you're wrong about your assumption, truthfully. Read some of my posts, you'll see that I'm not what you assumed me to be. It doens't really take a woman or a wife to know what you did was so wrong. How proud do you think your parents will be if they find out what you did? Is that how they raised you?

 

You can't never make up or completely clean up the mess you made; there is at least one thing you can do, stop all contact with this married man.

[justfine]

It's the same Bull everytime. Cheaters are always trying to justify their actions. My BF is this or that, blah, blah, blah. His wife treats him badly, blah, blah, blah.

 

If your BF is you treating badly, why not just break up with him? Do the right thing for God's sake. Now, you're free to date. Date single people. Don't wreck other people's lives.

 

If you're screwing around with a married person, you're contributing to his adultery. Yes, you cite his troubled marriage as an excuse to justify your actions. No wonder marriage has lost it's meaning in todays society. People have lost their moral compass. Have you considered the possibility that the married man you're fooling around with is just using you for a little sex on the side? Have you thought about how his wife would feel if she knew? Of course not. You're just another selfish person who could care less about the feelings of another human being and how your actions could devastate another person's life, not to mention children, parents, etc.

 

Divorce and adultery affect not only the betrayed spouse, but, children, parents, relatives, and friends too. But still, there are so many cheaters and those who participate in their sinful ways who continue to justify and rationalize their actions.

 

Please take pause, stop thinking about yourself, and consider the feelings of those you will surely hurt with your immoral actions.

 

And like bestadvisor said, if there is nothing wrong with what you're doing, why don't you tell your parents that you're sleeping with a married man, and see how they react.

[norajane]

The rule is: one relationship at a time.

 

Anything else just adds to the problems you have, and guarantees the mess will get bigger and bigger until it explodes in your face and you are left with pretty much nothing.

 

So, to answer your question, yes. Stop the relationship with MM immediately. Then consider what's what with your bf. Since you've already distanced yourself from your bf via this affair you've been carrying on for a year (yes, you carried on an emotional affair with him long before you made it a physical one), I predict that you will leave your bf in the end anyway. But, who knows? Maybe you can repair things with him, if both of you try. You might need to be honest with him, though, about this MM. Relationships with secrets and lies at the core can never really have a strong foundation. You will always know what you did even if he doesn't. That will always sit between you and divide you.

 

Would you leave your bf if you didn't have MM? Or is the thought of being with MM the real reason you are considering leaving your bf?

 

A caveat: MM isn't going to leave his wife anytime soon. He could very well be lying to you about the state of his marriage - most MM do, if you read through both the Infidelity and OW forum, you'll see plenty of evidence for that. Odds are, he's using the 'my marriage is rocky' ploy to get some sex on the side. So, if you're thinking he's going to leave his wife to be with you, forget that idea.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Is it possible that I've clung to my coworker as a result of the negativity at home rather than actual emotional connection?

 

2. Should I end my relationship with my coworker in order to save my relationship with my boyfriend and give him a fair advantage now that he is trying to be the man that he should have been all these years?

 

1. Sure. People who have affairs are looking for something they are missing in what they have at home. Either they are missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection, missing stuff inside themselves that leads them to cheat - whatever the case, its a search. Then... you find someone, and lo and behold - that person is everything you are looking for! Why is that? Because you want so badly to find it, that you map the qualities onto the person even when they don't really have those qualities. They are your fantasy, your dream come true, "love like you have never known" - because that is what you want it to be, and what you need it to be. And you know what? It rarely is what you think it is in reality. You just don't realize it until it is over. Are you soulmates? Star crossed lovers? Nah. Just two lonely people who cheat to find what they are missing, and map each other's needs onto each other out of desperation to find what is missing. What people call 'soulmates' in the context of affairs are created out of need, wishful thinking, false hope, ego, lust, and the shared knowledge that they are adulterers and accept each other even in spite of that.

 

2. Honestly, it probably wouldn't hurt to end both relationships. Both are abusive in various ways, and neither man in your life will even really change to be what you want them to be regardless of what they say, and what temporary behavior changes they do to keep you around.

[LakesideDream]

Please all, I don't think it's fair to be judged and have it posted. So please do not post nasty comments.Your advice is surely welcomed and appreciated. Everyone makes mistakes and this is the most complicated one ever.

 

 

TwoNoAvail, Welcome to LS. Sadly for you lady, you are going to get some "nasty" comments, especially in the Infidelity forum. If you want to be treated more gently you might try the OM/OW forum.

 

Your situation however complicated is one that's been explored here many times. The majority of the readers/posters here have experianced Infidelity up close and personal. Personally, I was gaslighted, cheated on, and lied to for a couple of decades. I never wised up. I was taken by suprise when the truth finally came to light.

 

In your case your SO, however badly he is treating you does not deserve to be used and cheated on. Happily, the two of you are not married, so there is nothing keeping you in the relationship, assuming there are no children involved.

 

More important than the effects of your affair on your BF, is the inevitable effects of the affair on your MM/Affair partners wife and child. It's up to each of us personally to take responsibility for our actions. Your actions have the potential to damage or destroy your partners marriage, and deprive his child of a full time father. Does your affair partners wife and child deserve to be treated like that? At very least does his child deserve whats in store for him/her?

 

Please re-think your actions. You are not married to your SO. You have the freedom to leave, and remove yourself from the abusive situation you say you are in. Failing that, you have the oppertunity and ability to "work on" your existing long term relationship to repair it. Please use these oppertunities in a positive way. Don't hurt and destroy others to bring yourself pleasure.

 

If you and your married man are "soul mates" and meant to be, it can happen after he's divorced and free to make the decision.

[whichwayisup]

Adding another man into your life isn't going to solve any problems, infact it will make it worse - Possibly your boyfriend will physical abuse you more - So think about ending it with your bf SAFELY, and healing before pursuing someone else. Maybe it's best for you to BE by yourself instead of going after a married man. No good can come of it, even if the MM makes you feel good at the moment.

[TwoNoAvail]

norajane, You're right about ending the relationship with the MM. That's what I want. I work side by side every afternoon with him. Chair-to-chair, one computer. Being that close with the kind things he says to me make it difficult. I even through out the "It's making me uncomfortable..." line. How can I stand firm? What should I say in order for him to view it like I do and end it. ...I applied for another job at a different location just so it would be easier to remove myself from the situation. I thank you for your advice.

 

LucreziaBorgia, The comment about how I have forced myself to see him as my soulmate by painting the qualities that aren't really there because that's what I desire... WOW! I think he's doing the same with me...

 

LakesideDream, I am terrified about the effects this will have on everyone. I want to end this. I need to end it! The biggest reasons being his family and my SO. None of them deserve this. I have tried to end this, nicely, recently and he tries to convince me otherwise. Have any ideas of what could change his mind about me? What to say to really make him realize his family is most important?

 

I appreciate all of your advice and opinions. I really do want to end this affair and work on my relationship with my SO... Finding the way to do it without hurting MM is hard. But should I even worry about that? Or should I just have the mind set of ending it at ANY cost because that's what's best for EVERYONE?

[norajane]

I have tried to end this, nicely, recently and he tries to convince me otherwise. Have any ideas of what could change his mind about me? What to say to really make him realize his family is most important?

It's easier than you think. Start talking to him about how he's the love of your life, and how you can't wait for him to tell his wife that he's in love with you so he can get his divorce and marry you as soon as possible. Tell him you're going to tell your bf about the affair, and start telling your family and friends that he's the love of your life and you'll be getting married as soon as he gets his divorce. :love:

 

That will make him run in the opposite direction before you've even got all the words out...

[TwoNoAvail]

Okay. Here it is a year later and it has cycled round again. MM asked me to leave SO. I did. Moved out into my own place with promises that he would make the break with his W. I gave the deadline on New Years. New Years came and went. With problems with his truck (broken down) he could not get out of his home easily. I gave leeway. He spent night after night in snow, under his truck working to get the truck fixed. One night, while spending time together, felt the urge to pick up and leave. Talked to him by phone all the way home and once home, got the call from his W. I never picked it up. She went home early and confronted him. The next day my coworker/MM did not come into work, but I rec'd a txt saying he needed time to sort out his feelings for him and him alone.

2 weeks later, January 18th, he ended our relationship. MM said it was not what he wanted, but what he had to do for him and his little girl. I was desvastated!

10 days later he was an emotional wreck. Said he missed me so much and was feeling he may had made wrong decision, but they had planned a vacation getaway for daughter's birthday. He kissed me the day he left.

 

Two weeks after returning from vacation, he announces to me that they brought home a "souvenir". Killed me! I didn't know what to do. Our friendship and work environment became hostile.

 

After a couple months, I began seeing my ex boyfriend again, but as friends. I needed the company and yet needed my space which he understood.

 

Then, it happened again. The addictive love I had for MM took over. I'm not sure who seduced who, but it happened. We both would say "we need to behave" and would truly try, but end up in each other's arms again. Twice in March and then "ended" it.

 

I started dating supportive ex, but then found out I was pregnant, only then to have a miscarriage. Ugh, my head and heart were a mess.

 

You would think that would have stopped all ties then, but a few times in July and in August. And here it is over a year later! My heart is still attached and apparently his is too since he is emailing me right now!

 

How can I ever break this addiction and cycle??? I feel so weak.

[lkjh]

It really wrong that you just lead your ex on like that. You should really come clean with him and cut the MM out of your life

[Trojan John]

I don't want to come off as sounding harsh, but you essentially took none of the advice offered to you. Still wonder why the first posters responded so negatively? Do yourself and everyone involved a favour and greatly distance yourself from these men. Cut them completely out of your life. Tabula rasa.

[mattym]

Hi OP- my opinion...feel free to ignore...

 

The addiction you feel is there because it's being fed by the fact you are regularly together in the work environment. You or him need to distance yourself at work- preferably in different buildings - NC is the only way for the feelings you have to change towards him

 

I don't want you to think I'm being unkind but the stuff your MM has told you is pretty standard men-lies.

 

You're vulnerable and gullible because you want to believe that he loves you, and he's making use of that. I'm sorry I don't think he does love you.

 

He's using you for sex, that's all. And he'll tell you what you want to hear in order to get it, because in the past it's worked hasn't it?

 

Not trying to upset you, just giving you a cheating MM's perspective

 

If he was unhappy & going to leave his wife he'd have done it by now

 

Sounds as though you don't hold yourself in very high regard, having 2 abusive men around ( albeit abusive in different ways) - you need to work on yourself, JMHO

[TwoNoAvail]

you essentially took none of the advice offered to you.

 

As for not taking the advice, I tried. After leaving SO because of the abuse I first told MM I was going to tell everyone about our relationship (was told this would scare him off), but he was gung-ho about it! I told my family, friends, he told him family, friends and coworkers. The only person he didn't tell was his wife. I met his closest living family; cousins and siblings and he met my parents, siblings, and friends. That's when I believed his "love" was true. Our co-workers, knowing both situations (even seeing the first hand) condonedthe behavior because in their words we were "meant for each other."

 

It became so complicated.

 

 

 

It really wrong that you just lead your ex on like that. You should really come clean with him and cut the MM out of your life.

 

I want you to know that I have, for the most part, been honest with the ex. Even though our "friendship" sometimes is in gray areas, we are still not exclusive because of the abuse that still arises. He is aware I am unsure about my feelings for him and still have feelings for MM. In order to try to break ties I have looked for another job. Actually waiting to hear back on one now. And also began night employment to assure that I have less time to find myself occupied by MM; whether in thought or presence.

 

 

Mattym, your post has been the most helpful. You are right about MM not loving me. In the last 7 months those words have stopped and replaced themselves with, "You will always have your place and it will never go away."

 

Sounds as though you don't hold yourself in very high regard, having 2 abusive men around ( albeit abusive in different ways) - you need to work on yourself, JMHO

 

I don't know what it is. Maybe because I dated ex right out of high school and had him in my life ever since? With him, it's almost the thought that I can "save" him. He's in and out of rehab for alcohol and drug abuse as well as in and out of psychiatric hospitals. This, is why I am still friendly. I wouldn't know what to do if someday he took his life intentionally or accidentally and I wasn't there to stop him. I put him first, not myself.

 

With MM, I guess I feel that I mean something even if it's for the short time I'm with him.

 

Both are detrimental to my health and with that said, I guess I really don't hold myself in high regard. My own wellbeing seems to be where I need to start.

 

 

I thank everyone for their open, honest opinions. I am honestly trying to make the break, but breaking my habit of emotional dependency will take time. If you wish, prayers will be helpful to my cause. I hope someday God will forgive my transgressions. I hope I can forgive them...

[carhill]

Have you ever considered counseling?

[LucreziaBorgia]

How can I ever break this addiction and cycle??? I feel so weak.

 

First and foremost, you have to want to. When you get to that point, there is only one way: no contact. None, nada, zip, zilch. No emails, no calls, no texts, no snail mail. You have to be firm - tell him that you have to end this for your own good, and then insist that he not contact you. Let him know that every contact he makes after this will be documented and forwarded to his wife. Then, you have to go cold turkey. It will hurt, but when you come out the other side the pain will be a memory and you will be able to get your emotional life back on track.

[Owl]

There is one way to break an addiction of this magnitude.

 

Cold turkey.

 

The only way you're going to get out of this situation is to end contact with him...COMPLETELY...FOREVER.

 

If that means getting a new job, that's what it means. If it means changing email/phone/IM accounts so that he can no longer contact you, that's what it means.

 

If it means telling his wife the truth so that she puts pressure on him to end the affair...that's what it means.

 

This isn't complicated. Its SIMPLE. Its not EASY, but it IS simple.

 

Anything less than full blown NO CONTACT with him is just setting the stage for this to continue. As you've found out for the last year.

 

Time to make a DRASTIC change to break this cycle.

[LakesideDream]

Ah... the wages of sin. (no I'm not religious).

 

It's not often that we here at LS get the "on year" update when there is the predicted disaster unfolding.

 

Re-read the thread. "I, and They" told you so, should jump right out at you. The MM isn't leaving his marriage. I assume that the gift your MM brought back from vacation was another pregnancy with his wife. Isn't that proof enough he's staying where he is?

 

Then... there's the little tidbit that he knocked you up as well. Safe sex anyone? Or at least... reproductive responsibility? Presumably you are a grown woman, why wern't you protecting yourself from pregnancy?

 

Obviously you are young (you still haven't confirmed that). Just as obviously you are not mature enough to be in a serious, sexual, and emotional relationship. Take a break. Move far away. Stop seeing the MM, and your "abusive boyfriend" for a year or so. See how you feel about both of them after a year of seperation.

 

Simply careening through lives like a demonic pin ball isn't a productive behavior.

[TwoNoAvail]

Told MM to stay out of my way, leave me alone. He wasn't happy, but too bad. Told SO that I need time away. He wasn't too happy, but too bad.

 

Called some family up in RI today. They are going to let me vacation with them for 2 weeks (all my work vacation). While I'm out there I'll be looking for a new job. Maybe FAR away is right where I need to be. Don't have family here in VA so maybe FAMILY is all I need. Maybe what I was looking for all along.

 

Thank you all.

[mattym]

Told MM to stay out of my way, leave me alone. He wasn't happy, but too bad. Told SO that I need time away. He wasn't too happy, but too bad.

 

Called some family up in RI today. They are going to let me vacation with them for 2 weeks (all my work vacation). While I'm out there I'll be looking for a new job. Maybe FAR away is right where I need to be. Don't have family here in VA so maybe FAMILY is all I need. Maybe what I was looking for all along.

 

Thank you all.

 

You are getting some great advice on here. If you do nothing else, you need to go NC with this man. Anything other than that will cloud your judgement. It's only when you distance yourself that the fog in your head will clear & you may see things as they really are

 

You owe it to yourself to be more than someone's sex-piece, which is how you're being treated. He's telling you you're special so he doesn't feel guilty because I can almost guarantee it, he & his wife are not the enemies he has portrayed. Infact if this all blew up, he'd likely blame it all on you...just stuff for you to think about which may strengthen your resolve

 

Good idea about getting some time away - just make sure you leave your phone at home, don't check any emails from him. He's had his fun, and now you need to focus on yourself

 

I wish you well